Just a quick question? I dont want to be unfair.

[HereComesTheSun]

Hey all, i would just like to ask you guys for some advice, what is the best way to handle this?

My boyfriend has some jealousy issues and im not sure on how to deal with them. I have been trying my hardest to keep the peace and i am thinking of calling it quits. I just dont feel it will get better and im starting to feel a little suffocated by him. Its not nice, because i do love him and i hate seeing him like this. But its getting too much.

First thing is, i know i am some what good looking and men do hit on me time to time. My boyfriend hates this and i understand why. Sometimes he takes it out on me, which we have spoke about and he promised not to do anymore because i dont ever accept any of the advances i get.. so i dont mean for him to get upset and i always shut other men down.

Well, recently we went to a friends BBQ/surprise birthday. All was good and everyone was having fun. One of my friends is recently going through relationship troubles and was drinking a tad too much. At the end of the night he was saying things that were inappropriate. Asking me why i was with my boyfriend, why i let him treat me the way he does.. I just replied that he had too much to drink and that he had a girlfriend. I ignored him because it was inappropriate.

Well an hour later i asked my boyfriend to pick me up to go home like we had planned, and he said okay. My friend (which may i add knows my boyfriend too and is relatively cool with him) started shouting to me while i was on the phone, 'Dont be stupid, get what you deserve'.. Well, my boyfriend started asking what he was saying and i told him id speak to him when we got home.

When we got home, he was asking what he had said.. Asking me to tell the truth and wouldnt drop it. So i said he was drunk and stupid and saying silly things. I let it on lightly and didnt give full details that werent nessasary, just trying to not cause trouble. He was pissed at me mostly, saying i invite this kind of behaviour.. But the argument was dropped.

Today, 2 week past the incident, he text me while hes at work. Asking for this guys number. I dont have it which i told him and he is freaking out. Saying i need to stick by him and be his girl, saying he is going to his house tonight to teach him a lesson.
I want no part of this drama, its just embarrassing for me, which i have said.

He said it's a guy thing and needs to be done, its just something i dont understand. I understand that he doesnt like the guy now, i would never go hang out with this guy or do anything like that.. But i dont understand why he has to go this far.
I wish id never told him, i wanted to be truthful but i didnt think he would go this far..

Is it right for him to go do this? Should i be angry at the way he is acting? Or is this just what a man should do and it is just a 'guy thing' that i should sit back and accept?

I have had enough of his drama and tantrums like this.. Like i said i am thinking of calling it quits, but im not sure if i would be wrong for doing so over something like this..
Any help would be great and im sorry its so long!!

[VincenzoG91]

Is your jealous boyfriend the same guy that bit you? Yeah, dump him. And your drunken friend was way out of line, too. I don't think that he's really your friend, he just has a crush for you despite already having a girlfriend. It's possible that you do kind of invite this bad behavior from guys, if this kind of stuff keeps happening. You need to know what you want, and stand up for that. Don't let jerks push you around and make you miserable. Set some standards and some boundaries, and enforce them.

[Incognito]

To answer your question, no, this isn't "a guy thing" and no, it isn't acceptable. Yeah his friend was out of line for saying what he said, but he was also drunk. People say and do all sorts of things that they otherwise wouldn't when they have had too much to drink. It is stupid for your boyfriend to get angry at you for occurrences like this (assuming that you are telling us the whole truth and aren't flirting or something like that). It is also particularly troubling that your boyfriend is going to start a physical confrontation with this guy 2 weeks after the fact, and the guy was drunk at the time. I'll let you in on something HereComesTheSun, men like him can become physically abusive in time. Not always, but it is a definite possibility. Think about this, he has shouted and accused you because of the attention that OTHERS have GIVEN you. Now in addition to that he is willing to "teach a guy a lesson". He views everyone as being at fault, but especially you. Eventually this is going to be him teaching [you] a lesson for getting attention, or for not "doing enough" to avoid the attention.

