After 3 years: GF less into me the past weeks

[LoneWolfie]

Well, I'm glad you considered all those details. Sounds like she wants a break to see what else she can find. She probably gets the attention of men at the clubs and perhaps wants to be free to experiment with that in a situation where she knows word won't get back to you. Having made your statement though probably took away her freedom to stretch the truth to you.

It sucks, but it really looks like she's bored. She wants something different. While she's afraid of leaving the familiar, she's also equally afraid of staying in something that won't make her happy.

It's odd though that she seems to immediately be depressed and heavily upset and hurting herself physically. After talking to her a little while again since my last post, she admitted she still wants or wishes i would be her BF / husband in the future. But little comments i made the past year about going to miss certain things in our hometown etc made her fully believe it would be cruel for me to uproot myself to follow her to another country. The problem is that i am a nostalgic person and i fondly think about stuff i used to do and miss. Not in a depressed way but a nostalgic happy "aawh, those were some good times. Gonna miss that" kind of way.
I tried to make it clear to her that she seems to misinterpert those passing comments as signs that i would be unhappy in the new country. While infact i would be very capable of visiting my hometown several times a year for little nostalgic trips if i feel so inclined. Like i said in my previous post, im easy with that. Hell, at the moment i think fondly back to my first paperroute and say i miss it. Doesnt mean i am unhappy with my upcoming job in the IT or feel the need to get a paper route again. Same with how i miss college life and living the easy, simple life when i lived with my parents. Doesnt mean i want to move back in with them.

When talking about the 'feeling special' subject, she admitted she doesnt really know how to explain. She just feels that i could get someone similiar or better than her in my hometown and not have to worry about moving to another country or put up with her issues. When asked, she confirmed i always showed i cared for her and did things to make her feel special. So it's not that i got sloppy and took her for granted. She let slip that she sees herself as replacable and just another girl. I told her that i think maybe it's more to do with her self esteem issues and depression coming back insted of her true value in our relationship, and thus might very well feel the same problem with other guys. She couldnt really reply to that and just looked like she was deeply thinking about it for a while.

In her current state of mind, i am not sure it made anything click inside her. You could be right Lahnnabell and she might be unhappy and bored with the relationship and she might use a small sense of guilt as a 'way out' and do what she believes is best for us/me while infact she's bored and wants to be free. But if she wanted that, her offer and promise to not date anymore or sleep with anyone the coming months would be odd and counterproductive to what she wants. It was her idea actually.

What seems to hurt her the most is the fact that i am going to make a clean break with her as soon as she 'moves on' and get her out of my life. I told her my reasoning, which is that i refuse to be a doormat and make the mistake i made with previous girls that broke my heart and wanted me to stay friends so they could have their cake and eat it, feel good about themselves for offering me what women seem to think is a "2nd prize" while im unable to properly break away and move on aswell. Besides, i respect and love her and i know my frustration and heartache will result in any friendship being tainted by bitterness, grief and hoping and manipulating her if she starts seeing someone else. When that time comes i want to atleast be able to look her in the eyes, thank her for the good times and wish her happiness and walk away. I also think it's respectful to future relationships to no longer have an ex in your life that will always make you feel "what if".

That's good right? No matter how desperate she feels she needs me and wants me as a friend, i should stand my ground. I'm really sorry for the pain it causes her but i know it will be worse if i attempt to stay friends while she eventually starts dating and sleeping with other guys.

[lahnnabell]

In her current state of mind, i am not sure it made anything click inside her. You could be right Lahnnabell and she might be unhappy and bored with the relationship and she might use a small sense of guilt as a 'way out' while feeling she is doing what's right for us while infact she's bored and wants to be free. But if she wanted that, her offer and promise to not date anymore or sleep with anyone the coming months would be odd and counterproductive to what she wants. It was her idea actually.

People make promises like this all the time. It breeds resentment and frustration though. I think she made this promise to make you feel better about the situation so that you'll give her enough space and not bother her about details. In the long run she could be hoping that if she just holds out, your feelings will fade, or you'll become frustrated enough to move on and she won't have to do the dirty work of officially breaking up with you.

She could even by lying about her intentions.

