No contact question

[Tonia2]

So yesterday (please see previous thread) I get a missed call – having asked for NC. I ignored it, and later in the day got a text:

‘Hi baby. Hows things? Hope you are feeling better and managed to enjoy your trip. I am just back from work in Dublin for 2 days, having a coffee in (my local) station.’

Whats with ‘baby’? Do I ignore this too, and hold out for a proper adult discussion, and for him to come to me saying he has made a mistake. Or is that callous? Should I respond? Seeing him next thurs possibly. Will holding out make him keener? I want this guy back, and don’t want to jeopardise things, but his banal messages are driving me nuts.

[C1d6OC]

One thing that has to be understood about NO CONTACT is that it depends on the people involved. Some believe cut it ALL off and it will get a message across to the other person. Others believe that some contact will show you still care, but as long as you maintain your inner strength.

My personal opinion would be that if you think you can manage without falling apart, then keep it simple and just do a quick "hi" so he still knows you're there. I wouldn't do it right away. However, if you feel really attached and emotional, you could end up being unstable and say something you will regret. In that case, say nothing until you feel you are ready. Always do what your heart says.

[Tonia2]

I think I should try and hold fast. I am working on him missing me and seeing what a mistake he has made - I may be in a cloud of nostalgia, but nearly all my memories are sweet, tender and fun. I can't believe that he is not thinking like that - his life must be pretty bleak without me. It doesn't explain why he has done this though.

Without him coming back with a change of heart, I feel that his text messages are just a way to ease his loneliness in the short term, and that is not a good reason for me to respond. I do think you are right however, that it is a long time that we have had NC and surely life will get into a routine for him and he will forget why he cares about me.

What do you think about his use of the term 'baby'? Am I reading too much into this? Is this just him being inappropriate?

[C1d6OC]

What do you think about his use of the term 'baby'? Am I reading too much into this? Is this just him being inappropriate?

humans are such weird creatures. I wouldn't read too much into it. To me, the ONLY thing that you should be reading into is..."Baby, I made a mistake and I want you back"...everything else is just small patches to be filled in.

In my opinion, unless he says that, I wouldn't waste your breath trying to figure out what he's trying to say. My ex does the same thing. "I will always be here for you" or "I still wanna be friends and it hurts not knowing it". It's their way of trying to keep you in the open mind. And sometimes gets your hopes up.

Remember when they dump you, a lot of pressure is on them and they start to feel bad, this could also be a way of clearing their conscience. Checking up on you. I would suggest you do exactly what you're doing and hold off. Be strong. That's what I'm doing.

[Tonia2]

Yeah, thanks. you are probably right. i know he did feel very guilty, but surely my silence for the last week (the last i got from him was a text saying that he was crying talking to his mum - which i ignored) has helped to absolve him of guilt.

it sucks, it really does. i wish i could provoke him into saying he made a mistake, but sadly not so easy i guess.

[C1d6OC]

Remember just because he sends it doesn't necessarily mean he knows you got it. It's a psychological thing. If you continue to make him "think" you're not available, then he may come back. If that happens, just continue to stay strong and don't stop all your other life activities. Keep with the silence and keep me posted.

[Tonia2]

Thanks mate, I definitely will. Its a complicated one (see other post), but probably no more complicated than anyone elses is to them. He just seems pretty confused, and that leaves me doubly confused, but I suppose I cannot dictate the outcome.

If he had closed the door firmly without dithering, I would probably find it easier to come to terms with and move on.

Cheers

[C1d6OC]

trust me. I know my ex is confused too. Take a look at my thread "I got a kick out of this..." then you will see where I'm coming from. Breakups for the most part (unless mutual) are confusing, because one person does it and the other thinks it comes as such a shock which is where the confusing part kicks in. But after a while, the one on the receiving end may or may not start to realize that it could have been for the better...in which case things don't seem as confusing. Does that make sense at all?

Basically the one on the receiving end (if they're doing well) tends to figure out things quicker, because they just got on with their life, where the other may still be contemplating getting back together and could end up being a mess. So in some ways, I like to take this as an opportunity to see what life has to offer. It's a brighter side of the breakup...I'm rambling I know...but I like to talk to someone that can relate.

