Do you think this guy was a player?

[WouldLikeToKnow]

Yes, I know, when we women get dumped maybe we like to think we got 'played', but I'm curious what others think.

Ok, so I met this guy very randomly (I won't go into details). We seemed to hit it off right from the go. I was not thinking anything beyond 'I'd like to be friends with him' on first meeting and was very suspicious when he started talking about love at first sight, among other things. He also tried to make a move on me that first time, although nothing happened because I didn't let it (I had a boyfriend at the time and I told him that within first few minutes of meeting). However, after that first meeting I found I could not stop thinking about him, was inexplicably drawn. This led me to contact him (we had exchanged numbers but he said he wouldn't call cos I had a boyfriend). Anyways, we met up, I realised that I had a very strong attraction to him and it went from there. It was almost as if some other force possessed me as far as this guy was concerned as I am normally a very loyal, faithful type. However, my long-term relationship was on its way out and I guess I knew this (another story). This guy pushed for sex very quickly (the second time we met) and basically seduced me. He didn't see too bothered about the fact that I had a boyfriend (looking back I just wonder if it made me more of a challenge). After the first time, I felt awful and almost told him we couldn't see each other again, or only as friends, but he made it pretty clear that he wouldn't be seeing me unless sex was involved.

Looking back I should have told him where to go at that point but I think I was already hooked on him and was just gonna go along with anything he said rather than not see him. I can't explain this, it was like I had no common sense in the situation. Again, I'm not normally that stupid. I ended up seeing him for what was a very confusing, but exciting few months. I say confusing because not only did I have to deal with breaking up with my boyfriend but I never really knew where I stood with this guy. I mean, every time I saw him I'd 'play it cool' by not texting immediately, not wanting to look like the clingy woman. It was nearly always him who texted me first, often telling me how good the sex was between us. I enjoyed this because my bf had not been interested in me sexually for a long time and never was very adventurous (whereas I am and I think respond well to a guy who is). In the beginning this guy told me he couldn't promise me anything and also said that he didn't want a girlfriend. I was ok with that initially because I was just coming out of a long-term relationship and didn't want anything serious. Where I got confused is because he was texting me sweet nothings, then sometimes implying he wanted to me with me, hint at possible futures (mentions of marriage, moving in and living abroad together). Then on the other hand he would not really make proper time for me. He once told me he was in love with me but then the next time I saw him implied he was single. All of this erratic behaviour drove me half crazy. I should have asked him where I stood really but I didn't want to come off as pushy and just tried to go with the flow. Big mistake cos I just wound myself up over-analysing everything.

Well, after all that wooing he then suddenly didn't want to see me (he'd practically been begging me to come round sometimes) and didn't call for a couple of weeks. Needless to say, I got very upset about it. I couldn't believe he was treating me like that after we'd been getting closer and he'd also told me that he was happy with the way things were between us. I knew he had a few things going on in his life, but then so did I, like ex-boyfriend sitution which needed sorting out. After crappy relationship with the ex I wasn't really in a mood for putting up with more crap again. Anyways, I pushed this guy for an answer in the end and it turns out 'he tried to fall in love me me but couldn't force himself', among other half-arsed excuses, none of which seemed to make any sense and there were solutions anyway. Annoying thing was that I never even mentioned anything about love, it was only him who brought that subject up, though I admit I was probably falling for him and very infatuated. I've never felt such strong chemistry before.

I was prepared to stay friends with this guy (yeah, stupid I know) but we had a lot in common and I'm not really one to bear a grudge for very long or burn my bridges with people. Well, he just won't talk to me now, which I find hurtful. It's not like we had a blazing row at the end, it was very civil and calm, even if I forced the situation a bit. I do have a hard time getting over this because I can't understand how someone can go from being so full on to ignoring you within a matter of weeks.

Played or just regular guy who doens't seem to know what he wants?

[Rawr]

I think you're attracted to him because of his personality, he's unpredictable and it gets you going. You love the thrill of unknowing. You had fun while it lasted, and then you're back to your old self, and you began dissecting and analyzing everything, I can totally relate lol. This is what we do as women. This I realized sometimes can be a self sabotage. I think you should just get a rebound and enjoy yourself, and if you can't do it for whatever reason, it might be best to distract yourself with other things. He's not into you and remember what matters is what he does and not what he said.

[WouldLikeToKnow]

Yes, I know what you mean! Don't worry, I will be looking for actions not words in the future. When I look back, he never actually did anything for me or made any real efforts, just sent a few erotic/sweet texts, made the odd phonecall, threw in some flattery but pretty much treated me like a booty call. Not much effort required in that. I was the one running round like a headless chicken. When will I learn? Hmn, think I may have this time... by getting burned.

[Wakeup]

However, after that first meeting I found I could not stop thinking about him, was inexplicably drawn. This led me to contact him (we had exchanged numbers but he said he wouldn't call cos I had a boyfriend). Anyways, we met up, I realised that I had a very strong attraction to him and it went from there.

No one played you, you ****ed with your own self and you got burned by someone who isn't as naive and lacking in self-worth as yourself.

In the beginning this guy told me he couldn't promise me anything and also said that he didn't want a girlfriend.

I suggest you listen when someone tells you that. It means he'll **** you but you're not someone he'd want to have a relationship with. Next guy who says that to you tell him "see ya" or this same thing will happen to you again.

Wisen up or you'll be going through this often. You might want to try getting rid of one, before hooking up with another as well.