And yeah, she's scared and sad because she isn't sure if her decision was the right one.

What seems to hurt her the most is the fact that i am going to make a clean break with her as soon as she 'moves on' and get her out of my life. I told her my reasoning, which is that i refuse to be a doormat and make the mistake i made with previous girls that broke my heart and wanted me to stay friends so they could have their cake and eat it, feel good about themselves for offering me what women seem to think is a "2nd prize" while im unable to properly break away and move on aswell. Besides, i respect and love her and i know my frustration and heartache will result in any friendship being tainted by bitterness, grief and hoping and manipulating her if she starts seeing someone else. When that time comes i want to atleast be able to look her in the eyes, thank her for the good times and wish her happiness and walk away. I also think it's respectful to future relationships to no longer have an ex in your life that will always make you feel "what if".

Yes, this is very good. Hold to this. In my eyes, the strongest men are the ones who hold true to their convictions. And though you may hurt now, it'll set you up to be a stronger person for the next one that comes along. I don't think your ex expected you to make such a strong, blatant statement. She may have thought because of your previous behavior that you'd wait around for a while. Don't do it. Keep to the standards you've set for yourself.

This is why it is so important to constantly know and understand your own worth. If a person decides to break up with you, don't look at it like, "Why doesn't this awesome person want me anymore?" Instead, think... "I'm not perfect, and I've learned a lot. If this person doesn't want me, then it wasn't right. I'll find someone else."

[LoneWolfie]

People make promises like this all the time. It breeds resentment and frustration though. I think she made this promise to make you feel better about the situation so that you'll give her enough space and not bother her about details. In the long run she could be hoping that if she just holds out, your feelings will fade, or you'll become frustrated enough to move on and she won't have to do the dirty work of officially breaking up with you.

She could even by lying about her intentions.

And yeah, she's scared and sad because she isn't sure if her decision was the right one.



Yes, this is very good. Hold to this. In my eyes, the strongest men are the ones who hold true to their convictions. And though you may hurt now, it'll set you up to be a stronger person for the next one that comes along. I don't think your ex expected you to make such a strong, blatant statement. She may have thought because of your previous behavior that you'd wait around for a while. Don't do it. Keep to the standards you've set for yourself.

This is why it is so important to constantly know and understand your own worth. If a person decides to break up with you, don't look at it like, "Why doesn't this awesome person want me anymore?" Instead, think... "I'm not perfect, and I've learned a lot. If this person doesn't want me, then it wasn't right. I'll find someone else."

Well, you dont know her when it comes to promises though. She makes them extremely rarely and woe to you if you break your promise to her or lie to her. She once lied to me about something rather minor and was upset about it for a long time. Truth and promises are two concepts she values EXTREMELY much.

Of course your reasoning that she could be letting me do the dirty work of breaking up officially could be just as likely. Her lying about her intentions, hmmm, not so sure, would go against her usual character but maybe her morals are more flexible now that she decided to break up with me. Still, this whole reasoning behind breaking up with me seems more complicated than that. I even flat out told her that if she didnt love me enough anymore or if she was tired of being in the relationship, or wanted to see other people she should just tell me and that it would actually be easier for me to understand. She replied that she can't just stop loving me suddenly and that there is no other person she is interested in. If that's the full truth, well she's human so dispite her strong morals about truth and promises, i'll never know for certain unless she changes her mind.

As for your last comment. Can i do both? hehe. I do think "why doesn't this awesome person want me anymore?" but i also think i learned a lot and would be able to do better in a new relationship with someone else as a result. And if she doesnt want me, meh, she'll just prove her point about not being special after all.

I am inclined to accept getting back together if i feel she's been truthful about staying out of someone else's bed and we had a good talk about all the reasons for breaking up and settled them all to avoid a repeat. Knowing her though, she would be literally not possible to keep it a secret even if i had no way of finding out, and she knows this. So if she wants to keep the option to get back together open she isnt going to risk losing that option, and my friendship, until she's certain she wants to move on without me.

In the meantime though, i'm focusing on myself, getting over this upcoming break up, and if an interesting dating oppertunity comes by i will not hesitate to take it if my GF, sorry...ex-GF (ouch...thats gonna take some getting used to) hasnt gotten her act together yet.

