I feel awful

[HeartIsAching]

I recently acquired a good very lightly used (like, still had the nubs on the tires) bicycle for my wife... it's been frustrating because I can't get the damned indexed shifting to work smoothly. Today I thought I finally had it, took it for a test ride, everything was working great, etc. Greeted my wife at the door when she got home from school with an offer to take Rosie (named after Rosie the Riveter, wife's doing) for a test ride.

My wife has not been riding a multi-speed bike, and is needing instructions on how/when to shift. That's not me being controlling, that's her idea. Personally, I have difficulty understanding what is hard about it. It's like a car - you start in first, when your RPM's are too high, you shift to 2nd, etc. Additionally, it's a trigger-shift, there's literally nothing that you can adjust, you just click the shifter and it goes to the next gear. But anyhow, she feels she needs coaching, so I go along with her on her old single-speed. About a mile into the ride, the chain jumped off the jockey-wheel (little gear at the bottom of the derailleur) which makes the shifting all wonky again. She asks me if she did something wrong shifting... I tell her quite honestly "No, it's not possible." I fixed it, and it happens again a few minutes later, and she asks again if she'd done something wrong. Now, this is the 2nd time TODAY, but she'd asked the same question a few days prior when I was working on the bike and got the same answer... and this time I got a little sarcastic with her, and said "Yep, it's all your fault. Happy now?". She laughed it off and said "Ok fine, it's not my fault." which doesn't make it ok, but I sort of left it there.

We got home, and as I was parking her bike and preparing to take her bike up to the porch/work area to mess with it some more, she asked me a third time for the day if she'd done something wrong...

And despite all of my classes, despite knowing better, and knowing better ways to say it, I snapped at her. Instead of properly saying "I feel like you're accusing me of lying". I instead said "No! You didn't do anything wrong! I've answered the same question three times now." and she went into the house. I felt absolutely horrible, and followed her into the house maybe 5 seconds later. She confronted me (yay for her! Big step!) and said "I didn't deserve that." and I said "No, you didn't. I'm sorry I snapped at you instead of telling you how I feel. I should have said that I felt distrusted and that I felt you were accusing me of lying to you." I also thanked her for telling me that it was not ok for me to have done that - she's been working on being able to speak up to me when something's wrong, it was a big step for her.

After a bit of talk, we were both in a better place, but she had to leave for work right after, and I still feel horrible.

[Wakeup]

Why would you feel horrible? You had a little disagreement and you both resolved it. Forgive yourself for being human and congratulate yourself for knowing when you handled something in a way that wasn't exactly dreadful but could have be changed up a bit to get better results. You fixed it in the end so end of. Yes?

[HeartIsAching]

Why would you feel horrible? You had a little disagreement and you both resolved it. Forgive yourself for being human and congratulate yourself for knowing when you handled something in a way that wasn't exactly dreadful but could have be changed up a bit to get better results. You fixed it in the end so end of. Yes?

Because I snapped at the love of my life? Because I hurt her feelings. Because I feel like I've taken that first step down the path to the dark side and forever will it dominate my destiny. Take your pick.

Because I have an abusive past, and I just abused the love of my life. Because I'm terrified I'm going to **** this up.

[KingZ]

Because I snapped at the love of my life? Because I hurt her feelings. Because I feel like I've taken that first step down the path to the dark side and forever will it dominate my destiny. Take your pick.

Because I have an abusive past, and I just abused the love of my life. Because I'm terrified I'm going to **** this up.

Here's a solution: make it up to her. Close your mouth and take her out to a really nice dinner. Bring her back for intense love-making. Rose pedals, candles, whatever the fu​ck that woman is into.

That'll be a great way to alleviate your guilt.

[HeartIsAching]

Here's a solution: make it up to her. Close your mouth and take her out to a really nice dinner. Bring her back for intense love-making. Rose pedals, candles, whatever the fu​ck that woman is into.

That'll be a great way to alleviate your guilt.

Yeah, bad plan. That's just perpetuating the cycle of violence. That's the 3rd phase called the "honeymoon phase". None of this is easy... I've done a lot of growing in the past couple of years, but clearly not enough.

[KingZ]

Yeah, bad plan. That's just perpetuating the cycle of violence. That's the 3rd phase called the "honeymoon phase". None of this is easy... I've done a lot of growing in the past couple of years, but clearly not enough.

What's wrong with perpetuating the cycle? Next time, you'll beat the shit out of her, and then you can do something really good, like buy her a new car.

Now man up and go yell at her for being the worst shifter in history, you big pussy.

[HeartIsAching]

Does your mom know you're using her computer?

