Getting to know women you barely know (building rapport)

[surfhb]

- hand slapping forehead -

[Wakeup]

Op: You are totally incapable of making any kind of spontanious move whatsoever. Are you developmentally impaired? Socially handicapped in some way or are you just a TROLL.

[Evo1114]

I am not going to read the entire thread...I'm sure some of this stuff has already been attempted to be taken care of...but...

1) Rather than asking for *her* phone number, why don't you just give *her* yours? This would solve the issue if she were working. If she doesn't call, then on to the next one you go. Also it would eliminate any discomfort if she wasn't into you. You don't have to hide your interest in her. She will probably think 'this guy is interested in me, cool...yay for my self-esteem!!!' rather than 'what kind of scheme is that guy pulling? What a no-good rotten pick-up artist!' It's not like she is going to yell at you for finding her interesting and attractive.

2) Rather than coming up with something so specific "We can go to the coffee shop...you can get coffee and I will get something else...then we can talk about this, you can say this, I can respond with this...blah, blah, blah" How about 'Here is my number, if you'd like to hang out and chat some more sometime, give me a call!" Let her decide what to do if you can't think of anything. If she wants to walk around, and shop for her feminine products, who cares if you don't like it? The key goal here is to spend more time with the girl. I do agree with you...I'd feel weird if I said 'let's get coffee' and then told her while sitting there that I didn't like coffee. She'd probably wonder why the hell you suggested something that didn't appeal to you. Talk to her on the phone first, find out what she is interested in, she'll find what you are interested in and you will find something to do! Guaranteed!

Don't overthink it, geez!

[richardwordoff]

Evo1114:

1) Well, some women actually seem to act annoyed that they get hit on. Personally I think that is a really bitchy attitude to have, but apparently it happens to some so often it does get annoying. Just a while ago I was reading something where a woman was saying she hated it when guys tried to talk to her at the gym. Maybe she is just weird, who knows. Anyway, yeah, I have ended up giving a girl my phone number before a few times. Hasn't worked yet, but I guess I can try it again if I get another opportunity.

2) Dear god, thank you. This is probably the best suggestion I've heard. "If she wants to walk around, and shop for her feminine products, who cares if you don't like it?" I know this is an exaggerated example and everything, but aren't there certain activities you should not do to avoid coming off as a wuss/pushover?

I meet women at the gym, in class, at the grocery store, at restaurants and can start a conversation with them but can't ever get them to agree on dates or even just simple casual things like lunch. It's like they won't even give me a chance unless I already know them fairly well. However, how the heck am I supposed to get to know them well enough for them to be comfortable with me if I meet them at one of those places (other than class). There is no guarantee I will ever see them again if I meet them at the gym, etc. Also, university courses aren't great places to meet people anyway, you aren't even supposed to talk during them! Are you going to try to bump into a girl before or after class all the time?

There was one cashier who I actually talked to like 10 or 15 times a couple years ago and she was friendly with me and everything and right when I decided I was going to ask her she had quit the job. Saw her probably 6 months or more later and at a restaurant working and she was still friendly and somehow ended up telling me she was married. So, this year I only waited 5 times before asking out this cashier I thought was attractive. She acted startled like I was a complete stranger that had never talked to her before! What was I supposed to do, try and talk to her 5 more times before that would have been ok? I only see her once every 2 weeks or so! It is all a catch 22. They want to know you before they feel comfortable going out, even for something simple like lunch, but the whole point of doing something simple like lunch is to get to know them!

I don't meet girls anywhere else. Most of my classes are technology related and there may be one attractive girl in a class about every 2 or 3 classes or so. I live off campus and I'm actually old enough to have graduated by now if I had done the 4 year plan. So now half the girls I meet in college are out of my age range (I can't find girls more than 2 years younger than me attractive due to my sister being about that age). Plus, I'm not a partyer and even if I was, I'm apparently out of the loop because I never hear about any of them. None of my hobbies are conducive to meeting girls (why I'm talking about trying to meet them in normal places). I don't have time to join clubs and my job isn't the best place to meet girls. Any girls that do come in are there to do homework or study (study hall). I don't have to join a frat and frankly I wouldn't because I can't stand those type of people generally.

I am so pissed off I don't know what to do.

[IndiReloaded]

For example, nobody ever answered how asking a girl to have coffee/tea/alcohol with you when you don't drink those drinks is supposed to work. Are you going to sit there and gag on a nasty drink while trying to be cool talking to her? Or are you going to sit there like a chump and say "Oh, well I don't really drink coffee/tea/alcohol, but I invited you to have one because I couldn't think about anything else."?

Take her to an oxygen bar. I'm pretty sure you breathe oxygen.

Anything else? You seem rather set in your ways. This is going to be more of a problem for you than asking a girl on a date, I think. If you can't find a way to flex your thinking you'll be dumped faster than last months garbage.

