Honesty?

[sillygirlhelp]

Hi everyone

I have gotten myself in a big knot and need help.
I am with my boyfriend for 3 years and we love each other very much.
As a girlfriend, I have always promoted honesty in our relationship as
i think it is the most important thing for a relationship to work. In the past,
my boyfriend has told me several lies which damaged our trust and took a
long time to heal.
So heres the problem. We have both told each other about our pasts. He knows
about the one other person that I have slept with and that is all good. In a
conversation last night, he was telling me about how his ex cheated on him etc.
I had known about this for years however it was only last night that he revealed
that she had not had sex with the other man like he had lead me to believe and
also that they were on a break during this event.
So basically, all his disgust was at this girl giving oral to another man. My problem
is that I have, before our relationship, actually done this with another man. Now
that I know that he see this to be as serious as full on sex, I feel like I've lied to
him over it. I am so ashamed. This event happened when I was 16 and was traumatic
and so I blocked it out of my life and it all came crashing down on me this morning.
I desperately want to be honest with him but he is a very angry man and he says
that if he ever found out I lied to him, he would loose his ability to trust anyone as I
am usually such a brutally honest person.
Help, I feel I should be honest, but I am so scared that his opinion will change of me
forever.

(sorry for the long post)

[Borealis]

Sweetheart, meet reality. Black and white truths are never good. You don't need to tell him about your past. And, lies happen all the time in relationships. Deal with it, its always going to be this way. Anyone who says otherwise is an idealist that needs their head straighten.

[surfhb]

It was before him so its none of his business. He'll get angry? really? So what...fuuuck him and how he feels. Your worries run much deeper than your guilt of not telling him the truth. He sounds completely insecure

[sillygirlhelp]

I dont know if I will be able to keep it to myself. i really has been eating me up since it dawned on me.
I guess that I dont want him to have delusions about who I am. Like I want him to know the good, the
bad and the ugly.
I am hurting and to be honest, I actually don't know how i got this far in without thinking to tell him.
Sorry, I know i am being idealistic but I do feel like he had to reveal hard truths to me and that I
should now return the favour.
Thanks for replying so quickly guys.I do hope I will reach a conclusion here.

[Borealis]

This relationship is headed for a cliff dive. I can see it already. You need to mature if you need approval from someone else about a BJ back when you were 16. If I were him I'd dump you first to save the headache.

[sillygirlhelp]

... Borealis.. the issue here is honesty, not approval.
But thanks, for the confidence booster.

[surfhb]

... Borealis.. the issue here is honesty, not approval.
But thanks, for the confidence booster.

1...No...the issue is the fear you contain of telling him something that you think he will get mad over when its none of his business and has no bearing on the relationship.

2... your need to tell him this is bizarre. Let it go...it has no bearing on what is happening in your life now.

3....He has no right to be mad at you....if he get angry.....youre a fool for staying with this man

[rafterman]

OP,... What was so traumatic about giving a guy a BJ? Was that guy on a break from a relationship too?

[sillygirlhelp]

okay, thanks surfhb.

[sillygirlhelp]

rafterman, the guy in question pressured me to do it at a friends birthday where we had all been drinking (drinking is legal on private premisis from the age of 16 in my country).I said no several times but then gave in. I had never done it before and I felt disgusted with myself afterwards. I am really not one to be jumping on guys and try to keep my sexual experiences to people I trust so this really annoyed me for years. I know it was irresponsible and I put myself in that position. I know cultural differenced mean that some of you here might not think of sexual actions as such a big deal but for me, one night stands and such are out of the question.

[searock]

I don't really see the problem actually... I mean, it's not a lie, it's not like you told him "I have only slept with another man and didn't do any sort of sex with anybody else, ever", right? It's just something that you didn't say, because it was a bad memory (I take it, you said it was "traumatic") or something... So now that he told you about his ex you should tell him straight away about the oral sex, explaining to him just as you did on this thread... it's nothing so "tragic"..! Plus, I don't know how old you are now but that happened when you were 16... must be quite a while ago, right?! I don't see how something so distant and unconnected to the present could harm a healthy 3 years long relationship... I mean if you had told him that you had never given oral sex to another man than that would be lying and it could be bad, but it's not the case..!

[rafterman]

rafterman, the guy in question pressured me to do it at a friends birthday where we had all been drinking (drinking is legal on private premisis from the age of 16 in my country).I said no several times but then gave in. I had never done it before and I felt disgusted with myself afterwards. I am really not one to be jumping on guys and try to keep my sexual experiences to people I trust so this really annoyed me for years. I know it was irresponsible and I put myself in that position. I know cultural differenced mean that some of you here might not think of sexual actions as such a big deal but for me, one night stands and such are out of the question.

RE: Bold Type. I never knew that about England,that must cause some dramas?You mean at 16 you can have a party with booze at home?


Well atleast you admit to your mistake, your not the only guy/girl to have probably done silly things whilst drunk.

[Kyrina]

If its eating you inside then here's where you can find out if your guy can be understanding, if you really must tell him say you had blanked it oout because until he reminded you of it you had buried it because it made you feel less then you are tell him that you was pressured and how bad it felt for you and how much you needed to bury it dont say forgot because this trauma you dont forget you bury inside yourself.If your guy is understanding and as in love with you he will know it was against your nature and hopefully be there for you now.However this is a risk and one only you can decide.
We all take baggage into a relationship and it does come out we also learn from previous relationships what / how we will treat and want to be treated by others.

Remember this is a risk for your relationship

[sillygirlhelp]

Yeah rafterman, as long as there is a guardian in the house its acceptable.

[Ric]

That's not lying, that's just withholding information you didn't think important. And, guess what? It isn't.
There's no need for him to know unless he asks.