Friend that i have really strong feelings for!

[briar_Rose]

First post & a complex one too. I generally have guy troubles because I had 'ugly ducking syndrome' till I left school & finally went to the gym, lost some weight & acne. I'm now considered reasonably good looking.

I've known this guy for about 6 years. We were really good friends for about 1 year (I liked him and wanted to pursue a relationship but didn't because he liked one of my friends & sort of went out with her) BUT I lived with the agony & became a good friend, he was great to talk to. PS this was when I was mediocre looking. Then out of the blue he decided to be a arse & stop talking to me. I got very upset and my other good friend left my school at this time too (this was when I was 16) so I think it may have been the reason I seeped into a worse depression.

Years later we end up at the same party & then me and a friend go back to his house. She makes out with him & the story re-plays itself again. I feel the agony of watching her do what i've always wanted to do (which I decided that I wouldn't because I didn't want my first boyfriend to be him). When I look back on the night he said a few flirtatious things to me and surprisingly enough the girl that he went out with (which was a good friend of mine) said that she thinks he really wanted me instead of her. I dont believe that part but maybe he was attracted to me too. (This was when I began losing weight btw)

So they went out and I couldn't do anything. He did say a couple of things to me that I remembered like 'you are the perfect woman' which occurred to me as very odd.

They finally broke up (2 years later) and hes been playing the field a lot. When we went out one night he was drunk & he said over the phone 'I love you' maybe 2 times but I'm just like 'um...ok' - That night he hooked up with one of my OTHER friends. Also he apologised for all the shit he did to me through facebook after I invited him to my 21st.

And so the story goes... he hooked up with a girl that is best friends with his ex. She doesn't even give a shit. But now for the 3rd time I have to watch him in another relationship.

I'm in love with him but when we go out clubbing I cant even look at him. I see him check a glance at me sometimes (i am a good dancer) and he whispered something in my ear last night I just was a little drunk and didn't hear it. WHen I got out of the car he also said 'look forward to dreams your going to have about me' and I sarcastically said 'yeah sure'. we also had a massive conversation in the car about anime & it was like code talk to the others becuase they had no idea wtf we were talking about.

I'm killing myself slowly everyday. I am infatuated with him but am so good at concealing it. I'm a great friend & i'm getting tortured for it. Now hes hooked up with another one of my friends. I dont even know if he likes me, hes really vague too. I'm ****ed. I hate when she talks about them together. I hate that everyone has a love life and I dont because I'm obsessed with him. I cant even move on becuase one way or another he comes back into my ****ing life.

Help

[MerryH]

Whoa. A girl in this "friend zone" situation that boys always come here to complain about. You sound exactly like them. That's not an insult, just an observation.

Same advice for you, though. Either make a move and ask him out, or stop being his friend because it's clearly hurtful to you to see him with other people.

[IndiReloaded]

If you are friends you should be able to say something like:

"So... I'm thinking we should go out on a 'real' date. What do you think [insert name]?"

His answer will tell you all you need to know. Good luck.

[briar_Rose]

TY @indiReloaded, but I used to be that upfront girl until I got shut down many times in highschool, then I vowed I wouldn't do that to myself again

@MerryH that is an awfully mean thing to say. You don't know whether he likes me or not but your assuming that he doesn't and knows that i like him. He knows of nothing like this. No body knows that I like him.

[MerryH]

@MerryH that is an awfully mean thing to say. You don't know whether he likes me or not but your assuming that he doesn't and knows that i like him. He knows of nothing like this. No body knows that I like him.

Whaaat?! Most of the time when people call me mean, I can read my post and be like, "Eh, yeah, maybe." But there was nothing mean about that and I didn't assume anything! Where are you getting this?

[briar_Rose]

Whoa. A girl in this "friend zone" situation that boys always come here to complain about. You sound exactly like them. That's not an insult, just an observation.

Same advice for you, though. Either make a move and ask him out, or stop being his friend because it's clearly hurtful to you to see him with other people.

Your pretty much saying that guys come to complain about girls like me (who apparently like someone & they aren't liked back) I'm sorry but that sounds like an insult to me! I mean you don't know whether he doesn't like me! He has given some indication he might.

[MerryH]

Okay, well, like I said, that wasn't an insult.

And you misunderstood. I guess I can sort of see why (my fault), so let me clarify. I wasn't saying that they complain about girls like you. I was saying they complain about being in your exact same spot, where they have this close, longtime friend that they like who may or may not like them back. I've read probably hundreds of threads here identical to yours, only they were always written by a guy. I wasn't saying there's anything wrong with that. It was just an observation. Nothing to take offense to. But that is why I gave you the same advice that I would give to them. Make a move, or stop being friends.

Explaining myself is hard and it sucks. Why don't you people just understand what I'm saying the first time?! Gah.

Anyway, good luck. I hope it turns out like you want it to.

[briar_Rose]

Okay, well, like I said, that wasn't an insult.

And you misunderstood. I guess I can sort of see why (my fault), so let me clarify. I wasn't saying that they complain about girls like you. I was saying they complain about being in your exact same spot, where they have this close, longtime friend that they like who may or may not like them back. I've read probably hundreds of threads here identical to yours, only they were always written by a guy. I wasn't saying there's anything wrong with that. It was just an observation. Nothing to take offense to. But that is why I gave you the same advice that I would give to them. Make a move, or stop being friends.

