girlfriends moving in with a guy i dont trust

[liverpool85]

Im in a long distance commited relationship. I am serving in the forces and my girlfriend lives in the uk. We see each other wherever possible but not as much as we would like as im away 6 months of the year. I have always been faithful and i believe 100% she has as well.

the problem isnt with trust, its he naivety that i worry about. she is absolutely oblivious to when a guy is hitting on her, she thinks they are "just nice guys, and im paranoid" but im not a jealous/paranoid type. she has plenty of guy mates who i trust, but she cant tell the difference between the nice ones and the ones who are being nice to her because shes hot.

the problem is shes applying to do a masters degree next year and met a guy at one of the interviews, she met him again at another one and he gave her his email. when they both got the same uni he suggested they should rent together as they both dont know other people.

i said to her that i dont trust this guy. why has he out of all the people at the interviews decided to chat to the hot, petite blonde? why not a guy or a less attractive girl? why then exchange emails? then when they dont know each other at all they are moving in together.

i work with loads of girls but would never tell my gf i was moving in with one. even though i know she trusts me i wouldnt want to put her in a position where she feels awkward. why cant she show me this same respect?

i told her a few weeks ago i wasnt comfortable with this and i didnt want it to happen. (i felt i should have just said "no you are not moving in" like a lot of guys would, but i dont want to be controlling). she started crying, saying she was nervous at living on her own with someone else that she didnt know. i pointed out that she doesnt know this guy from adam.

shes got a lot of stress in her life at the moment so i didnt push her, instead i said to her, please look at all other options and if this is the only viable option she could, but as the last resort.

ive gone away for a month, shes looked at no other options like we agreed, shes just gone flat hunting and has got a flat with him. is it me or is that showing me no respect? it feels like she turned on the tears to shut me up then went against my wishes.

now im a mess, im away at the moment, back in a few days and im gonna talk to her and i dont know what to say. up until a month ago i had plans to propose. i want to spend the rest of my life with her. but i cant get the thought out of my head that this guy is gonna try and bed her.

am i wrong to feel like this? i feel that if she respected me, me saying im not comfortable with this should be enough. now my choice is spend 2 years feeling awkward and worried or finish with the girl who i thought was my soulmate.

[Vanessa]

I get where you're coming from and I've got a friend just like that - guys will hit on her hard and she thinks it's all innocent. Why doesn't she move into a campus/student accommodation? It's not as if she actually knows the guy, he's not a childhood friend or anything and even if he was I still wouldn't be ok with it in your shoes, but let's say it would at least be a different situation. This guy is basically a stranger and this is not her last resort, it sounds like a whim. She hasn't known him for long and if she were to move in some sort of student accommodation in one week she'd probably get to know her flatmates better than she knows this dude now.

I don't know if she was using the tears as blackmail, she just sounds like she has a weaker personality overall, with her concern of meeting new people and her naivety when it comes to men.

I don't think what you're feeling is wrong, I think her behaviour and choice are; it's inappropriate for her to live by herself with some guy she just met while she's in a relationship with you. By the sounds of it she's already found a flat and is doing it regardless of your concerns, is her decision final?

[reeba]

she is nervous about living on her own, or living with someone she doesn't know?

she DOES NOT KNOW this guy either. she met him twice and chats with him on email. now she thinks he would be a good roommate? i think she is wasting her money and time getting a masters, cause she doesn't sound too bright to me.

[tremolo]

i think she is wasting her money and time getting a masters, cause she doesn't sound too bright to me.

I'm sorry but that is a really stupid comment.

OP, I get why you're anxious/worried. Probably this guy your girlfriend wants to house with extended the offer because he thinks she's hot. But that's doesn't mean that anything is going to happen there. One of my exes used to get horrendously upset about me spending time with certain male friends. He's right that those friends found me hot, but what annoyed me so is that he didn't trust me to keep the friendship on a platonic level. The guys weren't even single, and my ex forbade me to spend time with them. I finally honored his wishes, but I was angry about it and his insecurity and controlling behavior made him less attractive to me. Unless you think your girlfriend might have a thing for this guy, I would let her do what she is going to do and trust her that she'll behave appropriately. It sounds like she's already explored other options and hasn't found anything suitable. As someone who lived with a lot of 'randoms' during my time in grad school, I'm inclined to think she's probably safer living with someone she already 'knows'... even if only as an acquaintance.

Besides... if she were to live elsewhere, there would probably be some guy in the house who would also think she's hot.

[Wakeup]

Im in a long distance commited relationship. I am serving in the forces and my girlfriend lives in the uk. We see each other wherever possible but not as much as we would like as im away 6 months of the year.

She doesn't care to handle the distance and lack of contact anymore by the sounds of things.

If she has already made plans to share accomodations with this guy knowing how you feel then she doesn't value the relationship or she so takes it for granted she figures she can do this and you'll still stick around.
Or: Perhaps she's just not letting you rule her so she doesn't enable your jealousy by relenting to YOUR demands? Many scenerios are possible.
Make up your mind if you can trust her or not and if you can't then end things.

I'd say being in a long distance relationship and not seeing each other for 6 or more months odds are is not a relationship that's likely to last anyway.

[liverpool85]

i think she is wasting her money and time getting a masters, cause she doesn't sound too bright to me.

i dont appreciate that, shes brighter than most. shes just a little nervous about living with people she doesnt know, which i understand. My issue is the circumstances she met this guy and his intentions. I trust her, but on the flip side if i was to move in with a girl she thought fancied me i dont think she would like it.

