Contemplating leaving my child's father

[aidensmommy]

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years almost . We have an 18 month old son. I feel like I may be settling for this relationship now and keeping it together for my son's sake, so he has a mommy and daddy around always. I love my boyfriend. I just worry now that Im not IN love with him anymore. We've been through so much the past 3 years. Lots of fighting, now we dont fight as much anymore, but we still do fight here and there. Its more just nagging at each other now.We dont have much sex, never have really and when we do I always have this guillty feeling bc i dont enjoy it (never really have). When he touches me I pull away all the time, I get goosebumps and dont want to be touched by him. I feel awful i feel all these feelings bc i do love him. I dont know what my problem is. I know he loves me and isnt thinking about breaking up at all. Weve been talking marriage and buying a house lately. Marriage part is whats scaring me bc im not sure if i ieven wanna be with him. I feel like im using him and dont wnat to do that either. Im a stay at home mom (its what he wants and supportss) and he pays for everything, so if i left Id have nothing and I know it would be hard but i know i could get on my feet. Id just have to work my butt off. I havent broke up with him bc I dont want to make any crazy drastic decision and regret it later. I want to be sure for my sons sake. any advice? sorry so confusing if u have questions, jus ask.

[aidensmommy]

he's lazy, he never wants to anything different or fun or out of his comfort zone, hes a homebody, im the opposite! He's not very helpful with our son, he hardly plays wth him, when he gets home from work 5 days a week he goes and plays on his computer and lays in bed. And him not playing with our son much really kills me and him not wanting to do things as a family kills me too. he get frustrated in public easily due to ptsd (hes in the miltiary) and hates crowds so he uses that as an excuse to never do anything with aiden our son bc trying to watch an active toddler in crowds is tough. we also are both jealous. i need to fight with him to have a girls night out ever which rarely happens anyways and when we fight he calls names and uses the past against me (like past relationships before i even met him) . theres so much negative i see now. is it worth staying together for our son? aiden deserves a mom and dad together and happy.

[leoben]

is it worth staying together for our son?

No, he doesn't need to grow up thinking a normal relationship is one where mommy want's to throw up whenever daddy tries to be affectionate. You would be doing him the biggest favor in the world by finding a guy you actually want to be with, and who wants to spend some time with him.

[Wakeup]

If you can't stand the man touching you then I suggest you start by telling him that you're going to try getting yourself a job. Surely you don't expect to or want to go on welfare and live in low rental, crappy housing. Then once you've got a job and saved up enough money for first and last month's rent on a decent place , move out Contact Legal Aid for help with setting up child support payments and a schedule of visitation for your husband to see his child.

If he's not getting any therapy for his PTSD then I can't see him changing. Have you at least had a conversation with him about how unhappy you are and that you're contemplating leaving? If you haven't then you should first do that and perhaps it will kick him into action towards being a better partner by getting the help he needs. Right now he has you totally dependent on him and it sounds like he's doing his best to isolate you from your friends by making you feel guilty and causing arguments whenever you want to be with them. . Get out or get couples counceling but do something soon before things get worse.

How old are you and where are your parents? What do they say about you being so unhappy and living with this man?

[aidensmommy]

Im 24. I havent told many people how unhappy I am. They know we fight , but think its normal and that all couples fight. We actualllly started fighting this morning about something so stupid, but then he started making me feel guilty for having a good time at the beach with my son yesterday while he worked ( he always makes me feel guilty for having a good time). So I told him IM done. He knows i contemplate leaving him often but then we get over our issue and pretend everythings okay until the next big fight. Im just so sick of always feeling bad for things I know I shouldnt feel bad for. I also am sick of seeing him always laying down playing his vids and not doing anything to help around here. I know he works andI dont expect him to do a lot. Just take out trash without me asking but I always have to ask him for days, and by that time Im just over it and I do it myself. I keep the house clean,wash dishes daily, do laundry take care of our son 99% of the time. He does nothing but work and he tells me " he sick of spending his life doing for others" . Othere than being financially responsible for me and my son, he doesnt do anything for me or aiden. He does do alot for his family but thats also who he works for so I dunno about that. I honestly feel lke I dont like to be touched by him bc I just know deep down what kind of person he is and I haate it. there is no changing him. He wiould never go to counceling EVER I've tried before. Ive been upset and crying all morning bc of our fight this morning and telling him Im done bc now Im freaking out wondering where im going to go and how am I going to survive with only $3 in my purse?! I hate to think of going back to my fathers and him having to support my son and I . My dads done sooo much for us already. And unfortuanately theres noway my mother would be able to help, she was recently laid off herself. I need to talk to rob about how im feeling , i just know its going toend up in a fight and it wont help anything.

[aidensmommy]

Im also not somebody who is willing to rely on welfare. I can and am willing to find a job.

[Wakeup]

I don't think he believes you'll leave him because you don't have the financial means to leave. That's why I tell all young girls to not get pregnant or live with a guy untill they have finished school and have a good job. Men used to get away with being wife beaters and chronic cheaters in the old days because women were'nt basically allowed to work and were dependent on the man they chose to share a life with. That doesn't have to and it should never happen in this day and age where women often make more then men and can support themselves with or without children.

If you're serious about leaving him (which I think you should because he sounds abusive, depressed, cynical and jaded which is a lousy partner indeed) then ask your Dad for his help and leave while you look for a job. He is emotionally and mentally abusive and you don't need your son being trained that that is the way you treat women.

Don't just vent, take some action. If he won't get therapy then he'll likely not change for the better.

[aidensmommy]

K. thanks for the talk. I agree. I already told him that I am going to find a job, save up and then move out . He hasnt said a thing about it. He doesnt believe me but I am going to do it. I agree wit u and worry all the time my son is going to grow up and b just like him and I tell Rob that too. I dont want that at all and its not healthy to be fighting like this in front of him or him seeing me cry. I appreciate it. Thanks