Is this a valid argument?

[geekygirl]

My bf has a habit which I find annoying while he says it's perfectly justifiable. If he texts me, he expects an answer right away (within an hour maximum) or if he calls me and I can't talk, he'll expect me to call back as soon as I can. If I don't, he'll text me or call me again and ask me why I didn't answer....he was waiting....is everything ok etc etc. However, if I text him or call him and for some reason he can't answer right away, he takes his sweet time (sometimes he won't get back to me until the next day) and if I say anything, he apologizes and says he was busy.

I brought this up a few days ago and he was genuinely puzzled as to why it annoys me. He said that if I don't answer right away, he gets scared that I'm upset at him which is why he calls/texts again to ask why I didn't answer. I told him it's unfair that he gets worked up if I don't reply immediately while he can take his time and not expect me to get upset.

Here's a good example for this scenario: a few weeks ago, I went to Pakistan to attend a cousin's wedding. I was there for about a week. When I reached Pakistan, I got a local number. Apparently, the stupid company allowed international text msgs to be sent but wouldn't receive them so I texted my bf a few times and didn't get his replies. Meanwhile, he thought he was texting me and I wasn't answering so on day 2, he called me (he was quite upset) and asked me where I was and why I hadn't been replying to his msgs. Anyways, we got things figured out so no harm done.

Last week, he went to Pakistan. His family just bought a new house and he had to go to help with the moving. Now I know he was busy moving and everything (and trust me, it's not easy to do this kind of stuff in Pakistan....sometimes there's no electricity for days, nothing gets done without bribery and to top it off, the heat is killer at this time of the year) but still, I'm upset that he didn't even text me once the entire time (he was there for exactly one week). I know if I say something, he'll just apologize and say he was really busy which I can believe but still....not even one text message? To be honest, I don't want to say anything because I'm afraid it'll sound like I'm nagging. We Skyped the night before he left. In fact, it was 1am and he still hadn't packed and I kept telling him to go and pack and he kept saying 10 more minutes until I forced him to go. But then, he came back on Tuesday night and didn't even let me know he was back. I called him on Wednesday evening and he said he was sorry he hadn't called but he came back late on Tuesday and had a meeting early morning on Wednesday (he was still at work when I called on Wednesday evening around 8pm) so I wasn't upset.....seems legit. What do you think?

My sister said she'd be annoyed if she were in my place. She said my bf should've called me when he got back even if it was late (or called the next morning before he went to his meeting). I don't know....I don't agree. I'm a pretty laid-back girl and I rarely get upset at him. Things like this don't really bother me (until someone points it out) and then it gets me thinking (and brings me here I like the way I am; in fact, my bf once told me that he loves the fact that I don't play mind games like many other girls. E.g. if I say I'm not upset, I actually mean it and he appreciates this about me but sometimes I wonder.....am I too nice? Does he take advantage of that?

[surfhb]

Easy fix.....don't text!!! Texting as it's place. Texting is single handling destroying interpersonal communication. The only thing which made us rise above animals is that we began to talk. Now we are destroying this.

[geekygirl]

Easy fix.....don't text!!! Texting as it's place. Texting is single handling destroying interpersonal communication. The only thing which made us rise above animals is that we began to talk. Now we are destroying this.

Point noted but I've tried this in the past and all this does is make him think I'm upset at him (even though I'm not). I guess texting has become so common that we feel like something's wrong when it's not in the picture.

[surfhb]

Just tell him you're not texting anymore. Just call the guy! Don't you want to hear his voice? Texting fine to find quick answers but not for conversation.

This will solve your issue....

[geekygirl]

Just tell him you're not texting anymore. Just call the guy! Don't you want to hear his voice? Texting fine to find quick answers but not for conversation.

This will solve your issue....

Of course I want to hear his voice....I call him whenever I want. Texting is just for tiny things but what I'm trying to ask is if it's ok for him to get upset when I don't answer quickly (whether it's a text msg or a phone call) while he finds it puzzling when I get annoyed. And what about what he just did while he was in Pakistan? Was that ok?

[surfhb]

No is not ok. Tell him " Abibi.... I love you but you need to understand I will get back to you as soon as I can. If you can't understand this or are unwilling to accept it, then we need to part ways"

He's not treating you with respect. Aren't Muslim Men generally sexist anyway? Many women in the states would tell the guy to **** off or die!

