Heartbroken and confused.

[antinko]

I know I've come across as needy but really I just love her. I know that, no matter what I say or do right now, her opinion won't change. I know that, in this respect, I have screwed up and it physically pains me to know that. I just don't understand what happened, and I guess that's probably a reason why we didn't work.

But all those messages, all those pledges of love and everything we did together. She promised me she'd stick with me through thick and thin. I did that with her - she's been through some serious ups and downs and I held onto reality just for her. I put my own responsibilities on the line for her and she was always grateful, yet it came to this point and it's her who broke the relationship off.

Maybe my idea of 'love' is wrong. Maybe I'm just more than a little bit naive. But, after the long relationships she had in the past, I genuinely believed she knew what she wanted when she started going out with me. I took things casually in the beginning and I know I fell in love with her because I wanted it to be right - I didn't want to just blindly fall head over heels...

I thought she was the 'one' and I still do, but why? I know that I stand no chance right now. She's hurt me so much, more so than any pain I've ever experienced. I know this sounds melodramatic, and I've tried to move on. I really have. I've tried dating others, but I just couldn't in good conscience carry those on. I was always thinking of her.

I thought I was a strong person. I know I should try and move on, but I can't. I cannot reconcile the things she said and seemed to definitely feel at the time with what's happened now. She seems alien to me. I want to hate her, but I can't. I just feel lost, betrayed.

She broke it off two months ago and I made the mistake of contacting her this week. I thought I had things held more together so I met up with her, but then I started doing stupid things like indirectly trying to convince her to get back with me. I only texted her a few times, but I know it's come across as clingy and I know she's 'over me' - she just feels guilty. I am worried that me reminding her of that guilt is/has only caused some resentment.

Don't get me wrong: During the relationship, especially the last few months, she became extremely hard work and I almost ended it at one point myself, but I thought that a true relationship could work through difficulties and I'd been working so hard to put more focus on us having fun etc.

I work in a difficult profession as does she and we've both been going through some major professional changes which have put us through the mill. I know I've been down and boring sometimes, but it was temporary. All the while, I was offering emotional support for her...

i thought that things would get better if given the chance.

Now I know it was too much for her. She said she had fallen out of love with me and she had to focus on herself for a while, although she did agree to go on a date with someone else only a couple of weeks after us breaking up...

I know this all might sound a bit incoherent. I'm just so confused. The date with the other guy never came to pass and she hasn't dated since. I know, though, that after seeing her during the week, she seems more confident and is certainly looking a lot better. She's not worrying so much about work now and I can't help but feel that I was used a bit during her experiencing a rough patch. I don't know. I don't think that was the case - I just don't know.

I know she won't come back to me, at least not any time soon. I've made myself look needy in front of her now and there's nothing I can do about it. Hell, I've never made this mistake in front of anyone else before, but I truly felt she was the one for me. I would have, and often times did near enough, move mountains for her.

While I did do a lot for her and treated her like a princess, I always made sure to value her independence. I never wanted her to be dependent on me and, when her self esteem was low, I always made it clear that only she could make herself happy first - I was just support.

Many of my friends and family have told me that, from their perspective, she was undeserving of my love because she was fine with me doing so much for her with less in return, but we had fallen in love before those hard times came about. I know the beginning is always a fairy tale, but we had a genuine connection and were excited. I considered her the potential mother of my future kids, but maybe we set the bar too high.

I don't know. I just know that I feel heartbroken that it's been ruined now. If I could have done things differently and helped keep the excitement alive, then I would have done. Despite my best efforts, I feel like it's my fault we ended.

Any comments would be appreciated, thank you.

[antinko]

I almost wonder if I need someone to tell me I'm just wrong. I don't know. I held onto the relationship and didn't break up with her even during the darkest times because I loved her. I knew she could recover and I knew she wouldn't be in that state forever. I thought that was what a good boyfriend should have done.

