8 years of true love and now he is gone...

[manu85]

How are you today, Kyeema? Hope you're doing well. Keep us updated!

[Kyeema]

I still feel down, but not as bad as yesterday. Thanks for your nice reply yesterday manu, it feels good to have somebody who understands and does not judge - thanks for caring! *big hug*

In my head it's all clear, I will go and get through this, step by step reduce my debts, find a way out of depression and back to work, then find me a home I feel "home" in and some day I will be fine again. It's just my heart that doesn't go along with that so easily...

I also realized that the worst thing for me is that I know the breakup is final, there is nothing left to hope, the love of my life is gone, is over, no matter what happens, there is no future for us never ever again. I've analyzed the situation so often, not only after BU, but also during our relationship and it always breaks down to the same thing: I can't trust him with his lies. I probably should have left him 1.5 years ago when he first lied to me about this woman he was on the phone with all the time talking about me as he said (and perhaps also meeting, who knows), but then I still believed him, wanted to believe, couldn't imagine that he'd ever hurt me, understood he needed someone to talk to only for himself. I was too understanding as usually, this is a trait I don't like about me... I can feel the other person so intensely that I lose myself and what I feel in the situation, I somehow shut myself off, I just feel this other person and can so clearly understand what is going on inside of him, what he feels, why he did it this way, why he lied, that I completely ignore my own feelings and then even help the other person to feel better about what he did. Instead of showing him how pissed I was about him lying and that I can't trust him any more. Perhaps if I had been stronger then and shown him that I don't accept something like that, we'd have had a chance... who knows.... it's too late anyway... and still, do I want a partner who is having friends (no matter what gender) behind my back? The answer clearly is no. So it's over. And the definitness about it hits me hard and hurts....

[manu85]

Hey, good to know you're doing a little bit better.

It's great that you have it all planned out in your head, your plan to recovery. That's very very important. Stick to that! A lot of the times, the heart doesn't follow the heart, but if you truely stick to your convictions, you will heal quicker and create your new happiness quicker.

It's also good that you are really accepting and trying to understand everything. The clearer your reasons are for breaking up, the more you will accept. You will struggle with it a lot, it will go up and down, and I also regularly still questions my reasons. But it's a natural process, it goes back and forth, after better days come worse days. Stick to the convictions, that's all that counts. If it's 100% clear to you that you want to break up and need to break up, then also try to slowly let go of the "what ifs"... They're painful, I know, but try to let go... It doesn't matter anymore... (sorry, I know that sounds harsh)

Unfortunately, I think this definitely is the hardest stage of every break-up. When you realize everything you had is lost, gone. Tough times are to come now, but you're really doing all the right things. Unfortunately, no magical formula exists to make you heal faster.

But also, every end creates space for a new beginning. Sounds lame at this point, but one day, you will also be able to have a new, beautiful beginning.

Take care!

[manu85]

Some other thing about your previous post, Kyeema.

I think I have that trait too you described. I trust the person too much. I naively think they can do no wrong, they would never hurt me, I really get caught up in my thoughts of what I think they are deep inside instead of judging them on their real ACTIONS, on what they do, on how they behave. I really think they are the best persons on the planet.

For example: why didn't I place a red fleg when my ex proposed me to have sex with her and cheat on her boyfriend of 7 years? (hell, I even felt bad for the guy even though I didn't know him, and told her we couldn't possibly do that, but I couldn't resist). Why didn't I feel suspicious when she was feeling relatively little grief (although she quite often told me how she felt guilty and felt like a really bad person) after ending that relationship? Why didn't I recognize all that... she did exactly the same to me afterwards, switch things off from one second to the next. Flirting in front of my eyes with another guy right after the break-up without the blink of an eye. Pure selfishness again.

I can assure you that I thought my ex was the best girl in the world and that I'd never find another girl as special and as loving and caring as her. But now I'm starting to see her more and more objectively. I still think she's a good person, but she's insecure, doesn't know what she really wants, is too dependent of other people's affection and confirmation and therefore is a little unreliable. I guess, to some extent, the same can be said about me, I also don't know what I want completely and therefore people can't build on me. I need to work on that too.

