Can you ever feel settled again?

[adamh1]

Hi Guys,


I will try and keep this as short as possible so I don't bore you.


I have been with my GF for almost 3 years now. Up until now it has been a very genuine, loving relationship with clear potential for much more. For me, she was everything I could ever want in a partner and more, and the relationship was perfect to me.

Over the past 2 months, we have hit massive bumps in the road. Least to say is has and still is massively taking it's toll on us.
I won't go into the exact details but least to say it involves infidelity, depression/low mood, unsure feelings, therapy and a lot of personal changes.

All of these things have been on my partners side, I have remained the same (I think?) throughout all of this, just trying to make sense of it piece by piece. Watching my partner and my relationship change completely around me with little to no control over it.
I guess I have just taken all the cr*p that has been thrown at me, pushed it to the side and supported my partner.

Things do seem to be getting better on the surface. But not internally with me.
My question though, after going through a lot and being put through so much cr*p. Can you ever really feel safe and settled again? Will I find resolve in her past actions and find peace with it at any point? Or will it continue to feel like an uphill battle draining my energy every day?

One of the big things for me at the moment is I feel I can't lean on her for support.
When she asks me how my day was, I put on a big smile and tell her it was great. Outside of everything with her, I have actually been through a fair amount recently at work and with my health. And I haven't told her any of it.......
Normally she would be my rock, as I am hers. But lately with everything that has happened I have been treating her like glass I guess.
I don't tell her how I really feel about us. I don't tell her the sh*t and worry that is in my life. Partly because I feel like I should forget that and be there for her through a rough time as a complete rock.
The other part of me doesn't feel secure in talking to her any more, I guess I don't feel comfortable using her as support as I still feel hurt and broken by her. With the relationship actually getting back on track a little, I also feel like putting my worries on her and my needs for the relationship will throw things back into chaos.

I know that is my problem and I need to get over it. But I don't know how at the moment.

I know that I love her, there is no question about that at all in my mind. I just want to feel settled and back behind the driving seat of our relationship with her. Rather than her steering us somewhere, me sitting back and supporting and feeling like I'm playing a massive game of Jenga where everything is about to fall down.


I want to feel like I have support again.... a complete relationship. Bottom line, I just want to feel safe and happy again.




Any ideas?

[Kyrina]

You wont be able to settle with this kind of relationship she was your rock and you are used to being there for each other through everything, one of the reasons your relationship grew in strength.I advise you to talk to her a real heart to heart, if this is too hard write her a letter because you dont have to face her expressions and can say all you need to say to help you both return to a normal both sided relationship , instead of you hiding stuff from her.
She is not made of glass and you cant go through everyday life without her support and neither can you be the only one giving.She is stronger then you think so give her credit for that.Yes she had it rough but didnt you both ?Adversary can either make you stronger or break you, you need to talk and help each other resolve these issues.good luck to you both.

[Andariel]

You mentioned infidelity in your post.Did she cheat on you or did you cheat on her?If she was unfaithful it is normal for you to be having these feelings. To stand a chance of ever rebuilding trust, you need to be open with her about how you feel and work through this together. Any questions you may have about the affair should be answered and you both need to decide what needs to be done from now on so that you can feel comfortable with each other again.It is important to try to figure out together what led her to cheat on you (ie. was she unhappy in your relationship and wrongly sought comforrt elsewhere etc). You may also want to consider couples therapy as having a therapist in the room helping both of you work through your issues can go a long way.