1st time dating , girl very keen and suddenly it ends. Confused. (very long post)

[r4mbo]

I'm sorry this is such a long story and It makes me look like I'm being over dramatic but if you do find the time to read it you will see why I'm confused. The dating went on for 9 weeks, we text each other nearly every day and I met up with her 7 times.


So a little bit about me and her. we are in our mid 20's. For me this was the first time dating - Yes very late I know. I'm shy and never really been that confident. I've never really put myself out there or tried to find myself a gf in the past. I find it extremely hard to approach a girl and start a conversation. For her she had a 1 year long relationship and ended about 6 months ago. Her family live in another country so she lives on her own here with a friend and and seems sure of herself and confident.

The girl works with my friend and I met her on a night out. I instantly thought she was very nice, bubbly and very attractive. I spoke to her a little through the night but not much. Because I found her very attractive It just made me feel more shy and nervous to approach her. Later we went back to my friends where they left me alone with her for a bit so I had a chat with her. I just thought she seemed out of my league (yeah silly thing to think) and didn't think too much of it.

The following weekend I got asked to my friends BBQ and she would be there. Apparently she had been asking if I would be there and had told my friend she really liked the look of me. Once again my shyness stopped me from saying too much to her. At the end of the night I spent about an hour chatting alone with her but I chickened out and didn't ask her for her number. She then mentioned numbers to me and that was that. I felt a bit ashamed that she'd had to ask me but it was done.

We text each other over the next days and I intended on asking her to the cinema on the following Saturday. Before I even had the chance to ask her she asked me early on to which I obviously said yes. Clearly she was very keen to meet up I just wish I had got there first.



So our 1st date.
I picked her up, went cinema chatted to her but I didn't make any move on her as I didn't want to scare her off and my nerves held me back a bit. On the way back to my car she told me she felt paranoid. She said she really liked me but she thought I didn't like her. Driving back to hers I tried to explain to her I was just quite nervous and I did really like her. By the time we got to hers I felt terrible and thought I'd blown it. To my surprise she suddenly asks me "Can I kiss you" obviously I said yes and we had a quick kiss and said goodnight. Over the next 2 weeks we text daily and then agreed to meet up for some drinks one Saturday.


2nd date
We decided to go to a bar for some drinks all was good but I could sense she notices my shyness. She seemed a little quiet herself at this point. My friend told me she was very loud after having a drink but when with me she was so quiet. I happened to mention something and she said she felt she couldn't be herself around me. It ended up a bit awkward and she started panicking and seemed like she wanted to go. I said I would take her home or we could try another bar so we left. Walking into town I put my arm around her and she seemed to switch to lovey cuddly mode instantly and seemed happy. The next minute she said "Shall we just go back to mine?" Once again I thought WOW this is a turn around. I thought I'd messed it up. So we went back to hers, sat on the couch and had some nice cuddling,touchy feely and kissing. This was the most comfortable I had felt. She implied she wanted to go bed, I didn't think much of it but sensed she was implying that I join her. I left hers anyway as it felt right thing to do.


Another 2 weeks passed and finally I got to see her for the 3rd date.
This time she invited me straight to hers. For the first hour we just talked but she sat at the other end of the couch and looked
a little awkward again. Eventually I did the right thing and moved up next to her. We had a lot more passionate kissing, touchy stuff and she even asked for a massage. This time she hinted to me about going upstairs to which I turned down at the time because I didn't want to rush anything and possibly spoil it. I explained it to her and she seemed perfectly fine about it. She was cuddling with me and told me I should go before she did something naughty and jumped on me. She said she was finding it hard to resist. I left later and the following days we had some nice texts, She told me she was so happy and wanted to see me lots more.


The next time I met her we went to the park, all seemed good had a kiss and cuddle. Suddenly she seemed a little frustrated, I wasn't sure what I had done. We went back hers again. I stuck my arm around her and gave her a cuddle and kiss and BANG instantly she was in lovey mode again. This time she said lets go for a snooze upstairs and so we did. Everything was perfect and her mood had changed instantly. We spent about 5/6 hours up there on/in her bed and watched a movie. She looked very content and seemed very happy with everything. After that day she told me she couldn't wait to see me again.


