Feeling confused about my breakup??

[JadenMia]

Hey all, some of you know my story, so i wont go into the background of us.

But i have been feeling pretty bad about it, when i left him i felt it was the right decision, he was a bad person, i didnt deserve the crap he dished me. Well, now i am second guessing myself. I keep going through it in my mind, 'was it really me who was the asshole?' The things i did that he wouldnt allow, should i have been allowed? or was it really not okay for me to do' ..

These kind of questions over and over, racking my brain to try figure out if i was the bad egg, or if it was him.. Will i realise this in the next relationship i get in and forever regret losing him?

I miss him, i miss his face, i miss our time, i know its not right us being together, but why do i miss him so much. I saw him out the other night, i ignored him, but he kept trying to ask me why this was happening to us, pulling me aside, begging and pleading for me to speak to him and not leave and ignore him. The desperation in his eyes killed me, he started crying and i just couldnt stand the sight..

UGH. I cant help but go over and over it all. Just not knowing what the right thing to do is... AH. I am going insane.

[Wakeup]

You know what will happen if you go back to him. If he wants to be with you so badly then tell him to get anger management therapy and when he's graduated that class the two of you can get couples councelling. You know going back when he's done nothing to change himself will have you beaten up once again in front of you child.

He's close to hitting rock bottom (with no job now) so he goes to you to bail him out and so he can put you down to make himself feel bigger and better. Don't take him back and thereby enabling him to be the loser bastard that he is... that would be very selfish of you to help him be the piss poor human being that he currently is.

You know that, doll.

Next time he crys to you tell him to get the help he needs and do do it so that he becomes a better man... not just to get you back.

You didn't get the book Codependent No More yet?

[JadenMia]

You know what will happen if you go back to him. If he wants to be with you so badly then tell him to get anger management therapy and when he's graduated that class the two of you can get couples councelling. You know going back when he's done nothing to change himself will have you beaten up once again in front of you child.

He's close to hitting rock bottom (with no job now) so he goes to you to bail him out and so he can put you down to make himself feel bigger and better. Don't take him back and thereby enabling him to be the loser bastard that he is... that would be very selfish of you to help him be the piss poor human being that he currently is.

You know that, doll.

Next time he crys to you tell him to get the help he needs and do do it so that he becomes a better man... not just to get you back.

You didn't get the book Codependent No More yet?

You are right.. I didnt get the book no, i didnt see it in the store. I REALLY want to read it though. I might try order it online or something.
Its not that i want to go back to him as much... Its that i feel its my fault that i could have been better and he wouldnt be like he was.. I feel like, maybe i should have just done what he asked, maybe i was being stubborn.. I dont knowww.

I am kind of torturing myself with these thoughts at the moment. I just want to know if i was definitely right to leave him.. Or if my actions and ways would drive any man to this insanity. I just feel so confused..

[MaidenMinx]

Honey, write out the biography I posted in your last thread. Write out a cope for your wallet and a copy for your bedroom wall. Keep it with you always and read it often. Write it out rather than print it, because writing it helps imprint it on your memory.

You will get there Jaden. You have come so far, please keep your eyes on the horizon and keep walking AWAY from that bastard.

[Wakeup]

No, none of what he did to you did you deserve. None of it.
Nothing you could have done would make him treat you better. He has psychological issues that he needs professional guidance with. You could never fix him, ever. Order the book online or go to the library and rent it out. It will help you to see that you cannot control outcomes. You can only control you and what you do so please don't think your actions caused what happened or would prevent them from happening.

[HeartIsAching]

You are right.. I didnt get the book no, i didnt see it in the store. I REALLY want to read it though. I might try order it online or something.
Its not that i want to go back to him as much... Its that i feel its my fault that i could have been better and he wouldnt be like he was.. I feel like, maybe i should have just done what he asked, maybe i was being stubborn.. I dont knowww.

I am kind of torturing myself with these thoughts at the moment. I just want to know if i was definitely right to leave him.. Or if my actions and ways would drive any man to this insanity. I just feel so confused..

[URL="http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_1_19?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=codependent+no+more&sprefix=codependent+n o+more"]Here you go at Amazon[/URL]

[bulrush]

Jaden,
Sounds like you made the right decision to leave this guy. It also sounds like you are very emotional right now. I'm concerned that you will make bad decisions based on emotions, not facts. Whenever you get real emotional a red flag should go up in your head, warning you to not make any decisions right now. Wait until you are more calm to decide things. I think you miss the comfortable familiarity with someone. Why not get familiar with someone who will treat you right? Don't you deserve that, at least?

[HeartIsAching]

I keep going through it in my mind, 'was it really me who was the asshole?'

