Just when I thought I was done

[OmnicronPercei8]

So I've made some really good strides in the past few weeks since I've cut most the communication with my ex. While I haven't completely gotten over her by any measure, it has gotten much easier and I could tell that I am healing. I think about her sometimes less than half the day on the days I don't see her and I've been taking more time off work so that helps. I also have been taking the steps toward another job and while I don't have it locked down just yet, it seems to be that I've said all the right things so far and have one last interview to secure my position outside of my current company.

I went back and reviewed the stages of grieving and while not all the models are the same, there are several where the last steps are coming out of the depression (the fog has lifted for me and it's more of a haze now), and rebuilding. I've been really focusing on my homework for school, doing very well at my current job, striving to be a better dad, learning and studying to be able to do the new job well should I get it, exercising hard, and volunteering the rest of my time away. I decided that right now a woman is not the answer and maybe after I'm secure in a new job and school is behind me I will entertain more thought to that.

With that, I received an email from my ex last night telling me that she was now engaged to be married. They will be wed by September 17 which will only be four months from when she broke up with me and they supposedly "met". I guess she has told a few people we work with and thought it would be distasteful if I heard it from someone else so she wanted to let me know directly. It is kind of hard to be upset with the email because she sugar coats our relationship so much saying that she will always love me for the friend I was to her before we were together and the way I have shown her toward being better to someone else. The rest was just well wishes for me that she wants me to be happy and find the right person for me.

I really don't know what to say in response to her or how to even feel. I spent the majority of the evening tossing and turning. I don't feel like curling up and crying about it which I totally would have done a month ago. I am glad that she told me directly instead of hearing it from someone else but then again, when I leave here, I fully anticipate never hearing from her again. If I could have gotten out of here w/o finding out that she was getting married I would have been even happier with that. I know nothing changes here - I'm not with her either way - but I've still been holding on to the small shred of hope that she would one day return, even if there was nothing left for her to return to.

[Andariel]

I am really sorry to hear that. It must be really painful to find out that your ex has moved on that quickly. It is absolutely normal for you to feel upset by this (regardless of whether you wanted to get back together with her or not). Feeling some kind of anger, resentment, disappointment and even jealousy at this stage is perfectly normal. Some people can't bearthe thought of being on their own even for a bit and so they move on from one relationship to another without taking the time to reflect on what went wrong in the past and therefore without tlearning from their past mistakes and becoming better people. Sounds to me like your ex is this type of person. The fact that she has moved on so fast, is no reflection on you or the time you spent together. Accept that she just needs to cling on to someone and needs this to feel good about herself. What you had together was different to what she has with this guy and in my humble opinion, you are better off anyway.Who would want to me with someone whose feelings are so shallow!

The important part now is to a) accept that it is over and stop beating yourself about what happened and b) to focus completely and 100% on yourself and to put all your energy into that. Exercise, take up a new hobby, go out with your friends and most importantly cut off all contact with her. Expanding your social circle will help you get your mind off things and meet more like-minded people. Exercise is good because it will make you feel better about yourself.

As far as responding to her email. I would say just reply with a polite 'I am very happy for you and wish you nothing but the best. I am also very happy with my life right now and I am focusing on myself at the moment, so in this regard please do not contact me from now on.'. This way you are showing her that you have risen above all that and that you are moving on with your life and that at least for the tme being you don't want any more contact with her so that you can focus on you and leave the past behind you.

[tremolo]

I am so, so sorry this has happened to you. It sucks royally that you have to go through this, but I know you'll make it through just fine.

Stay strong xx

[HeartIsAching]

It sounds to me as if she's trying to hurt you. The best revenge is living well, yes?

Send her an email back that says "I hope you get all that you deserve." :-D

[IncognitoSir]

Ehhh, stick to your guns my friend. NO CONTACT. No need for a response at all. She contacted you due to some guilt SHE was experiencing. Don't let this shake you in your recovery too much. Keep moving in the right direction!

[Lipp]

4 months is a pretty damn short time to go from meet-and-greet to marriage. I always cringe upon hearing of friends who plan to get married after just a few months, and so far none of those even reached the marriage date before failing, unsurprisingly

Chuck it being a rebound into the mix, and voilá, you've got yourself a cremé de la divorce within the first few years.

So there it is - she hasn't learned anything, there's nothing to be jealous about, and there's closure.

[tremolo]

Ehhh, stick to your guns my friend. NO CONTACT. No need for a response at all. She contacted you due to some guilt SHE was experiencing. Don't let this shake you in your recovery too much. Keep moving in the right direction!

Actually, I think the classiest/most damning to do thing would be to send her a VERY short email wishing her happiness with her new man, as if you want what is best for her but don't really give a flying you-know-what she's moving on. Then if she writes back, ignore her.

It will probably also make her lose her shit.

[Wakeup]

Omni: This doesn't seem like it, but it's actually wonderful news. Now you can totally accept that it's over that you'll be safe moving along in life and that you'll now have a clear mind and an open heart to accept someone who will love you. Look to your future with a smile.

As for her email. pffft. Delete it and carry on soldier.

[OmnicronPercei8]

Thanks to everyone who has responded to me. I'll admit that this situation does suck, and while it doesn't change anything between her and I, it does enable me to completely move on knowing that it's done for good. I decided to take Tremolo's suggestion and send her an email wishing her good luck and I was at peace with what she said.

I know many people would cross their fingers in anticipation and hope that their ex's marriage would not work out, but I do sincerely wish her well. It would probably hurt me more down the line for her to contact me saying that they didn't make it and she would like to be friends or whatever again, because at that time I will have no room for her in my heart, single or not.

Thanks to all that have provided their support for me while I've gone through this personal hell. I've met a lot of good people here with a lot of sage wisdom and even though we're strangers over the internet divide, I'm glad to have known you.