2 days later She asked me to hers again. This time we went straight to her bedroom as she wanted a massage but when we got there she said she didn't want a massage really. She seemed a little odd in her mood for some reason and looked a bit confused. After 10 mins there was lots of passionate kissing and stuff again. Things started to get a bit wild, she was getting very excitable. She asked me "Do I still want to wait for...you know". I said yes I still didn't want to rush and she seemed fine about it. She actually ended up getting it out of me that I was still a virgin which she seemed really surprised about but certainly didn't seem to have a problem with it and was happy how honest I was.
We layed next to each other both very happy. I had to leave again, she told me not to go but I know really she didn't want me there when she had work the next day. I text her goodnight and she said she liked that I wanted to wait and liked the fact that I wasn't like a lot of guys.


OK my thoughts so far...


Overall fairly good it would seem. She certainly trusts me and is very much physically attracted to me but all along we had odd little moments where her mood would change for no particular reason and all it would take is for me to stick my arm around her or give her another kiss and she would go all lovey and start kissing me and saying "oh your so cute" To be honest if you saw how extreme her mood changing was you would start to worry that she had some sort of split personality. I know women have mood swings but these seemed pretty extreme. That started to worry me and on top of that I felt she never believed just how much I liked her. Every time I gave her a compliment, told her how beautiful she was she would pull a face and call me stupid. Also all this time I used to ask when she was free to see me again and she never gave me an answer. It always ended up her asking if she could see me on a particular day, when she decided. If I ever mentioned a day she was always busy.


Anyway we agree to meet again on the saturday went to a bar, had a good chat, everything was going well. She was flirty and showing all good signs. It was getting late and I said we should go somewhere else. She didn't want to go clubbing and all she did outside was moan that she was cold and didn't want to walk far. We couldn't decide where to go and she seemed to get a bit frustrated and said lets just get a taxi. We Went back to hers, she said I could go in for a bit. Her mood was really cold and strange. We went in and sat down and she said to me straight away do I want to leave or something? and then started saying things like is this working and do you think we are right for each other. I thought where has this come from?? It wasn't so much like she was telling me how she felt, It was as if she thought I was having second thoughts myself. I got a bit emotional and explained to her that didn't any of the previous days mean anything to her? her eyes went a bit sad and then she angrily said...well are you going to give me a hug then? to be honest I thought she just wanted me to leave. Anyway I gave her a hug and BANG instantly my arm went around her she starts kissing me and saying "oh your so cute". After I left hers that night she text me and said "I really do care about you" and then half an hour later (this is 4am now and she obviously couldn't sleep and was worrying) another text came and it said "Im sorry if I upset you, your an amazing guy and I'm sorry if I hurt you. I have strong feelings for you and don't know why I acted the way I did. Maybe I'm insecure I hope you don't think I'm an idiot" The following morning she just said she was upset that she may have hurt me. I told her not to worry about things. I called her in the evening to see if she was ok. After my call I received a text again with her saying she wanted to continue seeing me and get to know me more because she had strong feelings and was happy with me. She told me when we kissed it made her heart melt.


She didn't get in touch for a few days as her eyes had been sore (contact lenses) and she seemed a bit moody and told me she'd be in touch when she was better. I asked how she was again and she mentioned going for the drink. All seemed fine. I dropped her back home but she only let me stay for 20 minutes as she "had things to do". We had a nice moment again. When I asked when I could see her again she said "in 2 weeks" with a sarcastic smile on her face. I wasn't sure whether she was joking or what. Generally she was always very sarcastic but that was just how she was but it made it difficult at times. Anyway I left and later evening we text goodnight and she said she wished she was snuggled against me.


In the middle of the week I received a text saying "I wish you were in my bed" I text back something nice too.
At the weekend I asked her if we could meet and just chill out and she replied to me saying she was tired and "just wanted a Me Evening" there was no mention about seeing me soon or anything. Anyway I ended up texting her back (I didn't ring because she doesn't answer) and said I was starting to worry because I missed her and I wasn't getting much time to show her any attention. In fact in the last 2 weeks we had only met for 2 hours. After that I got a text saying she thought we should meet to have a chat the following day because she was "feeling pressured" by our situation.


I went to meet her for a coffee. I gave her a hug apologised for my text (which wasn't that bad) and explained I wasn't trying to pressure her. Anyway all comes to all she said she thought we didn't click. I talked to her about why she would think that when we definitely had chemistry there and what about all the times we told/showed each other our feelings and me making her heart melt etc. She said that I wanted more than her because I was always asking when I could see her. When I said we had only seen each other 7 times in about 9 weeks she said that was plenty. So in an instant she wanted to finish things. I told her I was happy to go slow but I couldn't convince her in any way. So...Wednesday she had wanted me in her bed and by Sunday it's finished. I know I was quiet at times but after the 3rd time we had met I was far better, I didn't hesitate to do things with her. I was always genuine and honest with her and told her how much I cared. It felt like she just made a lot of excuses and ended things hastily.


