Looking for some hope.

[citylove]

My ex-boyfriend (I hate saying that) and I are both 19 years old. We were together for nearly 3 years, since we were juniors in high school. We've known each other since 7th grade, and neither of us have ever been with anyone else.

He broke up with me two days ago after an entire week of arguing and then another week of him shutting me out; withdrawing. He finally decided to come over to my house and talk about whatever was going on, and I knew something bad was in the works. At first, he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. He didn't come over and straight-up break up with me. We talked for a while and it ended in him pretty much explaining that he feels confused about "who he is" and he thinks he needs to break up with me so he can "find himself." Sort of cliche, but I understand. As expected, I did not take this very well. I was (and still am) very in love with him, and naturally I begged him to reconsider. I'm sure that wasn't my best course of action, but I went with my emotions. We were both sobbing when he finally left my house.

He and I have had some contact since then... I've called him crying and texted him, and we've been very sweet to each other. Today he came over for a "final talk" and to take some of his things that were left at my house. I read him a letter that I wrote, and he essentially told me that while neither of us knows what will happen and that we'll "be together if it's meant to be," I need to respect his decision and try to shift the way I think of him. He said that he cannot completely rule out the possibility of us getting back together in the future because no one knows how we'll feel in a few months, but he does not want me to get my hopes up about it. He wants me to try and take care of myself and proceed as if we are surely broken up forever. At the same time, he said that he cares for me deeply and he wants to be there for me when I need him. I've struggled with some anxiety issues, and he has been one of my biggest supporters as I've sought therapy and other methods of treatment. He is truly an amazing person and we both care for each other so much. He cried when I returned some of his things, and we gave each other a long hug. It hurt like nothing has ever hurt before.

I attend college in another town, while he attends a university in our hometown. We made it through a year of being long-distance and I feel that I've done everything I can to establish a life for myself separated from him. I even took a trip to Africa for an entire month this summer, and he is involved with many things on his own campus. We are planning to see each other next week to say goodbye before I move back to school (about 3 hours away) for the year. He has also said that it's alright for us to meet up over breaks from school and talk about whatever we might feel at the time.

Right now, I'm just confused as to what I should do. I love him very, very much, and the only thing on my brain is how to bring us back together. I've talked to so many friends, and the general consensus seems to be that the only possibility of him wanting me back is if I take care of myself and try to "let him go." I know that if he is going to miss me, I need to let him miss me and see that I am a strong, independent woman. At the same time, I'm scared that if I let him go, he will move on quickly and I will be stuck with this deep love and longing to be reunited with him. The thought of him being with someone else and realizing that he doesn't need me is so terrifying.

I'm reassured that he still wants to be a part of my life, but I'm lost as to what to do. I just want "us" back. Any advice would be greatly appreciated... I suppose I'm just looking for threads of hope that my chances for a relationship with him are not completely gone.

Thanks in advance!

[im_in_love]

You two sound like the most mature 19 year olds I've ever heard of.

Anyway, I think you're both handling this very well. Your friends and him are right, the only way for you two to get back together eventually is if you move toward the path of letting him go and being independent. You say you're scared to let him go and have him move on quickly, but if you truly do let go and try to move on, you'll be in the same position he is. You won't care if he moves onto someone else, and you'll do the same eventually. I know it seems like you never will, but you will, and cutting contact/moving on is the only way to. If you keep seeing eachother and talking to each other, it will never happen for you. He's already in the mindset that the relationship is over and he needs to move on; you're not. You need to stop talking to him and seeing him for as long as it takes you to be independent and realize and be okay with the fact that the relationship is over and will never happen again.

[Borealis]

Your friend's advice is wrong. Absolute shit. If you want him you'll pursue him. You'll want to talk about it and make a serious commitment. However, if you want to be happy for yourself, and that includes your career more than the family you'll have with him or life in the future, then pursuing your own life and adventures is your best bet.

[searock]

Your friend's advice is wrong. Absolute shit. If you want him you'll pursue him. You'll want to talk about it and make a serious commitment. However, if you want to be happy for yourself, and that includes your career more than the family you'll have with him or life in the future, then pursuing your own life and adventures is your best bet.

Ugh, I don't think so. If he wants and needs to be by himself, and he does seem quite firm on this point, if she kept pestering him then he would back off even more I think.

To the OP: reading the words he told you when breaking up with you had me nodding all the time because they were almost the exact same words I told my boyfriend when I broke up with him, after over 2 years of relationship. And he was (perhaps is, it's been 3 months) still in love with me and everything, like you with your ex. He is doing what your friends have advised you to do, which is try to move on and be as independent and strong on his own as he can. We promised to each other that we would not disappear from each other's life, but at the same time he said he needed time to gather himself up before he could start talking to me as a friend again. I don't rule out the possibility of ever being together with him again, but it's really not up in my list of priorities right now. Just so you know, he seems really not willing to go back to that part of his life right now. You should do as your friends say, you're so young and the possibilities are infinite, move on and try not to lose him as one of the best friends you could ever have by trying all you can to "get him back". I'm sure you know this already, you know him very well of course so you know that it wouldn't really work out that way. Good luck in finding your own "path" !

[Kyrina]

I say see where life leads you, you have been together a long time nd now he wants other avenues and who can say you wont want them in a month, im sure you have had other interests from guys and have slammed the lid on them fast because you are loyal to your man, but now hun its time for you to see a bit of life and enjoy as much as you can dont think on him too much if you can. If you are meant to be then you will be.I recently met a guy i was friends with 15 years ago and he's very into me so he says (jeeesh that was bad way to say it )but im recently free and not interested but im not slamming the lid either friends stay friends by all means if you can but if life doesnt want it then you will eventually lose contact
Hurts like a bitch now hun but see some life and enjoy it you never know what happens