Mixed Signals?

[MaverickCSM]

This topic may have been already posted numerous times, but I am caught in a personal dilemma. The title of this thread may give you an improper introduction to what truly is the situation here. Well to begin with since I have not posted previously, I am a 21-year-old man in college, working a stagnant job and trying to find some happiness in the process. Here goes, hopefully there are some good suggestions out there...

To break down a long convoluded story and give the important points, I have fallen for a 23-year-old woman I have known for the past two years and also work with. Here is the real kicker...are you ready for it...are you?

She's been MARRIED for a little over a year!!!...

I know, most of you are going to stop right there and jump to conclusions. Bear with me if you will. I have not made any moves toward her and have tried to keep my interest as merely voyueristic. From my standpoint I see that she is not totally unhappy with her situation, but recent events have lead me to believe there may be something rubbing her the wrong way. This woman has been a friend ever since I started working with her about a year and a half ago. It's as though we are "one in the same." I have never made a connection with someone on purely a personality level so extrodinary as I have this woman. And to think it has grown and prospered even with a marriage looming in the shadows. We share all the same interests and even can complete what each other is thinking or trying to say. It's uncanny...to say the least.

Her and I go out to the clubs from time to time, and spend time together quite a bit. There is a pretty close knit group of individuals that I work with and we are all pretty close friends. My week mainly consists of school and work, with little or no room for leisure. Needless to say I spend an awful lot of time around these individuals....and of course HER.

Did I say that I was going to make this short?...lol

I'll get down to business here, over the time that I have known this woman her and I have become quite close and always say we need to spend more time together. Her husband is usually absent working in there hometown and not usually with her at her home here. She says she spends alot of time alone and wishes she could get together with me more and our group of coworkers. Not to mention that her husband really doesn't care for me because of the great friendship that his wife and I have!!! I know she has only been married for a little over a year but she does have a lengthy past with this man, over 8 years with him. He is the only man that she has ever dated and she ended up marrying him..Oy!

When her and I get together, there is alot of verbal and limited physical flirting, and have never really put much stock into it. One of my closest female friends at work who has also know her for as long as I, has recently brought up if I have noticed things are pretty "interesting" between her and I. I finally had a lengthy coversation with this same friend and told her that I have been secretly falling in love with this woman. She thinks there is something there and quite personally thinks I should investigate further.

This is the dilemma....

I am a very respectful guy and would never just go for something, especially with someone in a very committed relationship...married or otherwise. This girl has been a nagging reminder that I may have found something truly amazing and will never get to experience it. But I keep my mouth shut and my emotions secret. Recently I spoke of a spring break trip that I have planned with a few individuals and she really wanted to join me, and I told her she should talk to her husband and see if they both want to come...her reply, "Even if he doesn't want to come I am going to go if possible." Mixed Signal...I think so.

My question after all of this, do I let this slip away and try to find a way to forget about what has been eating at me? Could I be misinterpreting this completely?...I am usually a pretty good judge at signals but then again this woman is truly special and I may be leaning towards my feelings for answers to that. I am not going to make it my place to inquire if she is "unsatisfied" with her marriage and if she has any feelings that could be growing for me. I would hate to lose a great friendship that I could see even becoming stronger. But I am sick of not going for something that I KNOW could be so amazing and strong. This is the one time I do not want to back down, and I am almost willing to risk the friendship in order to just know what is going on between us. My last fear is that if I let it go to long and see if things will pan out and possibly her marriage will lose its flavor it will have been too long.

Mixed signals, confusion, and desire...bad elements to this equation

I have already written too much, but then again it is not nearly enough. I am sure I am leaving alot out so if you need any other information I will be hoping for some responses and maybe I can get some help in walking this rocky path. The torment is killing me!!!

Phewwwwwww......

[MaverickCSM]

Is no one replying to this thread because it's really lengthy?....I could really use some help on this situation even if it has been addressed before


Plz Help anyone

[BlackRose]

Hey. I decided to read this whole thing after glancing at it a few times. Anyway... I am a little confused. I don't have anything definite to tell you. If I were you, I would just wait it out a little longer. See how this spring break thing works out. If she goes without her husband, just be yourself and let her call the shots. Have fun but just continue to be respectful of her marriage. If she isn't talking about divorse from this guy, then these signals you are getting are not all that genuine. She may like you, but it doesn't mean she is going to leave her husband for you. Just continue to be her friend. She obviously needs you but she seems like she is using you and the other co-workers to fill a huge gap in her life that her husband is creating. What does he do? Is he around for her? Do they go out at all? I don't know if you can answer any of this without a bias, but try to. Just examine their marriage from a non-objective point of view. Just take a step back and try to see if she is even a little happy. If she seems like she will be ok, I don't suggest you put too much into this. You are puting your life on hold for a married woman. In this year and a half that you've known her, have you dated at all? Have you been dating recently? You need to take a look at your life and make sure you aren't puting everything aside for this woman. I would not talk to her about it just yet. As I said, give it more time. I wouldn't hold much hope for this working out though. Even if she leaves her husband for you, what will stop her from leaving you for the next nice guy that comes along? I'm not saying she'd do this, but she could. That's just one opinion though. Just let things happen as they always have but try to unattach yourself from this woman as best as you can. Give yourself a chance to find someone less attached. Who knows, in the time you've spent pining away for this woman, you could have been out dating and finding the perfect woman for you. You just need to look at things from other perspectives....get a little clarity. I really hope I was a bit of help. Let me know if I answered your question or if I missed anything. There was a lot to respond to. Take care.

