Sexual chats, occasionally with 16 year olds

[Anna25]

Hello forum. For anyone that recalls my last thread, things greatly improved since then. I was having doubts about my relationship with my bf but he really made great strides and we worked on things together, the relationship today is better than ever. We even decided to move in together. Things have been almost perfect.

I would like your advice on something that came up yesterday. My boyfriend likes to go into chats, he's done this since his teens. He mostly chats because he finds it interesting talking to people there but some are also sexual. For the most part, its questions out of interest, like what someone's fantasies are and what they have done, vs "what are you wearing". I have accepted this and our rule is that he doesn't webcam with the person, nor meet them.

Yesterday, he mentioned a conversation he had with a 15 year old. I was concerned to hear her age, though I understand their conversation wasn't sexual. I asked if he has had sexual conversations with teenage girls and he was avoiding my questions which I found upsetting. Long story short, he must have realized I was very upset to hear about this so he came clean and told me the following: He goes into chats in order to talk to people, also girls. Its hard to get a girl to talk to you and people lie about their age. However, even when he has found out a girl's age was 16 or something of that nature, if he was already turned on by that point he didn't exit the chat.

I was very upset and asked what would happen if it was a 13 year old, he looked away in disgust and said "I have limits". When I asked what the cut-off point is for him he said 15. He's 26, btw.

The conversation ended with my making it clear I don't find it ok to sexually chat with a girl that is underage. After our conversation, he agreed it isn't totally ok but was vague on what that means. He asked if I demand he stop. I didn't really know what to say.

What do you think? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? (Considering I am ok with him having sexual chats, that's not the problem its their age). Is 15/16 old enough for me to not be concerned? Or is this a red flag?

[vashti]

I wouldn't be okay with my boyfriend having sexual chats with ANYONE, but especially a child.

I really hope we don't end up reading about your boyfriend in the papers one day for attempting to meet up for sex with underage girls.

[devonbrown]

You allow him to have sexual chats with other people. That is your call.

But when we are talking about a 15/16 year old child, we are talking about something different. It could be illegal in places, not to mention most places would find it morally reprehensible.

I would tell him that most people in chat rooms lie about their ages/genders anyway. Tell him when he thinks he is talking to a teenage girl, it is probably a 53 year old man who is just using that persona to get a younger guy off. Maybe that will make your bf think twice about it.

[Incognito]

I didn't read any other thread posted by you, but I think that allowing your boyfriend to have sexual conversations with other people online shows a lack of self respect and self worth on your part (whether you want to admit it or not). You making it clear that he can't use a webcam or meet these people means nothing. The fact that he is willing to sexually chat with a girl as young as 15 is disgusting. I suspect that he wouldn't mind a lower age but chose a higher number in hopes that you'd be less offended/concerned. Ask him if he'd be ok with his 13-15 year old daughter having sexual conversations with a 26 year old man.

The only plus side that I see here is that he came clean about what he was doing, but that doesn't change the situation at all.

[lahnnabell]

Do you think that if you don't allow him to have these "chats" that he'll leave you? 'Cause I think that your allowing this is giving him permission to blur the boundary lines in all sorts of ways. And now you found out he's chatting with teens. Ugh. I would've thrown up on his shoes.

He was most likely attempting to come clean in some ways so that you'd hopefully be satisfied and quit asking questions. This could turn very serious very quickly and when that happens he'll be a sexual predator (I think he can already be called such). This is how I found out my father was committing all sorts of nefarious acts. I was 17, using the family computer for homework when a chat window popped up. It was from some woman and I blindly told her my dad wasn't available. She then attempted to get me to chat with her by asking sexual questions. Didn't take me long before I was bringing showing this stuff to my mom and 6 months later she drew up divorce papers. My dad is still walking the same path, with a crappy job, and got himself kicked out of a bunch of living spaces. Not saying your guy will go this way, but that's how bad it could get.

[Junket]

That 15 year old girl could be a cop.

[lahnnabell]

That 15 year old girl could be a cop.

Also very true.

[Incognito]

That 15 year old girl could be a cop.

I hope that 15 year old WAS a cop and that they got his IP address.

[MaidenMinx]

I will admit when I was 15 I liked older guys (no older than 21) but that was back in a time before the internet (I feel so old. :p ) These days I can't believe how young 15 really is.

