Can I Do This?

[loves568]

I waited to have sex until I found a man I could really see myself with for the rest of my life, and I though I'd found that with my boyfriend of three years. I chose to lose my virginity to him, and it was a huge step for me. Things were great for a long time, and then suddenly everything fell apart.
One day I felt things change between us, and shortly after he dumped me. I thought it was because he simply didn't love me anymore. Then, a mutual friend told me that my boyfriend had wanted to see someone else for a long time, so he dumped me so he could ask her out with a clean conscience. We stayed broken up for three months still keeping in contact. Ultimately we got back together, and things were great again.
Then, I found out another girl had been sending him dirty messages, and he had been texting her back. They were old friends, and I trusted him until I found the messages myself. He told me he would stop texting her, but I still kept catching him. I can't even count how many times I caught him or how many times we fought about it. He always promised he would change, and I always thought he had until I caught him the next time. I even thought I could handle it. I mean he wasn't actually doing anything right? Finally I hit my breaking point and told him if I found out one more time I would leave. I really thought he had changed for months. I even stopped looking at his phone. Then, one day I found out they had been talking on the phone behind my back as well as texting, and the texts were really bad. She asked him to come see him and at first he said no, but then she convinced him. She was making jokes about a threesome with her and one of her friends. Still, I didn't leave.
Shortly after that, I looked at his computer history and saw that he had been looking up porn almost every day, and he was even masturbating to girls I was friends with on facebook. Also, he had been googleing "how to get away with cheating on your girlfriend," "cheating on your girlfriend," "how to get a girl's number," and "how to know if she's flirting." He confessed he was thinking about cheating on me with a girl who worked at one of the places he went on his lunch breaks, and they had been flirting for awhile. He also had pictures of girls that he had taken off of facebook on his computer for his own personal pleasure. I was devastated and dumped him, but I took him back with promises that he would change. Again, I found websites on his computer, and again he lied to my face until I told him I knew.
Lately, he's been good, but this has happened before. He acts like everything is okay, dotes on me, on tells me he loves me, and tries to make me feel special. Then, I found out about some other lie. This time I really think it might be different though. Yet, I still can't stop thinking about whether or not he's lying to me, and every time I ask him about it he seems sad and almost angry that I don't trust him yet? I love thid man with all my heart. I try to treat him the best I can. I keep myself in shape, cook for him whenever he wants to come over, buy him dinner at least once a week. I even wash his laundry because his washer and dryer are broken right now. I have put everything I have into this relationship. He was my first, and I thought he would be my only. I WANT him to be my only.
Will I ever learn how to trust him again?

[Whereyo]

Unfortunately, I don't see any reason to believe he has any intention of every changing. It's one thing for something to happen once and you take him back, but with all of his broken promises I would be done. For me, once that trust is broken it is very, very difficult to earn it back, and even then it might not be fully. I would constantly be wondering what this person is actually doing and if they are telling the truth, and a relationship shouldn't function like that.

I'd cut your loses and move on, easier said that done, I know.

[IndiReloaded]

He has admitted he thinks about cheating on you with other girls. He's done it, in fact. More than once. So. There's a message there I think.

I think you should continue to shower him with your love and attention. Clearly he's not getting enough of it. Eventually, the power of your love will make him see the error of his sinful ways and you'll be able to trust him again. I hope my sarcasm isn't lost on you.

Good luck.

(PS - dump him asap--maybe it doesn't help your relationship, but he might think twice before cheating on the next girl)

[kageri]

First off people don't change. Maybe over a long time with lots of things to really push them which generally means getting dumped for something several times they might improve slightly. If you keep staying with him he has no reason to change though. He just has to act nice long enough for you to forget how mad you were. These relationships just keep going like this until the person either decides to break it off fully or that they'd rather be in a bad relationship than no relationship and let themselves be taken advantage of for the rest of their life.

Second most relationships fail eventually. They just do. People mature differently, develop different plans, or realize all the little things they'd been accepting were really too much altogether to live with for the rest of their lives.

Third your first serious and especially sexual relationship is almost always a clingy mess. You feel like you can't love anyone more than you do while they continue to treat you like crap until you finally realize there are better people to love and there are better forms of love. Nearly everyone goes through it and from it learn how to choose partners better and how to be more mature about strong feelings like that.

Break it off, learn from it, and move on to something better.

[bigdaddy863]

there right ppl dont change over night and trust me with all the things u have found he has cheated more then once im sorry to tell you this but he is keeping you around so he knows he will always have somebody and hes not gonna take u seriesley because u always take him back you need to move on i know he was ur first and everything but learn from this and move on gd luck

[reeba]

Will you ever trust him again?

You would be stupid to trust him. He has been continuously caught. Begs for forgiveness. Then does it all over again.

And shame on you for snooping on his computer. If you were looking for something bad, you should have been ready to act upon it, not forgive him. Cause by snooping, you did something extremely bad yourself.

Finally a relationship takes 2 committed people. Not one. There is no point in trying to argue your way back into a relationship.

