Not sure how to handle this

[Horseyguy]

When I broke up with me ex in part it was because she really wasn't in the right space for a relationship. She said she had lost the "in love" feeling because all she could focus on was her dog having cancer and only a few weeks to live and because she had started drinking too much so was barely functioning. So I basically called it off to give her time to deal with what she had to deal with. There was a trust issue there as well after I found out she had set up a profile on a dating site the last 3 months we were together. When we broke up we said we would revisit it in a few months and maybe try again when she was in a much better place.

Anyway she contacted me last week and said she still hasn't given up on the thought of being together and when she was feeling better, not fixed, but well, she would like to re-visit it again.

It's coming up to 3 months now and I'm expecting any time soon for her to make contact again to re-look at it.

Problem I have is that I don't think her cutting down on her drinking and starting to sleep better is going to fix the problem. She has some other issue going on which I think is linked to her ex that was causing the drinking and sleeping problems in the first place (She had a breakdown when they split up 4 years ago and that's when the sleeping / drinking problem happened, the dog getting cancer just exasperated that) but she also has really issues communicating about anything involving emotions.

Now I really like her and if she did actually have her shit together I would be interested but I don't just want her to do a band-aid job, as in try again just because she's starting to feel a bit better.

I'm thinking we need a good 6-12 months apart whist she really gets this stuff sorted out. Regardless of whether we get back together or not she's not happy with where she is and I don't think until she's put these demons of hers to bed she ever will be.

What's my best approach here?

I know she is going to contact me and I don't want to lose her completely out of my life so would suggesting we just remain friends at this point be a viable option? or do I just tell her stariaght that I can't see this working until she really addresses her issues (But I think that's just way too controlling by laying out terms of what I'm happy to accept before we discuss any reconciliation)

[JadenMia]

IMO, sometimes getting back together after a relationship broke down isnt always the best idea. Old feelings and habits may come rushing back to one or both of you, people easily fall back into old habits. I'm not saying it cant work without a lot of effort from both of you, but its something to really think about. All the pain you went through trying to forget about her, live without her etc.. Is it worth going back and risking feeling that all over again? Although, i know when you really do love someone, none of this seems relevant anyway right?

Im just saying, as me and my partner have gotten back together after a big split. We have ALOT of trust issues that arent anywhere near being fixed yet, we are trying hard to get back on track but it IS hard. I love him dearly, but i do see that his old habits, that i thought would have died during our breakup have come back just as strong as before. Right now, we are going through a wonderful stage, happy as we were before, but still. I always know what feelings are lying underneath this bliss we feel together.. Its like a fear.

If i were you, and you feel serious about getting back together, then i would give it a go. Just be prepared for what may go wrong, as there is a high risk it will again. I dont think the time frame you wait really matters in my opinion.. Just go into the relationship with open eyes and not so open heart. Thats what i have done and its about all you can do.

Best of luck

[HeartIsAching]

Nothing is going to change with a band-aid, as you've figured out... however, sheer time isn't going to do it either. She needs help. You probably do too. Suggest that if she wants to get back together, you need individual and couples counseling. Group therapy can be quite inexpensive, and in my personal experience, well worth it. I've learned so much and am so MUCH MORE aware of what my feelings and motivations (as well as other people's) are now... it's like I was blind before.

[Wakeup]

totally agree with Heartisaching... She appears to have issues that she cannot get through of her own accord. You, OP I think once you've delved into some self insight and improved self-worth won't even want her in your life anymore because of the unresolved issues.

Good luck.

[Horseyguy]

totally agree with Heartisaching... She appears to have issues that she cannot get through of her own accord. You, OP I think once you've delved into some self insight and improved self-worth won't even want her in your life anymore because of the unresolved issues.

Good luck.

To be honest wakeup I've already figured that bit out. I've been confusing caring about her with wanting to be with her, two different things. I do really like her as a person and do really care about her but truth is she was a pretty average girlfriend and not only do I deserve better but I am worth a lot more than this.

