Forgiving ones self

[Rhainnonxx]

I need some serious help. My ex-fiance(who is in the marines) and i have been broken up for awhile, but he keeps coming back to me and asking my back out only to change his mind a few days later. (This is not about how i can get him back). He is a really great guy but while we were broken up he did somethings that i don't think he can forgive himself for and as some one who knows him very well i can tell he is incredibly unhappy. he drinks all the time now and has openly stated to me that he isn't happy and that he just doesn't care about himself anymore or what happens to him. it's like he can't forgive himself and is punishing himself, he also said he is afraid i could never forgive him but i know all the things he has done and if he actually made the effort to win me back and showed me that he could learn from his mistakes i could forgive him, but instead of trying he gets so defensive and mean. I love him a lot and i really want him to be happy and healthy, he truly is my best friend. I have the hope that once he can forgive himself and gets to a happier place that he will realize that he needs me and do what he needs to do to win me back, but it is only a hope not an expectation. my main concern is that he finds happiness and I don't know how to help him get out of this downward spiral. The only reason i am this invested in helping him is because he keeps coming back to me and can't seem to walk away from us. I really don't know how to help though, i have tried sticking by his side through it but he isn't nice to me and i have tried to get him to see that he is worth it and deserves forgiveness and happiness but i know i can't force him to see that. I just don't know what to do anymore, i think i need to not talk to him and maybe missing me will push him to start getting out of this rut and finding happiness but i don't know and could use some help!!

[steviej]

What caused the break up in the first place and what has he done since then that was so bad he can't forgive himself for?

[Rhainnonxx]

the break-up was me breaking up with him because he came home on a weekend (thats the only time we get because of the military) and he told me he didnt have alot of money so we had to stay in so i went out and got food to cook and rented movies and stuff, but then he said he was bringing all his boys home which i hate because then he stays at his parents house because it has more room, well he came home that weekend and barely said one word to me, which was weird because we spend all our time talking. i told him it was hurting my feelings and he said all he wanted was a boys weekend but in a very mean way, i told him i couldnt marry someone who was that inconsiderate of my feelings and he spent the whole next month wasted, and in that time he made-out with some girl but couldnt go through with having sex with her, but talked to a lot of other girls and basically dated them over text, we tried to get back together and he lied to me and said he hadnt been with anyone but i found naked pictures of other girls on his phone from when we had been broken up and then he ended up confessing that he had sex with a lot of girls but that turned out to be a lie to because he wanted me to hate him and never forgive him. so i think the lying and the fact that he even spoke to other girls like that is killing him.

[VincenzoG91]

Talk to him. You two really miss each other, and this sounds like a problem that you can solve together. Tell him that you want to be with him, but he needs to treat you better and treat himself better than this. Through the military, he has access to resources that can help him get it together. Encourage him to discover and use those resources.

[bushybeard11]

So i get why he wants to keep this up - He uses you, manipulates your guilt, only to treat you like shit whenever he feels like it - So why do you keep putting up with it? What are your reasons for withstanding this abuse - You didnt describe any real reasons to put up with him? I would give him the boot. Or at least an ultimatum - "Treat me with some decency or hit the ****in bricks."

[Rhainnonxx]

yeah i have talked to him about it many times, and i wish with all my heart he could see that the people who are trying to help him are the ones that love him but he only wants to be around the people who dont make him think about it, i wish it were that easy but i have tried it and he just gets mean and cold towards me. i want him to get help so badly but i know he wont listen and it will only make him shut down. he admits that he is unhappy but wont do anything about he is just really lost and messed up right now, and so far talking to him hasnt worked

[Rhainnonxx]

@bushybeard11
I put up with it because i dont want to turn my back on someone i love, it's just not who i am.
and he is a really great guy, we were engaged and planning a wedding, he is an amazing marine, and before all of this he treated me wonderfully for 3 years, so it's hard to see a man that i have seen be so proud of himself and respectful to himself and me and our relationship, do all of this, it was like something in him snapped very suddenly and now he cant get out of this spiral. idk maybe i sound like an idiot girl making excuses, but i would never turn my back on him if he needed help and was this unhappy and it is transparently obvious that he is miserable.

[MaidenMinx]

There is also another possibility. As a marine, has he seen action? I ask this because I have a friend who went to Afghanistan and came back a different person. He actually told me at one point he is so scarred by what he has seen, and the night terrors are that bad that he will never have a girl friend again. He considers it unfair for any woman to be woken by his screaming in the night or have to tolerate the amount of drinking he has to do when he's at home to not think about what he has seen. The worst bit about it all is he's still a really sweet guy. I do wonder if your ex wants you back but considers himself to damaged for you.

[Rhainnonxx]

well i wish he had that excuse but he has never been deployed, i think the biggest thing that changed him were the friends he was hanging around, they all drank so much, hated me because my ex was always with me, and hated the marines and i think he was seriously influenced by them

[MaidenMinx]

Honey, it sounds like he is headed in to a dark place. I'm assuming these new drinking friends are fellow marines? If that is the case, if he can't separate his work life from his personal life this early on, then he never will. And if he's behaving like this before seeing combat, then you may not want to know the man that returns from combat.

You have 2 choices. Keep trying to bring back the friend you love and have your heart broken over and over OR cut your losses now and look after yourself.