Attracted to a shy guy - not sure if he just wants friendship or is being polite?

[GirlOne]

I need advice: I want to date a shy guy friend (I'll call him ShyGuy) and we're both single in our late 20's. I'm not sure what to do: Here's the background:

We both worked together a few months ago on a temporary project in a different company, the project ended and he's unemployed and I'm working elsewhere now. He's shy, he doesn't talk much. I'm the opposite - I'm extrovert, very friendly and talk a lot. We went out for beers after work in our work group a few times on the project (always with other people). In the group conversations he says he wants a girlfriend and talks about marrying in the foreseeable future. He's not a player. He was mildly flirting with me and some other single girls, which is fine because he's single and looking for a girlfriend. One night some months ago we went out and we were talking about our types and I said pretty much he was my type and another guy friend who was with us, who is a good friend of Shyguy, dropped hints that ShyGuy wanted to sleep with me in front of Shyguy which I didn't pick up on. Another time ShyGuy was trying to impress me. We went out on several more occasions in a group.

I was under the impression he was attracted to me but was shy, but maybe he just likes me as a friend only? He's not chasing me now.

My feelings grew for him over the 2 months and when the project was coming to an end I knew I really liked him, so I sent him an email suggesting we get it together after the project ended. I was nervous about this because despite the fact that I have an extrovert personality, I'm shy around guys I like. Anyway, he was a bit shocked I think and I was embarrassed. The email was very basic ie the project is coming to an end - do you want to get it together after it finishes? something like that. I ignored him out of total embarrassment and regretted sending the email, but felt I had to know one way or the other, but he made an extra effort to talk to me. We both pretended as if I never sent the email. When the project ended he said he definitely wanted to stay in touch (he said that without any prompting from me). This was 6 weeks ago. Since the project ended I have sent group emails to our work group suggesting meeting up and he's turned up to one event - we both act as just friends. I have sent him about 4 emails/texts spread over a month as one time he was ill, another time I gave him advice about job-hunting etc. He never replied to the emails/texts.

We were due to meet up a few days ago as part of a group and he gave his apologies the day before we were due to meet up, ie cancelling for a better option in a group email. I then emailed him individually suggesting we could meet up in the next few weeks. So far no reply.

Do I assume he just wants to be friends only and is happy to meet up once a month only in a group setting? I want to date this guy. He knows I'm attracted to him. I can't read the signals. Please advise me honestly. Usually when guys like me, they are calling me and suggesting meeting up. He's not doing that. It might be because he's shy or he's now unemployed and has no money. He's a nice kind caring person who happens to be a single guy. Guys - tell me what you really think and what should I do. I think he likes my personality, I'm just not sure whether it's just as a friend or whether he expects me to chase him or get the hint he doesn't like me that way. He knows I'm a kind person.

It's only been about 3 months since I've known him, do you think I have to know him more as a friend before he makes a move? Should I give up on him? How do I make him like me? Do I try and ask him about the email I sent him? Would that be embarrassing? Incidentally, that would make me look an idiot as I'm guessing he would come out with some lines like he just wants to be friends, hope that's okay, which would be awkward for me making me look like some lovestruck idiot, whereas a few months ago he was flirting with me and I was ignoring him, which he knows.

Thanks.

[smackie9]

I didn't even need to read you post to give you this advice. Shy guys desire an aggressive girl period. If you want a man to lead you by the hand and make all the decisions on what you are going to do or where you are going, you are wasting your time with this guy. Do not expect him to chase you, or make effort to impress you. He suffers from social anxiety or low self esteem. He has no self confidence. If you like him and willing to accept these traits that I have mentioned you have to be aggressive and lead him by the hand through your whole relationship. There is no way of changing him or molding him into a knight in shining armor....he is a quiet meek mouse that will love you unconditionally.

[GirlOne]

Thanks for your advice. But I've made it SO obvious I like him and this was about a month and a half ago. He knows for sure I'm attracted to him. He's quiet and he admits himself he's lazy. He's shy, but he's not super shy. He's socialising with other people. Why isn't he replying to my emails? I don't want to stalk him. In my past experience, when a guy likes you, he's texting/emailing/calling me, suggesting meeting up. I figure he's not doing this because he wants to drop the hint that he likes me just as a friend and I should find someone else. How easy would it be for him to reply to my emails or say how about we meet up sometime?

Oh and I like guys you've mentioned. I have enough personality for 2 people so I'm naturally attracted to shy quiet guys. Shy guys are super cute to me.

I don't mind chasing guys I like. I just want to make sure they like me before I make an idiot of myself.

[IndiReloaded]

Guys who like girls will make an effort to communicate. You've made it dead easy for him to do so. So the fact he hasn't means he's either not interested, extremely shy or taken.

