Am I abusing my wife?

**LOX** · 19-07-11, 06:13 AM

Hi guys, I hope you can help.

I've just had another (of many) arguments with my wife. The gist of which is my perception of her lack of willpower, discipline and dynamism. I've always been a bit of a wiseguy and control freak, I suppose - always knowing better and always being right. I have very high standards for myself and everyone around me, but somehow, I'm always disappointed when those people (including my wife) don't quite meet the standards I set for them in my mind.

What kills me is that I'm also quite often deeply disappointed in myself...

When we got married, 15 yrs ago, both of us were in decent shape. Since the birth of our 2nd child, she never got her weight under control again and now hardly does any exercise either. I'm in good shape and I work hard at staying fit and healthy. I also take care in what I eat. As much as I realize I can be an a..hole, sometimes, I don't think that I'm obsessed with fitness.

I feel betrayed that she has 'given up' on her fitness and health in general. I blame her for not being willing to suffer a little bit everyday for what she wants in life. Her lack of motivation and perseverance, as well as her semi-permanent depression is taking its toll on our love. As my respect for her dwindles, my love is also disappearing.

I love my kids, and so does she. They adore us both and are very happy children in general. I don't want to get a divorce, but would also not like to spend the rest of my life like this. I'm willing to accept that some (or most) of the blame can be laid in front of my door.

What do I do?

**Cerby** · 19-07-11, 06:21 AM

Couples counselling for you and her
Psychiatry for just you and your expectations/standards problems.

**Sonrisa** · 19-07-11, 06:29 AM

could you clarify on wife's daily routine? and yours? ages of kids?

**Wakeup** · 19-07-11, 06:41 AM

I suspect she is suffering from the effects of your controlling emotional abuse and takes it out on herself by over eating and having given up trying to please you. Congratulations... She's now the horrible example you've painted her to be for so long now. You win!

Individual and couples counceling is the order of the day.

**Sonrisa** · 19-07-11, 06:54 AM

Originally Posted by Wakeup

I suspect she is suffering from the effects of your controlling emotional abuse and takes it out on herself by over eating and having given up trying to please you. Congratulations... She's now the horrible example you've painted her to be for so long now. You win!

Individual and couples counceling is the order of the day.

i disagree, counseling won't help. he needs to work on being less controlling and on making time for her to take care of herself.

**Wakeup** · 19-07-11, 06:57 AM

Originally Posted by Sonrisa

i disagree, counseling won't help. he needs to work on being less controlling and on making time for her to take care of herself.

thats where I think the "personal" (or "individual") counceling will help him.

**LOX** · 19-07-11, 07:00 AM

Originally Posted by Sonrisa

could you clarify on wife's daily routine? and yours? ages of kids?

She is a homemaker. Her day starts with taking our kids to school. The rest of the morning is spent with errands, shopping, hobbies. (we have a full time housekeeper) The rest of the day consists of mom's taxi chores, reading and occasionally a visit to friends for drinks. I usually get home at 6:30pm. Another issue I'm trying to sort is my reaction when she's not home when I get back. I start off being very calm, but as the time ticks by (by this time she's already texted me that she's having drinks) I get all worked up. By the time she (and the kids) walk in, I'm like a little boy - tight lipped and furious with the whole world. I know I'm to blame...

**Sonrisa** · 19-07-11, 07:03 AM

Originally Posted by Wakeup

thats where I think the "personal" (or "individual") counceling will help him.

i don't believe in counseling period

**Sonrisa** · 19-07-11, 07:04 AM

Originally Posted by LOX

She is a homemaker. Her day starts with taking our kids to school. The rest of the morning is spent with errands, shopping, hobbies. (we have a full time housekeeper) The rest of the day consists of mom's taxi chores, reading and occasionally a visit to friends for drinks. I usually get home at 6:30pm. Another issue I'm trying to sort is my reaction when she's not home when I get back. I start off being very calm, but as the time ticks by (by this time she's already texted me that she's having drinks) I get all worked up. By the time she (and the kids) walk in, I'm like a little boy - tight lipped and furious with the whole world. I know I'm to blame...

marry me!!!!!

**LOX** · 19-07-11, 07:04 AM

BTW, I'm quite open to the idea of seeing a psychiatrist - i realize that I'm going thru a difficult stage of my life and frustrated with the state of my business at the moment. Hope I'm not just projecting...

**Wakeup** · 19-07-11, 07:07 AM

Originally Posted by Sonrisa

i don't believe in counseling period

Do you have any suggestions that he can use to stop being controlling? Lots of people don't believe in therapy but I've found that most of those that don't are capable of changing their mind set using their own personal tools and self-reflection. How would you suggest he go about learning to control his need to control others?

I will say the reading the book Codependent No More may help him to stop enabling her to be the person he dispises and is jonesing to change into the person he can tolerate.

lol at the "marry me" comment.

**LOX** · 19-07-11, 07:07 AM

Our kids are 10 and12yrs old.

**Sonrisa** · 19-07-11, 07:26 AM

Originally Posted by LOX

Our kids are 10 and12yrs old.

what are you wife's dimensions?

**surfhb** · 19-07-11, 07:34 AM

Jeesh! Sounds like a nice life she has! Shes depressed about something.... How's the sex life? Couples therepy is in order

Im with you though. If this was my wife, there better be a 4 course meal on the table every night and quarters bouncing off her ass!!!

**Wakeup** · 19-07-11, 07:43 AM

Originally Posted by surfhb

Jeesh! Sounds like a nice life she has! Shes depressed about something.... How's the sex life?

Im with you though. If this was my wife, there better be a 4 course meal on the table every night and quarters bouncing off her ass!!!

Why would she be doing that when she gets away with him enabling her to be the princess she appears to think she is? Nagging and trying to control outcomes with her sure aint working. OP: Get the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatie if you're not going to get personal counceling. While you're waiting for Sonrisa's next question you can read a chapter or two

.

She doesn't improve because she simply doesn't have to. You keep her around (while nagging) and that has learned her to just ignore your bravado while she continues on doing what the fk she pleases when it pleases her. (least that's how it looks to me).

Neither of you has any respect for the others wants and needs.

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