Losing your loved one to death vs. being dumped...

[Kyeema]

My uncle died on Wednesday after being together with my aunt for 49 years. They loved each other deeply and were happy together even through the roughest times.

My aunt is devastated. Being on her own is incredibly hard, it's like a part of herself is missing. How else could she feel after so many years?

But still I think that this kind of letting go is "easier" somehow than letting go after you've been dumped. Of course you are going through the same stages of grief but isn't it somehow a different kind of pain you're going through? You will always know that the person gone loved you and will always love you, knowing he did not choose to leave you but simply had to go to another world where he is now waiting for you. Knowing this must be consoling somehow, isn't it? It's different from the pain of not being loved any more, leaving you with the question of what was wrong with you so that he couldn't love you the way you loved him.

I don't really know how to explain...

And I know you will think I am crazy because I feel this way. But I'd really like to know what you think about this... so what do you think?

[Hollowfox]

You're not crazy at all. It is actually proven that a break-up is more painfull mostly. How about the fact that the person who dumped you still walks and talks and can confront you with what happened every day? This alone can keep the grief alive for eternity.

[MaidenMinx]

I think it depends on the time spent together and how happy they were.

You hear about it all the time, couples that have been together for decades, one passes away and then within a few months the other passes away. It often appears as though the person left behind can not live without their other half.

[DodgerDog]

Grief does follow death and breaking up. It follows breaking up except if, for instance, you hated each other and couldn't stand to be around each other. If your relationship was bad, breaking up is sometimes the best thing to happen. There can be hundreds of reason why people break up. Often, the want/need to break up isn't mutually felt in a relationship. So at least one person is left hurting. Sometimes both are left hurting.

In my experience, I find some comfort in knowing that, even though we are broken up, my ex girlfriend still walks, breathes and hopefully has many decades of life left to live. I won't be part of her life ever again and she won't be part of mine, but I think I'd be hurting so, so much more if she no longer existed. As of when we broke up, I didn't hate her. I was hurt, but I wish her only the best that life can offer.

Your aunt and uncle seemed to have a good relationship thus, making it that much more painful on your aunt. When you're not in a good relationship, the loss of your partner hurts, but usually not as much as when you were in a good relationship.

If a relationship ends painfully, with question about what reason there could have been for the your partner leaving, then there was probably a reasonable lack of communication. Some people don't see the end coming until the partner tells them that they have to go. Others, like myself, did see it coming. So it's shocking for some, not for others.

Communication or lack of communication are key to a better or worse relationship.

[Vanessa]

I get what you're saying, I don't think you're crazy, but they're different situations. Losing someone you love to death is indeed really painful, and it might seem easier to recover from because once they're gone there's nothing else you can do and there's not as much room for 'what ifs'. When you're dumped you might tend to think you did something wrong, obsess about it, you feel rejected, hurt, unloved and so on. In the first situation your partner loved you but was taken away by fate, while in the second they leave you by choice, so that's why I feel they can't really be compared.

[pisces25]

Some people still feel the 'why did you have to leave me!' type thing when someone dies. Grief is very individual to the circumstances and person experiencing it.

As for asking what is wrong with you to make someone leave you the answer is absolutely nothing. Relationships are impermenant, our loved ones will leave us at some point whether by death or choosing to (or us choosing to). It's life. It is not reflection on yourself as a person.

When we dedicate our whole life to our partner then we are going to feel lost, sad, empty etc when they eventually leave us. Which is why even in a relationship retaining our individual sense of identity is important, so when the time comes the impact isn't as devestating as it would be if we were truly living just for that other person. That is when utter despair and the 'I can't without him/her' type thing occurs.

We must always be prepared for the day someone we love could leave us as it is 100% going to happen.

[Vanessa]

Some people still feel the 'why did you have to leave me!' type thing when someone dies. Grief is very individual to the circumstances and person experiencing it.

Yes, that's true indeed. Each person deals with grief in their own way. But there's never an answer for that question. Except for suicide cases, death doesn't happen by choice so there's no reason behind it.

As for asking what is wrong with you to make someone leave you the answer is absolutely nothing. Relationships are impermenant, our loved ones will leave us at some point whether by death or choosing to (or us choosing to). It's life. It is not reflection on yourself as a person.

I have to contradict you on this one. I'm not saying that it's a general rule, because it's not. Feelings fade, people change, relationships come and go, but sometimes they end because of someone's mistakes. For instance, cheating, lies, being way too clingy or God knows what else. And even if their loved one leaves because they simply no longer have feelings for them, some people might blame it on themselves, thinking 'this wouldn't have happened if I acted differently / if I looked differently / if I paid more attention' etc, even though it wouldn't have changed anything. These thoughts could be due to general insecurities that person has, having nothing to do with the relationship, but they still happen.