Sorry by the way, enough about my problems, I don't want to hijack your thread. All that just to tell you that in time, you'll also see your ex for what he really is and for his true ACTIONS. You will see that your trust about the person deep inside is not an entirely bad person, but he has traits and actions which are impossible to live with in a loving relationship.

[Kyeema]

You're not hijacking my thread, manu... please feel free and go on writing whatever comes to your mind... I always appreciate your words

My ex was a bit the same as yours... when we met we were both in a relationship which I ended as soon as I fell in love with him - and to be honest, the relationship with my exex (of 10 years) had been more of a brother-sister thing for about 2 years anyway. After many years of fighting for his love and some romance I had given up and I decided for myself that love as I wanted and imagined it doesn't exist and that having a house-mate like my exex was very nice as we got along perfectly well together... it was the same for my exex, he only discovered after I separated him how much he really loved me and was sorry for not putting more effort into our relationship before and rejecting me so many times... too late, sorry!

He on the other hand stayed in his marriage of 1 year for about 2 more months (yes I was too weak to say no to him, too), then I finally forced him to split up, he just would have done nothing except stayed away from his ex - as he did with me and still does. There even was a time in our starting phase when he didn't call me for 2 weeks and I couldn't reach him because I didn't have his private number, just his work number, but he had 2 weeks off, and stupid me, I even feared that his ex had done something to him, went to his door and placed a music cd on the knob... the next they he texted me again... but now, looking back, he probably had reconciled with his ex then although he said he just wasn't sure whether I was just playing with him or not... I have wondered many times if he had ever called me again if I hadn't put the cd on his door... ah, yes, and the first thing he said about his ex was that he saw her and knew she was it, later he then said that in reality they had done nothing but fighting for months... well, it should have been a warning sign for me, but I was too blind to see it...

Well, know I'm probably going through the same thing as his ex, just on the other side... he just would have never called me again and has now cut me out of his life completely after 8 years from one second to the other... that's something which I still can't wrap my mind around... as if I, the dogs, the cat, our house, our life together never existed at all...

I'm going back to bed now, the summer flu has caught me and I'm lying down with a fever, coughing and sneezing and an aching body - I feel like 80 *ggg*...

PS. He wired the money today... shall I thank him by text or email? A part of me says yes, that would be polite, another part says no, because to be honest, why should I be grateful if he paid for his debts, his phone bill and half the dog food? That should be the most decent and normal thing to do anyway, shouldn't it?

[Kyeema]

Well, I just realized something. No matter how much it hurts me, my ex had the right to leave me. If he wasn't happy why should he have stayed? He obviously found something that made him happier than I did, that was more important to him than I was, so why shouldn't he go for that? Of course it's not fair, of course it's sad, of course it broke my heart. After 8 years of me giving everything to him, supporting him in any possible way, loving him the way he was, accepting and overlooking all his flaws and weaknesses. But this was my choice. This is my way of loving somebody. Wholy and completely. I cannot hold him responsible for that. He did what he thought was best for himself. Everybody should do that. Perhaps I should even learn from that.

I'm very bad at hurting anybody, I usually hurt myself before or let them step over my boundaries. I definitely need to learn to stand up for myself before I can ever again be in a relationship. Putting me above the rest of the world. Stand up for myself no matter what the consequences. That's my project for the coming weeks and months.

I've been very sad all day. I'm sad because today I realized that I would have loved to have a real family with kids and everything. I didn't want kids with my ex because deep inside I felt and knew that in the end I would always be the only one coping with all the responsibility and handling stuff. He himself still is a child not able to take responibility for his life. I had to take over for him there too, reminding him of or paying his bills, throwing away trash, not leaving his clothes all around the house and so on, he literally did nothing out of his own no matter how much I politely asked him to. So to be honest I had a child already. Yes, it was wrong to tell him to do all this stuff, I should have let him be, but that wasn't that easy. I tried it, he could leave these things for weeks and weeks, just stepping over them. So my other choice was leaving him and that I didn't want to do because my love for him was too strong.