[LoneWolfie]

Well the past 48 hours have been kinda crappy.

Interestingly, in a MSN chat we had yesterday i mentioned i hope she will change how she feels about the reasons for breaking up, or that i am able to change her mind. She replied that she also hopes she will change her mind or that i am able to change it for her.

Last night she asked if we could spend a little time doing something together and we spent about 1 hour watching something together. I made some attempts to restate my point of view on the situation and reassure her i wont be unhappy when/if we move to the other country and that she is as special to me as she feels i am to her. I asked if that had any effect at all and she said that maybe it had a little bit. Though it seems she still firmly believes she had no choice but to do this.

I am not entirely sure anymore what the best approach would be. The only ones that have a chance of convincing her to resume the relationship and not make me turn into a total spineless loser are:

1. - Spend time with her as friends when she asks for it but not make any attempts at convincing her she's making a mistake. Staying as positive and pleasant as i normally am, or am able to, might keep her associating me with good times and strength, and not a heartbroken emotional wreck.
On the other hand it might give her the wrong impression that i am fine with being friends in the long run afterall. Now as i said in an earlier post i made it absolutely clear to her that the moment she gets romantic or sexually involved with someone else, im going no-contact forever. She's clearly terrified about losing me and appears to prefer being friends in the long run so she will not 'lose me' but will be unable to 'hurt me'.

2. - Become unavailable to her, give her little to no attention and avoid spending time with her. Make her see what it would be like if she moved on and i break all contact as i told her i would when she moves on. Considering how terrified she is of losing me all together, it might make her review her decision very thoroughly. On the other hand, she might slip further from me and 'forget' about me.

3. - Mix it up: Contact would be mostly passive but not ignoring or avoiding her, giving her space when she wants, but certainly not being there for her at her beck and call. Basically giving her the same attention i give my friends, no better or worse. I wont attempt to appear to feel better than i do, nor will i exaggerate my sadness. When the subject comes up, i'll simply state i feel crap about it, understand that she feels the way she feels, but that i believe her reasons and decision are misguided, followed up by small attempt to make her see it my way.


This is probably a natural reaction a 'dumpee' has but i am reviewing if i would like her back, and i very much would like that. Though there is the risk lahnnabell is right and she's looking for some freedom because she's still young, or might be bored of the relationship, i am inclined to believe she believes she's 'protecting' me and is being truthful about her reasons. I can tell by her past behaviour where she easily got upset and worried she might do something to hurt me, doubting if she was good enough and trying to protect me. This behaviour of hers would fit that.

Sadly i still think she's breaking up over the wrong reasons. Stubborn as she can be, she never communicated her worries sooner, so now they turned from molehills into mountains and she's convinced that's the way it is.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Cut all contact. Next time she contacts you, tell her not to talk to you for anything, unless it is to get back together. Ignore any further contact that does not begin with, "I want to get back together."

Or you can be a spineless loser. Your choice.

[LoneWolfie]

Cut all contact. Next time she contacts you, tell her not to talk to you for anything, unless it is to get back together. Ignore any further contact that does not begin with, "I want to get back together."

Or you can be a spineless loser. Your choice.

Maybe you are right. It's a brutal one to properly execute though, and doesnt do anything to reassure her her reasons for breaking up are invalid.

[lahnnabell]

Maybe you are right. It's a brutal one to properly execute though, and doesnt do anything to reassure her her reasons for breaking up are invalid.

That depends on what her desired result was in the first place. Perhaps she's hoping you develop more of your own agenda (as we've previously talked about). It might make her realize some things. But you can't make changing her mind your only goal. You have to live your life for you.

[LoneWolfie]

That depends on what her desired result was in the first place. Perhaps she's hoping you develop more of your own agenda (as we've previously talked about). It might make her realize some things. But you can't make changing her mind your only goal. You have to live your life for you.

I am quite confident her desired result is avoiding me getting hurt.
Indeed, changing her mind is one goal but the most important goal is having a happy life. Developing my own agenda is probably the safest option for myself while still allowing a door open while it's not yet too late to resume a relationship.

