I "cheated" on a girl I'm casually dating with her friend

[Golfer]

Ok, so I accept full responsibility for my actions and am not trying to excuse them. I simply want to know what the best way to handle this situation is.

I left my long-term girlfriend of 4 yrs about 2 months ago and almost straight away began seeing an exchange student called Courtney. She's really great and I like her a lot, though we have both known the entire time that it was only temporary as she is due to return to her home country in about two weeks. Anyway... While I do really like her, I messed up by sleeping with her friend/housemate.

We kind of talked about what we were doing and established that we weren't 'exclusive' so to speak.. as it could never work in the long-term.. She told me I was allowed to see other people if I wanted to but that she would want to know about it (but I know she would be upset if she knew I had). While we're not exclusive, we aren't just friends with benefits either, we like each other and behave like an actual couple.. Always going out together and having a lot of fun.

About a week ago for some reason or another, her housemate Jess (also another exchange student) got my number and began flirting with me pretty full on through texts. I initially thought maybe it was a stupid immature game that they were both playing on me to see how I would react to being flirted with, so I played along. But, it eventually became clear it was legit and before I knew it we were both arranging for her to come over one day (we both knew for sex). I would like to just state for the record that I have never cheated on an actual girlfriend and I have been in a couple of really long term relationships. I probably wouldn't have gone through with this either if they weren't both leaving the country within weeks of each other.

Anyway, I backed out the first two times but eventually gave in and slept with her. I feel really terrible about it, mainly because they are friends. I'm not trying to make excuses, I said yes. But to be honest, it was her pushing the whole thing to happen, I kind of just went along with it... The thing I feel the most weird about it is that Jess didn't seem to care at all. I felt guilty in doing it, and especially so since, but she just laughs about how funny it is but promises not to say anything.

I think when I broke up with my long-term girlfriend (whom I still miss alot) I just expected to be a single guy again, and started seeing Courtney (casually in my mind - with that being the intention) but a bond grew between us. I feel that while I haven't cheated as such, because she is not my girlfriend, I have done something wrong. The most painful thing is having to lie about it and listen to Courtney when she speaks about Jess and how fond she is of her. Secretly I keep wanting to tell her what a s**t friend to her Jess really is and how she deserves much better. I don't want to upset her though and don't even know if/when I'll see her again after she leaves in a week. All I know is that I want to maintain the friendship. So, what should I do?

Jess seems quite emotionally immature to me, so it worries me that she might one day tell her and tarnish the couple of great months together that me and Courtney have had together. She has left the country now too, but seemed to think I actually liked her rather than it just being sex. When I asked her to promise never to tell Court what happened she said she wouldn't 'so long as I stayed in touch with her and visited if I'm ever in her country'.

I think being newly single and out of the game for a long time has left me lacking in the common sense department. Suddenly I have attention and am allowed to do something about it, so I got over zealous. All I know is, I want to best manage the situation so no one gets hurt, which to me seems like controlling the flow of information.

Tell me what you guys think. Thanks for reading.

[DoesntMatter]

I think you did the right thing

[tremolo]

My personal opinion - and a lot of people here may disagree with me - is that you were kind of an asshole sleeping with Jess when you were into Courtney. If Jess now tells her, I really wouldn't feel sorry for you at all.

Next time you're really into a girl, don't screw things up by sleeping simultaneously with someone you don't care about.

And yes I realize you and Courtney were not in a relationship, and your dating history had an expiration date. You just don't get to do that and then ensure that you come off looking like the noble guy.

[Golfer]

Thanks. Yeah, point being though is that I don't care about being the noble guy. I'm not trying to face-save here, I accept it was a bad call. All I want to do is try and ensure that Court doesn't get hurt.

If she was my girlfriend then (hopefully I wouldn't do it anyway) I'd tell her about it. But since they're both leaving the country permanently anyway, I just thought maybe it was best not to say anything and spare her feelings? Figured maybe that was the better option.

[tremolo]

Thanks. Yeah, point being though is that I don't care about being the noble guy. I'm not trying to face-save here, I accept it was a bad call. All I want to do is try and ensure that Court doesn't get hurt.

