Dishonest

[Andy_911]

Hey guys! Need everyone’s opinions badly – short or long – anything will help. Please pay attention to the sequence of the events because they are really important. It’s going to be long and I apologize for it but I don’t have an option. It has to be long to make sense and it’s very serious so please write something. Please.

Her [Age 25] and me [Age 24] first started feeling for each other 6 years ago [May 2005], but it lasted only 1 month or so because I had to shift to a different country. It was a practical decision to end it then. From that time, my feelings died quickly but she was still into me and used to send me emails here and there. We were not in contact everyday – may be once every two months at most. I got really careless and never paid attention to her emails. She told me around July 2008 [she actually had boyfriend since mid-2006] that she has a boyfriend and they are more like close friends. One day [June 2010], I went and read all the emails and saw she somewhere still loved me. I really felt for her and sent her an email that how I have been bad and careless to her and am sorry for everything and love you as a friend. I asked her if she ever expected me back, she answered yes.

Anyways, we started to chat a lot after I sent that email and she mentioned often that her relationship is not going well. We talked normal for few months. Around, August 15th 2010 She told me that she has broken up with her bf. Few days later I asked her if she wants to date in October when she was planning to come to the country I live in, she agreed. So from that time we talked a lot and I mean love talks… chatted like bf-gf and shared a lot of emotions. Fast-forward it to October, we dated and had lots of fun. It seemed that she would also shit where I live in 2 years, so we thought why not give it a try to a serious relationship this time around.

She went back to her country and was in contact with her ex so I asked if she has told him about me and her, she answered that she can’t do it now because he is having some other issues in life and will be further hurt so I said okay do it when you get chance. 6 months passed {Long distance] and every other week we had fights over why don’t you tell him… but she never really told him.

Then came April 2011 when I went to her country and we once again had great time. I one day told her how bad it hurts me that she does not tell him about us, so she finally agreed to tell. Anyways, one day I decided to meet her ex anyways just to have a talk with him. I found that they actually broke up on October 15th [Online] when she was dating me!!!! And they actually had sex 25th august and also kissed him quite often even in September. So basically she told me that she has broken up on 15th of August or so and started chatting like everything was over ex side and has already started with me – and that time she was having sex with him. I asked her why she lied about the break up– her answer was she did not want to lose me this time and wanted to keep me around. Asked her why had sex with him then? She said she was imagining me!!!! And asked why she kissed him in September time – she said it was feeling-less kisses. She even messaged him before boarding to plane to come here that she loves him – she says that love you was feeling-less also.

So all this lies is one problem – shows dishonesty. And all throughout 6 months I asked her to tell him but she never did is the second big problem. I had sleepless nights and her answer was that she did not understand my feelings and my pain. She used to tell me how insecure I was and how her ex is still her best friend and she will lose him if she tells him about her and me. So for that reason along with she also did not wanted to hurt him, she did not tell him! I guess she saw his problems before mine! Because she obviously did not see my pain.

That’s not all. I asked her at the start of the relationship to be very honest and tell about physical relation with ex. She told me it was upper only and as I investigated more few days later, she said they did everything but only 2 times. I asked her ex about that. He said they used to it 4 times a week and have done about 200 times or so.!!!!! ANOTHER LIE. Her answer to this was that I would have gotten hurt. On the positive side, his ex told me that they had no such since October but he definitely had feelings left for her so in 1 way, my insecure feeling was justified.

To recap, she lied about break up and did physical things even when she started relationship with me. She hurt my feelings by not telling him and she lied at the start of relationship by saying the physical relationship was limited – when it was not.
After my meeting with her ex, I went her house. At first, she tried to defend every single thing she did and then later started apologizing and said she will do ANYTHING to get me back. I did not say yes to her. I tried to ignore her but she contacted me in many ways and promised me that she will make up for all this. At that point, I was all broken and disgusted. I did not want to give her chance but somewhere I felt that she is not that bad of a person and decided to give her a chance.

I then had to come back to my country. She talked very nicely from then on over the phone and online chats. As couple of months passed by, she started saying that in every fight, I use past a lot (which is true, I mention past a lot but my excuse to use it that has only been 2 months). She keeps blaming me that how I can’t forget past. Naturally, my feelings went down because of past as well and she says that its wrong! She deserves to be loved! But I don’t feel same for her. I have told her that its not same but may be when we will spend more time together it will get better, she says that she is impatient and can’t talk with a feeling-less me because that makes her sad or mad. I tell her how hard it was for me and still gave her a chance and trying my best to keep up with it but she says that “wow you have done such a big favor on me”

My questions:
1. How big of a mistake did she made according to you?
2. Are 2-3 months enough to get over it, if not then what amount of time is normal?
3. Would you have given a girl that did all this, a second chance?
4. I find it very hard to feel same for her and might never do. Am I being normal here or all this should not have hurt my feelings that much?
5. She says she sent me a lot of cards and have apologized 100 times and now she deserved to be treated just like I treated her before we had these problems but I just cant seem to get those feelings back. It’s natural.
6. Most important, How much time will it take to trust this person again (provided that we are not spending real time together – just online chats last 3 months)?
7. Just suggest me what I should from here on.
Thanks a lot for spending valuable time! You don’t know how badly I need help!! So appreciate it from bottom of my heart.

[Cerby]

1) big enough to tell her to **** off
2) not relevant
3) no second chance, no no no
4) you shouldn't feel for her anymore after how she has treated you. You still do, but should move on
5) she doesn't deserve **** all from you, "sorry" doesn't make things better in this case. Do not forgive
6) trust is hard to get, and near impossible to get back. You should never trust a manipulative girl like this.
7) You should get out of this situation, she is NOT worth your time. Find a real woman.

[Faerie]

1) I think that she made a big mistake and that if she wanted to be with you she shouldn't have lied about her ex or had sex with him while in a relationship with you.
2) This is different for everybody, but it is quite common not to be over someone in 2-3 months. I can't say how long it will take but i know that it will be easier if you cut contact with her (as hard as it may seem)
3) I wouldn't give her a second chance because she lied, she cheated and then she tried to deny it. She hurt you a lot by not considering you at all, she is really selfish and you are better off without her.
4) I'm not surprised that you don't feel for her now. It is a perfectly normal reaction. I wouldn't even try to feel for anymore.
5) Don't give her anything. As I said before you should cut all contact with her.
6) personally I wouldn't give her my trust again after that. You may be able to trust her agin but it could take years and you may never be able to trust her the way you did before because this situation will always be in the back of your mind.
7) I think that as hard as it may be for you that you need to tell her that she hurt you and broke your trust and that is why you do not want to be with her anymore. I would tell her not to call or email or send you anymore cards and if she does I would ignore them (eventually she will stop). If you ciut off everything then it will be easier to deal with. I would concentrate on getting your life back together, getting over her may take a long time but eventually you will find someone new who will treat you right.

Good luck and I hope everything goes well for the future.

[bulrush]

I don't think this girl knows what she wants, and she has committment issues. She says she likes you then sleeps with someone else. That's a problem. I think you can do better.