Continually Turned Down By Women

[richardwordoff]

I am continually turned down by women. I'm 23 and the most I've ever done was hang out with a girl a couple times (not even a serious date). Obviously it is hard to point anything out without knowing me, but I really don't see what the problem is. I'm muscular, at least decently attractive, can carry on a conversation, etc. but none of the women I ask out ever agree. The only thing I know of that could be hurting my chances are that I'm about 5'4". Even then, I don't really ask girls out that are more than a couple inches taller than me at most.

I'm becoming really quite pissed off at the situation. There has got to be some reason I am getting turned down all the time. It is getting to the point of being ****ing pathetic.

Is it appropriate to ask a girl why she didn't want anything to do with you? That is the only way I can think of to figure out what is going on.In the case that it is, how do you do it without sounding like a wimp?

[surfhb]

How many times have you been turned down over what time span?

[MerryH]

Is it appropriate to ask a girl why she didn't want anything to do with you?

No, it's not appropriate. It's kind of an invasive question, and it will put them on the spot. Those girls really don't owe you any explanations. I mean, I guess if you're still friendly with someone who rejected you, and you think she'd actually tell you the truth, then maybe you can ask her. But if you do, make sure you frame the question in more of an "I need some help/advice" way than a "WHY DON'T YOU WANT ME" way.

But before you do that. tell us what you're doing. Maybe we can help. How exactly do you ask them out? How well do you know them? Give examples, or something.

[Yet another guy]

I think it's very rude not to tell someone why they've been rejected.

[leoben]

I think it's very rude not to tell someone why they've been rejected.

So you want to be insulted on top of being rejected? Girls are wrong for being nice to you?

[Yet another guy]

So you want to be insulted on top of being rejected? Girls are wrong for being nice to you?

I'm better off insulted by what the girl thinks rather than what my mind will come up.
Besides, I'll feel a lot better knowing that I dodged a bullet if she is obnoxious about it.

[MerryH]

I think it's very rude not to tell someone why they've been rejected.

I don't think it's rude. Would it benefit the person who is getting rejected? Sure, maybe. But maybe they don't want to hear it. Or maybe they'll react badly when they're told why. Or maybe telling them why will start the bargaining process, where they'll promise to not do the thing you don't like. Or maybe they'll tell all your mutual friends and loveforum.net what a horrible person you are because you didn't want to date them for [whatever reason]. Rejecting someone can have consequences, so typically people try to be as nice about it as possible.

Say a guy asks me out, but he has really bad teeth and his breath smells like a dead fish. Is it my responsibility to tell him that's why I don't want to date him? Should I not only reject him, but also put myself in an even more awkward position and tell him that he's gross?

[MerryH]

I'm better off insulted by what the girl thinks rather than what my mind will come up.
Besides, I'll feel a lot better knowing that I dodged a bullet if she is obnoxious about it.

Okay, fine. It's because your breath smells like a dead trout.

Do you feel better now?

[Yet another guy]

Okay, fine. It's because your breath smells like a dead trout.

Do you feel better now?

Oh? the girl last night didn't mind

Now, assuming that were true, I could easily check that myself and probably fix it with maybe mouthwash or fixing my diet and/or toothbrush scheadule, which may be the problem in this scenario. I'd have much better chances with the next girl. Thanks!
Of course, you can be relatively tactful while still being truthful. For example, you could leave out the offensive simile and just say "Sorry, but your breath just smells too bad."

In a scenario where that isn't true, that's not a very good choice since it's so easy to check it myself. As you can probably guess, I would frown upon the use of an excuse whether it's good or bad.

[MerryH]

Oh? the girl last night didn't mind

Is it because she also smelled like trout? Do two trouts cancel each other out?

You didn't answer my question:

Is it my responsibility to tell him that's why I don't want to date him? Should I not only reject him, but also put myself in an even more awkward position and tell him that he's gross?

[Yet another guy]

Is it because she also smelled like trout? Do two trouts cancel each other out?

Not really. We both did start to smell by the end of the night due to sweating.

Is it my responsibility to tell him that's why I don't want to date him?

It would be polite and helpful. It isn't your "responsibility". It isn't my responsibility to hold doors open to people or apologize if I step on someones toes either but I still do it. Even if it inconveniences me.

Should I not only reject him, but also put myself in an even more awkward position and tell him that he's gross?