I have seen men like him before who abuse their wives/girlfriends as "punishment" for guys being attracted to them. Eventually the women felt like they had to be less pretty to avoid attention and that lack of self respect on the woman's part simply fed into the man's jealousy even more. She was viewed as more of a possession than anything. You are on the very beginning of that road, get off now. I'd make sure that you have people around you when you break up with him and for a long while after because he may get violent and/or stalk you. Good luck to you.

[smackie9]

I dated some like that and its not just jealousy, its abuse...accusing you for others poor behaviour, is manipulative, and makes for an unhealthy relationship. The only way is out, get out of this abusive relationship....it will only get worse. You already feel that its weighing you down and all the love in the world will not make him a better person.

I was stupid and stayed with my ex.....it eventually turned physically violent, it was a hard lesson learned let me tell ya.

[HereComesTheSun]

I agree, i didnt think it was acceptable.. He says he is going to invite him over to his house then punch him, then ask to shake his hand and for an apology. I think it is just stupid how he is acting.. Its becoming way too much for me. He spent all morning trying to persuade me that it is the right thing to do, that its just a guy thing and i wouldnt understand it.
He does always try to blame me, i mean, i am friendly, i always am friendly toward people. He says i do give off the wrong impression, which i try hard not to. I stay away from men in general when we are out and i steer clear from getting into conversation with other men so not to give the wrong impression, but he still says i invite it. It seems like nothing i do is good enough im not sure how else to act anymore! Which is why i think im going to leave..
My friend isnt usually like this, like i said he has a girlfriend and from what i know has always been loyal to her, they are going through a rough patch and i think he just said stupid things and been a stupid drunk.

When i said i thought he was being stupid and to not start anything, he said i am being disloyal and i should always be by his side. I am starting to feel like his posession and not someone he cares for anymore. I also asked why does it have to always be my fault when men hit on me. I told him i try my hardest to stay away from ever possibly leading a man on or anything and maybe, just maybe could be because i am a pretty girl. He said i was being stupid and i need to smarten the f*ck up. That if i really thought that was why, then i am stupid. UGH.
Yes vincenzo, this is the same guy, it seems like that was not just a one off and it appears that this may get worse..
Thanks for the advice, i like to just make sure that what i think is 'normal' to think. He thinks i am stupid, that i am naive and stupid and dont understand anything, yet i am starting to think he is a lunatic.
I am going to just tell him i cant handle it anymore, that i just want to be treat like a person, not a posession. Lets see how this goes, ugh, hes going to go crazy..

[VincenzoG91]

As tempting as it can be to punch somebody in the face at times, a sucker punch can occasionally cause death. The unsuspecting victim falls hard and hits his head on a hard floor or pavement or maybe a nearby table or countertop, and the resulting head injury can be lethal.

[url=http://www.citypages.com/2011-07-27/news/one-punch-homicide/]One-punch homicide - Page 1 - News - Minneapolis - City Pages[/url]

[Incognito]

I agree, i didnt think it was acceptable.. He says he is going to invite him over to his house then punch him, then ask to shake his hand and for an apology. I think it is just stupid how he is acting.. Its becoming way too much for me. He spent all morning trying to persuade me that it is the right thing to do, that its just a guy thing and i wouldnt understand it.
He does always try to blame me, i mean, i am friendly, i always am friendly toward people. He says i do give off the wrong impression, which i try hard not to. I stay away from men in general when we are out and i steer clear from getting into conversation with other men so not to give the wrong impression, but he still says i invite it. It seems like nothing i do is good enough im not sure how else to act anymore! Which is why i think im going to leave..
My friend isnt usually like this, like i said he has a girlfriend and from what i know has always been loyal to her, they are going through a rough patch and i think he just said stupid things and been a stupid drunk.