Well, he just won't talk to me now, which I find hurtful.

Consider it a blessing because its highly likely that if he kept talking to you, he'd be screwing you while not giving two shits about you due to you being unable to discern sex from lust and you'd be even more hurt when he finially brushed his hands of you.

I wish you better dating strategies for next time.

*Oh yea. In future pay attention to a guy's actions and not as much to his words, particularily when what he's saying isn't matching up with his actions or how he values you. (he showed you several times that he had little to no real value for you... don't give yourself to anyone, in anyway that doesn't value you).

Well, after all that wooing he then suddenly didn't want to see me

What "wooing?" words are not "wooing." Sex is not "wooing." Wanting to be with you, doing fun things with you, introducing you to friends and family, keeping in steady contact with you ... IS WOOING.

[Rawr]

We do that all the time, but hopefully we learn from it.

[Wakeup]

If you do it "all the time" then you've hardly learned anything.

[Rawr]

It's hard to break a pattern.

[Wakeup]

You either break it or you suffer the same shit over and over again.

"Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity." Albert Einstein.

[Rawr]

So true. Maybe you're so used to it, you just don't know what to do and where to go.

[WouldLikeToKnow]

Wow WakeUp, you're harsh, even if you say you don't tell us what we'd like to hear. I admit, I was naive, but I've been out of the whole dating thing a long time and to be honest, I've never encountered this kind of behaviour from a guy, not to that extent. I am someone who generally likes to give people the benefit of the doubt but I guess I was just bowled over with infatuation. Yep, I agree that I should have finished with my boyfriend first but I nonetheless ended things very quickly with him once I got involved with the other one. Sometimes it's hard to admit something long-term is not working any more. I agree it's not the best way to go about things but if we all knew how to do stuff perfectly in relationships then none of us would ever get hurt. I don't think you should assume I'm someone with no self esteem. I guess I just jumped in with my heart open and my eyes closed. I know I was naive, but haven't we all done stupid things when infatuated?

[Rawr]

@WouldLikeToKnow: This benefit of the doubt, this always forgiving, they trap you in this situation. You wanted to change, you think you're the exception. I know, I've done stupid things myself. You just have a big heart and this is spotted from miles away by smart dbags, who know how to use and what to say. It's over and done, nothing is broken, right? So cry tonight and move on tomorrow. I wish I could do the same. But I hope you do a better job than me.

[Jenswaiting]

Yes he was a player, however I think you let him play you. This is evident by your comment:
"This guy pushed for sex very quickly (the second time we met) and basically seduced me. He didn't see too bothered about the fact that I had a boyfriend (looking back I just wonder if it made me more of a challenge). After the first time, I felt awful and almost told him we couldn't see each other again, or only as friends, but he made it pretty clear that he wouldn't be seeing me unless sex was involved. "

He showed you no respect from the very beginning. Judge by actions, not words.



******


Rawr - It's only hard to break a pattern if you don't see it. Here is a parable I think that suits this:

On the first day... a man walks down a street...
Suddenly the world goes dark. He thinks he is lost.
Then he realizes he is in a deep hole. He tries to find his way out, and it takes a very long time. Once he is out the day is gone ... so he walks back home.

On the second day... the man walks down the same street.
The world goes dark again. He is in the hole again.
He takes a while to recognize where he is. Eventually he finds his way out... and so again he walks back home.

On the third day... the man again walks down the street.
He knows the hole is there and pretends not to see the hole... and closes his eyes.
Once again he falls into the hole, and climbs out ... and walks back home, the day lost once again.

On the fourth day... the man walks cautiously down the street.
He sees the hole and this time walks around it. He is pleased.
But the world goes dark again. He has fallen into another hole.
He climbs out of the second hole, walks home ... and alas... falls into the first hole. He gets out of the first hole... and walks back home... to think.

On the fifth day... the man walks confidently down the street.
He sees the first hole..... and recognizes it.
He walks around it... but forgets the second hole, which he walks directly into. He gets out immediately... and walks straight back home - to weep and hope.

On the sixth day... the man walks nervously down the street...The hole is there and he thinks "I won't fall into the hole again"... and walks around the hole. He sees the second hole, avoids the second hole... but as he passes, he loses his balance... and falls in. Climbing out he walks back home ... taking the time to carefully avoid all the holes. On the seventh day... the same man goes for a walk....

... and chooses to walk down a different street.

[WouldLikeToKnow]

Yep, I was dumb for sure. He even used the line 'I don't just wanna be someone you f**k', as if I was the one using him! I'm always too kind, too nice, too early on. My ex took advantage of this trait of mine and then I go and to exactly the same thing with someone else. Being too nice, too soon. It's sad that you can't just be your natural self but I guess I've learned that I need to put a few barriers up. Fortunately in my case, I have managed to learn from it and weeded out quite a few sleazebags in the meantime. It's a harsh lesson to learn but I guess I'm a bit wiser.

[WouldLikeToKnow]

Jenswaiting. Yes, I agree there was an element of allowing him to play me. I think I got suckered in by all the talk because he was showing me attention, offering possibility of excitement and sexual adventure. All things my bf was not doing. I guess this made me vulnerable and easy prey. I think I knew the state of things at the beginning, I just got emotionally involved, which I shouldn't have. Yes, I have learned my lesson the hard way.

[Rawr]

@Jenswaiting: Thank you!