After 3 years: GF less into me the past weeks

[LoneWolfie]

Sounds like she may be craving a little more spontaneity. I'd eventually get bored with such routine. How old are you guys?

Can you do something like take her away for the weekend? My boyfriend and I do small weekend trips to LA occasionally. We've been planning to go to Monterey and/or Vegas soon.

Find some outdoor activities to do. Get your blood pumping.

I'm 27, she's 21. I was thinking of taking her for a weekend away to a lovely little village and beach she mentioned liking a lot and wanting to visit.

[lahnnabell]

Hrm... Okay, I see part of the problem here. Your age gap is a bit much. A girl at 21 has a very different mentality than a woman at 27. I'm going to be 27 in December and I've spent the last 2 years developing a career and finding stability. At 21 I had just graduated college, ran away to Europe for 5 months afterward, came back and lived in a 6-bedroom house with a bunch of my hippy-hipster friends.

Seems you are looking toward finding some of that stability, and she's still in party mode. She will most likely be this way for another couple of years before she be seeking something consistent. I was about 25 when I stopped chasing ambulances.

[LoneWolfie]

Hrm... Okay, I see part of the problem here. Your age gap is a bit much. A girl at 21 has a very different mentality than a woman at 27. I'm going to be 27 in December and I've spent the last 2 years developing a career and finding stability. At 21 I had just graduated college, ran away to Europe for 5 months afterward, came back and lived in a 6-bedroom house with a bunch of my hippy-hipster friends.

Seems you are looking toward finding some of that stability, and she's still in party mode. She will most likely be this way for another couple of years before she be seeking something consistent. I was about 25 when I stopped chasing ambulances.

Well when she was 18 she was in full on party mode till she met me and fell head over heels in love with me. She actually was the one who chased and approached me. Which according to her was the first time in her life she had to do that as the huge amount of guys she dated before me all came to her. Since she fell in love with me she became way more homely and spending less time at clubs and friends since i dont like clubs and i dont feel the need to be social every day, especially during the week when i got mentally exhausting IT servicedesk work to do. (Try turning it off and on again you @#$@#!!!) Which leads to a elevated amount of grumpiness when i get home, though i stay nice towards here and dont snap or snarl.

I never had any party mode to begin with, and i feel like im mentally around 21-24 years old insted of 27.

I gave her lots of stability and the happiness she had been looking for throughout her teenage years, she has told me this herself a dozen times. It allowed her to cope with her traumatic pasts and become a stable and mentally strong young woman. If you think that triggers a white knight syndrome alert, wait till you hear about how she used to call me...yup you guessed it, her shiny knight.
I was never out to 'fix her' or anything, just enjoying her company, kindness and love. If anything we both helped each other as i have been through some rough times the past 3 years because of the failing economy making it impossible for me to find the work i have been studying almost a decade for. (Huge impact on my self esteem but she kept believing in me)

As for tonight, she is sleeping in my bed at the moment. We spend the evening having sex, watching funny youtube videos, talking about my american accent as a dutchman and accents in general, and telling some stories from our past. Such as me cycling through a thunderstorm as a little boy and her dancing in her underwear with her friends during a tropical shower. Also me needing a suit for a potential better job i might get, and how she'd love to tie my tie every morning before i go to work and how i would look sexy in a proper suit. We chatted and watched random stuff for hours and had some more sex before going to sleep. All in all id say the evening had some pretty positive "us together in the future" vibe to it. (I snuck out for a snack, posting this and sneaking back in bed to let her snuggle up to me again.)

Could it be that her recent exam stresses made her wish for more freedom and breaking free of responsibility? She really was having sleepless nights and close to a nervous breakdown by the looks of it. And her "im less into you the past week or two" phase would line up with the end of her exam periods. If she wants to not forsake the other things in life that is of course perfectly reasonable and fine. As long as she stays physically and emotionally faithful to me, does not neglect 'us' , stays happy with me and doesnt cause me to be needlessly concerned. Her behaviour the past weeks combined with the "im less into you" statement just makes me concerned that perhaps all those insecurities i had about her losing interest in me might prove one day true.

[lahnnabell]

Seems like it could be tied to her exams. How much longer is she in school?

[LoneWolfie]

Seems like it could be tied to her exams. How much longer is she in school?

Her summer vacation started 1,5 week ago when her exams ended. She will be in uni for another 2 years or so.

EDIT: Not sure what i should do the coming days. Should i really still back-off? She told me she will likely be busy playing videogames with her online friends tonight. Usually that was every monday till thursday but they expanded their "raid nights" to sunday aswell since last week. *sighs*

At the moment she is busy playing with and chatting with her online friends. I dont know if i should ask her if she wants to do anything together today. Might have the opposite effect. Should i just get busy and be "unavailable"?

