Besotted and destroyed in a few days

[RRS]

I would really appreciate some advice about how to cope with what seem to be utterly irrational feelings of loss and disappointment. I apologise for the length of this post, but I'm not sure how to condense it given my confusion.

I'm a mature male student of 29 years, and I started back to University last year. Needless to say, I've been meeting a lot of younger people and have already made some great new friends. Of course there have been some girls on my course that I've been attracted to, but this girl came out of left field and crushed me with confusion. She's only 19... I vowed to myself a few years ago that I'd never get involved with a teen again and oh how I wish I'd stuck to my guns.

So a group of about 30 of us were out on a sort of field trip for a month, and I'd never spoken to her before then. She's so bubbly and friendly, funny, pretty, intelligent and all-round likeable and most of this came across to me as soon as we started talking – everyone loves this girl. Anyway, my attraction towards her built with every little interaction and especially her generosity and kindness. I wasn't sure, but I thought that she might like me too. Fast forward one week and we were all having a drink in the pub after completion of our field work, she was at the opposite side of the table from me and we barely exchanged glances, which I was cool with, because I was comfortable with just finding her extremely attractive. A few drinks later and she got up and sat beside me and we chatted the rest of the night away. I was convinced she liked me by this point and my need to at least TRY and explore this possibility was now firmly planted in my brain. She had been invited to our house-warming party the following Monday. As Monday wore on, it became clear that she wasn't the same bubbly person of the previous weeks, barely drinking, keeping to the background - she seemed uncomfortable, although she had given me more encouragement earlier on that day. Anyway I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk in the nearby park, she did. We talked and walked, I appreciated her beauty and her exotic life (she's a foreign student – from the U.S.) and I told her how I felt about her. We kissed and cuddled and it was so very perfect that it seemed like something from a novel. She had gotten all giggly and seemed every bit as in to me as I was her, and her big brown eyes smiled at me with what seemed genuine adoration. She didn't stick around at the party for long that night, asking me to walk her home – I gladly did, and it was perfect too. When we reached her place, her mum (who she is apparently very close to and who had been staying with her for a month) let her in to her house. I briefly said hello to her and enjoyed their accents as they had a girlie chat. When her mum went inside again we arranged to meet in a couple of days as she was busy the next day.

Two days later we met briefly, before joining up with a group of Uni friends to go to the cinema. She kissed me and mentioned various things that I picked up on, suggesting I had given her confidence in a certain aspect of her looks – good, right? We met up with our friends and watched the mediocre film, I restrained myself from touching her too much (which was hard work), worried about making her feel uncomfortable in front of our friends. So we left the film messed about for a bit, unable to shake off our gormless friends despite my best subtle efforts. I eventually had to just tell one of them to bugger off. And so for 10 or so blissful minutes I had her to myself once more. We talked and kissed and cuddled again, but we were close to her place and her mum had been texting her about dinner. After meeting her mum again briefly, we went outside to discuss what we wanted to do. I said that I could tell she wanted to stay in with her mum, she seemed shocked at my intuition and also shocked when I didn't throw a tantrum about it. I was playing it cool, I didn't want to piss her or her mum off, and so we arranged to meet the next day. More adoring eyes, more kisses and she told me that she really liked me and wanted to take it slow – the feeling was mutual and I walked home with a spring in my step.