This is his abusive behavior - he played a headgame on you. They're so adept at it, making you feel as if it's your fault. Making you feel as if you're the one that screwed up. It wasn't your fault, it was his.

The things i did that he wouldnt allow, should i have been allowed?

This jumped out at me - this is victim-speak. HE DOES NOT get to "allow" you to do or not do something. YOU decide. He either lives with it or he doesn't. This applies to everything in your relationship, and in every relationship. I don't get to tell my wife that she's not "allowed" to sleep with other guys - she makes that choice. Should she choose to do differently, I'd go my separate way, but it's not mine to make. Should she choose to go to the club with her friends and without me, I can live with that or not, but I don't get to choose for her. If we're out and some other guy wants to dance with her, so be it. The point being, you're an adult, you make your choices for you. You can include your partner's wishes in your choices, but ultimately they're still your choices.

Will i realise this in the next relationship i get in and forever regret losing him?

No. Someday you'll look back on it and go "Damn, I can't believe I fell for his bullshit. I'm SO glad I'm done with him."

[JadenMia]

Thanks alot everybody. I have the most intense mix of emotions, i feel horribly devastated. Devastated that i lost him, devastated he wouldnt be good to me, devastated almost that he doesnt love me like i thought he did. I fear he is already over me, fear that i will see him with someone else.. It will honestly kill me. But, then i feel excitement, that i have made room for better things, that i may find someone who will truly love me and treat me right, that in time i will find what i am looking for in life. A good life, a family, a place to call home...

I am just very scared of the pain that will come of this, coming to terms of it all. I havent yet i dont think.. This is how i felt last time. Not all that sad really about us breaking up, but i am scared that the same will happen, in a months time i will be so alone and down that i will contact him and beg him for forgiveness.. Im terrified i will feel that yet again and i just dont want to go through it.. I feel kind of numb.. if that makes sense.
I am going to do my very best to keep busy... No sitting around and thinking, it leaves me searching for answers within myself that i cannot answer and it drives me insane.
I just pray to god that i will stay strong and keep with my thoughts and feelings i have right now.. KNOWING this is the right thing to do.. I know it is. But at times it makes me wonder..
I have actually wrote little quotes and helpful tips on post-it notes and keep them on the mirrors in my house. They actually help! And i have written that touching piece you gave Maiden, it really helps me see what i NEED to do.

I cannot wait for the day to come i dont feel angry or sad about this.. I cant wait for the day to come i feel happy with myself.. I have been feeling strange jealousy since i left also. It really sucks, as today i went to the beach and every girl that looked good in a bikini my heart just ached.. I wish i looked that good, maybe he would have thought better of me. He would love to be with someone like that, he is going to find someone like that and wonder wtf he was doing with me..
I dont know.. Just terrible little feelings like that drag me down and make me really sad..

I am going to the library tomorrow also to see if they have that book! I cant wait to read it i really hope it will help in some ways. Im crossing my fingers.

Thanks everybody so much, i couldnt express the appreciation i feel for all your help. It really means alot to me you guys take the time to read and answer my insane questions that nobody else will listen to or understand. It just helps so much.

[pisces25]

He would love to be with someone like that, he is going to find someone like that and wonder wtf he was doing with me

And he will abuse and treat his next girlfriend like shit coz that is all he knows how to do. So instead of wondering that, breathe a sigh of relief you won't be copping his abuse anymore and say a small prayer for the poor girl that he ends up with.

I feel the same about my ex. We have been broken up nearly 3 weeks and it pains me to think of him with someone else. But I constantly just remind myself that person and relationship will be faaaar from perfect coz his issues are so big they will inevitably carry on to his next relationship. And he is the one that will live an unhappy life. I (and you) on the otherhand have the chance to live a happy, free life.

Replace each negative thought with a positive. Start some positive pyschology on yourself.

[asdfg789]

Stay strong JadenMia. You'll get through this.

[JadenMia]

Ugh i dont feel like i will get through it at all.. I feel like i shouldnt have done this and left...

[JadenMia]

I think im just going to end this all.. I dont even want to be here anymore.. i have nothing.

[Wakeup]

You have 'nothing' you say? Didn't you say you had a daughter that loves and needs you?

[JadenMia]

You have 'nothing' you say? Didn't you say you had a daughter that loves and needs you?

I do have my daughter. But what would she possibly want from me, i have no money, i can never do anything with her as we cannot afford it, i work all day, i get to spend 2 hours with her before she goes to bed and start it all over again. I cant stop crying, and she doesnt understand what is going on.. Now we are renting out a room. A room that she has to stay in otherwise her grandma gets pissy at her. I cant even afford to get out of this place.. i am just done..