That is one of the main reasons people shouldn't cheat in relationships - because when one person does, the other person gets hurt. That's why it is generally considered to be wrong. You weren't in a relationship, but you seem to grasp on some level that what you did was inappropriate. If Jess tells Courtney - and she may - Courtney will likely think so too. I hate to say it, but you made your bed and now you just may have to lie in it.

Since she's leaving, and your (non-)relationship is ending, I don't think it was necessary for you to tell Courtney, but other than asking Jess not to say anything, you really can't do much else. You just have to accept that there is a lot of potential for Courtney to have bad feelings towards you now, in the event that Jess tells her.

[Golfer]

That is one of the main reasons people shouldn't cheat in relationships - because when one person does, the other person gets hurt. That's why it is generally considered to be wrong. You weren't in a relationship, but you seem to grasp on some level that what you did was inappropriate. If Jess tells Courtney - and she may - Courtney will likely think so too. I hate to say it, but you made your bed and now you just may have to lie in it.

Since she's leaving, and your (non-)relationship is ending, I don't think it was necessary for you to tell Courtney, but other than asking Jess not to say anything, you really can't do much else. You just have to accept that there is a lot of potential for Courtney to have bad feelings towards you now, in the event that Jess tells her.

Well said. I agree with what you said here.

[HeartIsAching]

Thanks. Yeah, point being though is that I don't care about being the noble guy. I'm not trying to face-save here, I accept it was a bad call. All I want to do is try and ensure that Court doesn't get hurt.

If she was my girlfriend then (hopefully I wouldn't do it anyway) I'd tell her about it. But since they're both leaving the country permanently anyway, I just thought maybe it was best not to say anything and spare her feelings? Figured maybe that was the better option.

As someone who in a former, not-so-great life was a cheater...

Don't tell Courtney. Ask yourself what you'd hope to accomplish by telling her? You wouldn't make her feel good. You wouldn't make yourself look better. You wouldn't even necessarily get your self-esteem back. You'd just be hurting her with no apparent purpose. Let it be. Try to be better in the future.

[Golfer]

As someone who in a former, not-so-great life was a cheater...

Don't tell Courtney. Ask yourself what you'd hope to accomplish by telling her? You wouldn't make her feel good. You wouldn't make yourself look better. You wouldn't even necessarily get your self-esteem back. You'd just be hurting her with no apparent purpose. Let it be. Try to be better in the future.

Thanks dude. I appreciate your feedback, I also feel that is the best option but it's hard to say that without sounding like an a**hole who just wants to get away with it! (which is not the case)

[MerryH]

Secretly I keep wanting to tell her what a s**t friend to her Jess really is and how she deserves much better.

Okay, but by that logic you're a shit friend, too. You kind of make Jess out to be some conniving, soul-sucking temptress who made you do bad things. I know you're accepting that you messed up, but you're also blaming her at the same time. And I hope you weren't seriously planning to tell Courtney anything like that. She's not going to be any less mad at you if you blame Jess.

When you guys had the talk about your relationship, you kind of agreed to tell her if you see other people. So just tell her you went on a date with a girl. If she asks who/how/why say you're not going to get into details, you just wanted to tell her because that's what she asked of you. I don't see how it's any of her business, anyway.

[Golfer]

I should mention that she actually tried to blackmail me initially, which makes my decision to go through with it even more foolish I know. But after I flirted back for a couple of days (thinking it was the both of them putting me to the test) she tried to sleep with me on two occasions but i resisted her advances and she threatened to show Court all the texts I'd sent her and said because she was better friends with her that she would believe her over me.

That, plus the fact she says she 'doesn't care' about Court and laughs about it says to me she has no conscience. I feel sick about it. Thanks for all your advice though. I appreciate it.

[MerryH]

Oh...ew.

Well, then, it's safe to assume that she'll tell Courtney what happened the second you don't behave the way she wants you to.

[doppelgaenger]

Forget both of them. Never call again.