I'm starting to think I'm fighting a losing battle

[Nick299]

Ok, where do I start.... I have been with my gf for just over a year. She told me from the start she could be jealous, but I think that's a bit of an understatement... For example, I took her out for dinner last week, when paying the bill I was accused of flirting with the waitress... Oh and when we pulled into carpark she wanted to wait in the car until the girls smoking outside had gone, in case I looked at them.. And the waitress was giving her funny looks apparently. I'm not allowed to the pub, or out with my friends. Old friend getting married at end of the month and I'm not able to go to the stag do, well it's emotional blackmail, my life won't be worth living. Anytime not spent with her including time at work I'm made to feel guilty about. She has put on a bit of weight, gone from 12 to a 16. I have never ever mentioned this, but when she feels bad about her weight I'm accused of all sorts. Also she doesn't work and hasn't for the 14 months, apart from a 5 week temp job, but she wouldn't go to work if she stayed with me, saying she'd rather be with me. We don't really go out because I'm the one who works, I don't really want to go out and get accused of flirting, staring sleeping with every girl, so we don't.

I can't cope with this anymore, is it me? I feel so bad all the time because everything I do upsets her, I feel guilty because I get angry about the things she does, but think maybe it's me, that I'm being unreasonable. I work a lot and I work hard, but she seems to count that as my leisure time because it's time away from her. I have gone off sex completely, and I feel really bad about that cos she goes on about it all the time but I've been ground down so much my libido has suffered massively, plus I'm not allowed to look at her naked or see her get into bed, because apparently if I see her looking fat I'll leave...I'm quite an active person and that causes problems, I row and go to the gym regularly and apparently it's to make her feel bad, but I won't compromise on my fitness as I think it's important. When I say I won't compromise I mean I still go, not excessively, maybe 3 times a week and row 2.

2 months ago I got a promotion but it meant I had to move closer to work, this has made everything 10 times worse. I love her I think, I dont want to upset her or hurt her but I'm 29 years old, this can't ne my life now... Will she change, is there anything I can do? I don't want to just walk away, she needs so much help and people have treated her so badly but I'm not sure I an cope with it anymore. What can I do?

[Nick299]

Just a quick addition, I am not allowed to pubs.. I'm not some limp wristed guy who does everything a female says because of deep seated women issues etc... I just don't want to upset my girlfriend, if I really wanted to go I would and deal with the fall out. But what does make me angry is she does go to the pub with her friends but apparently it's because she can be trusted and I'm at work anyway... Just to clarify I have never cheated or given any reason for her to feel distrust... It all stems from me saying I was a bit of a lad 7 years ago and that's the justification for doing all this... Or that was the justification initially...

[xkittin]

Honestly, this does not sound like a healthy relationship. So what if you looked at those girls for a moment? You can't be blamed for LOOKING at a person; only if you pursue them. She sounds obsessive and possessive. Why should you feel guilty about time not spent with her? You're your own person, and she seems to not want you to be that.

Do you want to lose your friends, social life, mental wellbeing, and be with someone lazy, controlling, and crazy?

What do you guys have in common? She isn't willing to work; she guilts you for working out when she won't; she will probably maul you if she ever catches you looking at another girl; and she is obsessed with you. Not just in love with you but obsessed with you.

Not trying to be rude...but I really don't think anyone is worth such hassle unless you can get it straightened out. Otherwise, you will be walking on egg shells forever.

[Nick299]

Thanks for the reply kittin...

To be honest as I was writing this I thought what the hell am I doing, sometimes it take seeing it in black and White. I think the problem is for me, I have never had to leave someone I actually still like. For all the stress l etc she is still someone until quite recenty I wanted to spend time with, and hoped to myself she would change... When I moved I decided I wasn't going to hoPe anymore and told her I had some expectations from her, that we couldn't carry on how we were..

The disappointing thing, the thing that has brought me here is saying something made everything worse... At a guess it's because I highlighted her self destructive nature and the fact it was pushing me away and it's amplified it.. I had hoped it would be the catalyst for change buy after 14 months I'm feeling like this I just can't be responsible any more, sometimes it feels more like I have a dependant than a gf...

[KelE]

Very dysfunctional. Not even close to normal. It's sad that she is acting like that, but it is not your issue, so you changing your life and behaviors is a waste of time and I don't think you can satisfy her no matter what you do.

[pisces25]

She needs help and you can stick by her if she commits to changing if not, get out of there. That is stifling and can not be sustained for long anyway. So whether you leave her now doesn't matter cause you will eventually blow your top and walk out on her anyway.

She is keeping you on a leash. Why are you accepting it?

[MerryH]

2 months ago I got a promotion but it meant I had to move closer to work, this has made everything 10 times worse. I love her I think, I dont want to upset her or hurt her but I'm 29 years old, this can't ne my life now... Will she change, is there anything I can do? I don't want to just walk away, she needs so much help and people have treated her so badly but I'm not sure I an cope with it anymore. What can I do?

It's unfortunate that she's been treated badly in the past, but that's not your fault and you don't have to let that keep you in an unhealthy relationship. She is not going to change. Talking to her about it made it worse, so it's not realistic to hope that she'll change. You can't help her. You'll probably feel bad about leaving her, but try not to. It's the best thing to do for your own happiness and sanity.

[Nick299]

I don't know why I didn't talk to someone about this before, if someone was saying this to me my advice would be the same..

'She is keeping you on a leash. Why are you accepting it?'

I accepted and pandered to a certain amount of insane behaviour but if it was something important to me no amount of emotional blackmail etc would stop me.. I did make sacrifices but certainly recently I have told here I won't stand for this behaviour but I get some emotional out burst, I'm made to feel like the bad guy then the same things happen again..

Even as I write this I can't believe I have stuck with it for so long.. It really hasn't been healthy has it.... People have always described me as laid-back easy going but my personality is being effected, I'm so laid back etc anymore and I think it can only be stress...

[pisces25]

We often stick with it because we tend to justify it. Either by saying we love them, they love us, it can work, they can change, etc. If you truly love each other maybe leaving her will be the kick up the bum she needs. You have spent long enough making her happy it is time for you to he happy.

[MerryH]

So what are you going to do?

[Boisdevie]

So she's fat and trying to control your life. leave her because you deserve better. But you probably know this already.

[Nick299]

So What am I going to do.....?

I think in my mind I already knew this was the right thing to do, for both our sakes... Maybe this will be the kick up the arse she needs to change and maybe she'll be very happy with the next guy...

I now know I have to go, too much has happend to sort anything out, I think I have already started to resent her behaviour. And the fact im on here asking these questions says it all really doesn't...

I have to say I've felt some new energy since doing this, I'm starting to really think about all the things I've passed up on, thinking I was doing the right thing when really I was just making myself miserable to keep someone else happy. Well I was going to see her tomorrow evening, so I will to do it then, the sooner the better I think

[MerryH]

I think you're doing the right thing. Good luck. Don't back out!

[ctr916]

Have you tried role playing? You may want to do a role reversal for comparison and contrast. You may want to try to teach her how you want her to be with you if she cares about you and the relationship.

[Nick299]

I have spent the past year trying to get her to change, 13 months of gentle persuasion has got me nowhere. She either doesn't care enough or needs a reality check before her behaviour is going to change. I'm fed up of feeling like the only adult. When ever I brought anything up in the past she acted like a sulky teenager, then said I was right but refused to talk about it, normally getting very defensive with it.. There's only so much I can do. I just don't have the energy anymore. She has had ample time to change, its not my responsibility anymore