Whats best for me?

[jonluvsya]

Hi guys,

I'm new to this but felt it was a good place to get some advice. I'm 34 & i've been with my partner 10 years, recently got married & have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. 2 months ago, completley by chance i met a younger girl, nothing had or has happened physically but i felt myself starting to gain feelings for her. I put it down to being a silly older man but the feeling grew & i realised i was in love with this girl, life happened i suppose. It got to the stage i left my wife, had a mental meltdown & realised i couldn't be away from my family, the break lasted 24 hours.

I broke contact with this girl & about 3 weeks ago she got back in touch. Although i'm clear in my head i love my wife, i'm completly, head over heels in love with this girl, i have feelings i didn't think were possible which speaks volumes for my marraige.

I'm clear as day that i want to be with this girl but i don't want to put my wife & child through more emotional turmoil. Do i be true to myself & be with someone i love dearly or do i give my marriage a chance for the sake of my daughter?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[katebosanquet]

It shouldn't happen but if this it means you are lacking interest towards your family and you can't do this. Love is that feeling if you will be closed to any one it will occur with any one so be careful. Don't be close to everyone have some space. Just enjoy the life dear you have your family else what you want? Its just happiness. And for this matter just leave it you can't do this dear with your family. Just enjoy life and forget that girl because due that may be with you, your child and your wife will get their life spoil. Think about that child what she will said to your innocent child. In this what they did wrong? So feel free.. Its your life but don't spoil others. Love happens all the in life but you have to alert but you can't get family like this again. Have a good life

[jonluvsya]

Thanks for your reply Kate but my worry is, although my family have done nothing wrong, is it right for me to hang about when my heart is elsewhere although my head is at home?

[bulrush]

is it right for me to hang about when my heart is elsewhere although my head is at home?

No, you made a committment to your wife. You need to try to rekindle that "love" with your wife. So I ask, what happened in the relationship with your wife? Did the sex stop? Did your wife get b*tchy? If so, why?

Find the problem, then solve it. Talk to your wife. Stop having feelings for this other woman. You are a married man and made a vow in front of many friends and relatives. Don't mess this up.

You'll need to give us more details about the relationship with your wife.

[jonluvsya]

The sex life died years ago & i've tried to make things work since then but in all honestly i've lost the desire to fight which speaks volumes i guess. I just want everyone to be happy & the longer i continue to lie about my feelings the worse could get.

May i stress also there has been no physical relationship with this other girl but the feelings i have for her at times feel stronger than i've ever felt,

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Have you talked to your wife about why your sex life died? If she's really that unwilling, then I would say go with the new girl. Separate from your wife, get shared custody of your daughter, and start moving on.

[devonbrown]

Here is what you do - cut contact with this other girl. Completely. Because a decision on your marriage should be based only on you and your wife. There should be no external factor (person) involved. When you eliminate this other girl from your life, then take the time to think about your marriage, talk to your wife, possibly seek marriage counseling, etc. Do your complete due diligence on your marriage without anything else impeding it. Then make a decision of whether you want to stay or not.

If you don't do that, I think one of two things will happen:
1) You will leave your wife and get with this girl. And then when you hit a lull in the relationship with the girl, you will think you made a mistake and be miserable and think you should try to go back to your wife. And that just will cause pain for everyone involved.
2) You will stay with your wife and wind up resenting her and possibly your child because you didn't get to be with the girl. That will cause pain for everyone involved.

[jonluvsya]

Have you talked to your wife about why your sex life died? If she's really that unwilling, then I would say go with the new girl. Separate from your wife, get shared custody of your daughter, and start moving on.

That in my mind is the ideal senario, i wish it was that easy to put into practice with minimal hurt being involved.

I hate being in this position & feeling like this but i guess this is just life, i have to deal withg it as best i can & at the same time grow some balls & do what needs to be done.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It's a bad situation. Someone is going to get hurt, and more than likely, everyone is going to get hurt whether you stay or go, so you may as well do what makes you happy. It seems like your situation with your wife has already jaded you, and you seem to have just accepted your unhappiness. I think you'll be a better father if you're happy, and I think you should leave this marriage whether there's a new girl or not.

[James Banes]

Your feelings for other women will not die as long as your wife keeps rejecting sex. In fact, the rejection from your wife only increases your desire for other women. You're an old man but deep down you still feel you have enough vigor for the ladies. Each time you let a potential lover go by you kick yourself inside. You want everyone to be happy but obviously you're not happy.

I'm going to do the politically incorrect thing and tell you to pursue your relationship with this girl. Your desire for other women will not go away. That's a fact. Can you imagine going years feeling this way? Can you imagine being 35 and still feeling this way? Or 36? Or 37, 38, 39, 40?

I speak from a similar experience. Your feelings for other women won't subside and your wife's rejection only increases it. Pursue your relationship with this other girl.

[bulrush]

OP, you have not answered our questions. What is going on with your wife? What would she say about your relationship? Why no more sex?

Sex is really important in a relationship. Is it important to you? If your wife is unwilling to work with you, you will never be happy with her. So, no sex = no relationship. Time for a divorce.

Pursue your relationship with this other girl.

I don't support cheating or secret affairs. Either tell your wife that you will be seeing other women (she won't sleep with you anyway, so disease is a non-issue here), or get a divorce. Time to man up and decide.

[jonluvsya]

This isn't a secret affair, yes I've fallen for another woman but I have kept things as much at arms length as I can. We have talked extensively about the sex life but even when it does happen its non existant.

I know deep down I would love to be with this girl but my head is firmly at home as it would be. If I go I'm giving myself a shot at being overly happy. If I stay things may get better in the short term but over time I know that cracks will start to appear again.

[bulrush]

Once again you fail to write about your wife's perspective in detail, which just makes me suspicious about your motivation. Is your wife able to deal with you having an affair? She may not be ok with it, but maybe she can deal with it. If so, that may be the way to go, at least try to keep the marriage going for the sake of the kids.