I am confident that lots of other guys would have had enough during those times and abandoned her, but I was always faithful. I know that I could get other girls, so it's not a lack of confidence in that respect. Hell, on the first few dates, I wasn't exactly bowled over by her although she is very pretty and a lovely person. I cannot articulate it, but I fell in love with her and i grew to adore everything about her. I wanted to protect and be there for her like I was and I still do. I loved her for being her, good parts and bad and I would have done anything for her.

[antinko]

Anyone? Any comments would be most valued.

[pisces25]

What is the reason you broke up?

[Kyeema]

I did the same you did... stayed with my ex through the darkest moments, the hardest times, supported him no matter how depressed I was or how bad I felt myself, gave him everything even in times when I would have needed support from him - which he never gave me because he felt so lost when I was down, didn't know how to help me, how to make me feel better - truth is, I just wanted him to hold me when I cried or felt bad (which he rarely did, beacuse he himself felt so bad then) and to take care of his own stuff so I didn't need to worry about it, that was it....

I did this because I, too, believed that if you love someone you are there for him and you work through difficulties together. What I missed was, that in reality I was the only one working through this difficulties, he didn't work at all. He always pointed out how much he had changed and grown, but fact is, he hadn't and hasn't grown a bit. He still leaves his trash everywhere, doesn't pay his bills, spends more money than he has, doesn't care about his daughter and dogs and the rest of his family our the house, he still is not able to talk about daily-life problems or solving them on his own, but instead ignores them by creating his own beautiful world in which he is the hero and everybody else just does him wrong...

I also always believed that things would get better, I also tried brining in the fun stuff again... but he rarely ever had time for that, usually he was too tired, preferred hanging out playing computer games... I was exhausted from my depression, but still I was trying to motivate him...

Ah, and yes, when he took "his dream job" last fall in another town, he stopped coming home regularly, made new friends I didn't get a chance to meet, lied to me about them and finally left me... so I know how it feels when you write "she used you when she was experiencing a rough patch". Sometimes I feel the same. I was good enough for him when he was unemployed and lonely and felt bad about himself, but now that he has got a job and new friends, my services are not needed any longer and I beamce inconvenient because I started complaining about him being gone all the time, having time for his friends but not his family etc...

Antinko, believe me: you deserve somebody who is willing to do the same thing for you, who shows the same kind of comittment. Somebody who really loves you and appreciates all the things you do.

I also feel heartbroken, still love him endlessly, wonder if I could have done something differently... but to be honest: I was who I am and gave my all and everything. What else could I have done? And it's the same for you: you gave her all the support and love you were capable of (and by what you write, you have to give a LOT!!!), you couldn't have done anything else --- except leaving her earlier. Because you deserve better. So let go off her. I wish I could tell you how to do that, but I can't because I'm in the middle of all that pain myself... all that I can tell you is: you're not alone, there are others like you, and we all will get through it some day!

Big hug
Kyeema

[antinko]

@pisces25

We broke up because she was 'confused'. She 'loved' me but was no longer 'in love' with me, despite the recent pledges of eternal love and our future together (probably trying to convince herself).

I also wonder if, because I'd recently gained more success and a lot more happiness in my career, it made her feel worse. I don't know. I know she was incredibly insecure, very much so and I was constantly trying to inflate her sense of self worth because she was actually very good at her job and her insecurities in herself seemed so misplaced - I really didn't understand why she felt that way about herself so often, but I supported her anyway. She was so negative, I'd never seen anything like it, but I did stick it through with her because I felt like I was genuinely helping her and she was making an effort to be happier over time, which she was. Unfortunately, she reached the point where I was apparently no longer needed and...blam.

It's especially weird and screwed my head up even more so because near the end, and even during the break up, she brought up all sorts of petty things she found which turned her off me, yet all along, seriously all along, I'd found certain of her traits a bit off putting, yet I was a gentleman and said nothing! Or if anything, I'd be tactful at least!

Even during the break up, I only said I could say similar about her but it was no massive deal to me, but also I wanted to be polite. I know I had my faults, but who doesn't? She said herself that she wanted the relationship to be 'perfect', but I was frequently frustrated because I know 'perfect relationships' don't exist. EVERYONE has their issues and flaws.

