How can one live with themselves...a.k.a Destroyed

[rush]

I sit here today lost in a world of complete utter pain.
9 years ago, I met a woman who I fell in Love with and eventually asked her to move with me to another state, away from her family and friends after a year of being with her.

We are now split up...something I never felt could or "would" happen, but the reality that I HAVE to face is...this could be the end.
The last two months have been a complete game of mental hopscotch . She has not been around for nearly 2 months in the house we live in. She has been seeing another guy. It wasnt until recently we began speaking again. WE understood where we stand as I now have been forced to find another place. She as well has gotten another place [all the while paying for our place at the same time ::scratches head::]

This past weekend, we came together and started ironing things out. Talking helped bring things into perspective.
She completely stands firm on what she needs...time and space. I have no choice to give that to her, although...honestly I have found it tough to do so being that she just shows up here at the house as alot of her belongings still remain.
The weekend seemed to be a break through point for us...finally, I was able to make a connection again.

We both realize that we still love and care deeply for one another,although a rocky relationship for 9 years and multiple break ups, we have always found each other back in each ones arms.
We found ourselves making love through out the weekend and I remember asking her if she had slept with this guy she was seeing. She told me no, but i didnt believe her. She said that at times the guy is psycho and treats her bad whether verbally or mentally [ ie: telling her that if she didnt look good enough to get back into the bathroom until she did] however...
Early morning I couldnt get it out of my head, I just didnt believe her,so...I grabbed her cell phone and read the entire novel of her and this guy. She had lied to me. I was still reading the tip end of her texts when she woke and she looked at me and asked me what was wrong. I gave her phone back to her and she knew that I knew. Some nasty things were said on my part, and I found out she didnt use protection because this guy wanted a baby and she was prepared to give him one [for what reason she would even THINK of doing this is beyond me,though she has stated she is in a @#$@ed up mental state]

The only thing I could think of was now I had to go to the doctor and get checked.
I couldnt believe she lied to me..I felt smaller than a ant,it attacked my ego and my sanity.
This isnt the worst part of it however..

I had to be the bigger man and get over it if I loved her...and it has always been to me that sex with her was...well, sacred.
The mere thought of having another man inside her repulsed and sickened me. And now she just made love to me and I find this out.

Here is the worst part.
After getting over this,we move on...it wasnt easy but things seemed to get better. Tuesday, I went to work, we had some fun texts and it would appear that she isnt interested being with this guy,she felt scared at times and his psycho nature was turning her off.
I had kind of a special night planned and left work and came home to find her not there. I text her and received no reply.
I though she was at her new apt. and was just adjusting to her new place. However , she had no power ,hence why she had been staying with me recently.
The second text was this..."I hope to god your not where I think you are"
Still no reply.
I started punch calling every 2 minutes until finally the phone was answered and it was the guy she was seeing as he said
" Gotta call you back" and he hangs up.
I call again...he answers...again " Dood, shes gotta call you back, give her two minutes" ::click::
30 minutes go by and finally she calls me.
She proceeded to tell me this guy shows up un announced and is acting way psycho. At the time of her call,she was driving him home as his car broke down. She told me, it isnt what you think,calm down, as I was shaking and almost in hysterics.
"I will be back home,just calm down,it isnt what you think" and I asked her how can I believe you..and she just told me she would be home soon.
She never did come back home.
I was worried sick, I though this guy could do her harm. I called her sister who also tried calling with no luck.
She asked me if she thought I should call the police and I thought it was best to wait it out.
I decided to goto her job and wait for her to show up,if she didnt show up...I was calling the police.
Well, she text me and followed it up with a phone call.
She was ok...and then we met in the parking lot.
She came up to me and hugged me and I couldnt help myself and backed away from her. I told her I just wanted to make sure she was ok and walked away as she called out to me but i didnt turn around.

I dont know why i did it,but I ended up talking on the phone to her new guy. It was actually a decent conversation as we talked alot about what was going on. As I had figured, she had sex with him.

In a nutshell, I am completely devastated.....again.
How..PLEASE tell me how one can do this to another person and themselves.
How can you go sleep with one person and then goto another. Everytime I think about this I get nauseated. I even threw up when I heard about this the first time.

I love her and always will ,but at the same time..I am feeling inadequate,compromised,manipulated and deceived.
My ego is totally shot, I cant sleep or eat.
My friends tell me to move on,and I know they mean well and are probably right,but they dont know what 9 years can do.
WE have to much riding on this.

Im no saint people...I wont claim to be. I know I caused problems that ultimately is now leading to our demise. But I never screwed around on her and am 100% totally dedicated and loyal to her. I would do ANYTHING for her. Yet, she does this to me.

How can she do this...I am in utter dismay,shock and turmoil.

[Mathias]

Because sometimes people do things that are illogical. She screwed up, and there's no reason you should have to put up with it.

Break off contact and start moving on. The earlier you do this, the earlier you get past all this crap.

[Kyeema]

Betrayal is always the worst... no matter if it's emotional or sexual. 9 years is a long time, for me it was 8, I moved with him around the country too and now I am stuck in a place far off from my family and friends, with a house in need of renovation, 3 dogs, debts and no money... and he is gone, living at my hometown. 8 years of what I thought was true love, 8 years of me giving everything to him and supporting him with all I had. And then he just left me after having lied to me for years.

I also still don't understand how anybody can do things like that. But as much as I still love him I can now see that I deserve better than that and although I am sometimes still dying inside I know I would never want to be with him again. I also had the physical symptoms you're having when I realized what he had done and that it's over. But they will disappear in a few days, trust me.

I know that moving on doesn't seem like a valid option at the moment, it wasn't for me in the beginning either. We, too, had everything riding on it, or at least I had, it now seems he didn't see it the same way otherwise he wouldn't have left. You need time for yourself now. Everything is just so fresh you need time to let it sink in. And then start asking yourself if you really still want to be with a woman who cheats on and lies to you like this and even risks your health. Is this the woman you fell in love with? Is this really the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with? Would you ever be able to trust her again?

I know it's so painful and hard, just give yourself time to process what happened. And believe me the pain gets better some day...

Big hug
Kyeema

[Toddstar]

That is very close to what I went through...the back and forth, the non-decision making, the BS...time to suck it up and move on. Do NOT be her door mat. Because that is how you are acting. Trust me. I KNOW.

[oldskool83]

as much as you love her you are in love with somthing from your past. no normal thinking person would love somone seeing another guy let alone talking about him. it happens. i burned 6 years of my life but the situation was way different. your gonna have to be strong and put your foot down. you might not know how to right now, but i sence a ton of codependancy here. I feel if youd pic up a book on codependancy you might see some sign of hope and things might help also. whats ya got to loose at this point ya know, might be the best $8 ya ever spend.

sounded like she got burned out wanted somthing different and then different sucked so shes talkin with you.