He's twice my age, I need advice please? :/

[candylion]

It's a little silly, but here it is:

I've been seeing a guy casually, really only in the context of spending the night and leaving in the morning. He has had a open relationship with his girlfriend, whom he described as crazy, hot, violent, and obsessive. I didn't think much of it, tried to offer advice when I could, and didn't feel jealous about it. He described the two of them as "in the process of breaking up" to which I was pretty dang skeptical, but I think he loved her and she kept pushing to keep the relationship going. Apparently she cheated on him a couple of times at some point. I met her while he was staring at me from across the room, and she gave me the death glare, and yes she was hot.

Anyway, I dated different guys, while still seeing him. Slowly I grew to appreciate how rational he was, how calm he made me feel, how honest he was (although you never completely know with that one). We seemed similar. He joked that I was his little sister, gave me advice, and always complimented me on how honest and attractive I was. I thought nothing of it, but looked forward to seeing him more and more.

But then, *gasp* the feelings started to happen. I started developing a crush on him. I didn't want to see anyone else, because no one seemed as good as he seemed. We spoke about it frequently-- he said that since I am half his age, I'm basically "a baby," so I better not have feelings for him. Yeah yeah yeah... but here I am.

So the last time I saw him, I told him that I had a crush on him. He could take it or leave it, continue or not see me. We didn't want anyone getting hurt, right? He made some vague protest, and I explained that I didn't care about his age, etc. and he seemed really surprised. The next morning, things seemed different. We gazed into each other's eyes, I was giddy, obviously all into him, and before I went he affectionately called me the pet name "my love." I shouldn't think anything of it, but it's hard when you like someone to ignore that stuff. So I asked him if he wanted to go out on the weekend and he said maybe.

Weekend roles around, I don't really have my hopes up, and he texts that he's broken up with said girlfriend for good, and he feels horrible and probably needs to be alone. I feel unexpectedly sad for his loss... breakups are awful, and I knew that he loved her. Recovery will probably take a while, too, if all that is true and they don't get back together.

So.... now what? How much space do I give him, or should I try to get rid of my crush? Do I not contact him at all, or do I check in and see if he wants to talk? I just want him to be happy, basically. But I don't know how to/whether to talk to him now...

[Charlie Boy II]

what are your respective ages?

[candylion]

I'm in my early twenties and he is in his early forties. I think we are exactly twenty years apart.

[SplendidGray]

You care about him and enjoy being with him. He enjoys being with you and loves having sex with a young and attractive girl. But so far, there is nothing between you two that points to a healthy and lasting relationship.

Firsly, there is the age difference. I'm sure you don't mind it. He doesn't mind either, in the bedroom. But when it comes to a public, long-term relationship, he will mind. Relationships are difficult enough with two people of the same age who have similar hobbies and lifestyles. Despite how you feel about each other, the age gap is a major compatibility problem. If you are ok being his mistress and having one-night-stands with him while he lives with another woman, then we don't have a problem. If you are looking for a healthy, long-term relationship, then the age gap is going to cause a major distance between you.

Nextly, his actions are evidence that he is not a place in his life whereby he is likely to have a healthy relationship. Look at his ex-girlfriend (who isn't just going to drop out of the picture by the way), they have a love-hate, addictive, clinging, volatile relationship. These types of relationships usually mean that the individuals within them have major psychological issues and possibly mental illness. Now look at his relationship with you. He was sleeping with you while in a relationship with another girl. I'm sure you love and respect him, but he obviously has a serious lack of integrity. In addition, he cares much more about himself than he does you or his ex. He knows that sleeping with a girl causes her to bond to him, and he does so without offering any sort of commitment to you? He excuses himself by blurring the lines of his relationships: "we're in the process of breaking up". This is how a person justifies doing something they know to be wrong. The "honesty" you see in him, is only a tiny part of integrity. The most important parts of integrity have to do with how he treats others. Does he officially break up before getting involved with another girl? Is he clear about what his intentions are? Does he do what he says he will do? Does he give clear and direct answers?