[pisces25]

I have to contradict you on this one. I'm not saying that it's a general rule, because it's not. Feelings fade, people change, relationships come and go, but sometimes they end because of someone's mistakes. For instance, cheating, lies, being way too clingy or God knows what else. And even if their loved one leaves because they simply no longer have feelings for them, some people might blame it on themselves, thinking 'this wouldn't have happened if I acted differently / if I looked differently / if I paid more attention' etc, even though it wouldn't have changed anything. These thoughts could be due to general insecurities that person has, having nothing to do with the relationship, but they still happen.

My point was ALL relationships end at some point. Accepting this from day one of meeting someone gives people a greater chance of not having an unhealthy attachment to them. Why don't we celebrate when we break up? Why can't we go 'wow that was an AMAZING ten years , thankyou. All the best'. Instead we scream, cry, mourn, etc. It is all about perspective. IMO KNOWING the relationship is not permanent makes it easier to move on when it is a bad r/ship and similarly if I get dumped, yes it's painful, but I know from the outset we have/had to part at some point and I will have other relationships. We are with people because we WANT to be. If someone doesn't want to be with me anymore, totally up to them. How can I blame them for that? Or blame myself that I did something wrong?

[Mathias]

It is actually proven that a break-up is more painfull mostly.

Oh, I'd LOVE to see this.

[Wakeup]

My uncle died on Wednesday after being together with my aunt for 49 years. They loved each other deeply and were happy together even through the roughest times.

My aunt is devastated. Being on her own is incredibly hard, it's like a part of herself is missing. How else could she feel after so many years?

But still I think that this kind of letting go is "easier" somehow than letting go after you've been dumped. Of course you are going through the same stages of grief but isn't it somehow a different kind of pain you're going through? You will always know that the person gone loved you and will always love you, knowing he did not choose to leave you but simply had to go to another world where he is now waiting for you. Knowing this must be consoling somehow, isn't it? It's different from the pain of not being loved any more, leaving you with the question of what was wrong with you so that he couldn't love you the way you loved him.

I don't really know how to explain...

And I know you will think I am crazy because I feel this way. But I'd really like to know what you think about this... so what do you think?

I'm sorry, but that's got to be one of THE most selfish pieces I think I've read in here. You need to check your ego at the door, darl'n. How the **** can you say it's easier or even think it must be easier when someone is stolen from you through death then it is being dumped by some fvcktard?

I've come to the conclusion (after reading that) that your ego is more bruised than your heart ever was over this guy you keep writing about in here.

"They'll be Waiting for you in another world?" O.0

Your self esteem must need a total over-haul if you think that it would be easier to lose someone who REALLY loved you and you really loved them through death than from this ego blow you lament about so often.

Sorry Doll.. Breaking up hurts but when you actually love someone (even if they dumped you) you are happy they're not dead and within, you wish them well even though you are hurting.

Heres Something to think about. Stop pitying yourself and snap the fvck out of it. stop the thought process that somehow you were'nt good enough.

You're not crazy at all. It is actually proven that a break-up is more painfull mostly. How about the fact that the person who dumped you still walks and talks and can confront you with what happened every day? This alone can keep the grief alive for eternity.

The only thing that keeps grief alive for eternity is the "Post Here Instead of Contacting Your Ex" thread.

P.S. My condolences to your Aunt. She was with her man longer than she was without him. That's a huge adjustement she'll have to endure.

[DannyH]

This is why when one person passes from an old couple married for 50+ years that their spouse usually passes as well shortly after. My first girl I was with was killed in 98 I still feel worse then after that then any breakup that ever happened. Dead is dead there is no chance of them coming back yet a break-up sucks but your both still alive. Most of the time break-ups suck is because you want the person back since your used to them. I'd rather be dumped then have the person I love ripped away from my life by being killed.

[Jenswaiting]

I'm going to have to second both Pisces and Wakeup. The hardest thing to realise with all relationships (and everything else in life) is that they are transient. Life goes on. The true struggle in all relationships is bonding and attachment. With attachment comes suffering. I'm so aware of this and trying to work on my own issues with attachment and not continuously grasp or hold onto another as this causes more suffering. To be honest no one is worth that amount of pain. Though Wakeup's message is harsh, I think it has truth in it. Did you truly love this person? With love comes forgiveness and the ability to let go.

I've lost someone very special to death and I'm still getting over it. It has been one of the most difficult and painful things I have had to cope with in my life. Like everyone else I've had a number of break ups, but what made the break-ups difficult was that I didn't want to let go. All I can suggest to you is to stop causing yourself so much pain. Whether or not you were to blame for the relationship ending isn't the point, moving on and letting go is. If you live your life in the past, where does that leave you?

[Wakeup]

Attachment issues as well as needing to control and control being ripped from you, Kyeema. I think you may do well to read "Codependent No More" so that you give up your need to control outcomes. After reading your opening post I think you feeling out of control is stagnating your ability to let go of this man you lament about. Afterall you accept that you have no control over death so you think it would be easier for you to endure.

[Kyeema]

I'm sorry, but that's got to be one of THE most selfish pieces I think I've read in here. You need to check your ego at the door, darl'n.

