How do you bring up a looming issue?

[Way2Roux]

Hi,

I have a concern about a long-term relationship that I've been in. We've been living together for about a year. Everything is going really well and we make each other happy. More and more I get a feeling like he's going to pop the question. But there is something about him that has been on my mind lately. He was charged with a DUI about a year ago and it ruined both of our lives. The charges were revoked, but last weekend while I was out of town he admitted to drinking and driving again. I honestly don't believe I could go through what we went through the first time ever again. I stressed my concern to him but now I'm wondering if he's even capable of stopping. I feel like I want to sit down and talk with him about how worried I am. I am willing to believe that its his personality and that this could be the beginning of the end of a wonderful thing. I just can't believe he would keep doing something that is so careless...

Advice?

[thetrickster]

Hi Way2roux

Not easy. Timing is essential to get him in the right state of mind. Learn a little about what the stats say about drink drivers and the impact on their lives if prosecuted or worse he had an accident and injured/killed someone. In the uk the car classed as a dangerous weapon in that case.

Start with your love for him... But work through the issues and get him commit to a short rehab style programme if u can - a) to help him really change and b) to mark him commitment to you. Maybe even reward him somehow - you know best :0)

[ecojeanne]

he obviously doesn't really 'get' how serious drinking and driving is. i would imagine that he thinks it's a trivial thing. someone (not you) needs to make him realise how serious this is. other than that all you can do is warn him. don't nag tho, it won't help, he'll just think you're being over dramatic. at the end of the day he will be held responsible for anything that happens. if you love him, then stick with him, it you think he's grand (good for the moment) then dump him, no need for extra hassle down the road.

[Wakeup]

This is a red flag that you are wise not to ignore. He obviously has a drinking problem and before you marry an alcoholic you may want to go to the AA site and read. Educate yourself and then you'll start off your conversation with the knowledge you need to broach his problem with him. You'll not be able to convince him in anyway so don't EXPECT that your going to be able to control an outcome here. Hopefully he'll have a light-bulb moment and be able to and willing to quit on his own. Don't get your expectation up on that outcome though.

I just hope when he hits his rock bottom that that rock bottom for him is not killing someone while driving drunk.

If he ever asks you to marry him, don't unless he's fixed and is over his addiction and stupidity. Remember you can't fix him so don't marry him when his actions are so angst inducing to you. JMO.

[devonbrown]

I agree with all of the above. Also, when you decide to have the conversation with him, try to remain calm and keep the conversation from turning into accusations and insults. If the two of you can stay calm and pleasant during the conversation, it will go much easier on both of you.

Good luck.

[ecojeanne]

just because he drinks and drives does not make him an alcoholic. over dramatic i'd say

[HeartIsAching]

Whew, tough one.

I'd make sure he knew that if he gets a DUI:

1. You will not help him. No bail, no court fees, no lawyer, no help with fines, no help whatsoever.
2. You will be gone ASAP.

[Way2Roux]

He doesn't have a drinking problem, we just like to go out

I agree that timing is essential. I don't want to bring it up randomly... we’ve been together for long enough, so I feel comfortable opening with the “can I talk to you about something”… if he did ask me to marry him, I'm not stupid enough to say yes. He loves me SO much that he can't stand the thought of me possibly not liking who he is, or the thought of me possibly rejecting him, so its always been hard for me to word criticisms (although I have very few). I want to emphasize that I'm worried, and I want the fact that I really could not survive another DUI to be known, and the truth is I really couldn’t. It would be too hard. He lost everything the last time it happened: his job, his home, his car, and even visitation rights with his daughter.

I want him to understand that I love him, but being careless is something I cant tolerate. I live in Louisiana and so many people drink and drive here its ridiculous: you really wouldn’t believe it but that’s how it is down here. It makes it even harder… Its possible that he won't do it again, because he said that he wouldn’t, but I really don’t know what I would do if it happened again. And if he got another DUI I couldn’t stick around. I just wouldn’t be able to: my heart couldn’t handle it.


Thanks for your replies

[Rabbitt]

Honestly I think you should just sit down and have a good talk that's all, stress can cause to drink and drive.

Hell i've even been drinking and driving, maybe not alot but definatly some this does not automatically mean im an alcoholic but I had a few rough patches here and there and thats over now and you don't see me sippin the bottle.



Just talk really, don't over analyze. Also be firm in what you believe, if you hate it when he does that make it VERY clear to him. If he does it again then it's a problem.

[Way2Roux]

Thanks, I have been drinking and driving too

I guess I'm just not sure what is going on in his mind

[Benni]

Have him watch this video. It might get through to him how serious drinking and driving are.

[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2mf8DtWWd8&list=FLTQs90z2cVYuZnzRxF3dF-Q&feature=plcp]TAC Campaign - 20 year Anniversary retrospective montage "Everybody Hurts" music by REM TV ad - YouTube[/url]

[HeartIsAching]

He doesn't have a drinking problem, we just like to go out

Bull. If he goes out and has so little self-control that he drives afterwards, then he has a problem. He may not have an alcohol addiction but he has a problem. Before you get all defensive on me, I'm one of those people. I spent 11 years being what they call a "functional alcoholic". I don't have an alcohol addiction but I damn sure do like to drink. I still drink, but far less than I used to, far less regularly than I used to, and I usually don't get hammered like I used to.

If he's drinking and driving, he's got a problem.

This shit really pisses me off. My wife was in a car accident last night and her car was totaled by another driver (who was uninsured) because in his mind it was perfectly ok to put MY wife in danger because his pregnant wife had fallen at home and he had to get to her. This selfish bullshit thinking is exactly what I hate about drunk drivers. If your wife's fallen and hurt, you don't run red lights and hurt someone else, you call a ****ing ambulance.

[Wakeup]

just because he drinks and drives does not make him an alcoholic. over dramatic i'd say

He got a DUI and put himself and the OP through a bunch of angst inducing stress, then after going through that and putting her through all that too, he did it again. He has a drinking problem which is affecting his life in a negative manner which he refuses or cannot or doesn't want to fix. Budding Alcoholic ~ Hardly over-dramatic. Most people learn a lesson when they've been charged and go through what he has if they do NOT have a drinking problem.

He doesn't have a drinking problem, we just like to go out

Gezzzzusss.... Have you ever heard of a fking "designated driver" or a taxi cab? Grow up before you or he kills someone. Shame on you both.

[Way2Roux]

Soooooooo anyway. We went to New Orleans this weekend and no drinking and driving was involved. We actually took a cab home

To all of you who are scolding me... um not helping, thanks

[HeartIsAching]

Soooooooo anyway. We went to New Orleans this weekend and no drinking and driving was involved. We actually took a cab home

To all of you who are scolding me... um not helping, thanks

Nobody was scolding you.