In my opinion, you are already in a more awkward position when if reject him just because. Telling your reason doesn't make it more awkward.
So, yes, I think you should tell him that his breath smells.

[MerryH]

It would be polite and helpful. It isn't your "responsibility".

I agree with this.

[surfhb]

This whole thing is silly

There's no way any girl ever, now or in the future, will tell you why she not interested in you.

Would you tell a girl you dont want to see her again because her breath smells? If so, youre some kind of Asshole!

[Yet another guy]

There's no way any girl ever, now or in the future, will tell you why she not interested in you.

I still trust that there is a nice person out there

[richardwordoff]

"Would you tell a girl you dont want to see her again because her breath smells? If so, youre some kind of Asshole!" Or it could be helping her out in the long run... if nobody ever tells her her breath is offensive she might never know... If the truth is better off in the long run would be something you would have to decide.

Getting back on track...

I wouldn't expect someone to [nicely] tell you why they didn't want anything to do with you as it could certainly elicit a negative reaction. However, if someone would tell me and it were something I could actually do something about, I would appreciate it.

As far as the frequency of my failures is concerned, I'd say it has to be 4 within the last two months, and once or twice a year per year going back to middle school (I think in 6th grade I might have just freaked the hell out and asked 10 or so in year)
In middle school I'd ask girls out by phone or instant messenger although I don't remember actual activities I'd invite them to. A couple times I asked girls in high school on the phone (found in public phonebook... I knew them fairly well, but still) and would just offer an invitation to a restaurant. Other times in high school I'm pretty sure I asked them in person. In college I've mostly asked people in person.

As far as the last couple of months go...
----1) My sister's friend had a sister that got dumped recently. I was basically begged by my sister's friend and a couple other people to ask her out (they said she wanted me to). I wasn't too crazy about her, and thought "what the hell, I'll give it a shot, I don't ever do this" (had been probably a year or two since I'd even attempted). Text messaged her, she agreed, acted [goofy, almost overly] enthusiastic. Two hours before we were supposed to meet up she sent me a text and said she got back together with the guy that dumped her. She was probably just looking for a rebound fling or something, but who knows.
----2) Asked girl I talked to 5+ times at a store I go to hang out so I could get to know her better. She said "(hesitation) Sure..!" Asked her when she got off work, that I'd call her later and discuss it further. She took my number but refused to give hers, saying "I'll contact you". Guess how that turned out.
----3) Girl in a class I walked (and talked with obviously) to university parking lot with a few times. Asked me for help on an assignment and got my number. A couple hours after I left the library (helping her with assignment) I asked her if she wanted to go on a run with me (she is athletic, enjoys it). She texted me the next morning and said "let me know if you want to go for a run sometime!" Told her "yeah, let's do that. You going to be around the next couple of weeks?" Ignored.
----4) Girl in another class that sat next to me went back and forth between being friendly and [almost overly] talkative and acting cold (e.g. one or two word responses). Sent her an email telling her that if she wanted to study extra for the exam to let me know (was thinking if she was interested she wouldn't turn down an opportunity, but only wanted to email because I didn't want her to think I was more interested than I was). Did not respond. Kind of moved on to girl in 3) but last few days of the course she started being talkative again and joked with me a few times.
Day before our exam she was going on about how stressed she was to me and later on she sent me an email asking about how to do the remaining homework for the course. I told her about the HW, and asked her if she was feeling any better and she replied with a big paragraph of "thanks a lot! I did ___ and ___, blah blah so I feel a lot better now! Thanks for checking on me! I'll see you tomorrow!" An email along the lines of: "Thanks for the HW help. I'm feeling better now, thanks." would have been more appropriate for someone not interested, but that's just me.
Since I was kind of surprised at how she had started acting friendly again I didn't really know what to do with only the exam period left. I ended up finishing the exam and tore off a piece of paper and said "good luck! Send me a text when you finish xxx-xxx-xxxx". I could see how this would be awkward, but as you might guess, no response.

I feel like I used to get all the "friends" jazz, like girls were trying to be nice about it, but now it just seems like I get flat out ignored. I guess some of it may have to do with these girls thinking they probably won't see me again, but I don't know.
Are all the girls I'm asking out already in relationships? WTF?

Also, let's not let this turn into a "you've got to lower your standards" discussion. I only ask women out that I'm attracted to. That is my standard.

Thanks.