But when she does come back i'm going to only do it when we have properly talked these reasons out of our system so they dont come back again 6 months later.

[LoneWolfie]

Well, i have been trying to keep busy since my last post here.

My (ex)gf seems to be feeling good again, and still believes she didnt have a choice but to do this.

We talked a little bit, at first about how she feels about things. Was a good talk and it turns out she was really pissed off at me reacting with a "sure, why not" when that female friend of mine wanted to send some underwear photoshoot pictures. She expected i would decline it as she felt it was inappropriate. And i guess she's right because i felt i did something out of line the moment i saw the first picture and went to her to tell her about it.
Appearantly that to her felt like a small breach of trust. Ii mentioned i didnt know the pictures were as sexy as the girl stated up front, as she mentioned she showed them proudly to her own mom and all friends, but i promised i wouldnt accept girls showing or sending me pictures that could be inappropriate, and that i now know what she finds acceptable pictures or not.

There was still a little anger and 'breach-of-trust' feeling on her side but us talking thoroughly about it might make that fade away the coming days.

We talked about the other reasons for this break and she listened but after a while got a bit annoyed, stating 'this isnt a break if we talk about and discuss it 24/7 till i get upset'. She then added a metaphor that's typical of hers:

"Think of me as a kitty cat"
"Stop jabbing me with a stick and let me come to you"
"If you jab me with a stick im less likely to want to sit on your lap for a stroke"
"You can still try and pet me like you would with a kitty"
"Petting being talking about it and trying to fix it btw"
"But if i squirm and dont like it im more likely to come and sit on your lap later if you let me go"

I replied with a joke: "yeah sorry, i was trying to cure you by shoving a pound of penicilline down your kitty throat"

She laughed at that, then we had some casual small talk that felt pleasant and natural. And that's the last time either of us initiated any contact. I think it might be a good sign she was expressing what helps her get back to me best.

Dunno, do you people still think 0 contact until she decides to get back together is the best option? Or would a little bit of small talk every few days and gentle attempts at reasoning with her about her concerns be the better option?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Yes, zero contact is the way to go you spineless loser. All you're doing is being clingy, not respecting the break, and pushing her away further. Just shut up. Ignore contact. Show her that you're fine without her, and not by saying that, just by showing you're capable of being happy without her.

Keep doing what you're doing now, and she'll be the one going no contact on you, and it will be much easier for her to ignore you.

[LoneWolfie]

Yes, zero contact is the way to go you spineless loser. All you're doing is being clingy, not respecting the break, and pushing her away further. Just shut up. Ignore contact. Show her that you're fine without her, and not by saying that, just by showing you're capable of being happy without her.

Keep doing what you're doing now, and she'll be the one going no contact on you, and it will be much easier for her to ignore you.

Hah, subtle. xD but thanks, you spiney jerk

[LoneWolfie]

Turns out it's really hard to stick to the no-contact thing. Especially since she sends me messages a few times a day when i'm online. Just her making small talk and being a 'friend'.
So far i have not ignored her, which sounds weak but i would like to add that i never ignore messages even if they are from people i barely know because i dont want to be rude. But maybe i should harden my heart and give her a taste of what it would be like to no longer have me in her life.

Last friday she felt good but that only lasted half a day or so, since then she's been feeling crap/aweful again about losing me. Though that could be her fear of losing me as a friend aswell if she makes the break final. At any rate, last night she got quite drunk and it is kinda rare for her to drink alone as i have only seen her do that when she wants to drown out her depression or sorrow.

Plan for now is to not initiate any contact between today and friday. Question is...do i really have to ignore her attempts at smalltalk etc or can i give her a short acknowledging reply? Could that backfire if i really ignore her or pretend to be doing fine? It might very well cause her to feel strengthened in the idea she's bad for me and nothing special.

[lahnnabell]

Turns out it's really hard to stick to the no-contact thing. Especially since she sends me messages a few times a day when i'm online. Just her making small talk and being a 'friend'.
So far i have not ignored her, which sounds weak but i would like to add that i never ignore messages even if they are from people i barely know because i dont want to be rude. But maybe i should harden my heart and give her a taste of what it would be like to no longer have me in her life.