To sum up, I think she broke up with me because she doesn't know what true love is, or at least she has an unrealistic/different idea of it. I know she wanted it to work with me but she is afraid of commitment and doesn't want to go through the motions of working through things. In short, despite her greater experience in life (I'm 25, she's 27) and having more long term relationships than I, she's still learned nothing apparently.

I tried.

@Kyeema

Thanks Kyeema, that reply really meant a lot and I agree with you. It's just so hard. I don't want to believe that the person I gave so much to wasn't good enough - I feel like my judge of character or my standards are too low. I don't know.

I accept what you're saying. The fact that I feel like I am being needy, that she even said as much actually angers me. I tried to get her back because she screwed with my mind: All along she'd made me feel like we were right, and I bought it hook, line and sinker, but the reality was she was in love with the idea of love, or something like that, and all along hadn't changed. If she thinks the grass is greener on the other side, that she can do better than me, then good luck to her...

I know I sound more confident now, and at one point I even said similar to her when we first broke up, but I know I'll go round in circles still for a while. I guess my problem is just that: I struggle to believe she wasn't worth it. I really hope I don't make this mistake again with another person because it's such an emotional drain. I reckon, though, next time, if it happened again, I'd recognise the signs sooner and be more proactive. I admit that with this girl, there were times when I thought to myself "crikey, she's dragging me down - I could actually be enjoying myself right now", but every time, the honourable part of me said "but no, give it a chance, she loves you and wants to get better." Boy was I taken on a ride.

Ultimately, I don't think she ever wanted to do this to me. I genuinely believe that she wanted it to work, but it's not in her psychology. I feel that she possibly even got so distressed in the last couple of months because she knew what was happening... Wow, actually, that rings true with some of the things she said to me the other day.

I miss the woman I fell in love with. The woman I've seen lately, especially after the Facebook drama, isn't the woman I loved.

The main kick in the head is the fact that she seems so much happier now without me. I'm not really a petty person and I know she isn't (much), but it feels like she's trying to rub it in. I just have to move past that, though. I know that when push comes to shove, she's the one with the problem. The fact that she made me feel like I was the problem is a by-product of her passive aggressive attitude.

Would I take her back in the future? Honestly, I would take her back if the opportunity came but she'd have had to proven she'd changed a lot, and do an awful lot of begging. I know that's never going to happen, though, so I guess in time I'll just have to move on.

[antinko]

Heh...that's another thing which rings awfully true Kyeema... You say that when you were depressed, all you wanted was for him to hold you? It's the same with me. Personally, my mind is incredibly efficient at sorting itself out with most things: when I get into a rut, my subconscious goes into overdrive to right any issues because I'm quite a positive, or at least proactive individual. I like physical contact, though, and a hug from her would always help...

Yet, insultingly, when I was going through this process, even when she was feeling a bit better herself, I was apparently coming across as 'needy' and I felt like she didn't respect me.

I know I'm a man, that stereotypically, we're not supposed to show emotion, but I have a problem with that outlook because I am a man, and this is what I do: I am a man. I accept responsibility for my lot and I deal with it, always with the best interests of everyone in mind.

I show my emotions when I need to, but there's always control. When I was upset around her, I cried. I'm a human being and sometimes I needed comforting. I always got through it and over it real quick, though, and frequently was comforting her at the same time.

Sorry, needed to just put that out there. I'm feeling so annoyed with her right now... The fact that she doubted my integrity after dumping me due to seeing my ex back on Facebook?! Why the hell was it I who felt guilty? This girl was bad for my health!

[antinko]

And round in circles I go...

Now I just feel guilty. My ex wanted to end it, and I didn't give them the space they required. I need to accept that. My expectations were too high. Next time, I'll try and relax more.