Now I'm sad also because I fear it's too late for me to have a family. I'm 40 now and I have the feeling I haven't enjoyed life a bit so far. So I'm not even sure if I still want to have kids. Wouldn't I for once rather be free and travel and do what I like without so much responsibility for other beings? I've got so much to think about. A part of me thinks that with him I have wasted 8 years of my life. Which is stupid because I have decided to be with him, stay with him through all the crap and rough times. To be honest: we never even had a nice vacation somewhere. I don't count those 2 or 3 days in Italy we spent in our car. No money. Somehow we left out all the easy and nice stuff. Somehow there was never enough money left to put away for a nice trip or so. It never really troubled me. Although I really love traveling. But being with him and believing that some day in the future when he got his job and then would have finsihed his personal bankruptcy after 7 years everything would get better and we then would have plenty of time to travel and do stuff. I was okay with that because I believed in our love so strongly. Again my choice. Nobody forced me to to it. He would often say why do you stay with me, you could have a better man, a doctor or so with plenty of money and I would always reply that I loved him and that I didn't care about the money. I just wanted to be with him. I'm pretty naive, am I not?

Well, he had the right to leave. I would have had this right to, but I decided not to. Our love, our relationship was more important to me than anything else. So there is no one to blame. The only thing that counts is the next step. And that means moving on. Alone. On my own. No other choice left. No matter how scared I am.

[Kyeema]

Well, my bright moment from yesterday is gone again... and I'm back to hating him.

It's just that again and again I'm confronted with the mess he left me behind. Yesterday I had my new washing machine installed and they had to take parts out of the wall because my ex had managed to cut the water pipe coming out of the wall too short so they weren't able to connect the new one to it. My ex had improvised by bending the the pipe forwards so he could connect the old tube to it somehow. But the new one has this aquastop-box attached to it and no matter how hard they tried they couldn't connect it. They had to cut out parts of the wall, the insulation material (little styrofoam balls) came out of the wall and covered the whole floor... what a mess again. And another hole in the wall.

Well, that's just one of the many things I get frustrated day in day out in this house - everything he did is just half-finished and he obviously never thought about how to do things best, but just did them and then found that, ooops, there had to go a wall over this water pipe, the door wouldn't open, because the floor was to high and a step in the way, but cheez, if I dared to say anything about it he would yell at me that he'd just all tear it down as I obviously knew how to do it better. tbh, obviously I knew, but I just don't have the crafting skills and strength to do it myself. But yes, I know what to think about first and how to plan.

By trusting and believing him I have ruined my life. And I don't have any idea of how to get out of this mess. At the moment I'm so frustrated and I feel wronged also. And every time I pick myself up again and feel a little hope something new comes up that I have to cope with and my hope is gone again that some day it will get better, easier perhaps, because it's always only bad news... something breaks, something unexpected I have to pay for, I get sick, my back hurts or whatever... I really don't get any moment of peace so I could relax... I wonder how long I will be able to go on with all this pressure on me... I'm so tired, but still I can't sleep because I'm worrying so much... life is not really worth living... it's just pain and struggle...

[novaavon]

Kyeema, you are such a nice woman and very patient. You helped me a lot. I hope that you can get relieved from the pain soon.

[curlsupinacorna]

Dear kyeema,

My wife had an affair after 20 years (she's 41, I am 42). I suspected it and she confessed, and said that she had not loved me for a while. I feel exactly the same as you do. That was 3 weeks ago, and it still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. I don't feel like I can ever get over it either. As you say, the next five minutes is so painful. I have a complete sense of bereavement, but worse, because I have to see her every day. We can't afford to separate at the moment, and she is building another life for herself in front of me. Believe me, it could be worse - he could still be with you, doing the same. You have my complete understanding and sympathy. If you are anything like me, you will think you will never get over it. I, as you, are longing to find out soon. with love...

[DarkHelmet82]

Dear kyeema,

My wife had an affair after 20 years (she's 41, I am 42). I suspected it and she confessed, and said that she had not loved me for a while. I feel exactly the same as you do. That was 3 weeks ago, and it still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. I don't feel like I can ever get over it either. As you say, the next five minutes is so painful. I have a complete sense of bereavement, but worse, because I have to see her every day. We can't afford to separate at the moment, and she is building another life for herself in front of me. Believe me, it could be worse - he could still be with you, doing the same. You have my complete understanding and sympathy. If you are anything like me, you will think you will never get over it. I, as you, are longing to find out soon. with love...