This is a red flag. A huge one. Sure, once upon a time 15 was old enough to marry and start having a family, but we don't live in those times any more. The laws are there to protect the innocence of those who don't know any better. Sure these girls probably think they're old enough to do what they are doing but your bf and people like him should be leaving these girls alone to experience these things with boys their own age.

[DannyH]

I feel an episode of loveforum.net special edition of to catch a predator coming on. When I play a game online I come in contact with young ins but I'm in a game. A chatroom or whatnot that is just a big nono.

[Horseyguy]

The OP is enabling her BF's perverted behaviour and should just kick him in the nuts and dump him

[Anna25]

Thank you all for responding. I only got a chance to read the first two posts before having the conversation I knew I needed to have with him. I think I just needed that kick in the pants and also to affirm that I'm not crazy. I can't talk about these kinds of intimate matters with anyone so I appreciate the feedback.

In short, I made it clear that I am NOT ok with this in any way shape or form and that it must stop, that he should realize that on his own. He agreed and has already made steps to prevent this from happening in future. You can think he's a pervert if you want but I don't think that's what happened. He doesn't target these girls, they lie and sometimes after hours of chatting you find out. He's been in these chatrooms since his teens and I believe he never stopped to think of the passage of time and that at 26, it is no longer appropriate if a girl is 16 and the conversation heads in a sexual direction.

It wasn't an easy conversation and at first what he had to say was that it almost never happens but after we left the conversation and he thought over what I had said, he agreed with me. I asked him if he thought it was ok to be with an underage girl and he said "of course not!", for some reason he hadn't made the distinction with chats. Perhaps BECAUSE so many lie there about who they are and what age.

As I mentioned, he has said he will put a stop to it. I believe him, he has always been open and honest and whenever he has said he will do something difficult, he has followed through.

I think that allowing your boyfriend to have sexual conversations with other people online shows a lack of self respect and self worth on your part (whether you want to admit it or not).

I thought about what you said here. I will probably think about this for a long time. This may be a valid point but I need to think about it some more. The thing is, when I think about him chatting with others (over 18, naturally) it really doesn't bother me. I'm not thrilled and I don't want details, anymore than I care to know what porn he watches. But I genuinely don't recall feeling hurt or cheated upon or not good enough because he likes to chat sometimes with others. I only become uncomfortable about it when I hear reactions like yours, saying I should be upset with him and there's something wrong with me because I'm not. It used to be that porn was this huge taboo too. Am I supposed to not allow this in my relationship because most relationships don't? Because posters like you tell me I'm weak for not feeling as hurt as they would. If I'm genuinely not hurt and others aren't, is it really wrong?

[Anna25]

I would like to ask a couple more questions because I feel you brought up things I need to think about and be sure about:

1) If you still think he is a pervert, please tell me why. I want to understand so I can pinpoint what the red flags are and see if you are correct and I need to leave him. Or if he was just an idiot that made the occasional mistake, never bothering to check that he was doing something not ok. (FYI, to my understanding the chats weren't "what are you wearing" they were more along the lines of a conversation that led to "what kind of sexual experiences have you had". Which is something he asks more out of interest and curiosity in most of his chats).

2) Do you think I should show him this thread? There were some very strong reactions and I'm thinking it might help him to see how others view this behavior so he understands its not just me. He's already agreed to put a stop to it so I don't know how necessary/beneficial this might be but I wanted to get your feedback on this.

Thank you for your time and opinions.

[MaidenMinx]

I think the general area of concern, in regards to allowing this kind of conversation, is that by having these conversations, there is a chance for feeling to become involved. Even if your bf can remain detached, how can you assure every woman he has that kind of chat with doesn't become attached? It's playing with fire essentially.

Also the distinction between this and porn is that porn doesn't talk back.

[Mona_B]

Unlike most people here I believe if you have a good relationship, that your boyfriends chats don't mean that much and you are not lacking self-respect. As long as he is open about it and sticks with chatting, it is harmless fun - in my eyes. However, he needs to be VERY careful not to chat with minor-aged girls. Not so much because it is perverted. I mean most 16 year old girls are not little children anymore, they like to explore their fantasies and I believe most can make a difference between this and the real world. It is not like he is thirty years older and a dirty old man. But also girls in that age like to fall in love and get attached, this can be a problem. It could cause damage. In that sense he has a responsibility because he is older. It is good advice that he stays away from them.

And the legal side of course, as already said.