When i said i thought he was being stupid and to not start anything, he said i am being disloyal and i should always be by his side. I am starting to feel like his posession and not someone he cares for anymore. I also asked why does it have to always be my fault when men hit on me. I told him i try my hardest to stay away from ever possibly leading a man on or anything and maybe, just maybe could be because i am a pretty girl. He said i was being stupid and i need to smarten the f*ck up. That if i really thought that was why, then i am stupid. UGH.
Yes vincenzo, this is the same guy, it seems like that was not just a one off and it appears that this may get worse..
Thanks for the advice, i like to just make sure that what i think is 'normal' to think. He thinks i am stupid, that i am naive and stupid and dont understand anything, yet i am starting to think he is a lunatic.
I am going to just tell him i cant handle it anymore, that i just want to be treat like a person, not a posession. Lets see how this goes, ugh, hes going to go crazy..

>>>> Ok, this is WAY over the top. He's is going to ambush this guy by inviting him over and sucker punching him, and then dare to ask for an apology?! He's off his rocker...
>>>> I hope you read your own words and realize that you have already started down that path of letting him gain control over you. If you are basing your actions on what he will do or say you are already starting to lose. He will continue to berate you and manipulate you into being his possession, and that will eventually turn into violence. He says that you are stupid for thinking that men are attracted to you but accuses you of being smart enough to secretly invite this attention. That is a clear contradiction, but it doesn't matter because he is a lunatic.

Like I said, you need to get out now. Bring friends or family with you when you break up with him and make sure that you always have someone with you for a while after that. Possessive people like that generally don't like when their "possessions" assert themselves.

[HereComesTheSun]

>>>> Ok, this is WAY over the top. He's is going to ambush this guy by inviting him over and sucker punching him, and then dare to ask for an apology?! He's off his rocker...
>>>> I hope you read your own words and realize that you have already started down that path of letting him gain control over you. If you are basing your actions on what he will do or say you are already starting to lose. He will continue to berate you and manipulate you into being his possession, and that will eventually turn into violence. He says that you are stupid for thinking that men are attracted to you but accuses you of being smart enough to secretly invite this attention. That is a clear contradiction, but it doesn't matter because he is a lunatic.

Like I said, you need to get out now. Bring friends or family with you when you break up with him and make sure that you always have someone with you for a while after that. Possessive people like that generally don't like when their "possessions" assert themselves.

I agree, his attempt to teach this guy a lesson is insane. I couldnt believe it when he said it! My friend is a lot smaller than my boyfriend and not as confrontational, whereas my boyfriend is that guy who looks for brawls with others when we go out.. I dont want to sh*t to start and no doubt il be to blame for everything.
I dont want to be controlled and right now i feel like he is pushing me to do everything his way.. No matter what i feel. Thats why i feel suffocated, he is a mean person. When i first met him he was a loving, caring (a little stupid at times) but i admired him. Now, his true side is coming out.. Its not nice to see someone i love act this way..
The worst thing being, i feel bad, he says it is me that brings this out in him.. That i bring this out of him and lead him to act insanely.. But he says its because he cares..

So i told him i didnt think he was being fair and he is saying that he needs me to change otherwise he is leaving me now.. Should i just agree and say go ahead?

[VincenzoG91]

Don't just agree that he should leave because you're not going to change. Tell him firmly that you don't want to see him anymore. Otherwise, he might decide that he can come back whenever he starts obsessing over you again, and you don't want that. Tell him clearly and directly that the relationship is over.

[bulrush]

Sounds like your bf has violent tendencies which he will soon turn on you. Get rid of him while you still can. Going to "teach him a lesson" is a BIG red flag.

[surfhb]

He needs to go but my question is:

Are these the kind of guys you are attracted too? Why would you want to be with a guy who "likes to start brawls"?

[surfhb]

The worst thing being, i feel bad, he says it is me that brings this out in him.. That i bring this out of him and lead him to act insanely.. But he says its because he cares..

Wow! You sure are a lucky girl to be with such a caring guy!!

[smackie9]

Wow I heard that too from my ex....manipulation for sure.

[HereComesTheSun]

He needs to go but my question is:

Are these the kind of guys you are attracted too? Why would you want to be with a guy who "likes to start brawls"?