[BlackRose]

Hmmmmmmmm.... Perhaps you gave up hope or figured it out on your own?

[mhussain]

wait and watch mate.
all comes to those who wait

Hussain

[MaverickCSM]

Thanks for the comments Black Rose....sorry for the take of leave from the forums been a rough week. I guess I am just going to sit back and let them be even though the feelings haven't subsided. I understand that a marriage is unlike a long-term relationship. The ultimate committment has been made and I must respect that. All I know is that her and I will still be friends, but I can't help to look at her a little differently. I am just going to try my luck somewhere else, but my luck has been no luck at all for the past couple of years. The women that I have dated have all been a "little off" if you know what I mean. Maybe I will get in on some more post and check and see some advice.

[nomas]

You know...sitting in the third person, it's easy enough to say, "man, there are plenty of fish in the sea..why go for a married one, just look elsewhere", but when I apply it to my own personal desire to be with a woman who I should probably working at forgetting (not because she's married, but because chances are slim to none that we'll be together) then I see why we would refuse.

Still, the suggestion I"m going with is, sure enough, to try your luck elsewhere. You can achieve anything if your give it an honest try and keep at it. Even stopping to consider this person for a romantic relationship.

Consider what advice you'd give someone in your situation and then try to follow it for yourself.

Freds

[BlackRose]

Thanks for the comments Black Rose....sorry for the take of leave from the forums been a rough week. I guess I am just going to sit back and let them be even though the feelings haven't subsided. I understand that a marriage is unlike a long-term relationship. The ultimate committment has been made and I must respect that. All I know is that her and I will still be friends, but I can't help to look at her a little differently. I am just going to try my luck somewhere else, but my luck has been no luck at all for the past couple of years. The women that I have dated have all been a "little off" if you know what I mean. Maybe I will get in on some more post and check and see some advice.

I am glad to see you are back and that you got my post. I hope things work out for you. I am so torn about your situation. I want to tell you to just go for it but it's not really the right thing to do. For them at least. It's the right thing for you in a way though. It all depends on how much you are willing to risk for this woman. Good luck though and keep us updated on the situation as well as anything else you want to talk about.

[indigosoul]

Dear maverick,

You are young, yet life is short all the same. It is definitely too short to be without the one you love.

There are several avenues for you to take here, and I'm sure you've thought of them already. The standard is to leave her & her marriage alone. Be her friend, date others and maybe you'll discover that she isn't really The One afterall, assuming you believe such exists. Or wait for her to dissolve her marriage & then pursue her, but keep in mind this may never happen without a catalyst.

If you think there is reciprocity from her, then you have to sit down with her and clear the air. Honestly & completely. For everyone's sake: yours, hers, & her spouse. Don't beat around the bush: If she can't find the strength to do it, do it for her and don't let her off until you get some straight answers. If she is truly your friend (and esp if you are considering a longterm relationship w/her!) then there shouldn't be anything you can't say to each other. If thats a problem, then the relationship is doomed, no matter what form it takes.

What you do with your answer will then depend on her beliefs and yours about marriage, vows, commitment, love, life, and all those deep things that make us who we are. There is no real right or wrong answer, just what will make you & she happiest. If she leaves her spouse then, yes, this may make her spouse unhappy, but keep the longterm picture in mind. Will he be happy in 10 years w/a wife who may not love him? Or maybe you will agree to love one another, but as friends at some agreed-upon distance. This option can be painful, but is possible if treated honestly.

I would caution against an affair w/this lady. The self esteem of everyone will be affected and it will almost certainly affect any future relationship of hers or yours, together or otherwise. Honesty, tho sometimes painful, is really the only way to go on this one.

I'm assuming, of course, that you truly care for this woman & she for you. If you are merely playing, or are unsure what you want exactly from this lady then you are best to leave it alone until you DO know exactly what you want.

When you are old & gray, will you still ache for this lady? If so, you know what you need to do. Whatever happens, you will have closure, and will be free to live & move on as is best for you. Best wishes.