Next day, I'd been up from 8am and was desperately trying to keep myself busy despite a horrible niggling feeling in the back of my mind that something wasn't right. Despite my two texts that morning, she didn't text me until about 15 minutes before we might have met, saying that she was just awake and “hypothetically” how would I react if she wanted to spend the day with her mum again – she hadn't seen her very much because of the fieldwork. I said I'd be disappointed, but I didn't want to try and come between her and her mum. She suggested that we meet the following day. I have to explain at this point how ridiculously strongly I felt, and still feel to an extent about this girl... I've been with plenty of women in the past, but never before have I had this feeling of... Destiny? The rest of the day was an exercise in distraction, I needed to keep my head busy because the sense of foreboding that I had was so powerful. So the next day arrived and I texted her asking where to meet her later, I couldn't sleep so I went for a run, met up with some friends, had a coffee with them, went to the pub to play pool, making sure to stay off of the drink myself. I cracked while playing a game of pool, as the rough time of our supposed meeting approached, and sent her a message asking her to throw me a bone. She replied shortly afterwards saying that she didn't think we could meet and that she'd met up with an ex at a party the night before and they were going to give it another go and that she was sorry. I sent her a flippant text, “sure, later then”, or some such idiocy and I played the rest of the game of pool with my head elsewhere, somewhere miserable and dark with a feeling of desperation welling up inside of me. I had to call her and did so as soon as I lost. It was a double loss as she reiterated on the phone what she had said in her text, only saying “maaayyybeee” when I asked if we could meet. I knew her well enough to know that was a no. Her tone throughout the short call changed from exasperation to anger saying I could call her a bitch if I wanted, to sadness. I said goodbye and excused myself from my friends company and the pub. On my slow walk home I sent her a long text saying that she'd hurt me, but it wasn't her fault because I had been irrational about the whole thing. I assured her that I wouldn't bitch about her to class mates and that I hoped she had a nice summer. She didn't reply.

The following two days were a hellish pressure cooker of emotion the likes of which I'd never before known. The feelings of loss and pain were immeasurable and mixed in with anger at myself for falling for a teen and also for becoming so besotted in such a short space of time. Two days later a friends wife made me realise how pathetic I was being, when I said there was no way I was ready to give up on her yet and she replied to not let her see me in that state. I wasn't crying, I wasn't yelling, I was just a soul-drained, love-sick puppy. That day I tried calling her to talk – just as friends. She didn't answer, twice. I sent her a text to which there was no reply and, fed up with waiting for her replies sent her a very matter of fact text. We were class mates after all, why not clear up any awkwardness? She replied saying that there was no awkwardness and she was busy, so some other time ok? I said I'd be in touch in the next few days, after the parades which happen here at this time every year, which I try to avoid like the plague. In the mean time I commented on her photos in FaceBook, simply because they're really good and to this she replied in a friendly manner.

Now the parades have been and gone and my message was sent last night, just asking her if we could talk so I could sort out my head on the subject, and if I didn't hear from her to have a good summer. The message was sent 15 hours ago, and I'm fairly certain there will be no reply. And I'm torn because I still adore this girl, or perhaps my idea of this girl, and so does everyone else. FaceBook shows her having a good laugh, although there's no mention of her “ex” in either text or picture format and her relationship status hasn't changed. I've been trying to come across like I'm having a good time on FaceBook too - but I'm just not. Is it normal for people to just absolutely ignore other like this? I mean we're class mates and come September, she's changing from joint to exactly the same subject as me – we're going to be seeing a fair amount of each other... It seems rational to clear things up, no? She will be going back to America soon for a while and I'm off to do some fieldwork around Europe for a month, should I try again after that? Should I try and forget her despite the fact that nobody's hit me so hard ever before, and that she did it in such a short space of time? What is she trying to achieve by ignoring me? Surely she can't feel such apathy towards me since we got on well and were clearly attracted to one another, and I haven't said anything “bad”... Does it seem like there could be any chance in the future? Does her ex exist or perhaps her mum got all protective because of our age difference and persuaded her to make up that story?

I feel like an absolute idiot and far too old for this, but here it is. And here am I. And I wish I wasn't.

Can anyone give any advice?

[The Gent]

I know that feeling, bro. Don't beat yourself up over feeling "too old" for this. I'm 26 now & the last few girls I've been involved with range from like 19-24.
You're only a few years older than me so don't stress yourself out over how you feel....I still feel like a 15 year old when I meet a new girl & we hit it off lol.