I think her fears of moving in with a stranger are overshadowing my fears of her moving in with this guy.

[liverpool85]

.

I'd say being in a long distance relationship and not seeing each other for 6 or more months odds are is not a relationship that's likely to last anyway.

I know to an outsider it sounds like an impossible situation, to someone who has never had a long distance relationship that has worked you wouldnt understand. we have been together for two years now and we still love each other completely. The relationship will last because in less than a year im going to stop haing to go away. we have done the hard bit of the relationship and are still going strong.

[Wakeup]

I trust her,

No you don't because if you did you'd be fine with her moving in with a guy. Short of raping her, she is in complete control of who she does and does not go to bed with. So you don't trust her or you would KNOW that she would not do anything that would jeapardize your union.

but on the flip side if i was to move in with a girl she thought fancied me i dont think she would like it.

Did you ask her that question? If you did, what was her come-back?

we have been together for two years now and we still love each other completely. The relationship will last because in less than a year im going to stop haing to go away. we have done the hard bit of the relationship and are still going strong.

This is your first test then. She's doing what she wants no matter what you say (Is that right? She's chosen to room with him?) Do you think you can handle this and actually Trust her and not just voice that you do?

[IncognitoSir]

She does sounds REALLY naive. To think, she believes she knows enough about this "guy" to move in with him??? That's insanity. I think she latched on to the first guy who gave her some attention and is running with it. I bet she's the type that can't be alone right? Anyways, the trust is leaving and TIME alone will end this relationship. She doesn't care about how this all makes you feel so take that into consideration. You my friend are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I've seen situations such as this and it usually ends bad. It's up to you. Stick around and go along with whatever makes her happy in the relationship, or move on with out her.

[IndiReloaded]

He's after your girl, you are exactly right about this. Just tell her that this is how guys operate. Say its what YOU would suggest if you were this guy.

Tell her you would be more comfortable w/her getting a female roomate. Or at least *another* female roommate to share this space + this guy if its a done deal.

But its not looking good from your perspective. Sorry, I completely agree with your conclusions.

[Andariel]

If she has already signed the lease then there is not much that can be done to change this. If she hasn't then she could possibly explore living in a student residence but from my experience when I was doing my masters in Wales it is a lot more expensive compared to house-sharing. And that was in Wales where living in student residences/ renting a place on your own is a lot cheaper compared to other places such as London.

If she can't afford renting a place on her own, it is inevitable that she will house-share and very likely that there will be guys in the house. In London for instance it is not uncommon to be living with up to 5 people, some of whom are likely to be men.

Even if this guy fancies her, it does not mean that she will develop any feelings for him. I used to flatshare with guys and there was never anything even remotely sexual between us. This is very common practice in the UK so I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Why don't you suggest to her to meet this guy when you're back home? Make your presence known and get a feel of the guy's intentions.He would be more likely to not try anything with her if he actually met you. Your girl sounds really scared about living with complete strangers so this is the reason in my opinion why she wants to share a house with him. Don't read too much into it; they will just be sharing a house, it's not a big deal. The time they will actually be spending together is not going to be that significant.When you're a student you're either in class or out with your friends. You don't spend much time at home! Plus housesharing really puts you off your housemates-you see them at their worst and any attraction will quickly fade away.

If you love her and she loves you then this is no big deal. Don't get all worked up. From personal experience but also from friends and colleagues who flatshare I would say that there's not much to worry about them living together.

[NotTheGuy]

My initital thought is 'He's totally after your girl'...And he must be really into her (not just looking for a one night thing) or he wouldn't get into the complex mess of sharing a place together.

You say you trust her, but you worry she is naive. Understandable. However, if you do trust her, and she's not a fool, then she won't just sleep with the guy out of the blue unless one of three things happen 1) She gets drunk and easy to take advantage of 2) She gets mad at you for something, gets all emotional, and he's there to 'comfort' her or 3) He rapes her.

You should know if 1 or 2 is a possibility or not with her.

Good luck, and I hope this other guy is history soon.

[grenade]

The first thing I thought was that he really wants your woman but if you think about it he might actually be one of those few nice guys out there. I mean think about it, how many guys that want to just sleep with a girl would bother sharing a house with her? That's a lot more trouble than any booty call is worth in my opinion. And he could really seriously be into her like NTG said but he has only met her twice and been emailing like you said. It would be extreme to get a house with a girl you barely know just for the hopes of getting with her. But I agree that his original intentions weren't honorable when he got her email.

The way I see it is he got her email in hopes of sleeping with her, they actually became friends, and they decided to get a house together because they're both uneasy about being in a new place with people they don't know at all. Guys can get scared of being alone too. They just won't talk about it. That's just an opinion though.

Also I just gotta say that I'm one of those super naive girls that can't tell who's good and who's bad and my bf hates it. I will admit that it's gotten me into some sticky situations before but as naive that I am, I'm not dumb and neither is your gf. Unless she is braindead (which is clearly not the case because she is attending college) she will notice if this guy is trying to undress her. She is fully capable of interpreting those obvious 'I'm about to go for it' signs that guys give off and she can shut him down if she wants to which she will because if she wanted to sleep with him she wouldn't have told you all the details about meeting him and sharing a house.

My advice is to have a little faith in your woman and her common sense but also make your presence known to this guy just in case.
*Flashing your gun a little wouldn't hurt either hahaha

[Andariel]

*Flashing your gun a little wouldn't hurt either hahaha

Ha ha! ;-)