Why did he leave me?

[smackie9]

Rest assured if he is undecided that means he is scared. If he did give you a definite "it's over" that would indicate there is someone else. Can't win for losing tho. I agree with wakeup, the quicker you let yourself know it is over that better off you will be. Pack up his stuff and send it to him to complete the process.

[lazyblue]

That's what I mean though, if he's just scared then there's a real possibility that he will want to come back once he calms down. I really need to stop trying to second guess him though because maybe he was undecided initially but has now made up his mind, I don't know.

It's not a simple as just sending him his stuff. We have a lot of shared stuff (some of it is just his though) from when we lived together such as TV, pans, furniture etc. I sold my car a while ago so if he wants it he's gonna have to come and get it. The fact that he hasn't doesn't really say anything because he might just not want to bother with it all. At least if he did come and get it I would know that he has made up his mind- if that makes sense.

It is time for me to move on though. If he comes back and I still want him then great. If he doesn't come back then at least I haven't wasted my time.

[smackie9]

He may not have come back to get his stuff is because out of guilt. He may just feel you should keep it so not to add insult to injury.....kind of like compensation from him leaving.

[lahnnabell]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know that foreboding feeling you get when a breakup is coming. I've called a couple of boyfriends out on it before, even when they tried to assure me everything was okay. You can just hear it in their voices. Their dialogue changes and you just get the feeling they'd rather be doing something else.

Same advice here though. Work and play. Stay busy. You will heal. Watch "How to Train Your Dragon". It's adorable.

[lazyblue]

He may not have come back to get his stuff is because out of guilt. He may just feel you should keep it so not to add insult to injury.....kind of like compensation from him leaving.

I think this is spot on tbh. Before he left he put some money in my bag. I didn't realise until after he had gone. Times are really hard financially for me right now and he is just about to start a really well paid job so i know its his way of trying to look out for me and probably to ease his guilt a bit. One day when i'm ready to be in contact with him i will give it back. I have never, ever wanted his money and i still don't. So yeah, the same probably goes for all of his/our stuff as well.

[lazyblue]

I broke the no contact rule this morning I emailed him to ask if we could meet up because I wanted to talk to him about a few things. He normally replies to emails straight away as they go to his phone but he hasnt replied to my email. I can't believe after everything we have gone through I'm not even worth a 'no thanks'. My heart has been ripped out of my chest all over again. I know I've done this to myself. Maybe he is just doing this so I move on quicker rather than because he doesn't care. When we brokeup (just over 2weeks ago) he said he was ok to just be friends, but thinks we should have no contact for a while for my benefit. So either he is trying to be cruel to be kind, or he really doesn't care about me anymore- he was the one who broke it off and we ended on v good terms so it's not like ive done something to deserve being ignored. Anyone thinking of getting in contact with their ex; don't. It only leads to heart ache.

Edit: as you can probably tell, my head is all over the place. One minute im up and the next im down, but writing this has made me realise that he probably isnt ignoring me because he hates me or is already over me, he is probably trying to help me move on. Either way, i see that it really is over now. No more getting in contact, its probably really hurting him that he has to ignore me to help me, so now it's my turn to be kind to him and leave him alone. Onwards and upwards for me now...one day I will thank him for this

[smackie9]

Dear it has only been two weeks. You are still adjusting to life without him....it is a horrible emptiness I know, but in time you will recover and he will slowly become a distant memory.

[Wakeup]

You don't know it yet but him not replying to you is a good thing. It will help you to get to the point of accepting that it's over quicker and when you get to that stage then you will begin to heal and start to feel better.

Get the book "The Five Stages of Grief" it might help you. Keep yourself busy, rely on your friends and family for support, join groups that do things that interest you. In time you'll feel like your old self.

*hugs*

[IncognitoSir]

I agree with wake up, it's best he doesn't reply. Look at it this way, you know the guy better than us and from the sounds of it, there is no reason to believe their was someone else. He's probably going through the EXACT same emotions you're feeling right now. If he were to reply it would only set the both of you back further. Learn from this slip up, it's not worth the set back in the healing process. Keep on trucking dear.

[IndiReloaded]

IOne day when i'm ready to be in contact with him i will give it back. I have never, ever wanted his money and i still don't. So yeah, the same probably goes for all of his/our stuff as well.

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face, tho. If you need the money to get you going, take it. When you get stable, give it back + interest. This way, he gets to feel good about his gift (or at least less guilty for breaking off) and you get a start on your life. You can regain your pride when you give it back.

[lazyblue]

Thank you everyone for your replies, i really do appreciate it. At first i was really regretting sending the email, but maybe its a good thing i sent it. As i said before, he was so uncertain about his decision to leave me it made me feel hopeful that he would return. But now that he hasn't replied to my email it either means he hates me for some unknown reason (i really hope he doesn't, i can't see why he would) or he is doing it to help him/me get over the breakup quicker...which means he has probably completely made his mind up now, which is sad, but at least i know there is no hope now. If he is doing the no contact thing to help both of us move on then it is probably killing him that i am trying to get back in contact with him, its probably making him feel really guilty and maybe is messing with his head a bit. I don't want to do that to him so now i know i cannot contact him again. He knows where i am if/when he is ready to be in contact.