I would just be happy if she sorts out her issues but I just don't think she will get the professional help she needs and I have no intention of being the crutch. She did suggest we look at couple counselling but my gut instinct is to just let this slide.

Think I'll just stick to caring about her and not worry about the being together bit

Now I just need to figure out how to communicate that to her

[pisces25]

HG,
My ex and I broke up 7 months in coz he had major issues. He said losing me was the kick up the ass he needed to sort himself out and took himself off to therapy. We have since reconciled and the relationship is better than it ever was. I don't blame you for not wanting to be with her til her issues are sorted and when I was in the same position as you I said to me ex 'I care about and am here as a friend to support you through your therapy' (I said this because I knew his issues and he would be able to talk to me about them if he wanted). I didn't really worry at that point about being with him as it was far too damaging for me, and us. So maybe you can say something similar, that you care about her welfare and hope she is in a much better place one day. Don't even mention being together. Fact is if she hasn't addressed her breakdown it will pop up again time and time again. It simmers underneath until she runs into other problems and then it all comes to the surface. If you do get back with her you need to realise this and be prepared for it. If you can't handle it is best to stay away IMO but you can still care for her. You too might be the one that walked into her life and gave her the kick up the butt she needed.

[Horseyguy]

If only .. unfortunately it was her dog dying that did it. She sent me an email saying she ended up going on a massive bender the day her dog was put down and that's when she realised she needed help.

She was going to get some help back in January but never did. So as much as I might like to think it was me ending it that caused her to acknowledge that she needed help, it wasn't. But just maybe, me NOT trying to get back with her until she does get help could end up being what finally gets her to sort her issues out. I dunno, all i do know is I care about her and don;t want to think about any reconcilliation until she is 100%.

I'll just be up front with her and pretty much say what you just said. Happy to be there for her and support her and just leave it at that.

I get the feeling she thinks I'll just jump back on board as soon as she's had a few good sleeps and not drunk for a week but that's so not going to happen

[Horseyguy]

Oh and thanks everyone for your comments.

I already had it pretty much right in my head but I knew I'd get some good feedback from you all so thanks for that.

[HeartIsAching]

If only .. unfortunately it was her dog dying that did it. She sent me an email saying she ended up going on a massive bender the day her dog was put down and that's when she realised she needed help.

She was going to get some help back in January but never did. So as much as I might like to think it was me ending it that caused her to acknowledge that she needed help, it wasn't. But just maybe, me NOT trying to get back with her until she does get help could end up being what finally gets her to sort her issues out. I dunno, all i do know is I care about her and don;t want to think about any reconcilliation until she is 100%.

I'll just be up front with her and pretty much say what you just said. Happy to be there for her and support her and just leave it at that.

I get the feeling she thinks I'll just jump back on board as soon as she's had a few good sleeps and not drunk for a week but that's so not going to happen

That's a good attitude to have about it. Her dog dying did NOT cause her to go on a bender - it gave her the excuse she needed to do so. Blaming an event for an action is a refusal to take responsibility for your own actions. If you don't take responsibility for your actions, you can't stop from doing them again, as you view them as something that is outside of your control. I am speaking to her actions, not yours. In other words, if she takes no responsibility for the bender she went on, all it will take to repeat it is another traumatic event.

[Horseyguy]

That's a good attitude to have about it. Her dog dying did NOT cause her to go on a bender - it gave her the excuse she needed to do so. Blaming an event for an action is a refusal to take responsibility for your own actions. If you don't take responsibility for your actions, you can't stop from doing them again, as you view them as something that is outside of your control. I am speaking to her actions, not yours. In other words, if she takes no responsibility for the bender she went on, all it will take to repeat it is another traumatic event.

Well, yes you are spot on HIA and there is always an excuse and never any remorse when she does go on one.

Oh well I just hope she sorts it out and can get to a better place because no-one needs that in their life and really as much as I care about her, this is her issue and not mine.

Happy to support her but not happy to have her unload her issues on to me