[Kyeema]

Well, there you go, antinko, now you have me going in circles too... simply because you hit a point which I don't want to think about (yet?). You write that you think she wanted to make it work, but just couldn't because of the way she is. Ouch! Could be the same here. Perhaps he really wanted to make it work, but just couldn't do better? That would hurt even more! And be so incredibly sad! But on the other hand: I told him so many time that honesty was crucial for me and still he continued lying. So in the end there is the same outcome: it didn't work.

she brought up all sorts of petty things she found which turned her off me, yet all along, seriously all along, I'd found certain of her traits a bit off putting, yet I was a gentleman and said nothing! Or if anything, I'd be tactful at least!

Did you ever talk about the things which you didn't like about each other? I think it's just normal that you don't like everthing about your partner, but I also think it's important to let them know because sometimes it's just something they didn't even realize and/or can easily change and don't mind changing at all. And if not, then you can always make up your mind whether it's so off-putting that you need to leave or not. But not talking about it makes it worse... that's just my opinion. I hated it that my ex never told me what he disliked about me, he always said there is nothing, but I knew that can't be true... and it wasn't, otherwise he wouldn't have left me, but now he is gone and I hadn't even had the chance to do something about these things, because I didn't know - that's just not fair! Wait, the only times when he brought something up was when I talked to him about sth he did and I had troubles to cope with, then he would say: "but you also do xxx..." and "you never do xxx..." (most of the time these things weren't even true still I was thinking about if they could be true), but then I have to admit I had troubles knowing whether this was for real or just to distract from what I was talking about - and he never came to me to talk about these things any time else. So I never really knew.

I admit that with this girl, there were times when I thought to myself "crikey, she's dragging me down - I could actually be enjoying myself right now", but every time, the honourable part of me said "but no, give it a chance, she loves you and wants to get better."

Yes, I know this so well! For the sake of love you let them go over your boundaries, you swallow things, but in the end - it can't work. I did it too. And somehow I expected him to be the same. Which he wasn't. When he was pissed or hurt he just left. Told me he is hurt, but not why, and then remained silent because he was hurting way too much to talk about it. If I said a wrong word out of anger he would hold that against me forever - while he was allowed to say the meanest things to me, but I had to understand he was angry and they didn't mean anything. I always had to be perfect somehow. Be careful with my words. He, however, wasn't. But still I tried to understand why he said it, why he did it. Again forgetting about how I felt about it and that I had a right to be sad and angry and mad... it's all about boundaries... and taking yourself seriuosly enough to stand up for yourself and your own needs and feelings.

I know I'm a man, that stereotypically, we're not supposed to show emotion

That's bollocks... and you know that! I (and many other women) like men who are strong enough to show their feelings, who know that being human and vulnerable is a wonderful trait! That's not needy, that's a sign of trust. And... no woman wants a super-robot by her side!

I always got through it and over it real quick, though, and frequently was comforting her at the same time.

Oh, yes. Sometimes when I felt depressed and cried, he felt so helpless and bad about it I had to comfort him and tell him that everything will work out. Other times he just left the room and I sat there crying on my own. Sometimes I when I cried I knew he must have noticed, but he simply didn't come to comfort me at all. Especially when he knew it was because of us.

I don't want to believe that the person I gave so much to wasn't good enough - I feel like my judge of character or my standards are too low. I don't know.

I'm also not sure if it's misjudging a person. I know that my problem is that I see what's inside a person and believe in that so strongly that I don't see what they're actually doing and showing and being, if you know what I mean. Perhaps it's the same with you. I definitely need to learn to attach more importance to what they actually do than to what they could be and are deep inside. And deep inside he is a wonderful man with a big heart but a soul which is completely lost at the moment. He doesn't (want to?) see it and he doesn't want any help. So I can't do anything about it but let him go. He has to find his own way now. Not matter how hard it is for me (and him?). Perhaps it's the same with your ex?

Now I just feel guilty. My ex wanted to end it, and I didn't give them the space they required. I need to accept that. My expectations were too high. Next time, I'll try and relax more.

Stop taking all the blame, stop beating youself up. You are allowed any expectations you have! And I'm pretty sure that your expectations weren't that high: you just wanted her to love, trust and respect you. What's to high about that?

