I get anxious/worried about my relationship for no reason...Is that normal?

[Achilles]

From time to time I seem to get anxious or worried about my relationship and I wondered if that was normal. It seems to happen roughly around once maybe twice a month and lasts for a couple of days and I can't particularly find a cause for it.

When I first met my girlfriend she was a very different person to who she is now (she has depression, and her friends encouraged her to go out drinking and getting totally wrecked every weekend). She also told me a lot of things about her previous relationships because she says things without thinking (just stupidity on her part, lol. Her breakups didn't go well).

So some times I just get worried about our relationship. I think a lot of her friends are a bad influence (they drink ALL the time, sleep around, etc), and she doesn't do the things she used to enjoy doing when we firt met, like going to see bands or going to the pub. Since we have been together she has been so sweet and caring and assures me that this is how she really is and when I first met her she was stuck in a rut and couldn't get out.

But my worry is I might have changed her or that I'm being controlling somehow. Today, for example, I'm really worried about our relationship and I don't even know why. I know she's had contact with one of her old friends that drink and sleep around, but I really do feel very uneasy and I'm sure this can't be the only reason.

Is it normal to get worried about a relationship like from time to time, for very little reason? Is there soemthing wrong with me?

[devonbrown]

It is normal to worry a little (that sounds like a little bit of insecurity), but to let it get in the way of your relationship is not good.

If you are worried you are keeping her from going to shows, etc. that she likes, why don't you offer to go with her? It doesn't have to be a choice between going out all the time and getting drunk and sleeping around or sitting at home knitting. Why don't you two go out and do more things together that you think she will enjoy.

Basically though, if you tell her you are worried you are keeping her from doing things she wants and she tells you not to worry about it, then don't worry about it. You have to go by her word.

Good luck.

[bulrush]

It's normal to worry from time to time. But insecure people worry more. If you start making decisions based on this worrying (an emotion) things can go badly very fast. Example: if you start following her around, checking her text msgs or voicemail behind her back.

The other thing I would consider is, maybe it's your subconscious telling you she is not quite right for you.

[wdfadude]

I have the same worries and anxiousness. I had always been secure, confident, very mellow and easy-going. But my past has kind of messed me up.

I had a 12-year marriage that really effected me, in mostly negative ways. My ex-wife was a bi-polar depressed individual who attempted to commit suicide several times before, during, and after our marriage. She also cheated on me several times, and many of the occurrences I didn't find out about until after the divorce. To say that this marriage was rocky, and to say that it tested the limits of my love and forgiveness, would be the understatement of the year. We had come close to divorce several times but I finally ended things and got divorced last November.

I then quickly began a relationship with a previously-platonic female friend. It was an absolute whirlwind romance! Things were said by both of us (and fault me for half of that) about us spending our lives together and growing old with each other. Yes, in hindsight it was completely stupid for me to rush into a heavy relationship that quickly right after the divorce, but I thought that she and I "clicked" and the prospect of getting out of a bad relationship (AKA the horrible marriage) and into a good relationship was very attractive.

But one day she literally ended things between us just like "that", so abruptly with little explanation. I was crushed and devastated, and I had realized I had fallen for her big time. She and I got back together a month later and tried to make it work for a few months. It was a ridiculous roller-coaster and yo-yo game she put me on; hot for me one day and then cold for the next six. The Katy Perry song "Hot N Cold" was exactly how she behaved. I literally didn't know one day to the next the status of our relationship. Talk about anxiety! I was blinded by love, so I stupidly gave her chance after chance, opportunity after opportunity, thinking she might eventually come around and fall for me. After she did some blatant lying, made hypocritical posts on Facebook and outright flirting with other guys, I knew that things had to end.

I then decided to step back and take things easy. I met my current girlfriend Tonya and decided to take things ssslllloooooooooow... We became good friends, have had good, open communication and appreciate and respect each other. We started dating and within two months were exclusive. I've very happy and proud with the way she and I have handled things. And in doing so, we have had a healthy relationship and very naturally have fallen in love with each other. Tonya has been very upfront and open about things and she has never given me any reason to mistrust her. Yet I find myself unfairly and subconsciously comparing Tonya to the dishonest women of the past and getting worried about things. Sometimes it's just out of the blue. And for the first time in my life, I find myself getting regular panic attacks.

Tonya has a very outgoing, loving and compassionate personality. She's the type of person who will write (as in text message, Facebook, etc.) to EVERYONE (female or male, family, friends) things like "luv u!" and "xoxo"...yes, even to guy friends who she's known since high school. They all live out of state but that kind of thing BUGS THE S*** OUT OF ME. It's probably unwarranted. I've already been seeing a therapist since the divorce, but now the anxiety has gotten so bad that that I've had to get prescribed xanex.

Whoa...sorry about going on and on about myself. LOL! Achilles, do you have panic attacks of any kind? Or is it more of a general state of being worried for a few days, as you describe it?

[Achilles]

Thanks for the replies. We do tend to go out most weekends, and I keep it as varied as possible.

WDFADUDE: I've never had panic attacks, about this or anything else. I just sometimes get a worried feeling in the pit of my stomach as if something is wrong and I need to fix it. I've been treated bad in the past, but no where near what you went through.