online porn - is it grounds for breakup?

[ladiesfirst]

If you discovered that your partner was secretly looking at porn multiple times per day (basically, whenever he thinks nobody can see what he's doing on his computer or smartphone), would you be able to look past it? I'm in this situation right now and I'm not sure I can deal with what seems to be a porn addiction on his part. Anybody else ever deal with something like this?

[Mike588]

I would talk to him about in an honest open way. Don't "attack him" with it or he will become defensive. Tell him how you feel about it and go from there.

[searock]

I think you should bring up the subject just by calmly asking him why he does that (without sounding aggressive or disapproving or anything).

[ladiesfirst]

I actually have talked to him about it on a few occasions, but all that does is seem to drive the behavior further underground. This makes me fear it might be a real addiction and something that will never change. Aside from that, most things in our relationship are great--but the constant looking at porn is tough to deal with.

[maxmax]

Porn itself shouldn't be grounds for a break-up, not unless:

1) it's interfering with your sex life and his motivation to have sex with you;

2) impacting on his behaviour, attitude, activities i.e. when it starts taking over his life and becomes an obsession;

3) he explicitly promised, for whatever reason, not to view porn but continues to do so

4) is viewing material which you consider to he entirely offensive and objectionable.

Even then, you should really talk to him about it, understand what and why he watches, and let him know how you feel about the whole matter.

If the porn isn't impacting on either him, or you, then in most cases it is harmless and not a reason for concern.

[vashti]

I wouldn't be interested in dating someone who had such poor impulse control. I don't really have a problem with occasional porn, but a daily habit, multiple times a day? I don't think he is going to stop, no matter how nice and non-threatening you are when you ask.

[searock]

What did he reply when you asked him why he watches it so often?

[maxmax]

I actually have talked to him about it on a few occasions, but all that does is seem to drive the behavior further underground. This makes me fear it might be a real addiction and something that will never change. Aside from that, most things in our relationship are great--but the constant looking at porn is tough to deal with.

Well, if he is 'addicted' then he might actually need therapy or some form of counselling.

It's not a healthy 'hobby' ... especially when in a relationship.

[ladiesfirst]

He claims to do it because he is "bored," but I don't buy it. If that's the real reason, he must be the most bored person on the planet! My concern is primarily that he's getting most of his sexual fulfillment from that, leaving very little sexual contact between us (and frequency of sex has gone down a lot since the relationship started--I know some of that's normal, but I don't know how much to say is because of porn).

[maxmax]

He claims to do it because he is "bored," but I don't buy it. If that's the real reason, he must be the most bored person on the planet! My concern is primarily that he's getting most of his sexual fulfillment from that, leaving very little sexual contact between us (and frequency of sex has gone down a lot since the relationship started--I know some of that's normal, but I don't know how much to say is because of porn).

Porn addiction is not a cure for boredom.

Has he ever heard of taking up a hobby? Learning an instrument? Going to the gym? Taking up a sport? Or even spending more time with you and doing things as a couple?

Blaming boredom for his obsession is a weak excuse. Porn addiction can closely be related to more serious concerns such as depression and low self-esteem. If it's as bad as you suggest, then you really need to sit down with him and consider he take steps to help address his unhealthy behaviour.

[searock]

I agree with maxmax, he should get help.

[bulrush]

I agree with maxmax. Porn is only a problem if it negativly impacts his life, like his and your sex life, financial life, home life (is he ignoring the kids?), etc.

But let's assume it's not an addiction. Maybe he has a high sex drive. That's very different from an addiction. How old is he, how much does he work out, and what are his workouts like (long long)? Working out raises men's sex drives (per my doctor).

So, if you are really worried about him looking at pictures of women that he will never meet, I think it is not he with the problem.

[tremolo]

I would be concerned as well, and yes, it is absolutely grounds for breakup. I could overlook my partner my using porn ever so occasionally (when I am not there), but daily? - multiple times a day? - particularly, when he has *you* to satisfy him sexually? That's not okay in my book. I agree with Vashti that I'd be looking for a boyfriend with better self-control.

While porn may be a universally male interest, I've come to realize that there are men who *love* their porn, and there are men who enjoy it, but for whom it isn't a controlling interest. Any guy who vehemently insists on its harmlessness, who continues to use it after he says he won't, who tries to get you to be okay with it - that guy falls into the former category, and isn't a guy I would want to be involved with.

And yeah, the boredom excuse? Lame, lame, lame. Porn does not exist to satisfy a man's boredom. It exists to satisfy a man's sexual urges. Your boyfriend clearly has some strong 'needs' and desires that don't involve you. Is that grounds for breakup? I would certainly think so. Particularly when it makes you feel so badly.

[tremolo]

So, if you are really worried about him looking at pictures of women that he will never meet, I think it is not he with the problem.

Disagree. What does it matter if he'll never meet them, when he quite clearly is fixated on them? An abstraction can be just as dangerous as a real, accessible person. Anything that takes one person's affection and interest away from their partner and directs it toward another person is a threat to that relationship.

[muddblood]

Boy, how open we allow ourselves to become in a public forum like this (really talking about myself here). I too look at online porn and my wife has been on me from the first time she caught me. For me, it's more about respect for my wife. Some of things I look at seem rather, crude and unusual, and I don't want to have my wife feeling like she's been used. I never ask for anything, even in the bedroom. So porn is a way to kinda live the fantasy while still respecting my wife. I know she'd do anything (well would have befor this year anyway - long story) I'd ask just to please me, but me being me, I don't ask.

Also, it is a well document fact that guys are visually stimulated. They/us/we like to see things. But in any case, it does seem like it might be an addiction looking at it that much. Shoot, my wife though I had an addiction and i only looked it online porn 3-4 times a week ( at least when I was younger). And the fact that he doesn't want to talk about it - he's just embarred that he is looking at it (or got caught). The boredom excuse....ehhhhh...I can buy that, but like tremolo says, there are other things he can do to pass the time. Try to get him motivated to do something else, shoot, even video games or something. Buy him an inexspenive RC helicopter (3 or more channels) - that'll keep him busy for hours