[Wakeup]

Because I have an abusive past, and I just abused the love of my life. Because I'm terrified I'm going to **** this up.

That is hardly "abuse." Everyone including Jesus (if you believe in him) looses their patience ocassionally. No one is perfect and you both nipped it in the bud. There will be times when either you or her lose your patience with one another thats a fact. You resolved it quickly and you didn't let it escalate.

Feel "awful" if you choose to but as far as I can see it is a lot of negativity that you don't need to be hanging onto.

[Russian]

Well.. the good news is that you actually felt guilty about this and realized you were wrong even though you felt threatened by her first.

The not-so-good news is that every relationship will have its hard times and what you should do is learn from your mistake, understand why you lost your patience, and not do it again.

And just because the extra-nice treatment after a fight is characteristic of a phase in the abusive cycle model DOES NOT MEAN you cannot express your concern and love for her in a special way now. The honeymoon phase means that you only do nice things for your wife after you have really hurt her, to make up for it. I'm hoping that a fight is not the only way she can get you to be sweet and thoughtful.

[jb1111983]

I seriously think you need to forgive yourself for what happened. It was just a little incident and I'm sure your wife doesn't feel too bad about it now that you've apologised to her for it.

Don't be too hard on yourself or you will be hard on everyone else too including your wife. We all can learn from such mistakes and grow to be better people, bru.

Be nice to her not because you feel guilty for hurting her feelings but because you love her.

Good luck and good life with your wife.

[HeartIsAching]

I'm hoping that a fight is not the only way she can get you to be sweet and thoughtful.

Heh... read some of my threads.

[vampiress]

Why don't you talk to your wife about it, tell her everything you told us about how you still feel awful. Also try to contact someone of your ange management group and tell them about your fears of recurrence.
But I don't think there's a chance you might go back to the old you....

@ Wake up
I'm sorry but he has every right to panic.. It's a delicate situation here not any general case.

[Jenswaiting]

Keep this in perspective, everyone has slips. A slip does not mean you are going down the path of the dark side. What would be indicative of going down that path is not being aware of your mistake. Guilt is an emotion that keeps us in check when we've done something wrong. You've spoken with your wife and you are both working on your issues together, there is no need to beat yourself up further. One thing I would like to point out about 'beating yourself up' and negativity, the more you pursue feeling this way, the less likely this will help the situation. It could further hinder you if you let these thoughts get out of control in your head. I say this out of experience, I find the more I beat up myself for doing something wrong, my behaviour and attitude are quietly negative, which friends and family notice.

Being aware of your temper is what will keep you in check, you knew what you should have done so do it next time. Now go out and have fun, remind your wife that everything is on the 'down low'.

One more addition - I'd suggest to not revisit the issue with your wife. She is already aware of how you feel by your discussion. By bringing it up again you are only revisiting negative emotions and feelings.

[VNLifegood]

Because I snapped at the love of my life? Because I hurt her feelings. Because I feel like I've taken that first step down the path to the dark side and forever will it dominate my destiny. Take your pick.

Because I have an abusive past, and I just abused the love of my life. Because I'm terrified I'm going to **** this up.

I may not be the master of relationships: But I must say you should not let your past affect your present. I know where you feel like this, and even I snapped at my ex-wife in a few situations I should not have. But you must realize, to err is to be human.
Love is like this: You love and you experience moments of the greatest happiness in life and other times the greatest pain.
It's nothing that will remain perfect and clear cut always. But it's about how you handle the bad moments. I would say give her a hug, apologize and do what I read another mentioned if you feel you went too far: Pamper her a bit. Listen to her. Take some time to listen to her and hear what she was feeling, and then some.

Key component of any relationship is the way an individual communicates with their other half. Don't be so hard on yourself for being upset at the moment but learn from it, be a little more conscious of how you react. And listen to her a bit more when you can.


Jenswaiting also has a very keen and good point. Do not revisit past negative scenarios. Especially one like this. There's other situations that may dictate bringing up the past, but this is definitely not one of them. You must keep that in mind. Just because you felt bad, you should not blow it out of proportion for her also. She may end up picking on those negative vibes and fear something else. So be positive, be sure of yourself, listen to her, and smile. You have a girl who wants to communicate with you and wants you to listen. That's a great thing you got going.
No dark side stuff.

[bulrush]

When you make a mistake, apologize for it. Admit you were wrong. Give her a hug. Do not buy her things to apologize, or she will link material things with love and affection, and that can be bad. She sounds insecure about using a multi-speed bike and simply wanted to make sure she understood how it works. Nothing more.