why is he lying?

[sweetest]

hello everyone

a different question

My husband had an affiar and I found out about it.

Pretty damning evidence or so I thought.

I 'knew' that something wasn't right, he was different with me (my intuition) clicked in very soon after his affair started - within a week or two.

I confronted him, he denied it and said that i was mad.

Unknown to me, my son had captured and logged some of their conversations (fb), he also had my husband's password. I went online and pretended to be my husband and the woman went along with it.

I tipped him out.

He was still denying it even at this point.

I went to his workplace at the time he finishes one day, and she was there waiting for him. He still denied it.

I saw them coming out of his flat, he still denied it.

I have read a message he sent to her telling her amongst other things not to worry and that he loves her. He continued to deny it.

She has been round to my home to tell me what had been going on, he still denied it.

He wants for him and me to be together again, but it doesn't feel right at all.

WHY has he denied it all along.

it's ridiculous, and it annoys me that he won't admit it. It's as if he's trying to say that i'm being silly or overreacting in some way...

I don't want him now, he has hurt me too much. But i'm having real difficulty getting him to understand and accept this.

any advice will be welcome

[lahnnabell]

He's delusional. My father has this problem. Simply put, people like this truly believe that if they deny something (despite hard evidence) it is simply not true. It's manipulative, psychotic behavior really. You did the right thing by getting rid of him.

[sweetest]

@ lahnnabel

It's ridiculous, he is adamant that he's not been having an affair. It's so very obvious yet he has insisted that it wasn't a 'proper' affair.

He admits that what he did was wrong, but he will not say that they had a full affair. Which of course he has. I realise that some might say to believe him, but i can't believe him...who in their right mind would?

At first i was very upset and shocked as you can imagine (this was months ago). Then gradually i've become less and less bothered, and now tbh i'm not bothered at all about losing him. I still feel hurt by what he did but not like i did months ago, the pain seems to have gone now. I simply don't want him anymore.

He has said that he doesn't want to divorce, and I have said that it would be best. He also said that he will not sign anything or agree to a divorce. I think he must be living in some kind of world of his own.

[rafterman]

F$#K me .No wonder your new friend does'nt want to get involved,Seriously can you understand why he"s stand off-ish. Dont drag him into it. Your x is a dick.Stop analyising the situation, And stop prick teasing the new guy FFS.

[sweetest]

@ rafterman

I can see why the new guy might be standoffish. thank you for explaining. I don't want to involve him in this, and I feel terrible if he's felt that i'm sending mixed messages. I haven't told him anything to do with my ex other than i'm not with him now and that he comes over to see the kids. May be he's noticed that my ex is coming over quite a lot.

I was asking advice re: how to get my ex to understand that i no longer want to be with him. He just won't have it, and even when i tell him and spell it out to him he takes no notice and keeps turning up.

I can't stop him from coming because he says he wants to see the kids, and of course they want to see their daddy. Obviously I would prefer never to see him again, but I can't do that.

And yes, my ex isn't a very nice person. I know that now. x

[Mathias]

I was asking advice re: how to get my ex to understand that i no longer want to be with him.

Have you said this flat out and bluntly? Don't mess with the other stuff - just stick to this. He'll have to get it eventually.

[sweetest]

hello

I've told him many times. I'm trying hard and don't want to be cruel because i can see that he's not so good. I end up being drawn in to a discussiion with him which is no good.

He calls me all the time and now i've started to ignore the phone which helps a bit. I've told him not to contact me unless it's regarding the children, but he always seems to come up with a reason to call to talk about one or both of them though.

many thanks

[Wakeup]

He admits that what he did was wrong, but he will not say that they had a full affair. Which of course he has. I realise that some might say to believe him, but i can't believe him...who in their right mind would?

Perhaps he's one of the many men who can compartmentalize sex and love. Perhaps he had sex with her but because he didn't love her, he denies it was an affair. *shrugs* There are many men who don't think they're cheating if they are just using someone as a warm wet place to masturbate.

As for advice on how to get him to believe you're done with him: Heres what I think: Get a lawyer and start devorce proceedings. The first letter from you lawyer should drive it home that you're done. I would imagine he's used to you saying things but no following through and he's likely thinking this is just another one of those times. You need to have a proper visitation schedule and child support payments arranged anyway so a lawyer letter would be a good place to get that started.

[HeartIsAching]

@ lahnnabel

It's ridiculous, he is adamant that he's not been having an affair. It's so very obvious yet he has insisted that it wasn't a 'proper' affair.

He admits that what he did was wrong, but he will not say that they had a full affair. Which of course he has. I realise that some might say to believe him, but i can't believe him...who in their right mind would?

At first i was very upset and shocked as you can imagine (this was months ago). Then gradually i've become less and less bothered, and now tbh i'm not bothered at all about losing him. I still feel hurt by what he did but not like i did months ago, the pain seems to have gone now. I simply don't want him anymore.

He has said that he doesn't want to divorce, and I have said that it would be best. He also said that he will not sign anything or agree to a divorce. I think he must be living in some kind of world of his own.

Do divorce laws allow for contested divorces where you live (one party doesn't agree/sign) if there is infidelity involved? You may be able to get divorced without his consent.

My wife's ex didn't want to get divorced, she forced it under domestic violence... they'll do the same for infidelity here, too.

[sweetest]

thank you for your replies.

I've set out some of what i found out, and it wasn't difficult by any means. It's not all here, there's more. On top of all this there'll be an awful lot more that i don't know. Needless to say, what I do know and have proof of is enough and I have no intention whatsoever to probe further.