With time comes healing... it will come.. it may be years but cling to that and you will eventually be able to accept it.

[novaavon]

With time comes healing... it will come.. it may be years but cling to that and you will eventually be able to accept it.

I agree, time time heals all wounds.

[Kyeema]

Hey guys,

thank you all for your comments...

@curlsupinacorna: you're right you're much worse off with your ex building up her new life up in front of you... after 20 years! I can't even imagine what that must feel like! Let me give you a big hug and I will carry you in my heart for the next few days so you have a at least one place where you can feel safe and she is not around...

I am struggling really hard at the moment... the financial desaster left from our relationship gets worse and worse. Sometimes I just want to wake up from this nightmare and then I really think that nothing in the time with him was worth the pain and troubles I do now have, besides all the emotional pain he left me here theratened in my material existence too... I know I myself think it's cruel to even think something like that... but every decision I made was based on us being together forever, none of it would I have taken if we hadn't been together or if I'd known that he'd leave me eventually... but now I find myself in a situation I can't cope with on my own and I have nobody to help me.

Official agencies just tell me to sell my house, use this money to pay back our debts and to get rid off my dogs so I can move into a small apartment... but that's no option for me! My dogs are everything I have at the moment, without them I'd long be gone, they are keeping me in this world. And I nearly get nothing for this house, not even what I have invested in it so far and after paying our debts (why should I pay for them alone?) there wouldn't even be enough left to pay down for another small house so I could keep my four-legged life savers. So I try everything so I can keep them. Giving them away would devastate me. I couldn't live with that.

My biggest problem now is that I'm still not able to work full-time because of my depression, I only get a small pension in the moment and it could be that they even cut that back. I would love to try starting to work for a few hours a week, so I could find out how much I am capable of. I think I would be able to manage a few hours a week and then work more and more until I finally work full-time - but I am not allowed to work at all because then I would lose my pension at all. It's such a crazy system here. They expect me to go from not working at all to working full-time from one day to the other. I just don't know how I will ever manage to do that. Why isn't there a possibility of getting back to work gradually? I don't know if any of you have ever suffered from severe depression, but if you have I'm sure you know what I mean.

Anyway, a part of me came to the conclusion that not even the love of your life is worth all this. Perhaps this is the lesson I needed to learn: always look after yourself first and never take decisions you couldn't live with on your own, too.

I feel so betrayed and I hate him for doing this to me. I also feel that I don't miss him as a person that much any more because I can now clearly see what crazy stuff I put up with when I was with him and that he is not the wonderful man I always believed he was because I loved him so incredibly much. Truth is, he is selfish, unreliable, irresponsible, inconsiderate and not willing to grow as a person at all, he knows only one reality and that's his, he always needed to be right and couldn't accept it if I felt differently, then he would just feel misunderstood. All his beautiful words and promises and none of it was even worth a dime! How can you even do that to another person?

I haven't had contact with him since the last time when he blamed me for everything on the phone, that was about one and a half week ago. But trouble is he promised me some money which he should have gotten last Thursday, but I haven't got anything so far nor did he contact me about it. And unfortunately I really do need this money. So I fear if I want to have the money I will have to contact him again. There is also so much stuff around the house (e.g about the electrical installation he did - which one ist the fuse for the water heater? He never labeled the fuses in the fuse box...) I need to know about and can only find out when I call him. But I just feel not capable of doing this at the moment... it breaks up all the open wounds again, so I feel really stuck here too.

It's just so much at the moment I never have a quiet moment where I just can breathe and relax, I'm worrying all the time and when ever I think it can't get worse, something new comes up and it gets worse some more. I've always tried to be a good person, have been honest and trustworthy, helped others and tried to hurt nobody, but somehow I must have committed some crimes in the past I don't know of because why else would I be punished with all that stuff now?

