I've Ruined My Life With A German and a French Man

[RebeccaOverseas]

I was, until last September, the perfect wife. I had given up my extremely successful career to follow my husband S (who is French) to Singapore for his job. I watched him flourish in his career while I stayed home and cleaned the house. He wasn't ready to have children so I spent lots of time playing with my cats. I traveled with him on lots of his business trips around Asia, but he was always working and I was always ignored and lonely. Sometimes he would be a little rough with me. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't unhappy enough to leave.

Last September, almost a year ago, my husband called me from China to tell me that "I needed to pack my shit up and leave." We had been married 5 years at that point and there was no indication that this was coming. Sure, we fought, but who doesn't? Sure, he was a bit abusive, but everyone that I've ever loved has been. I'll admit it, I was suicidal for about 45 seconds. Then, I snapped out of it and emailed my ex-boyfriend, M.

M was always my "one that got away". I met him when I was 22 (10 years ago), when we were students in Paris, and he comforted me after I broke off an engagement with a Turkish boy that was physically abusive. M was everything you could ever want in a boy. He was tall, blond, blue-eyed, SO smart, as good looking as me, and with the most beautiful accent you have ever heard. He was the perfect German. I met him right as I was graduating university and even though I took a job elsewhere in Europe that fall, I kept thinking about him. I flew back to visit him in Paris one weekend and realized that I wanted to be where he was, so I gave up a great job to come back to Paris and work illegally as a nanny. I lived in the most disgusting little room and had no money, but I had him and that was more than enough.

I got pregnant, but didn't know it until I had a miscarriage. It was such an awful experience that I blocked out the memory for almost a decade. Obviously it was M's. I just ignored what had happened, never told him, and kept seeing him. Everything was fine.

In May, he told me that he was going to go to Africa for the summer. Then he just left me there in Paris, just went. I found myself alone in a city that I had returned to expressly for him. So, I flew home to Tennessee, got a real job and moved on with my life. I got married 2 years later to S, who is currently my husband.

M and I had stayed in contact through the years. After I left Paris we didn't talk for 2 years, but then we would send friendly emails to each other and talk about how wonderful our partners were. Very innocent. But as time passed, and as he broke off his engagement and I decided I was unhappy in my marriage (3 years into my marriage), the emails became less innocent. So I stopped talking to him.

But, after my husband called me from China, M was once again in my life. He said I could come stay with him. He was always there to listen to me. He was kind. So, I bought an airplane ticket to visit him...twice. Yet each time, I had something else holding me up and I didn't go. We just kept emailing each other all last fall. I was so happy each time I talked to him.

I finally went to his house in Germany last January, but after one perfect evening he acted really freaked out that I was there, and I left after 3 days rather than try to figure out why he was falling apart. Everyone in his family knew that I was coming to see him, he put me on his car insurance and I humiliated him by leaving so quickly. I tried to work it out with my husband, S, but I just couldn't get M out of my head. And I still can't.

I have spent the last 8 months of my life feeling like I am dying every day. I'm separated from S (but we've been separated several times this year, already, never for very long) and this time I want to go through with it and file for divorce. I want M back SO BADLY that I could cry and I've made such a fool of myself, emailing him all of the time, texting him, calling him...going back and forth between pleading for him back and pretending like we are still friends. He has blocked me on Facebook. He never spoke to me again after I left his house and this is someone that I have known for a decade....someone I've moved from one continent to another for.

If only I would have waited longer to go to his house. When I went, I wasn't 100% ready to leave S (even though I thought I was). Now I am ready to go through this divorce and get M back, but he absolutely loathes me. Silence is basically hatred, and all that I have had from him since January are a couple of emails asking me to leave him alone. No phone call. Nothing else. I said I was sorry 500 times. I go through every day of my life freaking miserable. I'm even taking German classes now. I'm living in hell.

M will never speak to me again and I cannot, CANNOT, CANNOT make him see how sorry I am and how shitty my life is without him in it. I love him and I hate my husband.

I've ruined my life with a German and a French man.

[pisces25]

Sure, he was a bit abusive, but everyone that I've ever loved has been.

That is not normal.

Secondly, are you scared of being on your own? You should take a break from these men and gather your thoughts and mourn the loss of your marriage and get your life back together.

And it isn't your fault what happened with M. He is the one that freaked out so why are you blaming yourself. Seems the years of abuse have really gotten to you and I would recommend some counselling to get back control of your life. Good luck.

[RebeccaOverseas]

It isn't that I am afraid of being by myself, because I actually like my own company, but I am married to someone that CONSTANTLY tells me how horrible I am, which has messed with my self-esteem. He always says, "everyone hates you and you hate everyone," which is just ridiculous. Unfortunately, when someone tells you bad things about yourself over and over again you tend to believe it. At least I do.

I'm in counseling. I'm trying to file from divorce from S. But I still want M back. Fighting with M is what is destroying me. I cannot call him one more time. I've completely humiliated myself, trying to get him back and I'm doubly screwed with both M and S.

[tremolo]

What happened when M 'acted really freaked out' and caused you to leave him?

[RebeccaOverseas]

He picked me up at the train station in Frankfurt on a Friday afternoon, very calm, relaxed and happy to see me. We drove back to his house in his nice black Audi and he carried all of my suitcases and boxes up the stairs to his flat (I was planning on staying for awhile and he was cool with that). We went out to dinner and, although I was very nervous to be on an actual date again with him for so long, it was fine. We went back to his house, watched "In Bruges" in his bedroom and had a great rest of the night. I was very happy.