Last friday she felt good but that only lasted half a day or so, since then she's been feeling crap/aweful again about losing me. Though that could be her fear of losing me as a friend aswell if she makes the break final. At any rate, last night she got quite drunk and it is kinda rare for her to drink alone as i have only seen her do that when she wants to drown out her depression or sorrow.

Plan for now is to not initiate any contact between today and friday. Question is...do i really have to ignore her attempts at smalltalk etc or can i give her a short acknowledging reply? Could that backfire if i really ignore her or pretend to be doing fine? It might very well cause her to feel strengthened in the idea she's bad for me and nothing special.

She's feeling insecure. She's used to you chasing her around and now that she doesn't have that anymore, she's unsure of where you guys stand. She doesn't want to commit and lose her freedom (as it seems she's at least somewhat enjoying having no one to answer to), but when she's alone (not gaming or clubbing) she wants you around. She can't have you there at the snap of her fingers, and you need to harden yourself a little. She has no way of truly appreciating you because you haven't been valuing yourself.

This is exactly why we all told you to back off. Now you're stuck here trying to do damage control and playing the "who should talk to who first" game. Sucks doesn't it? Problem is, you said you like to spend time doing solitary activities which leaves you plenty of time to talk to her. I think you should shut off the computer and go out with your friends.

[LoneWolfie]

Yeah it does suck Lahnnebell, i hate it when people are right, hah.

Ok backing off i agree with and the past days i have been slowly getting better at that. She should talk to me first, and she does that in 90% of the exchanges the past days. I plan to make that 100% the coming week, wish me luck please!

Question is, if she texts me or messages me, or phones me, or even comes around to my house wtf do i do? Ignore her? Kick her out? Act cold and distant? Not reply at all? Or maybe a "ok" "that's nice" acknowledgement? Or warm and friendly?

Sorry for my stubbornness and persistance. This whole thing is new to me.

[lahnnabell]

Yeah it does suck Lahnnebell, i hate it when people are right, hah.

Ok backing off i agree with and the past days i have been slowly getting better at that. She should talk to me first, and she does that in 90% of the exchanges the past days. I plan to make that 100% the coming week, wish me luck please!

Question is, if she texts me or messages me, or phones me, or even comes around to my house wtf do i do? Ignore her? Kick her out? Act cold and distant? Not reply at all? Or maybe a "ok" "that's nice" acknowledgement? Or warm and friendly?

Sorry for my stubbornness and persistance. This whole thing is new to me.

Don't encourage her to come around. I know you WANT her to come around, but it's not doing you guys any good chasing each other like this. I know you're afraid that if you're cold to her that she'll just forget about you. You need to believe you're worth more than that though. She was not put here to better your self-esteem, only you can do that.

I think you should go no contact. Doing this half and half BS is just confusing and frustrating you both. Now you're in an insecure, codependent mess of a relationship and you both have no idea where to go from here. "Tell her, y'know I said I'd be here if you wanted to work things out, but I'm not going to indulge your need to stay in my life if you're just going to mess me around. I want to be with you, and I think you need some serious time to figure out what it is you really want." Be nice. It's going to hurt, but it'll force her to make a decision so that you're both not stuck in this sorry limbo. Right now you're just playing around, trying to see who wants who more. Call her bluff like you should've before.

If you can't manage to do no contact... only respond when she actually has something of value to say. Let's say she texts you "How are you?" Be cordial, and tell her you're fine. Ask her how she is, if you want, but don't let the conversation drag on. Put your phone on silent afterward so that you won't be inclined to respond to every text. Go to a movie with friends. Better yet, go out with friends and leave your phone at home! I do this when I want a serious night to de-stress and be away from work, boyfriend, or whatever.

But really, no contact is best.

Also, she will try to negotiate. She'll try to say that she won't contact you, or maybe she'll even want to get back together suddenly. She still needs time. If she wants to get back together so easily it's usually out of insecurity and fear and not the honest decision that she truly wants to be with you. People who take short breaks all the time are just putting off the inevitable horrific break-up down the road... I've been through it and many of my friends have been through it.