[KingZ]

Her summer vacation started 1,5 week ago when her exams ended. She will be in uni for another 2 years or so.

EDIT: Not sure what i should do the coming days. Should i really still back-off? She told me she will likely be busy playing videogames with her online friends tonight. Usually that was every monday till thursday but they expanded their "raid nights" to sunday aswell since last week. *sighs*

At the moment she is busy playing with and chatting with her online friends. I dont know if i should ask her if she wants to do anything together today. Might have the opposite effect. Should i just get busy and be "unavailable"?

I find that gaming is a good way to escape reality, which is probably one of the reasons we do it anyway. You can either let her escape or make her reality better (haha).

If it were me I'd probably find something to do with other friends, but let her know that she's more than welcome to join and come with you. I wouldn't ruin the raids, though.

[LoneWolfie]

I find that gaming is a good way to escape reality, which is probably one of the reasons we do it anyway. You can either let her escape or make her reality better (haha).

If it were me I'd probably find something to do with other friends, but let her know that she's more than welcome to join and come with you. I wouldn't ruin the raids, though.

No i wouldnt ruin the raids. I dont want to be childish and she's allowed her hobbies, unless she starts to consistently neglect her relationship because of it.

It's ironic, she's my first relationship lasting longer than 3 months, and i always feared that my videogaming hobbies would cause me to neglect my girlfriend. I got her into videogaming, and now she's more serious about them than i am.

I am not sure if you meant it as a joke, but i made her reality a whole lot better than it used to be. I am guessing maybe she got an "overdose" of my humor and attention and it makes spending time with and talking with me less fun.

- Do i ignore it and carry on as before?
- Do i try to find new stuff to do with her?
- Do i give her distance and only let her make the first moves?
- Do i make myself less available by focusing on friends/hobbies?

[lahnnabell]

She really spends all that time online gaming? Yikes. I don't know how you guys do it. She doesn't have any outdoor hobbies? She'd really rather sit inside and indulge in a fantasy world than the one just outside her door?

[LoneWolfie]

She really spends all that time online gaming? Yikes. I don't know how you guys do it. She doesn't have any outdoor hobbies? She'd really rather sit inside and indulge in a fantasy world than the one just outside her door?

No no, i think i mentioned how she spent the entire saturday afternoon hanging out at a friend's place. She also still likes to go clubbing every now and then. Of course also shopping and meeting up with friends at uni. Basically all the things a girl with a social life would have. Infact she is the most social person to ever play videogames. Admittidly, her social life took a steep drop since she met me because of her prefering to spend time with me. Now that i think about it, it might actually have been just a matter of time before she got less interested in me because of the 'overdose of me' she gave herself.

She's highly competitive in both her uni course and in the online games she plays. The whole "fantasy" part of it she doesnt care about, just the competition, social aspects, progress and tactics of World of Warcraft raiding and Starcraft 2 matches.

Her free time is spent chatting and playing with her online friends. Or meeting up with real life friends and classmates to hang out or do stuff with them. When she isnt doing either of those, she's spending time hanging out with me. And this last thing is what she used to do the most the past 3 years. Overal i think the past 2 weeks i have gotten 1/3rd or 1/4th of her total free time and attention. Which is acceptable, as long as no single person other than me who isnt family of hers gets to spend more time with her. Because that might give the impression she could be 'interested' in that person. (she's bi-sexual so it counts for both genders.)

If anything, i am the one indulging in fantasy books, games and movies. Though i have become way more social than the recluse geek i used to be, i actually think she helped with that without trying, the same way i made her more 'homely' without trying.

Interestingly, while i was taking a walk she texted me earlier to ask if we could watch a short show together before she is needed by her friends in the online game. I agreed, went home, we watched the show and she seemed to enjoy it. When it ended she went off to play and i am going to do my own thing again.

Is it me or does that sound kinda "submissive" from my end? Which is ironic because she always says she prefers to be the submissive one. (Not talking about sex...well ...not JUST about sex.) I dont mind this because my free time and hobbies are more flexible than hers.

The positive thing is that both today and yesterday she has shown to still have interest in doing stuff together and seemingly enjoying the time with me. It's probably way too early to determine if she is again 'into me' as much as before, but it is positive that it hasnt seem to have gone down further the past days.