[richardwordoff]

IndiReloaded: You're right, that probably is a problem. If I have to do a whole bunch of activities I dislike just to be around a girl I may happen to like doesn't that almost defeat the purpose? I'm not talking about refusing to try out new things, I'm talking about activities that I for sure cannot stand (hiking, leisurely walks, shopping, etc.)

[Evo1114]

Evo1114:

1) Well, some women actually seem to act annoyed that they get hit on. Personally I think that is a really bitchy attitude to have, but apparently it happens to some so often it does get annoying. Anyway, yeah, I have ended up giving a girl my phone number before a few times. Hasn't worked yet, but I guess I can try it again if I get another opportunity.

2) Dear god, thank you. This is probably the best suggestion I've heard. "If she wants to walk around, and shop for her feminine products, who cares if you don't like it?" I know this is an exaggerated example and everything, but aren't there certain activities you should not do to avoid coming off as a wuss/pushover?

1) Yep. It isn't always going to work. In fact, it probably will not work more often than not. It is preferred to ask for her number, but I agree, it is a little uncomfortable for somebody whose job is to be friendly/make you feel comfortable.

2) Nope, can't think of anything. Just see what she is interested in. Not all her interests are going to be things you think are crap..some of which you might want to try if you haven't. I have a lot of interests that are widely considered to be 'wussy'. Gardening, classical music, theater, even ballet. I have never got a reaction of 'oh my god! You are such a wuss! Get away from me!' I would tell them 'I'm cultured' if I ever felt like I was being given a strange look. If you are with somebody for a long time, you are definitely, 100%, always going to do something you don't like and the same goes for her. However, I should say, I've never done anything too outlandish on a first date. If it is up to me, I normally stick to the old-tried-and-true...lunch, movie, dinner, concert, and/or drinks...and then back to her place, onto her couch, and eventually into her bed. It all depends where you live too. I have very little options where I live, but if you live in or even closer to a metropolitan area, you've got it made.

[surfhb]

Wow! Just Wow!!

[Evo1114]

IndiReloaded: You're right, that probably is a problem. If I have to do a whole bunch of activities I dislike just to be around a girl I may happen to like doesn't that almost defeat the purpose? I'm not talking about refusing to try out new things, I'm talking about activities that I for sure cannot stand (hiking, leisurely walks, shopping, etc.)

Shopping blows...though certain places can be pretty cool...like antique stores. I HATE MALLS. Worst places on earth, so when I get stuck going to a mall, it is hard at first to hide my discontent. As long as she is somewhat conscious to the world around her and is still communicating with you, you can still make it fun by ripping on all the losers that are walking around the mall. I normally wind up rambling on and on about what we're doing AFTER the mall to try and get them out of their trance. But if you stick it out....brownie points!!

[richardwordoff]

I live in a college town, but like I've said, I don't seem to be able to meet girls and stay in contact long enough for them to be comfortable with me (or maybe they just aren't attracted to begin with, who knows. It would be interesting to find out for sure.) I don't know if you say this part of not since I added it later (the big block of text below #1 and #2)

[Dank]

You might as well knock on random doors if you can't deal with a coffee scenario.

[surfhb]

You might as well knock on random doors if you can't deal with a coffee scenario.

Lol....that's actually great advice for this guy!

[richardwordoff]

Dank: a user just a few posts up agreed with me that asking to have coffee and then saying you didn't like it would make you look like a fool.

surfhb: It is quite obvious I don't have any experience with this, you don't have to beat it into the ground. I have a suggestion: quit posting here because you're doing nothing but pissing me off.

[surfhb]

Dank: a user just a few posts up agreed with me that asking to have coffee and then saying you didn't like it would make you look like a fool.

surfhb: It is quite obvious I don't have any experience with this, you don't have to beat it into the ground. I have a suggestion: quit posting here because you're doing nothing but pissing me off.

Good! Im glad to piss you off. Maybe you'll learn something from all the great advice weve given you.

Also, university courses aren't great places to meet people anyway, you aren't even supposed to talk during them! Are you going to try to bump into a girl before or after class all the time?

Great! Here's another gem of yours! Why would you think a class full of beautiful women would have no interest in maybe finding a study partner, for example? Dude.....you automatically have something in common with every girl in each one of your classes....every sememster! Youre missing the obvious here and chicks are picking up on this when you talk to them. Thats why you cant find a girl.

[Wakeup]

a user just a few posts up agreed with me that asking to have coffee and then saying you didn't like it would make you look like a fool.

You took him too literally, ffs. You can ask her to a coffee shop.. Like "Lets meet at Starbucks" and you could order an ice tea or a juice. duh.

Take her to your troll bridge and spend the day quizzing people before you let them pass over.