Arguments/upsets - How often is too often, how to make up, general advice?

[Achilles]

I though this thread could be used as a aid for any couple that have arguments, and how best to deal with them and resolve them?

So it's healthy for couples to have disagreements from time to time, but how often is it before they become too often? Also, what are ways with dealing with the argument while it is going on? And how can we best make up afterwards and heal any wounds?


With my own experience, I find my GF often goes quiet and doesn't talk (even though I'm the one upset/offended with most of our arguments, lol), so I try to slow things down and talk things out. I find slowing things down helps to avoid any hurtful words said in anger. And to get my GF talking again I often ask what part of our relationship did she feel most close to me/loved/funniest/enjoyed/favourite place, etc.

[girl68]

Often times one or both of us need time. I'm usually super pissed off and girl68 pissed off mean yelling and swearing... so I need to take a timeout and chill by myself before I say something nasty. So if he would ask me "what's 1 thing you love..." I'd say EFF off, jackass. (for example). We both know that we need some time. How much time? Depends sometimes days, sometimes 20 minutes. But 1 of us will come to the other, sit down and make it clear we're ready to talk...

Once we talk we present how we felt, not what you thought was done wrong; rather how his or her actions impacted you. Whoever is responsible for apologizing does... and the apology is followed by a promise to try to not re-offend as well as future behavioral changes. We'll hug, kiss and then continue 'forget about it' and move on with our night.

[Confused__guy]

It is too often when going out together, being alone and spending sometime just the two becomes uncomfortable and leads to petty fights. It is time to break up when someone is emptied out (as I am now, btw).

[bulrush]

How many fights are too many? I don't know. Depends how "strong" the fights were, and how they were resolved, and if the underlying issue was resolved. If you would come to a compromise and solve the root issue, you wouldn't have those fights. But sometimes people get stressed and you fight about something tiny and insignificant. That's what I call a "stress fight". It happens because someone is stressed out.

So, I try to wait a few hours, or even the next day, before I talk about it. If I was really wrong, I apologize and say how I'm going to fix the issue.

If someone has a specific way of cleaning the house, Dr. Laura says THEY should clean the house themselves, then they have no reason to complain if it's not done right. The other side of the coin is, never complain when your bf/gf does something for you. If they help you clean your house, you have no right to complain about it. Or maybe you're just petty and they should dump your ass. I think this is a great compromise. If you don't like how your SO does it, do it yourself. But don't complain about it.

[salzalove]

I fight all the time with my boyfriend of 2 years. He says stupid things like "get to the point" and "I don't want to hear about it." I try to talk about it in a calm manner but it seems everything I say sets him off. What the fu$%?