Don't be so hard on you and finally start treating yourself with the love and care you had for her all this time. You are the number one in your life - it's about time to treat you like that too!

Love & light
Kyeema

[antinko]

Thanks Kyeema.

We did talk some things through, but I feel that it was mostly me trying to make changes because she was pointing them out. Perhaps I should have told her to make some changes too. Maybe it partially came down to the fact that, and I admit this, I was scared to criticize her a lot of the time out of fear of how she'd react.

I know we're allowed to show our emotions but throughout the relationship she had the outlook that showing them was a weakness of sorts. I am totally different in that respect though: I often encouraged her to show her emotions because I knew she could trust me. I trusted her too.

Also, thanks for telling me not to be so hard on myself. I do tend to blame myself for things which go wrong especially if they're things I really wanted to go right. I need to gain some more self respect. There's no reason why I shouldn't have a lot of self respect, but somehow, and I'm at a loss as to why, I put too much into her and the relationship validating my existence... That's not healthy. Maybe it was I who put too much pressure on her - blah! There I go blaming myself again. Stop it me!

As far as your situation goes, I wondered for a while if that was the case with my ex and I wonder if it's the same for you, but I also think it's less likely. If you google 'G.I.G.S' (as in 'grass is always greener syndrome) I feel it fits my situation quite well - not perfectly - but my ex certainly has some of the described traits.

Ultimately, in both our cases, and this might sound a bit painful, but we can both do better. We gave a lot to our partners but, for whatever reasons (I'm not even sure reasons matter anymore...certainly not in my case), they didn't want it and it's their loss. We can both offer somebody, who will appreciate and return our love equally, everything we did for our exes, but it's a case of attracting them.

It's a bitter pill to swallow and I know I will find this difficult, but I think we need to only accept those who do reciprocate our love equally. Then there's no pressure... I think. Feel free to disagree. :S

[Kyeema]

Ultimately, in both our cases, and this might sound a bit painful, but we can both do better. We gave a lot to our partners but, for whatever reasons (I'm not even sure reasons matter anymore...certainly not in my case), they didn't want it and it's their loss. We can both offer somebody, who will appreciate and return our love equally [...]

I think we need to only accept those who do reciprocate our love equally. Then there's no pressure...

Let's always remember this and... let's also always keep in mind that we have the right to choose who we give our love to!

In this spirit I wish you a good night!
Kyeema

[antinko]

Goodnight.

[Kyeema]

Antinko, how are you doing today?

[antinko]

I resisted contacting her. I also saw a therapist because I want to avoid doing this to myself in future too. The therapist basically just helped me confirm what I knew was true and sensible, albeit painful and difficult to face.

I know the girl I fell in love with was worth the time and effort. She was beautiful and radiant and I know she loved me. I know she wanted us to work, but there's something about her that didn't let it happen. It's her.

Despite her flaws and shortcomings, I put them aside and was willing to live with them because I loved her; she couldn't put my flaws aside and fell out of love with me, despite my flaws being no worse than hers. Everyone I spoke to, including my therapist, seems to agree: this girl loves the idea of being in love and loves the honeymoon period. She runs away when people get serious, though, and it's when I got serious about things that she ran off. Maybe I should have taken things more slowly, but ultimately, I know she would have done no matter how much I took my time. There was nothing I could do as it wasn't my fault. Neither was it her fault really - she wanted it to work, but it's just not in her make up.

It's over between us now and I won't get her back, neither should I want to. It hurts me to say this, but she doesn't know what she wants and the woman she is right now isn't worth my love. The woman I knew initially was, though, fleeting as it was in the grand scheme of things...

If she does have a heart, she'll sometimes think fondly of what we had and maybe miss it. I have to try and be strong now and move on.

I've got some things of hers which I really want to give back to her, but it's just an excuse to see her and old wounds will open if I do that. She can have them back if she wants them badly enough, though. I won't throw them away.

[antinko]

How are you too?