Secret Son!!!!

**Ccxx** · 20-09-11, 08:00 AM

Ok just found out that my husband of 16 yrs has a secret son who is 8 as a result of a one nite stand with a old work collegue!!!! Shocked isn't quite the word I would use to describe how I feel... So I need advice on weather to forgive and move on or start my life over again??? We are both very close, and in a passionate marriage, both the love side and the argument side, we have two kids together who r 16 & 11 and he has a 22 yr. We r both a couple of yrs under 40 (well I'm 36 lol). He sees the boy every other month or so for a few hrs and the boy calls him by his name but knows he us his Dad and thinks he works away! Sooo don't know what to do.... My husband says he will do anything to keep me!!! Please help?????

**vashti** · 20-09-11, 08:02 AM

Do your children know about what their dad has been up to? How is he as a parent to them? (It sounds like he hasn't done much for the 22 year old.)

If he's really good with your kids, I may be inclined to keep him until they are grown, and then give him the boot.

**Ccxx** · 20-09-11, 08:08 AM

The 22 yrs lived with us till recently and he is quite a good dad, and no our kids have no clue wot their dad has done, I don't want them to know as they r really quite loyal to me and I think they would turn against him tbh. I am along the same lines of thinking as u I think, my husband now wants me to set the rules for him seeing his 8 yr old, something that I can live with and be happy with. I can't say he can't see him
as it's not the 8yr old fault at the end if the day, can I??

**ShannonMI** · 20-09-11, 08:10 AM

Originally Posted by Ccxx

Ok just found out that my husband of 16 yrs has a secret son who is 8 as a result of a one nite stand with a old work collegue!!!! Shocked isn't quite the word I would use to describe how I feel... So I need advice on weather to forgive and move on or start my life over again??? We are both very close, and in a passionate marriage, both the love side and the argument side, we have two kids together who r 16 & 11 and he has a 22 yr. We r both a couple of yrs under 40 (well I'm 36 lol). He sees the boy every other month or so for a few hrs and the boy calls him by his name but knows he us his Dad and thinks he works away! Sooo don't know what to do.... My husband says he will do anything to keep me!!! Please help?????

I wouldn't stay with him, but that's me. First of all he cheated on you. Second he kept a HUGE, I mean HUGE secret from you. How long has he know about this boy? The 8 years he's been alive or just recently? Either way it's a big betrayal of trust.

**Ccxx** · 20-09-11, 08:17 AM

He's known since just before he was born, which is just over 8 yrs, I found out by accident as my husband told no-one except his sister and his Dad. (his sister's husband found out and told his best friend who now all hate each other and she messaged me in anger) He said he couldn't tell me as he couldn't lose me as he thought I would leave him straight away!! I have known for 3 wks now!!

**ShannonMI** · 20-09-11, 08:20 AM

Originally Posted by Ccxx

He's known since just before he was born, which is just over 8 yrs, I found out by accident as my husband told no-one except his sister and his Dad. (his sister's husband found out and told his best friend who now all hate each other and she messaged me in anger) He said he couldn't tell me as he couldn't lose me as he thought I would leave him straight away!! I have known for 3 wks now!!

Ugh how horrible. So he knew all these years and didn't tell you. I'd send him packing. If you are willing to work it out "for the kids" then I would suggest marriage counseling for sure

**Ccxx** · 20-09-11, 08:23 AM

Yeah not the best message I have ever had, I just can't work out in my head wot to do, I have thought of nothing else for the past wks!! My pride is a big issue I need to deal with too I think, being shit on like this is a hugeeee thing to get over!!!

**Wakeup** · 20-09-11, 08:24 AM

I for the life of me cannot understand how you would want to stay with this man in a farce of a marriage just until your children are of legal age. Do you think breaking up with him when they're older will be any easier on them? Well, newsflash it won't be so why waste all your good dating years to stay in a stagnated and dsyfunctional union Do you honestly think you can fake a reciprocal loving union with this man for years to come because if you can't then IMO you're not doing your children any favors by keeping it together for them. I say leave or stay and get couples counceling so that you stay while you actually forgive and trust and are in love or leave if you can't do that.

**Wakeup** · 20-09-11, 08:28 AM

Originally Posted by Wakeup

I for the life of me cannot understand how you would want to stay with this man in a farce of a marriage just until your children are of legal age. Do you think breaking up with him when they're older will be any easier on them? Well, newsflash it won't be so why waste all your good dating years to stay in a stagnated and dsyfunctional union Do you honestly think you can fake a reciprocal loving union with this man for years to come because if you can't then IMO you're not doing your children any favors by keeping it together for them. I say leave or stay and get couples counceling so that you stay while you actually forgive and trust and are in love or leave if you can't do that.

P.S. "A drunken one night stand with a co-worker?" Has he ever requested a paternity test? If he hasn't, I'd want to know why he'd just assume that he was the father. Perhaps it wasn't just a one night stand.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

**ShannonMI** · 20-09-11, 08:33 AM

Originally Posted by Wakeup

P.S. "A drunken one night stand with a co-worker?" Has he ever requested a paternity test? If he hasn't, I'd want to know why he'd just assume that he was the father. Perhaps it wasn't just a one night stand.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

So true. How does he know for sure the kid is his? Was it more then one night? I'm so sorry you have to deal with this bullsh*t.

**Ccxx** · 20-09-11, 08:34 AM

Lol thank you, and yes I have said he needs to get a DNA test, the woman in question had a thing for my husband for ages, and he knocked her back for ages, I saw all that and even asked him when I knew she was pregnant if he was the father as a bloody joke!!! Not laughing so much now thou lol. He did drugs and ended up in a fight on the nite and was so wasted that it happened. I think I believe him it was a one nite stand plus the fact she is not the most attractive in the world or slim and that is being nice (she is huge and really not pretty)

**rafterman** · 20-09-11, 09:27 AM

Originally Posted by Ccxx

(she is huge and really not pretty)

Ah the dangers of "beer goggles"

**Wakeup** · 20-09-11, 09:28 AM

ah and the dangers of Rose Coloured Glasses as well.

**MaidenMinx** · 20-09-11, 10:25 AM

The question is can you forgive him? Not should you but can you. If you can forgive him then some serious counselling will be in order.

This is not a question anyone else can answer. Some couples recover quite well from infidelity and lies, others never do. It sounds like the cheating was quite out of character and the lying would have been just as much not wanting to hurt you as not wanting to own up to what he did. If she hadn't fallen pregnant, it is very likely you would have never found out that he cheated.

**bulrush** · 20-09-11, 09:33 PM

^ I agree. Can you forgive him? Do you want the marriage to continue? He made a big mistake, but is he still prone to mistakes like this?

And why would he go looking for sex 8/9 years ago? What was going on in your marriage at the time?

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