Explaining myself is hard and it sucks. Why don't you people just understand what I'm saying the first time?! Gah.

Anyway, good luck. I hope it turns out like you want it to.

Oh...ok then. Take it back. TY for the advice. But like I said in a previous post I've gotten shut down a lot when I was into the whole 'confessing feelings'. So I probs subconsciously just told myself never to do it again. The last one was pretty bad. ANYWAY Its stupid, it shouldn't be the reason I don't do things but it just is. If you dont try you cant succeed! I know it all but still, Id prefer not have a bf then go through the shit i had to.

[JJP]

So you're going to sit back and let nothing happen? Don't see what you expect. You complain about the situation and then pretty much say you're not willing to do anything about it. I was friends with my last X for years before I asked her out and we had an incredible relationship for over a year and a half. I think its worth trying. I have had similar situations where later down the line I've been told they wish I had said something.

If you're not willing to put yourself in a position where you might get hurt, relationships aren't for you anyway.

[briar_Rose]

You dont understand. If I even consider going out with this guy it'll ruin the friendship of 2 of my best friends (the one that went out with him for 2 years and the one hooking up with him now)

Guys I'm close to being torn up over this. I just cant handle talking to my friend about him and her. I hold back tears and when I get off the phone I cry. I dont know what to do. I dont even know why I like him so much but I do and its making me wallow in this pathetic depression

[Layna]

I guess if you wanted to pursue him, then everyone else has already given you advice on that.
But if it is as you say and you cannot do that without ruining close friendships, and those friendships are more important to you (as they probably should be), then I guess the only option left is to try and move on from this and find somebody else you're interested in. From what I gather from your posts, he is not looking for anything serious either. As you say, he is just playing the field, and worse than that, he is playing a field of friends. He hooks up with one girl, then with her friend, then with another of her friends, and so on. It doesn't really show a lot of respect in my eyes, or even that he is really looking for anything serious. If you did manage to start something with him, it might just be another hook-up for him, with the way he seems to be approaching all this. Perhaps it is better if you manage to get over him in time, rather than spending some time with him only to realise he's just playing you too, and then *really* getting your heart broken.

[IndiReloaded]

Ask for what you want in life. Enjoy the consequences. Don't ask for what you want. Suffer the consequences.

Guess it depends on if you are the kind of person who wants solutions or just wants to complain. Good luck, I have no more advice to give you.

[Wakeup]

Why do you suppose he's had at least three opportunities (when he got with the three different girls you mention) to make a move on you but the didn't? He certainly isn't shy or a virgin or non confident about things like that.

Why do you let him/her tell you about his adventures with other women?

Why don't you stop him/her from doing that?

If you're afraid of getting rejected then why instead do you let him/them make you cry?

You have to get some big girl panties, hike them up and either have a frank face to face discussion with him and see if he sees you as a dating potential or, you have to cut contact with him for a while until you become indifferent to your feelings for him and can think platonically. You're torturing yourself with the way you're handling it right now and that's not loving yourself very well.

[briar_Rose]

Please try to understand. I have tried to get over him so many times. I've known him for 6 years, liked him for about 3. You have no idea how many times i've told myself to stop it. Move on and like someone else. Its happened a few times but he always seems to return to my life (through hooking up with my friends usually) now he's even applied for a job at my gym so if he gets it i'll be seeing him 3-4 times a week. Its impossible to avoid him without avoiding socialising. When I'm in his presence I am thinking about him. I am a very loyal person & that is why I have never gone there before. He just got out of a relationship so I'm guessing he is playing the field. '

Stop assuming that I'm just a coward & complainer. My friends hang around with him. Its not that simple & I do have a low self-esteem because of the way I was treated in primary school & high school by girls bullying & guys rejecting whilst I was overweight. Its shit & I've tried and failed - thats why I'm asking for serious advice. I'm even drinking when I go out now so I can loosen up and maybe meet people & socialise so I can find someone else, its ****ing hard as im very introverted - that is JUST my personality!

[Wakeup]

Please try to understand.

I understand pretty well, It sounds like you don't like hearing anything that is not pre-programmed to suit you. Perhaps professional counceling with help you to either get the female ballzzz to make a move on him or, the counceling will give you the mental tools to be able to view him in a platonic dynamic. You're obessesed and afraid at the moment.

Stop assuming that I'm just a coward & complainer. My friends hang around with him. Its not that simple & I do have a low self-esteem because of the way I was treated in primary school & high school by girls bullying & guys rejecting whilst I was overweight. Its shit & I've tried and failed - thats why I'm asking for serious advice. I'm even drinking when I go out now so I can loosen up and maybe meet people & socialise so I can find someone else, its ****ing hard as im very introverted - that is JUST my personality!

Stop telling (me) us to "please try to understand" and "don't assume." Because it's quite clear what the problem is but you don't want to listen. You want some magic pill to take that will make it right. Sorry, you have to do the work which means being frank with him or, getting away from him mentally and/or physically until you are cleansed of your unrequieted feelings. Bottomline: Talk or walk.

Google "Limerence" I think you are suffereing from stage 3 limerence. Wiki has a good explanation on what it all means and maybe if you understand it you'll be able to work past it.


Good luck, whatever you decide to get the strength to do.

P.S. you didn't answer any of my questions?