[IncognitoSir]

Best advice I can give you is to stay busy man. This is what happens when someone no longer knows what they want. Speaking from experience, her actions probably aren't going to match what she says too much. I know, this is this is very phucking confusing. That's why you need to stay busy, occupy yourself so you don't sit around worrying about the state of your relationship because it will only make things worst I promise you this. She does need to miss you though. I also struggled with the thought of only spending time with my ex when SHE wanted too. If you want it to work out, you're gonna have to roll with it and see what happens. I, on the other hand did not roll with it, but my situation was a tad bit different. Nonetheless, she still seems some what interested in you, but at the tender age of 21, there is no telling whats going on with her.....

[lahnnabell]

Best advice I can give you is to stay busy man. This is what happens when someone no longer knows what they want. Speaking from experience, her actions probably aren't going to match what she says too much. I know, this is this is very phucking confusing. That's why you need to stay busy, occupy yourself so you don't sit around worrying about the state of your relationship because it will only make things worst I promise you this. She does need to miss you though. I also struggled with the thought of only spending time with my ex when SHE wanted too. If you want it to work out, you're gonna have to roll with it and see what happens. I, on the other hand did not roll with it, but my situation was a tad bit different. Nonetheless, she still seems some what interested in you, but at the tender age of 21, there is no telling whats going on with her.....

I totally agree with this. All of it. The more you tie yourself up in thoughts about what's going on with your relationship, the more depressed you're going to feel. You'll drive yourself crazy. I've done it when I should've gotten my ass up and out of the house!

21 can be confusing for a lot of people. Some days you want consistency and the warm blanket of something familiar, other days you want to burst out of your skin and go crazy.

The busier you keep yourself the less you'll be thinking of, "I wonder when I'm going to see GF next. Or what she's doing. Or who she's with." Time will pass and you'll learn to enjoy the time that you don't spend with her. Who knows, you may even realize you like that time better. Never know, man.

[LoneWolfie]

Thanks for all the advice people

I am going to try to follow your advice(s) and focus less on thinking and worrying if my relationship is still as solid and tight as it should/can be. I think i might be too focused on trying to nip any (real or imaginary) problems in the butt since i dont want to neglect my relationship and find out about a problem when it is already too late.

I'll need to find a balance between working on my relationship to keep it healthy and just relaxing, feeling safe in it and not making mountains out of molehills.

I think i am smart enough to realise that my insecurity makes me blow stuff up. And dont get me wrong, i like blowing stuff up, but that's the explosion kind.

Last night things actually seemed normal again and while we were goofing off i joked that the 'not so into me anymore' comment she made appearantly wasnt as serious as it sounded and she agreed with that. I joked that she'd never lose interest in me anyway because im the best goddamn boyfriend a girl could have (complete with a mocking self assured look and fonzie-style "eeeey!"...). She laughed at that, hugged me and told me that i indeed am.

I think this stuff is sorted now. But if i am worried about relationship stuff i'll likely come back here for advice or support.

[jnr1005]

Try taking her out..not just in the bedroom. She probably wants to hang with people and have a good time, and you could do it together.

[LoneWolfie]

Try taking her out..not just in the bedroom. She probably wants to hang with people and have a good time, and you could do it together.

I do take her out, and not just the bedroom. Not sure why some people seem to think i only have sex with her hehe. I think i mentioned that one of the things we do is go visit friends or meet up with them at a pub etc. Actually last friday i asked if she would have preferred it if i was able to come along clubbing with her and she answered with "guess so".
That might be because i am not too fond of clubs and feel a bit uncomfortable in them so she doesnt want me to do something i am not really into, even if it is for her happiness. That's one of the things i love about her.
Or it could be that she wanted some time away from me, as i mentioned before she seemed more into me again the days following that friday.

And i still take her out to dates now and then, though id like to try some new stuff like just visiting a lovely market, faire, or festival. Or a romantic picnic.

One thing that has been kinda 'difficult' with her is that when i ask what she would like to do, or if she would like to do activity X or Y she tends to be submissive and answer with shrugs or "whatever you like doing most", "dunno", and then when i pick something she seems to not enjoy it, sometimes after prodding it turns out she would have rather done something else together, or nothing at all.

[lahnnabell]

One thing that has been kinda 'difficult' with her is that when i ask what she would like to do, or if she would like to do activity X or Y she tends to be submissive and answer with shrugs or "whatever you like doing most", "dunno", and then when i pick something she seems to not enjoy it, sometimes after prodding it turns out she would have rather done something else together, or nothing at all.

I hate this routine. This you can't fix, and don't even bother trying. This is another clear indication she has no idea what she wants. I hate it when my boyfriend does this sh*t.