girlfriend likes someone else

[arnold86]

hey all. have been with my girlfriend for nearly 5 years (half of that was at uni) and things have generally been very good, we broke up once for about a month as both of us felt we were having problems but got back together agreeing that it was the first time we had encountered problems (things were really that good for ages) and we just didnt really know how to deal with them. at the time one of the reasons was that she had a pretty strong crush on another guy.

since then (2 1/2 years) things have been great we went travelling for half a year and everything was great literally no problems, we have been long distance since leaving uni for multiple reasons and still are (100ish miles). we have been very serious about each other and she has always been a bit keener in terms of looking far into the future - this is not to say that i am not committed, i really am - but when i saw her last weekend she told me after a night out that she is feeling awful about us. she said that she now would rather live with her friends (she moved out earlier this year) than with me and shes not really interested in moving nearer to me (i have spent a year unsuccessfully trying to find suitable work near her). basically she said that things dont feel the same anymore and shes not as excited to see me now. one of her friends let slip that she has a massive crush on one of her work mates but when i asked her about it she said that it was nothing to do with another person, just that she is 'confused'.

We have spoken every night since then and she says the same thing over; she is confused, doesnt know what to do, doesnt feel that things are right etc etc. I have told her that i will do everything to work at it, i have been in other long term relationships before but they have never been anything like this one. I think what is so upsetting is that a couple of months ago everything was great and now so suddenly she is funny about it all. part of me thinks that im just fighting a losing battle but i will literally do anything to make this work i am absolutely crazy about her. because she wont talk to me about her supposed feelings for this other guy i cant find out exactly how she feels - if its just a crush or whatever - but considering the last time she had strong feelings for someone else our relationship went through the same process i am expecting the worst.

should i see it out and do all i can, should i say to her she has to commit to me properly or its over, should i dump her and say that if shes serious still to contact me?

any advice would be greatly appreciated! sorry for the long post i feel awful!

[arnold86]

to add to this, what is hard is that i know if we break up i will lose my best friend. we were great friends before we got together and she has been my closest friend pretty much since i have known her. i honestly dont think there is any way that i could remain friends with her if we broke up it would break my heart every time i saw her and i really dont want to lose her as a friend as well.

[Vanessa]

If I were you I'd break up with her 'cause it seems like a break up is imminent anyway. It's not your job to convince her to stay in a relationship if she doesn't want it or doesn't feel the way she did anymore etc. Of course you won't be able to stay friends after the break up, but as I see things, she's not happy and doesn't wanna go on, you're becoming miserable because of her attitude, why keep holding on to that?

[arnold86]

because im so crazy about her. im really struggling with this one she means everything to me in ways that no one else has ever come close

[Dank]

I mean focus your attention on something else you'll be better of long term. If she develops feeling for someone else don't hang on around you'll find someone better

[jcole99]

Walk Away....if so you are just setting yourself up to be hurt. She can either not let this happen and try to fix things (good for you) or she can let you go cuz she wants to see this guy at work, if she isn't already (also good for you, better to walk away and be sad than to hang on too long and get hurt) .

[TillyParker]

Just wrote a very long reply but it didn't seem to post... I just got a shock reading your post as apart from a few minor details I went though this exact same thing with my now (unfortunately) ex boyfriend. I hated having a long distance relationship and always wanted to move closer to him, he was a little resistant at first as it would have been a big commitment, however in the end came round. I was so happy originally bit then as the months drew closer to moving I had a sudden case of the commit-aphobics and started panicking about losing my independence that I had got used to when we were only see each other once every 1/2 weeks. In the end I started feeling confused as I also had a very close friendship with a guy and even though I didn't feel anything for him it was still him who was around to give me a hug if I was down or help me out with manly tasks. In the end through one thing and another things just weren't the same between us and we split up. I really hope things don't end this way for you! Hopfully she may just be going through a phase, try not to pressure her, (even though I am sure you will be needing reassurance) but don't take too much of a step back and allow this friend to swoop in. I hope it works out for you! X

[Cerby]

Lots of newbies putting in their 2 cents, good to see.

OP, The writing is on the wall here. All the junk about not being excited to see you and not wanting to move closer or live with you are all huge signs that this is coming to an end. I remember I dated a girl for 3 years, we lived together briefly, but then she had to move back home to save money for school. When it came time for her to move back with me I realized I didn't want that anymore, and ended the relationship shortly after.

If you don't end it with her, she will end it with you. Personally, I'd rather be the person swinging the bat instead of being the one getting hit.

[arnold86]

thanks for all of the help and advice people, we are meeting up next weekend so that gives us a week and a bit to let things settle a bit more. I will be going down prepared to call it off myself is she is not going to commit to me/improving things.

[IncognitoSir]

History repeats itself. Learn from the past. THIS has everything to do with the new guy she's crushing on. Don't be fooled by the lies. She has a crush on a guy who lives close to her which in turn pushes you out of the picture. It's time to move on. She prepping you for a heart break. Step up, and walk away from her. Let her go figure out what she wants while you get over her. I know your mind is clouded with doubt and fear now. Losing a best friend that's a girlfriend is really tough, I've been their myself, but life goes on and indeed gets better. Make the best decision for yourself because this relationship is nearing its end.

[devonbrown]

If you are both just out of uni, then you are both just starting off in your lives. Whether it is another guy she is interested in or not, she might just be seeing that she wants to figure herself out before she settles down with anyone. And, IMO, that is what you should be doing as well. People change, and it is possible that the two of you have just grown apart.

I understand you not wanting to admit to that because of how much you care about her, but don't let your fear of being alone get in the way of your and her natural development in your lives.

Good luck.