Listen, I know the feelings you have for him are very powerful and very real, but this is not going to end in a healthy relationship. It is undoubtedly going to end in pain. I think you know this deep down, and have for some time. You know that he is likely using you as a fresh new sexual adventure, but will never give you the type of relationship you want. You are blinded by your emotions, and he is playing on them in order to get what he wants out of you. You need to ask yourself what you really want; if it is a lasting relationship with a man who is committed to you, then you need to pay the price for that desire. If you just want some cheap validation from a guy whom you are addicted to, who will ultimately do little more than use you, then just keep on seeing this guy. Otherwise, drop him and never see him again. Date men from a safe emotional distance, opening up to them gradually as they prove to you through their actions that they have integrity.

Good luck and be strong.

[candylion]

That's some really good, solid, sobering advice and I really appreciate it. I guess I already knew it though... just didn't want to think about it. I can't remember meeting/dating a guy who didn't have some psychological issues. Either it's part of the human condition or I keep getting drawn to those types. :/

It's nice to be the one pursuing instead of being pursued... I guess that's why I like him. One reason, anyway. Sigh.

[reeba]

The age thing is the LEAST of your concerns. Although I believe in he 25% rule. Take the younger persons age, multiply by 25%, and that should be the max age difference. If you are 20, then the max should be 25. If you are 30, the max would be 38.
pretty simple

NSA sex often ends up where emotions come to play. Either you hate/lose respect for the person, or you start to fall for them. It messes with your mind, heart, and makes you skeptical about relationships in general. Casual sex is not a good 'in the meantime' substitute, while waiting for a real relationship.

Also given this guys character (he was cheating on a gf, and wasn't strong enough to dump the crazy girl), I would say he is bad bf material.

Finally, he likes it when you feel sorry for him - my girlfriend is so awful, I need to be alone right now because I'm depressed........ And I agree, that the ex girlfriend will re emerge and cause you lots of heartache. I wouldn't be surprised if he cheats on you with her.

[vashti]

I would take anything he says with a grain of salt. It's hard for me to imagine a woman who is "crazy, hot, violent, and obsessive" allowing an "open" relationship. I think he was just looking for some young stuff on the side.

Also, he is too old for you. Even if you strike up a relationship, you will outgrow him in a couple of years because you are still in your formative stage, and he is done growing. AND, he's creepy. Half-plus-seven... that's the rule. If he is 42, that means the minimum age for him to date without looking creepy is 28.

[Boisdevie]

Given the age difference you both need your heads looking at. I am an old fart of 47 and the idea of some young woman of 23 or 24 fancying me strikes me as being a bit creepy. Find someone your own age.

[Wakeup]

So: OP: You've got some decent opinions and advice. What will you do? I have a feeling you'll stick around for the emotional abuse. I'd say He's training you to be accepting of a polyamourous lifestyle it would seem. You'd be less emotionally torn if he, at the very least made you his primary.

You have a pattern of choosing men who are not monogamous you say? Best read up on open relationships and polyamory so you're at least educated. Either that or change up your M.O. and delve into some self esteem improving literature as it would seem there is lack there if you'd settle for being someone's second while the primary is a bloody nut job.

[candylion]

Do you think he was cheating on her? That would be awful. I just kind of believed him when he said they were in an open relationship. OMG. He was probably cheating on her D: I mean, I asked him several times if she was okay with it, and he said that she got super jealous and would freak out if she found out, because "she didn't want to be in an open relationship, but she knows, and I've already sort of broken up with her." I'm not sure if she was just taking what she could get or whether she believed that they were still monogamous. I teased him about being a player and he said he didn't get with many women, maybe meaning that I was the only one he was using to cheat. He's attractive though, very smart, consistent, a millionaire, and everyone around town says he's trustworthy. I did want to trust him.

And yeah, my ex was "polyamorous" and it led to lots of pain and trying really hard to be poly too. Now I feel kind of messed up and I can't talk to him anymore. It's hard for me to feel jealous or to feel attracted to someone who wants to devote themselves to me right away.

On another note, my roommate, who is the same age as the other guy, keeps coming onto me and it's really getting on my nerves. He wants to pretty much get married and start a family, so now I need to find a new place. And these relationship problems are the LEAST of my concerns right now. I feel stressed out about it....

[Wakeup]

Do you think he was cheating on her? That would be awful. I just kind of believed him when he said they were in an open relationship. OMG. He was probably cheating on her D: I mean, I asked him several times if she was okay with it, and he said that she got super jealous and would freak out if she found out, because "she didn't want to be in an open relationship, but she knows, and I've already sort of broken up with her." I'm not sure if she was just taking what she could get or whether she believed that they were still monogamous. I teased him about being a player and he said he didn't get with many women, maybe meaning that I was the only one he was using to cheat. He's attractive though, very smart, consistent, a millionaire, and everyone around town says he's trustworthy. I did want to trust him.

