Why is my ex acting like this?

[swimmer4life]

This is my first time on a forum, so hopefully someone can help me out.

My girlfriend of nearly a year dumped me at the beginning of the summer, after she found out that i was texting another girl i met down the shore (I never actually did anything with the other girl). Our relationship was great, so obviously she was extremely hurt when she found out the news. I did everything i could to say i was sorry and try to get her to forgive me. I wrote her, her parents and her older brother an appology letter saying how sorry i was and how I'm really not a bad kid at heart. Eventually she asked me for space, so i had no other choice but to give it to her. About a week after our breakup she started hanging out with another guy and has been "together" with him throughout the summer. To my luck, the kid and i work at the same place -___-. Anyway, the kid she's been hanging with smokes cigarettes and weed, and i found out that my ex has been smoking weed with him, something she totally despised while we were dating. She's told me that she's become a stronger person since our breakup and has been having a lot of fun. But i don't see how you can be saying ur stronger and at the same time be getting high, something she used to hate. I also found out recently that she hooked up with this kid down the shore while she was drunk at prom weekend, while we were still dating. Lastly, i sent her a homemade birthday card (something we would make for eachother on holidays and anniversarys and stuff). This was a few weeks after our breakup and i got a text the next day from her thanking me for the card and asking me if we can get together before we go away to college.

At the beginning of our breakup i wanted her back so bad and would do anything to have her, but now after hearing how much she's changed and doing things she would've never done before our breakup, i almost don't know if i want to see her before i move away to college. Of course i still love her so it's becoming a more and more difficult decision to make. So i guess my main question is why is my ex acting like this and having such self destructive behavior after our breakup? She's gone from being this quiet, innocent and loving girl into this almost polar opposite person. I really do love her and I'm starting to get worried about her. If anyone has any idea whats going on please help!

[tremolo]

She is perhaps acting self-destructive to numb the pain you caused her.

Face up to it - if you really loved her, you wouldn't have been carrying on with some other girl. Stop acting like she owes you anything now that she's dumped you for something *you* did. If I were her, I would've broken up with you too.

[Wakeup]

Ahh, Don't be so hard on him, Trem. I'm thinking she was just looking for an excuse and he gave it to her. Afterall, she

hooked up with this kid down the shore while she was drunk at prom weekend, while we were still dating.

Op: I think you simply outgrew one another and neither of you had the ballzz to tell each other outright.

Don't meet up with her it will just make you both all meloncholy and sad going off to college where you'll be glad you're single. Going No Contact will help you to cleanse any risidual feelings you may have for her.

Cheers.

[swimmer4life]

But why do you think she wants to meet up with me? could she still have feelings for me and thats why?

[smackie9]

Ya she just got a different view of life and its time for her to experience it more. Maybe she was looking for an out like the others said, who knows. She still is fond of you but its done dude. Just a little reunion before she moves onto a new chapter in her life I'm guessing. Hell there is no point in being in a committed relationship if yer going off to college anyways....damn you want to be single...dude there will be good time to be had by the both of you.

[HeartIsAching]

But why do you think she wants to meet up with me? could she still have feelings for me and thats why?

Either she want to rub it in and make you feel bad, or she wants to make herself feel better by trying to smooth down your ruffled feathers. I'm guessing the latter.

I think it's a mistake to meet. Just call her and say "No thanks."

Wakeup's right - you're going to be glad you're single when you get to college.

[swimmer4life]

So i guess the best thing to do is not meet with her, even if she asks. I made her sort of a going away gift (a shoe box filled with some gifts and memories from our relationship). Should i still give it to her or just not give her anything? i feel like i want to give her something to remember me by

[tremolo]

I may be in the minority on this one, but I don't think you should give her anything. If you must, get her a going away gift - something which has nothing to do with your previous relationship.

I would either be really annoyed or pissed off - depending who dumped who - if a former boyfriend tried to give me a box of mementos from something that had ended badly.

[swimmer4life]

Even though it ended badly tremolo, i've literally done everything i could to prove how sorry i was. like i said i wrote her, her parents and her brother an appology letter, i started to go to counseling, ive appologized to all her friends, things like that.

I can see where your coming from saying that a gift from a relationship that ended badly could upset her, but if she is the one that wants to meet up one last time and may be looking for some closure, i feel like the gift could be a good way to say goodbye and something to prove to her that i will always be there for her.