I think i am slowly beginning to accept that it is over. Its still so hard though. Every time i think about him not being with me any more its like a slap to the face and every time i think about the loss of our future it makes me feel sick. I still keep waking up thinking this is all a bad dream. This breakup has taught me so much, but i think the biggest lesson is not to take the future and any relationships for granted- just because you think you will always be together doesn't make it so, it can all disappear in a second.

[Kyeema]

I know what you mean... for me it was 8 years and gone in a second although I never took it for granted at all... it didn't help... he didn't want to be with me any more, that's something I cannot change, but have to accept no matter how much it hurts.

I'm sure he doesn't hate you. Perhaps he even just doesn't answer because he's out of town or so. But I think it's good that you start accepting that it's over. Of course it's hard, incredibly hard, you were together for many years! When my ex left me (which he did by simply not contacting me for some weeks, no clear breakup), I couldn't get my head around it, it was so inapprehensible, so NOT real, we were meant to be for life, that's what he had always said, I just couldn't believe it. I had days when I just cried, thought I couldn't move on, but those got less. In the meanwhile I have analyzed our relationship a lot and I came to the conclusion that I am better off without him, no matter how much I still miss him and how much being apart hurts. Perhaps analyzing your relationship might help you too. Perhaps there were other signs before? Perhaps there were things you didn't like about him? Perhaps the "living apart" was more than just a financial thing in reality? Especially when he moved to London again? I don't know...

The only thing I know is that you will get through all this no matter how hard it is at the moment... keep in mind that you don't need him, you're such a strong, caring, thoughtful and beautiful young woman, you can make it on your own perfectly well! And now you can use all your energy for yourself and grow even more, so concentrate on yourself and your career, you're so young, your whole life's still ahead of you!

Sending you a big hug and lots of strength
Kyeema

[lazyblue]

I know what you mean... for me it was 8 years and gone in a second although I never took it for granted at all... it didn't help... he didn't want to be with me any more, that's something I cannot change, but have to accept no matter how much it hurts. Sorry to hear that

I'm sure he doesn't hate you. Perhaps he even just doesn't answer because he's out of town or so.He normally replies to emails straight away because they go to his phone. However, a couple of my friends have said to me that when they broke up with someone they really loved and their ex tried to get back in contact they just ignored them to help them move on. If they responded to them in any way it would just lead to more contact from their ex. I think this is probably what my ex is doing. But I think it's good that you start accepting that it's over. Of course it's hard, incredibly hard, you were together for many years! When my ex left me (which he did by simply not contacting me for some weeks, no clear breakup), I couldn't get my head around it, it was so inapprehensible, so NOT real, we were meant to be for life, that's what he had always said, I just couldn't believe it. This is exactly how i feel. It still doesn't feel real. We had our whole future planned out together and it felt like such a certainty.I had days when I just cried, thought I couldn't move on, but those got less. In the meanwhile I have analyzed our relationship a lot and I came to the conclusion that I am better off without him, no matter how much I still miss him and how much being apart hurts. Perhaps analyzing your relationship might help you too I honestly believe i will not be better off without him. I don't really think he will be better off without me either tbh. Perhaps there were other signs before? Only one small sign a few days before i went on holiday. He didn't realise at the time that something he said was a sign as well. Perhaps there were things you didn't like about him? Not really Perhaps the "living apart" was more than just a financial thing in reality?No. I wont go into the boring details but it was def just a financial thing Especially when he moved to London again? He is moving to London to start a new job. I moved here a while ago because i knew he would most likely get a job in London, so i moved here so we could be togetherI don't know...

The only thing I know is that you will get through all this no matter how hard it is at the moment... keep in mind that you don't need him, you're such a strong, caring, thoughtful and beautiful young woman, you can make it on your own perfectly well! Thank you very much And now you can use all your energy for yourself and grow even more, so concentrate on yourself and your career, you're so young, your whole life's still ahead of you! Thats the plan. I just wish i had him by my side still

Sending you a big hug and lots of strength
Kyeema

Thanks very much for your post. Part of the reason why i'm finding it so difficult is because i really thought he was perfect for me and i was perfect for him, but i guess if he no longer loves me as much then theres nothing either of us can do about it. I am still beating myself up a bit about the fact that we probably got stuck in a bit of a rut and if we had of spotted it earlier then we could have fixed it and then maybe he wouldnt have fallen out of love with me. Then again, maybe he would. We will never know now, but im gutted we weren't able to try.

[Kyeema]

Well, as you write you (probably) got stuck in a bit of a rut and you both didn't spot it... and yes, maybe, maybe... you'll also never know what will happen in the future... but for now... why not let go and see what else life has got to offer you... you know, to boldly go where no (wo)man has gone before *ggg*

Love & light
Kyeema