[tremolo]

This guy doesn't appear to have a faithful bone in his body. I know you don't want to lose him because you love him and you've invested so much in him, but get. out. now. Seriously. Guys like that don't change. Let him be some other woman's problem. This guy is not going to stop cheating - he'll just try harder not to get caught.

[Wakeup]

OP: you DO NOT have to be a martyr of love just because you gave this man your virginity. You either have to learn to live with this man's incapability to be monogamous... in other words you open up your relationship so that BOTH OF YOU can have other lovers or... you leave him right now because there is absolutely no way he is ever going to remain faithful to you in a sexual sense.

You are codependent and you work at the relationship and he does not. That is called a one-sided-attempt at being happy. This is about YOU op, not your bf. He is who he is and he has proven to you several times that he will not change for you so, YOU have to be the strong one here and quit allowing yourself to be walked on emotionally.

You have to give up your addiction to him and you have to have enough self-worth to realize that you do not like to share him and therefore you have to have the female balls to leave his sorry cheating ass. The loss of your virginity to him shouldn't factor in on this equation in the least. It's actually quite irrelavant at this point...

Think Tiger Woods. That is who you think you are in love with. How sad for you.

[IndiReloaded]

Think Tiger Woods. That is who you think you are in love with. How sad for you.

I don't feel bad for Tigers ex. She knew exactly what she was getting and he paid dearly for his indiscretion, which is really the problem--he was publicly caught.

[ColdWorldCoast]

Sounds like a real "keeper" >.<

Trust has been broken multiple times before, trust is forever tarnished or broken between you two. You make yourself look like the fool trying to excuse the shit he does, trust me because I used to be THAT guy. Even if he truly cares about you and means it when he says he loves you, it doesn't mean that he's unwilling to love or try things with other woman, besides it's not as if you have a good record for keeping to your word of leaving him, so ultimately he has the power over you.

Like a marionette the strings continue to be pulled, until they snap. You think things are bad now? just wait until he thinks he's found someone he's more compatible with and then won't you be feeling shitty. End it now, and save face: Don't worry, you'll find a better man out there.

and honestly, saying you'll be with one man forever from the very beginning of your journey and experience with relationships is really really immature and naive, don't delude yourself.

[loves568]

I understand why it seems like I'm naive or immature, but this isn't my first relationship. I was with quite a few guys before I was with him, and I understand I could be with others if I chose to. However, none of the guys I was with before stuck around too long. I decided to hold my virginity for someone who would not pressure me until I was ready. I'm a religious person, and to me sex is a huge deal.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm sure you are making a point, but I'm lost as to what it is.

[Wakeup]

I don't feel bad for Tigers ex. She knew exactly what she was getting and he paid dearly for his indiscretion, which is really the problem--he was publicly caught.

I don't feel bad for her either. She's quite rich now, thanks to him. Op, I feel sad for. She's not getting anything from this douche except taken advantage of which she allows by not leaving him.

I understand why it seems like I'm naive or immature, but this isn't my first relationship. I was with quite a few guys before I was with him, and I understand I could be with others if I chose to. However, none of the guys I was with before stuck around too long. I decided to hold my virginity for someone who would not pressure me until I was ready. I'm a religious person, and to me sex is a huge deal.

DO NOT USE THE EXCUSE THAT "SEX IS A HUGE DEAL" to you. This man does not think sex is a sacred thing like you do.. YOU DO NOT NEED to be a martyr just because you lost your virginity to a promiscuous bastage who disrespects you and makes you sad.

Stop being a victim and take back your life or learn to live with him the way he is. YOU cannot change him and we have no advice to help you try to change him. It's not you, it's him. ( well, it's you and codependency) Get out or learn to wait at home while he screws others and learn to be happy while you wait. Those are the two choices available to you. Even couples counceling won't help you if he won't go.

I decided to hold my virginity for someone who would not pressure me until I was ready.

he likely didn't pressure you until you were ready because he was getting it from others while he waited.

Sorry.

[loves568]

[QUOTE=Wakeup;722143
DO NOT USE THE EXCUSE THAT "SEX IS A HUGE DEAL" to you. This man does not think sex is a sacred thing like you do.. YOU DO NOT NEED to be a martyr just because you lost your virginity to a promiscuous bastage who disrespects you and makes you sad.

QUOTE]

Sex isn't an excuse for me to stay. I was simply making a point that just because I don't act like a ho and have sex with any guy who's willing doesn't mean that I'm immature or inexperienced in relationships. It simply means that I have more morales than I see in almost all young women today. I waited for someone who wouldn't push me to have sex or leave because I wouldn't. And he hasn't had sex with anyone since he had it with me. While I don't believe the majority of what he says. I do believe that.

[Wakeup]

What does that have to do with your situation? More important, why do you believe that he's not had intercourse with anyone else but you? Because a liar who can't keep his word told you that?

Whatever, you're blind and you're looking for a magic pill that will make him do what you want him to do which is be faithful. There is no one who can give you that pill. He has to want to be the person you want him to be. By the looks of things (three times doing what he said he won't do) you're never going to control him in that way.

Look after yourself and your emotional health.