[Pondman]

I think its important to be friends with anyone you can in life. But most of that is just giving someone your time. If you are in the same location, whats the big deal about saying hello. If you don't like the guy when you spend a few minute in passing, and therefore don't hang out together anyway, then thats as much as you should give.

My point is people should sleep or become intimate with other people they like and hang out with over time. If you just don't hang out with the guy much there shouldn't be a problem, and therefore in most cases won't make a longterm intimate partner anyway.

The problem becomes big if you've spent a lot of time with the person, and you hang around common friends who have spent a lot of time together. In that case you need to spend your time on outside people for a while. Those types of relationships are the most painful to end or mend.

In todays world I think most relationships are not about sharing time, but are about making demands and negotiating. And therefore are based on something besides friendships. Only you know what you had.

[Pondman]

I appologize for not reading your prior post. After ready it I'd say, it doesn't sound like either of you are sleeping with other people and 0 children. If that is the case you will probably get it back together with the guy.

Nevertheless, you've got a guy heading towards 40. My advice: and I don't want you to be hurt by my saying this-- figure out what is the most important thing for you personally and pursue that. I mean something outside of a relationship with your guy. Therefore the guy doesn't feel 100% responsible for all your internal needs. Contrary to what you might think-- guys don't want women sulking around all the time while they are away. I know your going to be hurt if I would say-- sometimes you might be better off by having a little life outside this intense emotional roller coaster.

[Tonia2]

Not hurt at all - appreciate the advice. I must say though that most of the emotional roller-coaster goes on inside my head! After the amount of therapy I have had and self-help books I have read, I would say I am very accomplished in keeping my interests. I have a wide circle of friends, and it is him who sits around watching soaps a lot of the time.

I have heard nothing from him since though, and he would probably contact me if he changed his mind, so I am trying not to get my hopes up too high. Seeing him a week today, so will keep you all posted.

[Tonia2]

Got text today:

'Hi sweetheart. Not talking but it sld be nice to know you are ok? That u are eating a bit, not smoking, not boozing and no mad spending sprees? I miss you'

I am going to reply very brief and factual message saying that i am ok. what the hell is he playing at?? it is ok to respond to that, isn't it?

[C1d6OC]

Hey Tonia...I think it would be fine to say you're ok. However, in his quote making sure you're not "boozing, smoking, and spending sprees" that gives me the impression he thinks you're depressed...which is good, because if he finds out you're doing well, it may be a shock to him. Don't deliberately tell him, but if you just say that you're doing ok that's not a problem. It's nice to know you still exist. That would be my suggestion.

[Tonia2]

Thanks mate. I did reply a very factual message. He asked those questions, as he knows a bit of my history - addiction etc.

I hope it won't be counterproductive in the long term, as I really do want him to miss me and wonder what the hell he did...

[C1d6OC]

Thanks mate. I did reply a very factual message. He asked those questions, as he knows a bit of my history - addiction etc.

ah yes i see. the history. That was a big problem for me too. To this day, I still think it is part of the reason I have an ex. I can't say I'm proud of my history, because i'm not, but i wish people would not dwell on the past and unfortunately my ex did.

I know this is off topic, but I feel that when people breakup, it's almost like a strategy for each person. Especially the one on the receiving end. They start to play this "no contact" role and the dumper starts missing them and wondering how they're doing, hence making the other have hopes and it's such a game. With your scenario, you stop talking to your ex and he starts texting you and in return, you don't say anything or say very little. I do the same. Sometimes I just wanna ask her yeh or neh...you know? Either you're going to be with me or stop talking to me. Because honestly any time she does contact me, I somewhat get back to square one all over again (having hopes). Again, I know I'm rambling...but it is such a mind game.

I know each person's situation is different in a sense of what happened, but in general, it's all the same. I see it so often and I honestly don't know what to make of it. OK..I just felt like getting that out...sorry Tonia...back to you