The only possibilities for an answer I have are:

-- I was the rebound guy and really she was only looking for one thing and wanted to see me when she said only.
--My shyness could have confused her too much, but I had improved so much towards the end and if she liked me enough surely she would have given it a chance.
--I Don't think it was "clicking" as I believed we did click otherwise we wouldn't have had a nice moments at all surely?
--Perhaps I just believed that all the lovey stuff was enough and for her it wasn't.The thing is each time I saw her it got more intense and I knew that we were getting more comfortable with each other.
--It doesn't feel normal that a girl could be so full on and want everything from the start but then in an instant want to end things with no real reason, just a lot of excuses. Maybe she was just looking for something very casual and fun and me being keen scared her off.
--I didn't sleep with her, perhaps she took that as me not being that bothered about her.


I'm just very confused right now and I know I cannot contact her any more or ever find out the real answer. I could always tell from the look in her eyes, her smile, the little noises of content she made and the way she acted when were close that she did really feel something. Add to that all the things she used to say to me about her feelings.
Even the day that I had to walk away from her I gave her a hug and could see sadness in her eyes. I always felt it wasn't what she really wanted but for some reason she convinced herself to end it. Why would she throw all of that away in an instant, All the things she said led me to believe she was happy. Surely if 2 people are very much attracted to each other and if they genuinely have strong feelings and care for each other they are good grounds for something good right?


I hoped she would have changed her mind but her last message to me she said that "Nothing will change her mind about this" a little harsh I think as I did nothing bad to her and only ever showed her respect and affection. My confidence with her had grown greatly and the shyness mostly gone by the last few dates. Now I'm back to square one I feel. The shy nervous guy who won't approach girls and I missed the opportunity with a girl that came after me and who was very keen from the start. I guess no one will have an answer. The only thing I can see from this is she seems very confused about what she wants. I'm really mad with myself because if I did come across as "too keen" and scared her off then I have wasted an opportunity and I blew it.


I'm Struggling to get over it to be honest and it's quite sad because there are people out there who have had proper relationships that last for years come to and end. That would be far worse than this. I guess it doesn't help being the first girl I dated. Everyone tells me that there are plenty more nice girls out there but right now I just constantly think what could I have done differently, could I have convinced her to give it another go. I hope I get over it.

Thanks for reading and once again sorry for long post.

[Bonfire]

She wanted something casual with you. She was very attracted to you for sure. She tried to tempt you into sex a few times but you held off due to your "wanting to take things slow" and because of your shyness. She realizes you wanted something special, a real relationship. She also realize you two are going at a different pace. She sees that you are getting very emotionally involved where as she is more into the physical aspect. You two didn't match and she realize it and break it off so you don't get more hurt.

Next time when you are in a relationship don't be afraid to move things along a little faster, take some chances. It's like when two people walk a path together and one person is walking really slow and the other person walks a bit faster, the one that is walking too slow is left behind. The best is to find someone who walks at your pace.

[r4mbo]

Thanks for your reply Bonfire. I always found it hard to read what she actually wanted. She seemed very paranoid on the first dates that I wasn't interested in her and it was only after seeing her a few more times that I was able to break through my shyness barrier and not hold back so much. The only thing I really held off from was sleeping with her. I never took it as something really serious and always said to her that I just wanted to have fun with her and never pushed for a relationship. At the end of the day a relationship may have came later or maybe not but I always made that clear. One text she sent to me was that she "hadn't had a relationship in a while and didn't seem to be very good at it, she doesn't want to hurt me but just make me happy" That was a little strange in itself as was she refering to previous relationships. I only wanted to try and see her more often so that she would start to see the real me as I got more and more comfortable with things. I did try to explain that to
her but I think it was too late.I just find it odd that she would lead me on so much with many nice comments about feelings etc if she didn't want to give me the wrong idea.

You're probably right about finding someone who goes at my pace. To be honest I liked that she was quite full on as it got me to loosen up quicker.
For her though she probably just got tired of waiting for me and found it hard work. I guess another girl maybe would have given it a chance but she probably didn't want to.