Getting to know women you barely know (building rapport)

[richardwordoff]

So here's a question: how do you build rapport with women you barely know?

I'll throw in an example. Say you see a woman a few times (waitress at a restaurant for example). You obviously don't know her well enough to ask her out (unless you're super attractive in which case it may work). Would a successful approach be trying to get some contact information, (most likely) other than a phone number to chat and become less of a stranger to her?

For instance, if I saw a waitress, made small talk with her a couple times. If she doesn't completely blow me off by speaking to me only as much as she has to I might say something along the lines of "well, it was nice talking to you (after a short conversation). Do you have an email or some other form of communication where we could talk some more?" or "nice talking to you. You know what, you seem like a fun person. Do you have an email or something like that where we could talk when you're not so busy?"

Basically what I'm asking if an approach similar to that would keep relative strangers from being freaked out, and telegraph friendly interest (but not make them think you're crazy about them and want to date them right away when you don't even know them".

If the approach is general would work, is there anything major that would be changed about the two examples above? I kind of feel like saying "some form of communication" would make you sound pretetcious but the whole point is to get some way to communicate with her that SHE feels comfortable with. A phone number is probably the absolute MOST uncomfortable way to communicate with someone you barely know. However, you don't want want to end up with an email or something she barely ever uses (although, if it ends up going well, then are you going to have to ask for her phone number if you want to ask her to hang out w/ you or go on a date with you?)

In case anyone asks, I don't have any details to give since I just made up that scenario.

Thanks.

[surfhb]

Huh??? What wrong with asking for her phone number? If you asked a girl for her email address she might think you're weird.

Also don't approach women with the motive of dating per se....just look at it as some possible friendship.

[richardwordoff]

You said not to look to date them, but to be a friend. Isn't being a "friend" what so many guys try to avoid? Once you're a "friend" you're probably not going to be seen as a romantic partner ever.

But, that aside, wouldn't asking a for a woman's number effectively ruin any chance of friendship anyway? And in the example I gave, does anyone think they're really going to build a relationship with a person by talking to them 5-10 times for a minute or two while they're at work? I guess it may be weird to ask for an email, but I don't see any other way to build the base for a relationship unless you can talk to them for longer than a couple minutes at a time. In my experiences, women don't give out phone numbers to strangers.

[HeartIsAching]

"I'd like to get to know you better. Can we go have coffee sometime?"

Boom, done.

[richardwordoff]

... What if you hate coffee? Not so easy.

[HeartIsAching]

... What if you hate coffee? Not so easy.

You're right, you should just give up.

[MaidenMinx]

Hot chocolate then! Iced chocolate if you don't like hot drinks. There are options in cafes you know.

And just a tip, Don't ask someone out or for contact info while they are working.

[richardwordoff]

If you can't ask someone while they're working then when can you ask them? You can't wait around until they get off work.

[DarkHelmet82]

just say "would you like to grab a drink sometime." If they are interested they will say sure. If they don't drink she will say I don't drink but offer something else...

[richardwordoff]

Doesn't asking her out defeat the purpose of, you know, trying not to ask her out? If you've only made small talk with someone a handful of times then what reason would they have to go with you [practically a complete stranger] anywhere, even if it was just to talk? The whole point of this was asking whether or not there was actually a way to get to know someone a fair amount before asking them out.

[IndiReloaded]

"I'd like to get to know you better. Can we go have coffee sometime?"

Perfect. Or tea. Not drinks, which is an evening event and might turn some women off. Same for dinner, unless an obvious rapport has been established.

If she is seeing someone, or just not interested, this type of casual ask allows both ppl to save face if she declines.

BTW, a decline could be as simple as this:

"That's a very kind offer. Thank you, I really appreciate it. But I'm married, you see, so I'm sorry but I can't accept. I hope you understand. :smile:"

You're right, you should just give up.

Hahahaha! Maybe he could ask her if she'd like to go get a milkshake w/him on his skateboard!

[IndiReloaded]

Doesn't asking her out defeat the purpose of, you know, trying not to ask her out? If you've only made small talk with someone a handful of times then what reason would they have to go with you [practically a complete stranger] anywhere, even if it was just to talk? The whole point of this was asking whether or not there was actually a way to get to know someone a fair amount before asking them out.

You are asking her for a cup of tea, in daytime, in a public place. Not like you are asking her to go home w/you.

[MaidenMinx]

The reason I said you don't ask anyone out or for their contact details at work is because they are working!! They are in a position where they have to be nice and polite and personable. You ask them out or for contact details while they are serving you, you are putting them in an awkward position. If you are particulalry interested in a waitress (or someone in the service industry) your best opening line would be something to the effect of 'long shift today?'. Her response will tell you up to 2 things. First, whether or not there is mutual attraction, second, you might just find out her finishing time.

[richardwordoff]

Keep in mind this is an example, I don't have anyone in mind at the moment.

Anyway, is lunch comparable to coffee/whatever? I don't drink coffee or tea (or alcohol) and I normally never go to coffee shop places. If such a situation presented itself the last thing I would want to do is be in an uncomfortable place. Also, someone said not to get contact information while they're working. When are you just supposed to get it? Are you just supposed to give them the invitation and agree where and when there and just hope the person shows up? They have no way to tell you if something comes up or if they got stuck in traffic or anything.

If someone ends up going with you and you chat a little do you try to get contact information then? About how many times do you stick with lunch meetings before you try anything more "serious" (dinner for example)?

MaidenMinx: I'm using the waitress thing as an example, but this could be a woman you see anywhere (university course, some other activity). But for the waitress example, even if you talk to her like you said, you still don't end up with any contact information. Even if the end of her shift comes up in the conversation how can that amount to anything? You can't say "hey well I'll come back when you get off work and we'll talk more then!" I haven't tried that "line" with any waitresses before, although I have made similar comments to cashiers before (couple examples: went into a grocery store before I went to exercise, and when I came back later to get some post-workout food the cashier was still there, so I said something like "are they ever going to let you go home?"). The example I gave isn't the best because I wasn't actually interested in that girl, but anyway.. I've never had them respond in a way where I could tell interest, disinterest or neutrality and even though they almost always say something like "yeah I get to home at such and such time" it doesn't amount to anything. I probably seem like I'm asking for your help and then arguing with your advice, but I'm just trying to understand where you're coming from with your advice.

Thanks

[MaidenMinx]

Yes, i know your waitress scenario was an example. I can only work with what I'm given.

To me it sounds like your biggest problem isn't knowing how to approach / get to know someone, it seems your problem is being able to tell if someone is interested or not. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Going back to the waitress example, you ask if she has a long shift. She says 'nah, just here over lunch' you could respond with 'any plans for the afternoon?' they might respond with 'nah not really and you could take it from there. I'm sorry but I can't give you a working script.

One thing I will give you kudos for is not being a job snob ie. You don't seem to mind if a potential partner is in what is deemed by most as a menial job.