Down to business though, dude, I can relate to this situation all too well. Meet someone. Think they're amazing. End up feeling smitten. Then, boom the old "ex" line.
It's an odd sensation, having invested so much time & emotional energy into someone. Whether it's by spending time together or something as simple as texting loads, and then to have that contact severed for seemingly no reason. I can appreciate that you feel lost & perhaps even verging on heartbroken.

However dude, on the upside, you haven't known her too long. Imagine how you'd feel if you'd gotten seriously involved with her & she pulled this shit 6 months down the line. You seem like a sensitive dude so I imagine you'd be even more crushed than you appear to be now.
Try to resist calling & texting her my friend. I know it's difficult. I imagine you're checking your phone a lot, just in case she's texted yeah?

It's easier said than done but try not to dwell on this situation. Spend more time with your buddies & family etc. Once you stop showing this girl attention, she may get in touch again. And, if she doesn't...was she really as wonderful as she first appeared? Admiring someone blinds you to their faults somewhat.

Anyways, hope that makes sense...it's a bit all over the place!
Hope things work out for you though, dude. This type of situation does my head right in!

[RRS]

Thanks for the reply The Gent. I guess one of the things that really got me about this whole thing was that I had developed strong feelings so quickly without being given the chance to explore their validity. Yeah, I need to try and forget about her, but the whole being in the same class thing is going to be weird.

[The Gent]

Yeah man, I remember when a girl started showing me loads of attention. We couldn't get enough of each other, always texting/on the phone to each other. Then one day, she stopped talking altogether & I found out she was seeing someone else.
At first I was like "awww man, wtf?". But, then I realised...I didn't really know anything about the girl in question. I was so taken by her doing all the chasing that I didn't allow myself time to 'know' her before I started liking her. I get the impression this is similar to how things happened with you & her.

Hopefully, you'll get over these feelings a lot sooner than you think you will. Life's too fleeting to waste tears on those who won't shed any for you, chief. Don't listen to any romantic songs. Don't watch any sad movies. And don't check her Facebook profile much lol.
You'll be back to your old self in no time

[bulrush]

This girl is no longer interested in you. I'm sorry, don't take it personally. Everyone is looking for something different.

You're 29 and you feel too old for this? Well let me tell you, son, I'm in my early 40's and been through a divorce. I'm now getting really good at figuring out what I want, and finding girls that meet my needs. It's hard to find that "Just right" girl, but when I do find her (and I have several times) it's really really good. Each girl I date seems to be better than the last in some way, and things are going great. So don't give up. Maybe take a break, but don't give up.

Think hard about the 3-4 top things that you need, write them down. Now go find a girl that can meet those needs. Sex is, I assume, a need for you. So put that on your list.

I suggest you get over this girl somehow. Do something to get your mind off her, and give it some time.

[RRS]

Ya know, I tried to explain as much as I could in my post, but inevitably these things are always a little more complex. You guys have helped me make sense of this whole thing... I definitely think there's a third party shutting me down, and I'm not convinced it's Mister ex. Anyway, I can't help but still like the girl but I've already started to get over her... Sleeping well, thinking straight and having a good time are hopefully things that I won't take for granted for a while! Although the awkward social repercussions of us being class mates are already looming... Anyway that's most definitely her bad, because I was genuinely trying to smooth things over and will not be made to feel responsible for this thing!

She hit me hard, and I have really learned from this, no girl has ever messed me about like this before. Closure is really important, even if it was only an extremely brief "relationship"... She gave me no closure what so ever. The last time I saw her she told me she really liked me and wanted to take things slow and everything was good. That's no way to end any kind of relationship, especially if you want to leave people's sanity intact. But as I mentioned before, I still like her and the possibility of something happening in the future doesn't disgust, but for now she's being filed away in some deep, dark drawer in a seldom visited corner of my mind (well I'll try my best anyway!).

Thanks again chaps!