U may still disagree, but ive never been in a situation like this before and i will never do what i did again. Im young and i dont know much about this stuff so im just going with my gut at this point.

[tremolo]

Contrary to my initial impression, you seem like a nice guy, swimmer. And it sounds like you may both have acted badly in the relationship. If your feeling is that your ex would appreciate post-breakup gifts from you, then give away. I only suggested you may not want to because I had an ex who gave me parting gifts after he broke up with me. He still loved me and wanted to put a nice finish on the whole affair. He offered me a bag of things he'd bought for me over the course of our relationship, and I told him he could do whatever he wanted with them - that I had no want or need of them. Then he gave me a ring that belonged to him, and I mustered up enough grace to accept the ring and some horrible poetry he wrote me, which I promptly trashed when I was out of his range of vision.

My point is: giving gifts to someone you're no longer with may well open you up to more pain from your ex if she's not keen on receiving them. But if you're certain she'd accept them kindly, then have at it...

[swimmer4life]

Thanks trem. ive taken this whole situation and turned it into a learning experience. Im sorry for how things ended for me and my ex but im proud of the person that ive become after the breakup. Ive made nothing but positive improvements and it seems that my friends, her friends and people all together are noticing how sorry i am and that im really a good guy at heart. of course im not the best person in the world, and thats partly why i got myself into this whole situation, but im a firm believer in that what you do after the breakup tells the most about you, and i can only hope that my ex sees that at some point, whenever that may be. Ive still got some thinking to do about meeting up with her and giving her the gift but for the most part i feel like it would be a good idea

[smackie9]

So i guess the best thing to do is not meet with her, even if she asks. I made her sort of a going away gift (a shoe box filled with some gifts and memories from our relationship). Should i still give it to her or just not give her anything? i feel like i want to give her something to remember me by

I agree with Trem, the gift thing is NOT a good idea. The relationship is over, there is no need to rub her face in it....all that work you have put into it will just go into the trash. Let go move on.

[Wakeup]

So i guess the best thing to do is not meet with her, even if she asks. I made her sort of a going away gift (a shoe box filled with some gifts and memories from our relationship). Should i still give it to her or just not give her anything? i feel like i want to give her something to remember me by

Sorry, that's pretty much the most manipulative thing I think I've heard on this forum so far. You are indeed the typical "nice guy." You want to give her that gift because it makes YOU feel good and because you hope it will guilt her into something positive in your favor.

Leave her be. If she calls you to meet then meet her and be neutral. If she wants anything further in a romantic sense let her ask you back. Then you'll know and be 100% sure of her intentions

but im a firm believer in that what you do after the breakup tells the most about you,

Yes, then I suggest you don't try to manipulate outcomes with gifts from a failed union.

[tremolo]

Sorry, that's pretty much the most manipulative thing I think I've heard on this forum so far. You are indeed the typical "nice guy." You want to give her that gift because it makes YOU feel good and because you hope it will guilt her into something positive in your favor.

This pretty much hits the nail on the head. The ex I referred to in my last post was exactly that "nice guy" - a nice guy who was horrible to me during our breakup, and then wanted to redeem himself in my eyes, my parents' eyes, and undoubtedly, above all, his own eyes. I refused to give him a chance to do that. I shut him down every single time he tried.

Believe me, you don't want to be that guy, because your ex will see right through it, and she will not respect you for it. It will also make you look like more of an ass - the very opposite of what you intend. Unless you desperately want to get back together with her, don't do any of that, because there is nothing more manipulative than giving a gift like that to someone you no longer want. What if, for instance, you give her your gift and she melts and throws herself at you, and you realize you don't want her after all? How much more of a dick are you going to look at that point?

[swimmer4life]

But i do want her. maybe not now obviously because we're both going to college but if the whole idea of her wanting to get together one last time before we split ways means she wants to end things on a good note, i feel like giving her the gift is a good idea. Im not trying to manipulate her at all, i care about her and i love her. Yes its been tough to hear people say shes smoking weed and having self destructive behavior, but knowing her i feel like shes using it as an escape to her pain. In giving her the gift im hoping to send her the message that im here for her, i care about her and i love her. Im not trying to manipulate her into wanting me back, just leaving my true feelings out there and let her decide what she wants.