What is bugging me is that he will not be honest. I know that there's nothing that I can do to change this, but, I would in his position, at least show honesty. I do not, and never have wanted to know any detail, just the truth.

It's ridiculous. Some may say, oh just let it go. But it's so very wrong of him. To do what he did was wrong, but then to lie and to continue to lie makes it worse.

I am deserved of the truth. I was a good wife to him and am a good mummy to our children.

I know what the truth is, as does he.

He has been in touch today, and I told him that he's not worthy of my time and energy. I told him that he's a liar, and doesn't deserve me being nice to him. I put the phone down. Good riddance.

I want to live my life now, i don't want the c*** anymore. I've had six months of hell, which is six months too much. Enough's enough.

[Incognito]

I want to live my life now, i don't want the c*** anymore. I've had six months of hell, which is six months too much. Enough's enough.

^^^This is what you need to stick with. Forget getting a full, soul cleansing, confession from him because it isn't going to happen. Follow the advice of Wakeup, and HeartIsAching, they made good points. You know what happened, he knows what happened, so that is good enough. Even in the off-chance that he didn't actually sleep with this woman she was involved with him way too much for their dealings to not be considered an affair. As long as you have proof of the affair you should get a divorce lawyer. If the woman came to your house and discussed the situation before maybe she can be your evidence by giving a sworn statement to use.

[sweetest]

i just wanted to add something.

For those who think and may say, oh, he had an affair, there must have been something dreadfully wrong with their marriage - you are wrong. I too held the same view before this happened to us, how wrong I was.

If there was something dreadfully wrong, then I think I would have known.

This isn't to say that it was a 100% fantastic marriage 100% of the time. Of course we had good and not so good times.

And whoever said that happiness is a given and that we have the right to be 100% happy 100% of the time, no-one, well i certainly don't remember the registrar at our wedding following up our vows with 'it's going to be utterly fantastic every single day for the rest of your lives', of course she didn't.

Even my husband says that there was no reason (nothing wrong, and nothing that i did or didn't do) as a cause for his straying. The fact is, he had an affair because he could, and he thought that he'd get away with it and that I wouldn't find out.
His words...'I was going to finish it' and 'she means nothing to me'... this was just before I found out, ring true to me.

I believe that there are those who are inclined to stray - my husband is one such person, add to this a woman who actively pursued him and flirted openly with him without an ounce of shame, and the accessibility of fb/similiar = shed loads of opportunity = affair. Yes he was willing, of course he was, and he was nothing more than an idiot for going along with it. His friends and family know what he's done, as do his colleagues and of course, sadly, our children know. The other woman has made sure that everyone knows. She's behaved like a woman scorned, and has had since had what can only be described as an overwhelming urge to part with information and details of their affair. This information, i might add, has come about since my husband told her that he did not want her, that he loved his wife and children and ended the affair.

They have both achieved nothing other than to make fools of themselves, and big fools at that.

But sadly, there are two little ones who have been bewildered by what has happened, they've witnessed their mummy being very upset, have cried each time I have cried, and i tried so hard to not cry or show my feelings when they were around, of course I did. Even more terrible is that they miss their daddy terribly, and probably always will.

[Incognito]

In that case maybe she would be happy to assist you with a sworn statement. She might view it as an opportunity to sever the bond completely and possibly win him over. I say ask for the statement, contact the lawyer, file the papers and never look back.

[sweetest]

F$#K me .No wonder your new friend does'nt want to get involved,Seriously can you understand why he"s stand off-ish. Dont drag him into it. Your x is a dick.Stop analyising the situation, And stop prick teasing the new guy FFS.

I've not involved my 'new friend', he hasn't been dragged in to anything.

I'm not analysing anything, i was asking if anyone might know why my ex had continued to lie, that's all.

I doubt very much that others around my age & the age of my ex and 'my friend' don't have history of a past relationship(s).

As for p**** teasing, as you so politely put it, I do as i wish, i chat with who i wish, and i dress as i wish. If guys want to calll that p**** teasing then that's their problem, they're in control of their thoughts, not me. Just because i might chat, flirt, appear as an attractive lady/take care of myself & dress nicely, it doesn't mean that i want to make love with a guy, it takes a lot more than that for me to even so much as think about being intimate with someone. I have my self respect, and i intend to keep it.

[rafterman]

I've not involved my 'new friend', he hasn't been dragged in to anything.

I'm not analysing anything, i was asking if anyone might know why my ex had continued to lie, that's all.

I doubt very much that others around my age & the age of my ex and 'my friend' don't have history of a past relationship(s).

As for p**** teasing, as you so politely put it, I do as i wish, i chat with who i wish, and i dress as i wish. If guys want to calll that p**** teasing then that's their problem, they're in control of their thoughts, not me. Just because i might chat, flirt, appear as an attractive lady/take care of myself & dress nicely, it doesn't mean that i want to make love with a guy, it takes a lot more than that for me to even so much as think about being intimate with someone. I have my self respect, and i intend to keep it.

Well yes, my words were a little harsh. However Im am very direct. Your ex is liar, as YOU know. I suggest you tie up any loose ends with your ex and then continue to flirt with your new friend. But DO NOT drag him into it if you wish to have any sort of chance.Guys dont like it when girls bring baggage into a relationship.BTW you flammed me in post #5 theres no need to do it again.This my advice. Take it or leave it. TIA