I ended up sleeping in the guest bedroom across the hall because I couldn't fall asleep next to him. And when I crept back into his bedroom in the morning, he was cold. We didn't really talk. We ate breakfast in silence. I asked him if he, who had given me a key to his house and put me on his car insurance, felt freaked out that I was there and he said yes. I didn't ask why, because I felt so hurt by that response.

We took a nap, never talking, never touching. When we got up from the nap, he said that he had had a really bad dream. We went outside to get some fresh air, and walked down to the grocery store to buy some food. On the way there he said, "do you think people are born gay or do you think they become gay?" and told me what his bad dream had been about. I asked him if he was coming out to me (I mean, I had slept with him the night before, he isn't gay) and he said "no".

We walked to the grocery store in silence and when we were there I was so flustered that I couldn't even think of anything I wanted to eat. I just walked around in shock. When we were in the checkout line he looked down at me and said, "you are short". I was silent. (I'm 5'6). On the way back to his house he told me that he would never act on those feelings, even if he had them, and that he would rather be a lonely uncle than ever be with a man. And I was thinking, "I have to get the F out of here".

I mean, he knew I was in an abusive marriage, was more than willing to give me the keys to his flat and put me on his car insurance, but then he comes out with this S***?

We spent the rest of the day, and the entire next day, watching Season 1 of the Sopranos in silence. I had brought 2 Montecristo cigars for us to smoke and I smoked them both, in despair. On Sunday night he said that we should have make up sex, and we ALMOST did (maybe we should have, he is so damn hot) but didn't. I told him I was going to leave the next morning. He told me to sleep on it, but I was too worried by the uber-bizarre situation I found myself in.

I slept in the guest bedroom. He told me that he would come say goodbye to me before he went to work the next morning, but he didn't. Later, he said that he was running late to work and didn't have time, but he wasn't running late to work, he just lied.

He had someone drive me to Stuttgart, where I caught a train, and he has never spoken to me on the phone again. I've had about 3 emails in 8 months, asking to be left alone, but nothing else.

And I love him.

[vashti]

Involved with S&M, huh? lol

You are a romance junkie.

[RebeccaOverseas]

I don't think I'm a romance junkie at all, as I've been married 6 years and only even thought about M once S tried to kick me out from China. I HATE drama, yet here I am. S is not really unhappy in our marriage, only me. M is just silent in Germany, probably screaming every time I send him an email. I've been really tempted to go to Germany and call him from the street outside of his house, but I really don't have the iniative to follow through. Dealing with one broken heart is hard (S). Dealing with 2 (M&S) is incredibly painful. They really are S&M.

[Wakeup]

Sure, he was a bit abusive, but everyone that I've ever loved has been.

Sorry, I didn't read past that line. As far as I'm concerned that mind-set is the bane of your existence and until you get counceling to work on loving you. You will always find yourself in some drama with a man or men.

If you have no intentions of getting yourself some therapy then look on the bright side. Europe is a big place I'm sure you'll have fun trying with a Italian, or a Brit. or, or, or until you've covered the whole Eur. Union.

On Edit: I just read that you are already in therapy. Discuss what you're seeking in this thread with your therapist. Why would you wonder what layman strangers on the internet think about your emotional and mental issues?

[RebeccaOverseas]

I already said I was in therapy.

As I went to university in Paris, I've already seen what the rest of the E.U. has to offer... S and M's nationalities really have nothing to do with anything.

I have thought about moving back to Europe though. Or Nepal.

[rafterman]

So what happened to the cats?

[Wakeup]

I already said I was in therapy.

As I went to university in Paris, I've already seen what the rest of the E.U. has to offer... S and M's nationalities really have nothing to do with anything.

I have thought about moving back to Europe though. Or Nepal.

No kidding.. I was being sarcastic. For gawd sakes don't do the entire E.U. that will just make the way you value yourself (very little) even worse (to the point of nil).

I repeat:

Discuss what you're seeking in this thread with your therapist. Why would you wonder what layman strangers on the internet think about your emotional and mental issues?

I'm not asking this maliciously so keep that in mind when/if you answer: Were you abused as a child or have a poor upbringing?

[RebeccaOverseas]

No kidding.. I was being sarcastic. For gawd sakes don't do the entire E.U. that will just make the way you value yourself (very little) even worse (to the point of nil).

I repeat:

I'm not asking this maliciously so keep that in mind when/if you answer: Were you abused as a child or have a poor upbringing?

Wow. WOW. Isn't the POINT of this forum to discuss EXACTLY what you are asking me why I am discussing? How vitrolic! Please explain to me what you, personally, think the "Broken Hearts Forum" is for? I'm bemused.

Advising me not to sleep with all of Europe falls on deaf ears, as I've been monogamous (with a 1 night exception) for 7 years and am not promiscuous.

Additionally, asking me if I was abused as a child or had a poor (emotionally, not monetarily) upbringing? Yes and yes.

[RebeccaOverseas]

The cats are still living happily at our flat in Singapore.

[Wakeup]

Additionally, asking me if I was abused as a child or had a poor (emotionally, not monetarily) upbringing? Yes and yes.

This is why you have found yourself abused in every relationship you've found yourself in and this is why you need to talk to your therapist about your problem posed in this thread.

This is not about a broken heart but rather about a broken psyche that I'm glad to hear you're getting help with.

[maxmax]

The cats are still living happily at our flat in Singapore.

That's nice for the cats.