I have a girlfriend with kids..

[sharfouche]

I'm dating an amazing girl who has a 3 and 5 year old. When they're with their dad, we're amazing together but when they're with her, my mood seems to change. No one is mean to one another or anything, I just withdrawl myself a little. The kids are awesome but I'm having a hard time wanting a relationship with them. My girlfriend says that if we're together, she wants me to end up loving these kids as my own. Not one part of me thinks I'll ever be in that mindset. I dont have children and again, these are cool kids but I dont want that to be a reason for us to break up. She wants me to tell her asap if I'm going to be in these kids life and NOT make them feel like "step kids". This girl is the best thing thats ever happened to me and I dont want to let her go or vice versa but what am I supposed to do in this situation?

[vashti]

If you know you won't ever feel genuine affection for her kids, let her go. The kids are going to need someone who CAN feel this way about them. They are a family, and they are a package deal.

[Ric]

I agree with Vashti, but also want to add something.
You could actually put in effort to build a connection with the kids. Instead of withdrawing just go and play with with them and stuff. Maybe having tried that and having her kids respond positively you'll change your mind.
If after having tried a few times that and you'll still feel as if you couldn't build up a relationship with the kids, then it would be fair to break it off.

[smackie9]

GET OUT! You need to find yourself someone who doesn't have kids...in this situation there is no way around it...you have to let go.

[jb1111983]

Yep, get out! You can't have her in your life without her kids. Her kids are very important to her and if what's important to her isn't so important to you, you shouldn't be with her.

[vashti]

I do NOT recommend that you try to insert yourself more prominently in her children's lives. It is very hard on kids when men come and go out of their lives. They need a stable environment.

[Illusional]

trust me, you only feel this way because you're young and you're not thinking long term. you're at an age where you aren't ready to raise children, much less someone else's kids. however, when you're ready, you won't care if these kids are homeless, fatherless, or yours,.. you will love them either way. until that, just stay with this girl and see where things go because if there aren't any problems now, things are probably going in the right direction.


raverboy

[jnr1005]

Deff get out if you can't be athere for the kids. I have two myself and would never keep dating a guy that didn't seem like he could love them like his own. Made the mistake of getting married to a guy who had two and I had my one. He always treated mine different from his and I would never do that to my kid again. If you can't be everything for all of them, then you need to end it. Mother and kids are a package deal, no way around it.

[devonbrown]

Personally, I would ask yourself why it is that you feel you won't be able to establish a connection with her children. Do you not want kids yourself? Are you young and want to just have fun? Do you feel that an instant family is a little too much for you right now?
You need to figure out the why first. Once you know that yourself, talk to her about it. You will have a decision then, whether it is yours or if she makes it for you. But it is important to know yourself first.

Good luck.

[bluesummer]

My girlfriend says that if we're together, she wants me to end up loving these kids as my own. Not one part of me thinks I'll ever be in that mindset

That's a sign that it's just not going to happen. This means you're going to have to FORCE yourself to feel that way, and methinks that's unlikely to happen.

Let's be real for a second, though. They're NOT your own, and I don't know how your gf could expect you to love them as if you produced them yourself. They're another man's offfspring. I for one have never understood this in women, and I AM a woman. I would expect a man to treat my kids well and be a good parent to them, but it's asking way to much for him to act like they're his. I don't have kids btw, but I've never dated a man with kids because I could probably be nice to them but I never wanted to be the pseudo-mom of some other woman's children.

I know you love her, but you can't fake loving her kids and she expects you to.

[Riku]

I agree with bluesummer and I have a kid. I will never ever expect anyone I'm seeing to love my kid as their own. My son has a mother and a father who love him and we are his parents even if we aren't together. If I remarry I would expect my husband to be able to love and help care for my son but never like it was his own. I would never think that my ex-husband could find a woman that could love my son like I do, I think that is just unrealistic.

[JadenMia]

First off, i would like to agree with everyone else. Get out of that relationship, it is unfair to her and her kids. If you feel you can never get close to her kids and have some kind of relationship with them, then what is the point in carrying on? Someday she is going to realise how you feel, you are going to get more and more serious and if you decide to move in, in the future, then it is going to fall apart anyway. Do the right and fair thing.

Secondly, i would like to disagree with some people here, I dont know my real 'father', my dad is who raised me but is not blood related. Up until i was 18 i thought he was my real father, he has always treated me like his own, like his first born etc.. In fact i have more of a connection with him than my siblings who are his blood relations. When i found out about my real father, my dad was devastated and asked me not to think of him in any other way other than my dad.
I cannot begin to imagine how shitty i would feel if he didnt treat and care for me like i was his own and act like it. I KNOW my dad loves me as much as my mother does, he is the greatest dad anyone could ask for and i am so grateful for it. For the people who say it is unrealistic, thats just silly. I know LOTS of families who are the same way and i as a woman with a daughter whos father didnt want anything to do with us, i expect to find a man who will treat my daughter like his own and love and care for her just as much as i do. I wouldnt have it any other way. Especially as i have always been in the same situation, me in the childs place.

[Riku]

That's your situation, but I'm saying my son has a father who is involved in his life and therefore I would never ask another man to treat my son as his own. Even if his father wasn't involved, that is something that you can't expect of someone. You can expect someone to be kind and caring to your child but you cannot dictate that they love your child as if it were their own. Who are you to tell someone how to love another human being?

[JadenMia]

That's your situation, but I'm saying my son has a father who is involved in his life and therefore I would never ask another man to treat my son as his own. Even if his father wasn't involved, that is something that you can't expect of someone. You can expect someone to be kind and caring to your child but you cannot dictate that they love your child as if it were their own. Who are you to tell someone how to love another human being?

Oh no, i wouldnt tell someone to love my daughter like i would. I would expect someone who wants to be with me, to do it. If not, i wouldnt be with them. Simple as.

[Cerby]

Did everyone completely ignore the option of wrapping them up in tarps and rope and tossing them in a river with some bricks?

But that aside, everyone is right, the OP is just kidding himself that this will ever work.