Wakeup and everybody agreeing to this would you please tell me what is selfish about comparing two different kinds of loss and wondering which is easier to cope with???

How the **** can you say it's easier or even think it must be easier when someone is stolen from you through death then it is being dumped by some fvcktard?

Because I don't know... I have never lost a partner to death so I can only have my own thoughts about grieving this kind of loss and I am not claiming what I think to be right or wrong. I was just wondering. And I was just talking about whether it's easier to let go and move on with your life after the loss and not choosing between two kinds of loss. How can YOU even think and imply that?

I've come to the conclusion (after reading that) that your ego is more bruised than your heart ever was over this guy you keep writing about in here.

Wakeup, you are absolutely right. I never loved him at all. It's all just my bruised ego...

Sorry Doll.. Breaking up hurts but when you actually love someone (even if they dumped you) you are happy they're not dead and within, you wish them well even though you are hurting.

Has anybody ever said anything else??? I mean except for you here in this quote where you imply differently - which is actually pretty sick as I think.

But still I think that this kind of letting go is "easier" somehow than letting go after you've been dumped. Of course you are going through the same stages of grief but isn't it somehow a different kind of pain you're going through? You will always know that the person gone loved you and will always love you, knowing he did not choose to leave you but simply had to go to another world where he is now waiting for you. Knowing this must be consoling somehow, isn't it? It's different from the pain of not being loved any more, leaving you with the question of what was wrong with you so that he couldn't love you the way you loved him.

That's all I wrote. Wondering if letting go of someone who dies was easier. If when you grieve it's consoling to know you are still loved. Perhaps it can't even be compared... Of course it is way worse if your partner dies, simply because they are not there any more to live and enjoy their own lives. But that was never the topic here. I was only talking about getting over the loss and grieving and getting on with your own life afterwards.

As for my ex - I think I don't have to explain here that on one level I wish him all the best and happiness while on another I still hate him for leaving me with all this crap - because everyone who ever suffered from breakup knows how this ambiguity feels. But while the hate, the anger, the despair, the sadness and all the negative rest will (hopefully) be gone some day soon, my love never will. So at the moment I am switching between the anger and depression stages...

And I do believe that love lasts till after death. I believe that our gone loved ones await us when we die. You can mock me as much as you like Wakeup, I don't mind. I also don't mind you offending and affronting me, that's just the way you are. I've read many of your posts. You're a highly intelligent person, but I feel some of your posts do show a lack of sensitivity and empathy that's shocking me. You know, you don't need to be cruel to tell he truth. You don't have to hurt people so they learn. People who come here have been hurt enough. And if people don't act the way you think will help them you tend to get impatient and start provoking. As if it's not going fast enough for you - but it's not about you, it's about them and they have the right to lament on and on until they are ready to let go. If you don't like it, why don't you simply stop reading their posts? Or ask yourself if perhaps, only perhaps, your way of seeing things could just be not working for the person you write to and they need something different. Here in this thread e.g. you didn't even understand my post, you didn't even get what I was writing about, you assumed something (which makes it yours btw), still you were quick at offending me. But that's just what you like to do. I don't care and I don't mind. We all do cope with life differently. So thanks for your post anyway.

stop the thought process that somehow you were'nt good enough.

This is true, but unfortunately it's just a phrase again which I have told myself so many times, which I have heard so many times before, but nobody so far was able to tell me how to actually do that. You neither. Just throwing the wisdom doesn't help. Telling how to do that would.

The only thing that keeps grief alive for eternity is the "Post Here Instead of Contacting Your Ex" thread.

I also don't get why you still stick around here in this forum where according to your posts everybody is just "lamenting" and "keeping grief" instead of "simply letting go" by NC. According to you we all do the wrong thing posting here, we should just forget about our ex-es all together. Good if this worked for you so easily, without having to post here again and again. Too bad that it doesn't work for me that easily.

P.S. My condolences to your Aunt. She was with her man longer than she was without him. That's a huge adjustement she'll have to endure.

Thanks for the condolences. Indeed it will be hard for her, I imagine it like missing a limb or so... at least that's the way I feel after 8 years sometimes... how must it feel for her after 49 years?

Thank you all for your comments here, I really appreciate your input!

[Kyeema]

This is why when one person passes from an old couple married for 50+ years that their spouse usually passes as well shortly after. My first girl I was with was killed in 98 I still feel worse then after that then any breakup that ever happened. Dead is dead there is no chance of them coming back yet a break-up sucks but your both still alive. Most of the time break-ups suck is because you want the person back since your used to them.

Sorry to hear that...

I'd rather be dumped then have the person I love ripped away from my life by being killed.

I don't think you even have to mention that, do you? Of course every one of us would be rather dumped than losing the person you love to death.

But that was never the topic here. I was just wondering about the letting go afterwards... as you say, sometimes you want the person back after breaking up, this makes it harder to let go. When someone dies, this option no longer exists. You HAVE to let go, there is no choice. Perhaps that's the crux here: you have to get yourself to the point where the option of getting the person back no longer exists.