[Kyeema]

I hate him! I was just out at the garage when he phoned so I couldn't answer. He then sent a text saying if he could go into the house get some computer cables. I texted him back that I would be home in 30 minutes maximum, but that he could go in in the meanwhile and where his boxes are. Then I rushed home... and he was already gone!!! The door to the room wide open (it's normally locked because of the dogs), the lights on. I phoned him, oh no he said I didn't need to come home he just wanted this cables. I said, we have things to talk about. He will come over later he said. In two to three hours when his computer job up here is done. I asked if I could rely on that and he said "why shouldn't you?" haha!... And I'm destroyed. Once again. I hate him so incredibly for just doing what he wants and leaving me here in this mess. I will ask my keys back when he comes home later. I don't want him to have access to my house any more. I wish I'd never got to know him! He acts as if nothing ever has happened. At the moment I'd just like to slap and affront him, it hurts so much again! Why did I allow him to go in on his own? I'm so stupid! I always want to be nice and then I end up being hurt myself! He could have called earlier, it's so typical of him just standing in front of the door! He has no respect for anything. Why does it hurt so much? And another 2 or 3 hours of waiting for him to come, so that I can start over again and clean up the emotional mess he just left behind in me again. I have no words for what I feel at the moment, but it's tearing me apart, I'm screaming because it hurts so much... I also wanted to ask him if he could dog-sit for my uncle's funeral which will probably be in the next few days because he is dying at the moment - pancratic cancer, no hope left, only pain, a kidney collapsed, he can hardly breathe any more. This alone is so sad and overwhelming because I really love this uncle, we've always had so much fun together. It's simply too much! But after him leaving like this I don't want him to be in my house at all! I know I am a bad person for this but I want him to suffer as much as I suffer because of what he did! I wish I'd never met him. He is always getting away with things and I have to face the consequences, it's just not fair!

[Kyeema]

He was here and I was devastated again. He was so distant. As if we'd never been together at all. We talked about general stuff. He even said he would help me with the roof next week. I was looking at the little part of his belly I could see when his shirt glided up and was immediately thinking this is the belly I was caressing for 8 years and now I can never touch it any more. I remembered how good it felt when I lied on this belly, how perfectly my head fit on and under his shoulder no matter if we were walking together or just lying around. And the pain flooded me. It was more than I could take.

But I didn't let him see me cry. I didn't ask him to stay over or go to the movies or have dinner with me. I didn't ask him any of the emotional stuff I want to know so badly, whether he misses me, if he still loves me, why he really left me. I didn't do any of this stuff and I'm proud I didn't. He would have lied anyway or doesn't even know the answers himself or simply doesn't care. He got a text and I was jealous, deep inside wanted to know what it was about and from whom. How sick am I? But I didn't say anything. I know it's none of my business no more. And I managed to say nothing about it. I also managed not to ask about his many female friends and if he is still seeing them, especially the one whose whole family he now is friends with. But inside it's killing me.

The pain is incredible again. I feel so lonley and lost. When he walked out and left me in my personal nightmare I crumbled and I knew if I did stay at home I'd go mad or do something stupid. So I got my cat and went to the vets (friends of us/mine) to have him vaccinated. This distracted me enough to go on. There I learned that he seems to enjoy his freedom and he had told them that he is over the worst now. To me he said he is just about ok, but not more. He works and goes to the lake nearby with his colleagues after work. He never went to a lake with me. If I asked him to do something after work he always was too tired, just wanted to hang. I felt slapped in the face again. Still I tried to stay casual.

I know I need to stop taking interest in what he does. I need to let him go. Concentrate on my own life. But whenever I do this I don't want to live any more because I don't know how to wake up from this nightmare. While he lives his dream. Free from any old responsibility. Just work and fun with his new friends. Easiness and freedom. Something I'd love to have, too. But tbh not by "walking over dead bodies" like he does, when I think of it. I think I have to find my own way here. Just how?

[pisces25]

You are going to continue to have bad days Kyeema so continue being kind to yourself when these painful emotions arise. One day the good days will outweigh the bad, trust in that.

You are doing well and handing the break-up with dignity and respect for yourself. Be proud of that. Keep finding those distractions and get through each day one day at a time.