Do you have to hate your ex to get over them?

[Layna]

I've read this so many times, that you need to first hate or at least be very angry at your ex before you can move on completely.
I have many reasons to hate mine in theory, it did not end very well although the relationship was mostly great until the last few weeks, but I can not seem to be able to hate him, or at least be very angry at him. There are too many good memories and too many feelings left.
Of course I don't really mean 'consuming hate' that stays with you. Just being able to hate them or be very angry for a while at the thought of how it all went down or how they treated you, and then eventually being able to forgive and remember them fondly.

Maybe it just takes time, or maybe it is not necessary at all. What do you think? Even if it is not necessary as such to move on, does it not at least make the process easier, in that anger may be more easy to deal with than all the pain that comes from missing somebody?

[DannyH]

Most of my exes I was never angry at. It was more of a you know what I'm done bye. This last one though man because I couldn't go in to nc because she had my stuff man she pushed alll my buttons. So that of course just pissed me off to no end. Did I ever hate her though? no. I think whatever gets you to accepting its over the quickest is the best way.

[Horseyguy]

I don't think so, I think being angry just gets in the way of accepting what's happened.

At some point the anger will subside and you are still left with someone in your head that you realise you don't hate and are actually ok but it just didn't work out.

I think I was able to let my ex go a lot quicker because I loved her and knew it was the right thing to do. I think it would have taken me a lot longer if my head was full of negative stuff as that would have just sat there and bugged the crap out of me because it wasn't really like that between us

[Boisdevie]

I got divorced from my ex after 13 years. it was her decision but to be honest the relationship was over and she was the one with enough balls to say so. Relationships end - there does not have to be hatred.

[bulrush]

My marriage was over more than a year before I filed for divorce. I was very sad it had to end, but I also knew she was a toxic person for me to be around. So, a divorce was simply a chance for something better, so I was not that angry. I did get angry about her acting childish though.

[devonbrown]

I don't think you have to hate your ex to get over him/her. I think it has to do more with logic. It takes some time for your mind to realize that it wasn't right between the two of you and it wasn't going to work. Once that is realized, it will allow your heart to open up to possibilities of other dating situations. Emotions don't need to go away, they can just be filed away with time and realization.

Good luck.

[Layna]

Hmm, your responses so far are very interesting. I always thought it's mindboggling how love has the power to change into its complete opposite, and that it shouldn't have to be like this. I would not want the good memories to be tainted by a feeling of hatred for the person who created them with me. It doesn't seem to be fair to the good times we had together, you know?

But as I said, I always wonder if anger or even hate is not easier to deal with than pain and sadness, and also minimises the chance of a setback because you just would never ever want to be with that person again or even think about it. And many times I've heard it's necessary to get to that stage of hating in order to be able to fully forget. I'm happy to hear all of your points of view and that it's possible to treat that time together with respect, and still move on.

[Cinnabella]

By time, you won't feel anything a lot anymore, you don't feel bother if they have another bf/gf even. Just take time and you will be a stronger person. And I guess you don't need to hate them to get over them, it's more to Do with if they are worth your time or not and if you tried your best.

[OmnicronPercei8]

I think it's a big part of who got dumped. Obviously if you ended the relationship you probably thought about ending it long before you pulled that trigger and therefor you're willing to walk away just knowing that it wouldn't work. I'm assuming though this is a question regarding the person that's left you. I think we get blinded in love and don't see the reason's the same as the other person even though they may be blatantly obvious. I know even though the hurt was there, I've never hated an ex to get over them. I didn't want to see them for a while but never wished them any will ill.

[pisces25]

I think being angry just gets in the way of accepting what's happened

So true HG. And just to add my two cents I think anger comes from frustration which comes from lack of control. When in r/ships we have to relinquish control which leaves us vulnerable. Even more so if we were dumped. Then the cycle begins. We think 'why me?' and analyse the situation til the cows come home. This leads to frustration and ultimately anger. So personally I do not think anger helps moving on. In fact I think quite the opposite. This doesn't mean sitting and thinking about the good times or pining for the ex, just accepting the situation for what it is and having compassion for yourself and your ex. Just because your partner initiated the break up it doesn't mean he/she is feeling any less pain.

[Layna]

That's true, I guess many times the dumper has a hard time also, but it's easy to forget if you're the one that got broken up with. It's hard not to feel like you got the short of the stick sometimes. I guess keeping that in mind and trying to peacefully put it all in the past is a much healthier way of dealing with the break up, just perhaps a little harder to achieve.

[HeartIsAching]

No, not at all. With one exception, I don't hate any of my exes. The one I hate, had absolutely nothing to do with the breakup... we were already not a couple, and hadn't been for years when the hatred grew. Of course, we've both done plenty to nurture and feed that hatred.

[eo_ih]

On the contrary, OP, surely no one can ever be "over" an ex and at peace with it all until they don't hate them. I'm indifferent towards all of the girls I knew only for a few weeks, but my only longer-term girlfriend and I are still friends and I literally have no problem with any of it at all. She has a lot of men and most of them I know and like and I find it all quite amusing, it's a good "relationship" we now have and there's absolutely no hang-ups or resentment. We had a delightful two or three years "together" and then a few months where I was a moody git and now we're just "friends" or something, for a few years now.

[Germ]

I guess i am the only one who feels like hate has to be there atleast for the time it takes me to get over them. My ex of 3 and a half years just pissed me off to no end and cheated on me. So yeah i was pretty fawking pissed off about it and resented her till the point i no longer found her attractive in the least bit. We still talk ONCE in a blue moon but the feelings are mutual and i have no attraction to her. I just ask myself why i even considered dating that person lol

[Cerby]

I've read this so many times, that you need to first hate or at least be very angry at your ex before you can move on completely.
I have many reasons to hate mine in theory, it did not end very well although the relationship was mostly great until the last few weeks, but I can not seem to be able to hate him, or at least be very angry at him. There are too many good memories and too many feelings left.
Of course I don't really mean 'consuming hate' that stays with you. Just being able to hate them or be very angry for a while at the thought of how it all went down or how they treated you, and then eventually being able to forgive and remember them fondly.

Maybe it just takes time, or maybe it is not necessary at all. What do you think? Even if it is not necessary as such to move on, does it not at least make the process easier, in that anger may be more easy to deal with than all the pain that comes from missing somebody?

My longest relationship was 3 years anf my ex and I still talk frequently, but the feelings are no longer there. I would almost call her a friend, except I have rules against being friends with exes. So I guess we're just exes who catch up once in a while, and to be honest, I actually enjoy talking to her.

My most recent ex did some harsh things before she dumped me, so I might end up hating her for a bit, but I'm also speedily getting over her.