I'm So Torn..boyfriend vs family

[LoveBug26]

I am in a very difficult situation and could really use some advice

I have been with Mike for a year and a half. He is amazing… everything I have ever wanted in a guy. He treats me like a princess, he’s motivated to do well, has a college education, a great job, has the world at his fingertips, loves me so much...I could go on forever. I want to spend the rest of my life with Mike. He really is my soulmate!
One big problem – his older brother is a convicted sex offender.

The long story short is that according to Mike’s family, Chris (the brother) shouldn’t have gotten the sentencing he did. The story goes that about 8 years ago, Chris – home from the Navy, got drunk at a family party and was playing in a room with his then, 5 year old girl cousin. He and his family claim that he was giving her raspberries on her tummy (when you blow and make noises to tickle a little kid on their tummy), when a very intoxicated sister of the girl’s mother walked in. She ran out and told the girl’s mother that Chris was “licking” her... down there.

That right there caused a huge mess. The aunt didn’t like Chris’s family to begin with, and it didn’t help that she was a Social Worker. She said and did everything she could to make sure Chris was put away. The police and court stuff didn’t happen until 6 months later. At that point, there was no evidence of anything. The only evidence was what she claims she saw... and what I have been told, it was strictly her word over his. The father of the child even stood up against his own family and defended Chris, which almost lead to a divorce for him.

Chris’s family says that he didn’t have a very good lawyer. The lawyer had said that if he pleads “no contest” he would only get 18 months in jail. And if they took it to trial, he could end up spending 20+ years in jail if he was found guilty. So, he listened to his lawyer and pled “no contest.” Well those 18 months he was told he would spend in jail, turned into 5 years. He got 1st and 2nd Degree Criminal Sexual Conduct. They say that if they knew then what they know now, they absolutely would have fought for it and took it to trial.

Anyways, Chris has been out a jail now for a couple years and he is done with house arrest this November. I have gotten to know Chris very well and I’m not uncomfortable around him. I think he is a good guy and means well. I think I am old enough to make my own decisions (I am 25) about the way I feel about Chris.
Here’s my HUGE problem. My parents are APPAULED that I would want to be involved with a family like Mike’s. They are absolutely against the idea of their daughter dating a guy whose brother is a convicted sex offender. They expect me to marry a guy who comes from a great family. I didn’t even tell them about Chris… they googled his family’s last name, and 4 pages in.. the sex offender list came up.

They are worried about my well being, and what this would do to my reputation. They think that Mike and his family have been lying to me about the truth of what Chris really did because “no one goes to jail and gets those felonies for something they did not do.” The 1st degree offence says that there must be “proof.” Now.. I don’t know much about the law, but can proof just be someone’s word against another’s? I was told that Chris took 3 lie detector tests and passed them all, but unfortunately, you can’t use that in court.

This has caused so much heartache, stress, fights and anxiety between my family and me. I have backed away from them because they just don’t understand where I am coming from when I say that I am comfortable around Chris and that I have gotten to know him quite well. I should be able to make my own decisions. I love Mike with all my heart, and it really doesn’t bother me about Chris. If and when I have children, it will be my decision as to if I feel comfortable having them around Chris, right? My parents just don’t understand. They will not support my relationship, and will definitely not support my marriage. My dad refuses to ever walk me down the aisle if I marry Mike. They wouldn’t even come to our wedding. They have never met Chris, or Mike’s family.. and they don’t even want to give it a chance. To them, a sex offender as a family member is beyond embarrassing and they want nothing to do with it. They have this fear that our family and friends would see online that Mike’s brother is a sex offender. When I ask my mom what type of girl she thinks Mike should be with, she says “someone who is low class and comes from the same type of background.”

I have stopped speaking to my parents because of this. My dad is depressed. I am torn and I don’t know what to do. I feel like they are completely wrong and should support me because I am their daughter, and I’m with someone who loves me very much. Mike never did anything wrong – but they hate him because of his brother. I have nothing against Mike’s family, they are good people. My heart hurts so bad right now. I need some suggestions… am I being out of line? Should I not be with Mike because of his brother?

[LOVE_CONFUSED]

Unfortunately familes are like that!

You need to do whats right to you, yes your family may have cause for concern for the sake of their daughter, however, it does not mean that they have to completely wash their hands of you because of your chosen partner. Your parents normally always push you from children to be polite and make an effort with people even if you dont necesarily like them too much.

I've been in that situation myself too, well similar, I broke up with an ex and since that my family have basically disowned me. I since got engaged to my now partner and my mother told me that none of my family would be at my wedding, although my partner hadnt done anything at all.

I'd advise you to go with your heart, because believe me if your family really care for you and your future happiness then they will soon come around and see that your happy.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Your parents sound like people I'd be glad to be rid of. If they don't come around before you get married, I'd cut them off forever. Chances are that if you have kids, they are going to want to see them..don't let them. They will influence your children with this type of thinking. Cut them off forever if they don't try to make amends before the wedding or even if you two break up, don't let them back in.

[VincenzoG91]

Your parents want what is best for you. Unfortunately, in this case, they are wrong. Completely, stubbornly wrong. You've made your position clear and they have made their position clear and now it's time to part ways with them. Besides, your parents sound like pretentious snobs.

[vashti]

I think your parents might be nullified if you were to adopt a more objective opinion about this man's brother. Someone walked in on him licking a little girl, and he was convicted in court. Judges generally aren't idiots, and there was a witness. Naturally, his family doesn't want to believe something so outrageously disgusting, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. If you were my daughter, I'd be worried about the safety of your future daughters.

Maybe you should consider not allowing any future offspring to EVER be alone with this man? That's what I would do, even if it were my own brother. Some crimes are so heinous, you have to err on the side of caution rather than deal with the possible consequences of your being wrong.

[LoveBug26]

I think your parents might be nullified if you were to adopt a more objective opinion about this man's brother. Someone walked in on him licking a little girl, and he was convicted in court. Judges generally aren't idiots, and there was a witness. Naturally, his family doesn't want to believe something so outrageously disgusting, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. If you were my daughter, I'd be worried about the safety of your future daughters.

Maybe you should consider not allowing any future offspring to EVER be alone with this man? That's what I would do, even if it were my own brother. Some crimes are so heinous, you have to err on the side of caution rather than deal with the possible consequences of your being wrong.

Mike and I both agree that any children we ever have will never be left alone with Chris. We plan on moving out of state too.. Chris won't be near us. The problem more so is my family and their thoughts just about having someone like him in my family. I am not worried about my future children... i'm worried that I will lose my family forever, and I hate that the only way to not lose them is to not be with Mike.

[LoveBug26]

Your parents sound like people I'd be glad to be rid of. If they don't come around before you get married, I'd cut them off forever. Chances are that if you have kids, they are going to want to see them..don't let them. They will influence your children with this type of thinking. Cut them off forever if they don't try to make amends before the wedding or even if you two break up, don't let them back in.

I really wish it was that easy!

[HeartIsAching]

It is that easy. I haven't spoken to my mother voluntarily for years.

Go with your heart. Your parents will learn to live with it or not - their choice.

[kageri]

My mental health improved greatly when I stopped talking to my parents. They were too busy trying to tell me what I should accomplish with my life to listen to what I actually wanted to accomplish with it. I lived 5mins from my mom with my horse stable on her property and talked to her once a month. Now I live 30mins away and drive there 3 days a week to take care of animals and only run in to her about every other month. Life is so much better. Maybe ideally your family should be good and important so that you put them before your relationships but some people just don't luck out to get families like that. Sometimes you have to decide to go your own way for your own health and happiness.