And yeah, my ex was "polyamorous" and it led to lots of pain and trying really hard to be poly too. Now I feel kind of messed up and I can't talk to him anymore. It's hard for me to feel jealous or to feel attracted to someone who wants to devote themselves to me right away.

On another note, my roommate, who is the same age as the other guy, keeps coming onto me and it's really getting on my nerves. He wants to pretty much get married and start a family, so now I need to find a new place. And these relationship problems are the LEAST of my concerns right now. I feel stressed out about it....

I asked him several times if she was okay with it, and he said that she got super jealous and would freak out if she found out, because "she didn't want to be in an open relationship, but she knows, and I've already sort of broken up with her."

Darl'n; it's quite obvious to us and certainly you knew as well that this man is cheating on the whack job that he is too weak to leave and now he has you and her in his harem. You ignored a pretty blatant red flag because you didn't want to know the truth. You seem to have very little self-worth as you stuck around while knowing (yes you knew) that you were the dirty little secret but were to weak to give up the sex because you think that's all your worth... someones piece on the side... think about that.

I don't mean to shock you, but you know what you need to do. You need to work on yourself and your way of going about being men's dirty little secrets and a warm wet place to masturbate. I don't even know you and I know you deserve to be someones sole and primary partner. That, or like I said ~ you need to educate yourself to accept sexual sharing but you need to have a decent man who values you as his number one partner. You don't have that in this man.

As for the room mate. Take back your personal power and tell him that he needs to back off and leave you the **** alone, that you're not interested in him in the least and that you wish him a happy life with a woman that wants him like he wants her. Quit being afraid to be assertive with men that don't value you and who you don't value. Take back your life, doll. You deserve better... quit running away from yourself.

It's hard for me to feel jealous or to feel attracted to someone who wants to devote themselves to me right away.

Theres where you need the work. Quit having sex with men who you don't have an emotional bond with. Wait until you can let the wall down and become vulnerable before you have sex. That way you'll find it quite easy to tell a guy who is already in a relationship to go **** himself because you'll not have mistaken your lust for love.

[candylion]

Thanks for illuminating the situation. Any thought of him cheating was quickly pushed to the back of my mind, as I guess I didn't want to face it. But now that I really think about it, it seems rather likely.

I feel like I need to find out where my issues with men come from. I wish I could just figure it out on my own, but I don't know how. I think I'm afraid of real intimacy, and I think it makes me feel claustrophobic. I'd rather get hurt than hurt someone else, and I change my mind about men a lot, so it's just easier if i don't get involved with quality guys because I'll probably want to break up with them. If I make myself the victim, I'm only responsible for my own pain, not the pain of someone else.

Tried talking rationally to my roommate, he says he gets it, but then it starts all over again the next day. I think the only solution is to move, but I wish I had more money to do so. :/

[Wakeup]

Maybe it's fear of commitment because you like being single and able to do whom ever without being tied down. If you get with someone who is already committed then you don't have to be tied down. Unfortunately with that scenario, you let yourself become vulnerable because you feel safe not having to commit. It's a viscious circle that always leaves you unsatisfied, angst ridden and alone on special occassions because your object of desire is with his primary partner for those things.

Have you considered getting some therapy to help you figure yourself out?

As for the room mate.. you need to keep telling him when he's crossing a boundary. Like you, he's not going to learn about himself with one talking to so remind him that just yesterday he said he understood and here is already being disrespectful to you. Get assertive.. which is being firm but kind. WTF should you have to leave because he's a slow learner? Tell him to get out if he can't maintain the rules of your platonic house sharing. Get thee some female ballzzzz, candylion

[vashti]

If you are living with a man, you have to expect he will be hitting on you, unless he is gay. If you don't like that, find female room mates, or live alone.

[Wakeup]

She may expect it. But she shouldn't have move because some asswipe can't take NO for an answer. Tell him to move if he can't understand that she doesn't want anything to do with him. This is 2011 not 1954 where woman had to do some running if a guy was being an overwhelming twat. About time he learned that when a woman says NO she bloody well means NO.