If you are really into him, you could make one last try with something like:

Hi ___, I've been trying to contact you for a while w/no reply. I just wanted to let you know I would really enjoy meeting you for coffee/lunch/etc. sometime. Here is my number: xxx...

Best,
_______

If you still get no answer then forget it.

[GirlOne]

Thanks. Yeh, my senses tell me that a man who doesn't contact, is a man who isn't interested. However, there are a couple of things: firstly, in our work group he doesn't seem to contact anyone (the guys or girls) and the only one he does meet up with (this other guy) the other guy has contacted Shyguy first. So I already know Shyguy is lazy (I don't mind that) and that everyone else whether male or female in our group has to make the effort first.

Also, he doesn't have a job or money at the moment, so I don't expect him to meet up until he's back in work which will be soon I imagine.

The more I think about it, the more I think he won't meet up alone. However, because our work group is close I know he'll meet up in a work group, so I will definitely see him again, but just within the context of a work group.

Curious: Okay, assume he just sees me as a friend. We've known each other 3 months so far, he knows my personality, I know his, but there is a lot more to learn about our personalities. Question: can a guy grow to be attracted to someone? When would that happen? Does it happen?

[mwahahaha]

You answered you own question. The only person he meets is another guy. Hes obviously a bit gay, and you dont want to accept it. Dont waste your time anymore with this turd burgler, go out and find a real man. Not one that prefers going to theatre or dance instead of getting in about a bird whos obviously gagging for it. Hes not shy, he just prefers men.

[GirlOne]

lol. I love your post, it really made me laugh 'turd burgler' lol . He's totally straight. In fact I think the reason he didn't turn up was he got a better offer from other girl(s). The guy he meets up with is a mutual friend who's straight with a nice girlfriend.

But Shyguy he likes to have just a few close friends, whereas I have a load of friends.

lol ... you've totally got me though lol: gagging for it (from him). Strangely enough though, I'm getting offers from other guys which I'm turning down at the moment. Maybe I like guys who play hard to get. So annoying. At some point I will just give up on him as just too much like hard work.

This is so annoying - I think I just made myself too available - however I was thinking at the time during the end of the project that I need to make my intentions clear with no game-playing. Clearly my timing was off ...

I suppose I'm curious though, whether anything is salvagable. I mean, I make a really good friend. I remember one time in the past with one of my guy friends, there was this girl who really fancied one of my guy friends and all of us in our little circle of friends asked him about this girl and my guy friend kept saying "No, I definitely don't fancy her" but this girl was so persistent, being nice to him, excessively complimenting him, agreeing with everything he said all the time, our group was joking about this girl because she refused to take no for an answer and the guy friend went through various other girlfriends and stages of being single etc with this girl who fancied him in the background. Then one night after about 2 years of knowing him suddenly they got it on and they dated for about a year after that. The lesson I learned was that even though this guy really didn't fancy her looks or her personality at all in the beginning, this girl was on some kind of mission to nail this guy, which she did.

I'm not saying I would be like that, because I think I would get bored and move on and I've got dignity and I'm getting other offers from guys, but somewhere it erks my ego to know he's turned me down and I have to prove him wrong ... is that okay to say that? Do others feel like that? Incidentally I wouldn't turn up at the next group meeting with some gorgeous guy, as that just looks so damn desperate as if to prove a point. Even though one of the other guys who's been chasing me is in fact totally gorgeous! lol ...

I wonder, it's early days ...

[Superfantastich]

no matter how lazy I was if a guy I was interested in liked me I would reciprocate

[GirlOne]

Hmmmm, too bad I can't take my own advice: A female friend asked me about advice not so long ago about a shy guy she met at a summer event. Extrovert me told her this as I paused for reflection and remembered this ultra-shy guy I knew years ago. Basically ultra-shy boy from way-back when I didn't even know existed. We were all in a big group of friends, I spoke to him a few times. Anyway, this ultra-shy guy basically had no friends, never spoke, hid at the back of class. Anyway, because we had a load of mutual friends, my mutual friends told me ultra-shy guy likes you, give him a chance etc etc which I thought was a bit of a joke, but it was for real, he liked me (I never knew he existed) but he was persistent and made a big effort and would do anything I said, which I thought was amusing and sweet. After a while he grew on me and we went out for a while. The morale of the story is that I remember thinking and telling my friend: however shy a guy is, and ultra-shy guy was so shy he was practically mute, they make an effort, somehow they make an effort whatever the obstacle. I remember that ultra shy-guy one time drove halfway across the country just on the offchance I said to a mutual friend I was going to this social event. So, I should take on my advice.

My only thing I guess with the current guy is that if I'm just a friend, if things can grow from here or do I just accept it's friends only until I get over him and like someone else?