How to turn this around?

[weeble78]

I have a boyfriend who is wonderful. He has a sunny personality and brings out the best in me - enables me to see the world in a more positive light and enjoy life more. He is very forgiving, and very patient - I am not faultless but he always makes me feel that if I ever make mistakes, he forgives them all without holding any type of grudge.

I am posting because he has been out of work for three months. In the eighteen months we've been together this is the second lot of three months this has happened.

In the first instance, he was burned out in his sales job he'd worked at for ten years. He eventually made the decision to leave, wanting some time off over the summer to enjoy himself then thinking about getting another job. Through the three months he drank, had fun and did drugs - which slowly demotivated him and brought him down. Until the drug use was affecting me and I drew the line. Two days later he got a job.

Fast forward to the last three months. He was in a job where he was demoted due to uncovering some fraud within the company. The contract was due to end in a few weeks but he decided he wanted to leave. When he spoke to his boss they asked him to leave immediately. He left in shock and upset that they got rid of him that quickly.

In the weeks that followed, he did numerous things around the house and planned a few surprises for me. I supported him fully, hoping his shine would return. I spent the first two months helping plan things with his friends, I helped him redo his CV etc. The demotivation returned and the drugs and the video-game playing came back.

A month ago he applied for jobseeker's allowance which was turned down. They requested that I become responsible for his bills. He had savings but has now nearly run out of them. Needless to say in the last month, I have felt concerned about our money situation (I work a nearly minimum wage job and struggle myself). He barely does any housework unless I'm doing it with him. We were supposed to have a holiday this year which was postponed from last year because of him taking time out of work.

I have got angry now, and tried to talk to him last night. I'm at a point where I want to be thinking about babies and marriage - I am 33. I want to plan a holiday. I want to feel secure where I live and be planning on settling down. I understand things have been difficult and he took a blow to his ego, and when he said he now regrets walking out of his original job, he was nearly in tears and I cuddled him and said that he never needs to look around for help as I will always be next to him. I felt bad for saying things, but they have been going around my mind for the last few weeks and I am worried about resigning a contract for a year with our house (we rent).

He said he feels like I'm bashing his pride and he has none left, and has been very down since I brought this up. I have tried speaking to him on several occasions during the last three weeks but every time ends in an argument with him storming out of the house. He also says that I say things the wrong way and am inappropriate.

I don't even know what I'm asking here as I feel confused and worried. Can anybody help me see a bit more clearly?

I'm trying to be supportive but feel things are running away with me.

[devonbrown]

It sounds like he is down and feeling like his manhood is being questioned, which is also hurting his ego. However, he is acting like a baby about it. And that needs to stop.

Life is hard. He needs to realize that and suck it up. He jumped off one horse and then got pushed off another. Okay. That is past. Now he needs to stand up and decide what he wants to do with his life.

You are kind to be supportive of him, but he needs to grow up. It is time for the two of you to be thinking about a future together. So he needs to start thinking that way. If he doesn't start thinking that way, you may need to consider if he is really meeting your needs.

By the way, on a practical note, if you are not married, do not take on his debt. It will just screw you in the long run. It is one thing to help out and help make you two be able to function, but taking on money issues that are not yours will just cause more stress if nothing else.

Good luck.

[Wakeup]

I'm at a point where I want to be thinking about babies and marriage - I am 33.

You want to marry a man and have babies with him when he is unmotivated, and a drug and alcohol abuser?

I would councel you to support and help him get back on his feet and take care of his ego while doing it if he was motivated and didn't do drugs and waste his days on computer gaming everytime he became out of work. (that last job loss is suspect btw). He's shown you twice now who he is when the chips are down. Is this who you want to caretake for the rest of your life? You can't fix him you know and you enable him to be who he is if he suffers no consequences for his piss poor attitude and lack of will.

Think about this hard before you tie yourself to him forever due to children being in the picture. Devon makes a good point about his debt as well. That's his responsibility, not yours. It appears that he makes the day dark and gloomy for most part. Where's this sunshine?

[weeble78]

Ok guys, thanks so much for both your responses...

My questions back to you, are how is he ever going to grow up, and how can I show consequences for his actions? The only things I've thought of are temporarily moving out or finishing with him. Basically, practical suggestions would be great as I feel I don't have anything left to try. I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face over the last few weeks.

[Wakeup]

Ok guys, thanks so much for both your responses...

My questions back to you, are how is he ever going to grow up, and how can I show consequences for his actions? The only things I've thought of are temporarily moving out or finishing with him. Basically, practical suggestions would be great as I feel I don't have anything left to try. I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face over the last few weeks.

I hope you're ready to do some hard work ... on yourself because you can't change him, you have no control over that but, you do have control over yourself and what you choose to accept and not accept in your life.

You show him consequeces for his actions by telling him you cannot live with him being a non-motivated, addictive personality (drugs,alcohol,gaming) who easily falls into piss poor behaviour instead of taking hold of his man parts and working to make his life a better one which in turn will make your relationship a better one. Then you leave and you stay gone until he proves to you that he's grown up, not reliant of substances to get through his day and has a job to support himself that he likes and looks forward to going to everyday. If you're still single after he's done all that then you can investigate reconciling then, but not before. Take time to heal and don't expect him to do what you want just because you left either. If he's really non-motivated then nothing will change.

Finishing with him is the only way he will change. You enable him to be who he is by staying there and trying to change him. He has to change for himself because you'll never be able to change him while you're caretaking him. Being someones caretaker is co-dependency ... google it and educate yourself.

Don't talk anymore.. you've talked and talked and talked. Once you've talked more than twice and nothing changes then it's time to take non-verbal action... as tuff as that may be, it's time you stopped wasting time with someone who is not a good life mate. Certainly no one you should even consider having babies with.. fk he's still a baby himself.

Good luck, be strong don't marry him the way he is.. definately don't have children with him. you'll be doing everything while he drinks and plays video games and gets mad because you nag the shit out him. Not good.

[weeble78]

Thanks for your reply wakeup. I have already done some reading on codependency and am taking care of myself more. Funny you should say about the talking more than twice - I've already pulled away and taken up my own life without including him in it since - which has given me the space to think about things. He has done nothing but try and make fun of the things I've chosen to do (taking on an allotment and going to the gym). He texted me a long text last night - saying how sorry he was and I was right to try and talk to him. I was incensed as I don't need permission to discuss things with him, and said I will speak my mind whenever I feel the need. He said how much he appreciates me, and I said he should be showing it, not texting on a night out with friends i.e. because he's stoned/drunk. What's going to happen next....I still need thinking time, and planning time I think. Why do we not see things at the beginning of a relationship and allow ourselves to end up like this?

[devonbrown]

We don't see these things at the beginning of a relationship because A) people try to put on their best faces at the beginning and B) the problems might not have been there at the beginning.

I agree with Wakeup about what you should do. The only other thing I would mention comes from your response here. Don't communicate with him at all unless he is sober. No phone calls, no texting, no face-to-face conversations, etc. Let him know that you do not want to be around that person. Hopefully he will get the hint. If not, you know what you need to do.

Good luck.