[geekygirl]

No is not ok. Tell him " Abibi.... I love you but you need to understand I will get back to you as soon as I can. If you can't understand this or are unwilling to accept it, then we need to part ways"

He's not treating you with respect. Aren't Muslim Men generally sexist anyway? Many women in the states would tell the guy to **** off or die!

What the heck is abibi?! I think you mean habibi which means sweetheart in Arabic, not Urdu. Anyways, I'm hesitant to give him an ultimatum (as you suggested) because he's usually very polite and caring. This doesn't seem to be a big enough issue to break up over. We're both quite mild-mannered and we rarely argue which is why I don't see the need to tell him to **** off or die!!! And no, Muslim men aren't generally sexist! Sexist men can be found everywhere!!

[devonbrown]

It is actually more simple than people are trying to make it. He is insecure and very needy. You are secure and independent. Those two things do not often work well together in a relationship. Basically I would tell him to trust in you and that if you are mad/upset at him you will tell him. Make sure he understands that texting/calling/etc does not matter that much to you, so any delays in reply that he gets upset about is about him, not about you. he needs to own up to his own insecurity and neediness and try to adjust accordingly.
To be honest, I am surprised you haven't told him to go away already.

Good luck.

[geekygirl]

It is actually more simple than people are trying to make it. He is insecure and very needy. You are secure and independent. Those two things do not often work well together in a relationship. Basically I would tell him to trust in you and that if you are mad/upset at him you will tell him. Make sure he understands that texting/calling/etc does not matter that much to you, so any delays in reply that he gets upset about is about him, not about you. he needs to own up to his own insecurity and neediness and try to adjust accordingly.
To be honest, I am surprised you haven't told him to go away already.

Good luck.

Thank you for a straightforward and sensible answer. To be honest, I've never thought about leaving him over this. If I look at all the good things about him, this one bad thing doesn't seem to be a big issue. Sure it gets annoying sometimes but you're right....I'll definitely talk to him about trusting me. Thanks for the good advice

[geekygirl]

What about the recent incident? Should I be upset that he didn't text me the entire time he was home? Like i said, I know he was really busy and everything but still....not a single text or phone call the entire week? This from a guy who wants to marry me?! Why are guys so confusing???

[steviej]

Devon hit it spot on, there is a double standard going on and you have to put a stop to it as it will only get worse.
The reason he didn't call you (i think) is because he wasn't feeling insecure, he knew you were at home and it was him that was away busy with family. It's not to do with how he feels about you, just him being a bloke and being a bit ignorant! Lol

[geekygirl]

It's not to do with how he feels about you, just him being a bloke and being a bit ignorant! Lol

Hmmm...so this is normal behavior for a guy? Then I guess I was right for not being upset.

[Wakeup]

Of course I want to hear his voice....I call him whenever I want. Texting is just for tiny things but what I'm trying to ask is if it's ok for him to get upset when I don't answer quickly (whether it's a text msg or a phone call) while he finds it puzzling when I get annoyed. And what about what he just did while he was in Pakistan? Was that ok?

If you're fine with it then it doesn't matter what we think. If you don't think it's fair that he wants you to respond immediately, but he never does then talk to him about it and tell him that he either has to chill out and wait for you to call/text when it's convenient for you (like he does) Or: He has to call/answer right away (like you have to).

What we think is meaningless. It's you and your boyfriend that have to work out a compromise that works for the two of You.

[HeartIsAching]

He's insecure and controlling, and has double standards.

Him getting upset and repeatedly calling/texting when you don't answer is controlling behavior. Him not calling back or returning your calls is refusal to accept controlling behavior from you - I'm not saying that you're doing it to be controlling, it's likely that as a controlling person, that's how he perceives it from you.

You've got choices, but none of them are particularly pleasant. You can:

1. Insist that he get some counseling for his security and control issues - He'll likely refuse because he doesn't see a problem.

2. Live with it with the understanding that is likely to escalate over time.

3. Break up with him.

[VincenzoG91]

I agree, this guy is a control freak. He doesn't see a double standard here, because he sees himself as in charge of the relationship. He gives orders and you take them. Which works okay for some couples, but probably not for you.