Well, in the beginning he wasnt like this. I knew he could get rowdy, but that wasnt attracted me. He was quiet and shy around me, i thought it was quite cute to be honest. He never tried to sleep with me, just genuinely liked to hang out and spend time with me. When we began dating, he was always all over me, couldnt keep his hands off me. When we went out he made me feel like the most special girl in the world, always had his hand round me, always affectionate, always caring. If a guy ever used to come onto me when we first started dating, he would turn around and politely tell him to back off, and i just felt really special to him. It was amazing at first and i wouldnt ever asked for more.
He used to be so caring, for my birthday we had been dating just shy a year. My birthday gift was something he had been adding to since we met, a pandora charm bracelet with a charm for every memorable moment we had. He was just SO caring and thoughtful it was amazing.
Then things started to turn after the 18 months mark, an old friend, one of my best old friends, had invited me to the town fair one day, he said it in front of my boyfriend and my boyfriend just punched him backwards off the chair out of nowhere with no warning. I remember the shock i felt so clearly, he was never an angry person around me and i just remember that been one of the first times. Then it just got worse, if i did something he didnt like or didnt want to do, he would go into rages..Then he would feel so sorry afterward, often cry about it to me and squeeze me apologising..

It just got worse and worse and it killed me to see him like that.. I hated to see him upset so i started being more careful around him to keep these things from happening. It got to the point of me staying home all the time alone, i lost my friends, i was lonely and down all the time. I started to resent him for being able to do whatever he liked but i couldnt... It just got worse..
For the past few times we have been out together, i have met him and his friends and i am shocked to see what he is like to be honest, he will deliberately start fights with people, he and his friends will figure out ways to start brawls.. He is just a different person to when i first met him.

It has been a nightmare really, to feel this 'too good to be true' type of love and then losing it and not being able to do anything about it. I would just hope and pray he would see what he was doing, but it just never happend. Now it is to the point of him seeming to 'hate' me almost. He says he loves me too much and he doesnt know how to control it.
Its just really confusing and complicated really.. Its sad to have lost someone who i loved so much.

[surfhb]

Well, in the beginning he wasnt like this. I knew he could get rowdy, but that wasnt attracted me. He was quiet and shy around me, i thought it was quite cute to be honest. He never tried to sleep with me, just genuinely liked to hang out and spend time with me. When we began dating, he was always all over me, couldnt keep his hands off me. When we went out he made me feel like the most special girl in the world, always had his hand round me, always affectionate, always caring. If a guy ever used to come onto me when we first started dating, he would turn around and politely tell him to back off, and i just felt really special to him. It was amazing at first and i wouldnt ever asked for more.
He used to be so caring, for my birthday we had been dating just shy a year. My birthday gift was something he had been adding to since we met, a pandora charm bracelet with a charm for every memorable moment we had. He was just SO caring and thoughtful it was amazing.
Then things started to turn after the 18 months mark, an old friend, one of my best old friends, had invited me to the town fair one day, he said it in front of my boyfriend and my boyfriend just punched him backwards off the chair out of nowhere with no warning. I remember the shock i felt so clearly, he was never an angry person around me and i just remember that been one of the first times. Then it just got worse, if i did something he didnt like or didnt want to do, he would go into rages..Then he would feel so sorry afterward, often cry about it to me and squeeze me apologising..

It just got worse and worse and it killed me to see him like that.. I hated to see him upset so i started being more careful around him to keep these things from happening. It got to the point of me staying home all the time alone, i lost my friends, i was lonely and down all the time. I started to resent him for being able to do whatever he liked but i couldnt... It just got worse..
For the past few times we have been out together, i have met him and his friends and i am shocked to see what he is like to be honest, he will deliberately start fights with people, he and his friends will figure out ways to start brawls.. He is just a different person to when i first met him.

It has been a nightmare really, to feel this 'too good to be true' type of love and then losing it and not being able to do anything about it. I would just hope and pray he would see what he was doing, but it just never happend. Now it is to the point of him seeming to 'hate' me almost. He says he loves me too much and he doesnt know how to control it.
Its just really confusing and complicated really.. Its sad to have lost someone who i loved so much.

Well, I think you answered your own question then